Your Write to Health

"WHACK-A-MOLE"

In a recent group, we discussed inner voice. It is a difficult concept to grab onto. I keep searching for images to help people connect with this concept. I pulled in a quote from a daily inspiration service and asked everyone to journal.

A day spent judging another is a painful day. A day spent judging yourself is a painful day.  You don't have to believe your judgments: they're simply an old habit.
- The Buddha

The many negative judgments that individuals make about themselves were discussed in the group. Ed is pernicious and pessimistic. He works hard to make people feel bad about themselves. In the discussion, one woman said that her inner voice was like the “whack-a-mole” game. That stopped me for a moment. But when she shared her thoughts, they gave me such a visual image; I knew that I’d have to share it here.

She described her inner voice as trying to tell her positive things. But whenever it pops up, Ed, like the big whacking hammer of that game, tries to mash it down. He makes her inner voice duck back in and hide. But like the game when the moles keep popping their heads out, her inner voice can’t stay silenced. It pops out again and shares more positive beliefs. It dodges Ed’s pounding hammer. But it has to hide again when he delivers a blow. In and out. Hide and seek. Her inner voice might have to hide from Ed, but it’s not gone forever. It’s still there.

We made a “Whack-a-mole” list of positive things her voice would say. The list included: “You’re beautiful.” “You can get through this.” You’re unique.” “You’re wonderful.”

Sometimes the concept of inner voice includes our core beliefs. It includes one’s own individual desires which help make life feel complete. Writing is entwined with my inner voice. It was when I listened to a small desire to write, when I pursued it despite setbacks and criticisms, when I found ways to include writing in all aspects of my life, that I started to feel fulfilled, at peace and whole. Maybe that’s part of what inner voice is—what is the puzzle piece that is missing which will help make you feel whole?

You might be trying to push Ed in its place to get him to plug up the hole, but Ed is not your inner voice. He is not part of your deep dreams that whisper to you and tell you who you are in this life. Ed is a chameleon and he’ll try to fit into that spot, but don’t let him fool you. He is there, on guard, ready to whack down on your true inner voice. He is working hard to keep her from being heard. He knows that when you stop and really listen to her, when you include her in your life, when you find those dreams that will help fill that hole inside, then you won’t need him. So he’s whacking and whacking and whacking even harder. Your inner voice will keep dodging. She’ll keep tossing out hints and encouragement, but you’ll have to listen. It will be hard to hear under Ed’s pounding blows. But she’s in there! She’s calling to you. Listen.

Journal about the quote that we used. What judgments do you make about yourself? About others? How do these beliefs affect your life?

What image comes to mind when you think about your inner voice? Can you interview her? Writers sometimes interview their characters to understand who they are and what they want in a story. I’ve done writing exercises in which characters have told me how they feel about their names. They share memories with me that I didn’t know they had. Yes, I know all of it is coming from my mind, my imagination. But sometimes you have to trick parts of your mind to come out and talk, especially when Ed is looming in the picture. So close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, center yourself, and then ask your inner voice, what she would like to be called. What does she hope you’ll be able to discover in life?

Journal about the missing puzzle piece inside. What is the shape of the piece? What color? What kind of picture is it a part of? Is it a corner piece or right smack in the middle?

And in the whack-a-mole game, what positive thoughts would your inner voice pop up to share? What does she want you to know and believe about yourself? If you need to, use the thoughts we discovered in group. Remind yourself that you’re wonderful, you’re beautiful, you’re unique, and you can get through this.

So go on now, go write on!

Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.

GPS

I just got a global positioning system (GPS) for my car. In preparation for using it on long, unknown trips, I put it to the test and had it navigate while we ran errands. Things I learned from the GPS (nick-named Gina) apply to recovery, creativity, and many other tasks in our complicated lives.

Gina sometimes gets insistent when I don’t follow her directions, but she doesn’t yell and she helps me recoup and find a new way home. Often we have to find our own way to do things. We might know something that others don’t. Gina didn’t seem to know about a new road that I was heading down. She assumed I was on the highway next to it. “U-turn,” she advised, but I didn’t. At the first traffic light, she recalculated and caught up with my position. Once again, we worked together. Others can give advice, but sometimes you know what’s best. Sometimes you have additional knowledge.

Gina has taken me on roads that I had never been on before. When my doubting family complained that surely there was a shorter way, we discovered new sights and beautiful scenic views. Sometimes, you have to go beyond your comfort zone to discover something new and exciting.

We also discovered the hilarious fun of laughing together as we all questioned and guessed at Gina’s next set of directions. Sometimes simple things can provide enjoyment, bonding, and fun.

When I take a wrong turn or discover a roadblock, Gina always has advice about how to turn things around. She’s always willing to recalculate. Sometimes we have to recalculate in life when a situation or recovery doesn’t go exactly according to plan.

There are moments when Gina loses track of her satellites. This is a tad unnerving, especially when I’m looking for a new place, with not a clear idea of where to go. I have headed in the right direction, hoping that Gina will find her connection before we get too far along. And, usually, she jumps back in before I can go too far astray. Sometimes with recovery, one needs to head in what feels like the right direction with blind faith that signposts and instructions will appear to guide you. And so I have motored along, waiting for Gina to reconnect, enjoying the scenery and the cackles of laughter coming from the back seat, and suddenly she’ll spring to life and let me know that at the next exit I need to turn right.

o   Journal about your direction in life. Maybe others are telling you what you want to do, where you want your life to head, but if it doesn’t feel right for you. You have to bring your beliefs and ideas to the equation. Write about what you enjoy and about your dreams. Try to discover the direction you want your life to head. Gina can’t give me directions, if she doesn’t know where I’m going. I can’t program in my destination, if I don’t know where I want to go. Write about where you’d like to head. Repeat this exercise at different times because your goals might change.

o   Be open to new opportunities and change. Yes, they are scary, but they can be fun—it depends on how you look at it. If you’re worried about something or something new is coming up, journal about your fears, but also about the good things related to the change. Excitement and fear have similar physical effects. If you’re feeling nervous, write about those fears. But in your journaling see if you can find some element of excitement lurking underneath.

o   Journal some joy into your life. Is there anything that made you laugh today? A funny scene, thought, joke? Write it down. Laughter can raise your spirits and improve your physical health.

o   Hitting a roadblock? Journal about that—what are your thoughts, fears, ideas? Brainstorming on paper can lead to new ways at looking at thing. Your mind, like Gina, will help you find a new road, plot a new course, send you back in the right direction.

So go and Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.

EVERYDAY REJECTION

In last week’s blog, I agonized over an e-mail from my editor, which I had taken as “critical”. My writing group tried to reassure me that all the e-mail had meant was that I was going to get an editorial letter. I didn’t need to take it as a rejection.

Yet.

Then the letter came. In it, helpful suggestions were provided, detailing how I could make the book better. While I shouldn’t over-generalize the comments—interpret that all my writing is a flop--I need to deal with the fact that the book still needs some work. Or it needs to find a different editor.

A discussion took place recently through an on-line writers group about rejection and final publication. The question was posed about writers’ experiences in sending out books, having them rejected, and then getting them published somewhere else. One woman said that she had sent her story out to 33 different editors before it was accepted. She did not make significant changes in it during this time. Even Harry Potter was turned down by a number of editors before it was purchased. I’m sure those editors probably regret it now. But they were making the best decision they could at the time. They formed their opinions and made a decision. Not every decision works out all the time. That’s the way life works. It is not perfect.

In group the other week, we discussed failure and the definition each girl uses when looking at if they have failed and if someone else has failed. They had clear double standards in this area. For them to be able to consider their actions a success, they had to achieve perfection. For someone else to be a success, they had to have tried. Look at how much harder they make it for themselves!

Perfection is not possible. Rejection and disappointments will happen. The discussion in the group turned to how Dr. Gorman and I handle disappointments. We talked about the necessity of sometimes sitting with uncomfortable emotions and then planning a strategy to move ahead. One needs to acknowledge feeling depressed or defeated, sit with that difficult feeling. But not hang onto and let it color everything. For me, I was disappointed that a book which I had been working on for years still needs work. I can either make the changes or not. I need to form my own opinion, but use the information that has been given to me. Then I need to form a plan to move ahead. I either send it to another editor as is or I make some changes. Recently the story has been mulling around in my mind and I do now have some new ideas to bring to the book. Sit with your emotion, and then brainstorm a plan to move ahead.

So…How do you deal with disappointment or rejection? Write about a time that you felt hurt, criticized, or let down. Did you over-generalize; take the comments as bigger than they were? Did you try to push away your feelings because they hurt? Are you hanging onto some of that pain? Describe what happened, how you felt and what you did. Can you brainstorm and find new ways to deal with the situation?

What is the hardest feeling for you to sit with? Anger, embarrassment, depression…? Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and think about it. Whatever emotion comes to mind, write about that? Don’t think too much—don’t let your critical mind tell you that’s not what you should write about—just write. What memories are associated with that emotion? Put down what comes to mind. Take 10 or 15 minutes or even 5, but write for the whole time. Don’t critique what you’re writing. This is not supposed to be perfect. It is supposed to be real. It’s supposed to be what’s there inside of you. If when you look back you made a slip and wrote one word for another---dead instead of dread for example. Then journal about the word that you did write. Was your mind trying to tell you something? Writing about that might lead to new thoughts or memories.

What are you feeling? Close your eyes and give your feeling a color, a sound, associate it with an animal, a season, a location, a plant…whatever you can think of. This might give you a clearer sense of what you’re feeling moment to moment. One woman found in a group how much she was struggling with depression when the color of how she was feeling kept coming out gray. But before that, it was hard for her to describe her emotions. She didn’t have a good sense of the words to use. How about you? Do you need some new ways to help you discover how you feel?

My mood was gray before when I got the letter, but now it’s a deep purplish-blue, like a summer’s night with the sun just setting. It is a vast expanse of possibility with stars shimmering to remind me that new ideas and creations are out there and often twinkle out of the darkness. My mood as a rosy hue around the edges—the creative fire. And I know that I’ll make my book as good as I can and I’ll ride the rejection roller coaster and it will be all right.

So…now it’s your turn…go…

Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.

PURE DOGGIE NATURE

This past weekend I got an e-mail from my editor about a prospective novel I had sent. The note had many nice compliments, but raised the question as to whether the material was more appropriate for a young adult book rather than a mid-grade. (I write children’s fiction and these are age-related categories.) She told me I would be getting more information about the editorial group’s thoughts but that she wanted to give me a heads up.

What part of the e-mail do you think I focused on?

No, not the part that described the book as very readable. Not the part that felt it was psychologically accurate. No, my focus was on the “criticism” that suggested it might be more appropriate for a different age group. And I say “criticism” because it was really more an observation or an opinion than anything else. However, I e-mailed my writer’s group with my sum total interpretation of her words--she was turning down the book, I was a failure as a writer, life was crap.

My writing group had the sense to point out to me that the e-mail had said nothing like that. It had basically been a heads up that an editorial letter would be coming and that she liked many things about the book. They also pointed out that my editor had read the book and responded to me rather quickly, which doesn’t always happen in the writing world.

Have you ever done that? Viewed comments as larger than they were? One opinion, one comment and you’re a failure? Do you view things as negative instead of looking at the positive or even the realistic?

How do we prosper and achieve? For writing? For recovery? For really anything in life? One way is—don’t over-read comments.

And then—don’t look for the negative. Focus on the positive.

So--

Think back about today or the last few days. Did you over-generalize a comment? Make it into a criticism? Give it more power than it deserved? Write about that. What thoughts do you have? Does it trigger a memory that might be adding fuel to your self-negativity? Is there a way that you can turn the negative thoughts around? Find a positive? Or put the whole incident into a more realistic perspective?

And can you look back on the day and capture one pleasant thought or image to hold onto. Sometimes when I journal, I try to capture 5 images from the day. Looking back at images I recorded when my kids were young, I captured positive moments. I recorded images of them playing with a sprinkler outside or playing with bubbles in the bath. The images at the end of the day that made me smile even if there had been moments of tears and tantrums throughout the day. I’m sure there had been. But I didn’t want to save and savor those images. So I wrote about the hugs and laugher. I can still smile now remembering them. What do you hang onto? Try to find a positive from the day. Or turn an annoyance into something fun. While I’ve been writing this blog, my dog has been stealing rags and paper towels. Yes, it was annoying to keep getting up to get them back. But I had to smile, too. He was so proud and he came with his tail wagging, his eyes sparkling and smiling his doggie smile. He was almost saying, “Look what I have.” What does he have? Pure doggie nature that loves life. Know what? He works everyday to get me to love life too. So I try. How about you?

Go, take these hints and….

Write on!

Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.

BATTING AVERAGE

Last weekend, my family and I had the great thrill of seeing Manny Ramirez’s 500^th homerun. It was, of course, great fun for us because we are Red Sox fans. In addition, as my daughter pointed out, we were seeing history in action. But that 500^th homerun got me thinking about eating disorder recovery. Why?

A homerun record happens the same way recovery does. Step by step. Hit by hit. Swing by swing. It is not an all or nothing process. It does not happen in a day. It is built gradually as each homerun adds onto the run before to mount up to an impressive record. Recovery happens that way too, an accumulation of days with decreased symptom use. A gradual accumulation of healthy coping strategies. It is finally an accumulation of days without symptom use until days add up to years.

Slips occur during recovery, but homerun records don’t require that every homerun was hit in a row. Manny’s current batting average is 0.301. What does that mean? Manny only gets a hit 30% of the time that he comes to bat. That 30% does not only count the times that he gets a homerun. It is the times that he hits the ball and gets on base. It’s the times that he doesn’t strike out or get walked or cause an out. Think about this, Manny built this great record, but he only gets a hit 30% of the time. That means that records don’t require perfection. They don’t require 100%. They require perseverance. They require working at it day after day. It means that you are willing to go back to bat even when you struck out the time before. It means that you stare the possibility of failure down so that you can achieve something wonderful. And that wonderful is not just a homerun record, but hitting the ball and getting to first, or maybe sending that ball out of the park and getting a chance to round the bases to thunderous applause.

Now think about Manny. He goes to bat and knows as he steps up to the plate that 70% of the time he is not going to get a hit. Only 30% of the time will his bat connect with the ball and get him onto base. Do you think that he has these figures in his mind as he stands at the plate? I don’t think he does. From having watched him bat, I saw him stand at that plate and face the pitcher down each and every time. He swung with enough force to potentially turn every ball hit into a homerun. But some of those powerful swings missed completely. And some of them popped the ball up so that it was an out instead of out of the park.

What if Manny approached his hits the way some individuals approach recovery? “Well, I struck out once so I might as well give up on this game.” Or “I got an out so I’m no good at anything.”  If that had happened then we wouldn’t have seen his 500^th homerun in that game. Manny’s first time at bat did not yield a homerun nor did his second time. Actually both of those hits led to outs.  But each time he came to bat, he approached it as a new chance. “This time could be the homerun record.”

So…

How are you approaching recovery? Each day, do you face it as another potential chance? Each meal? Or once you’ve had a slip do you figure that you’ve failed once so just give up? What negative thoughts are you carrying around each day? Can you let the self-doubt go? Face each moment like Manny at bat? This might get me that much closer to my record. Each small victory can add up to something bigger.

Journal now to look at the thoughts that you carry with you each and every day. Now work to change the negative. Find positive thoughts that you can use to replace them. How about instead of thinking, “I slipped up once, I’m worthless.” You think instead, “Manny  got out twice and then hit his 500^th homerun. I got out this time, but next time, I can do it. I can face down ED.”

Each small victory can add up to a record. Each time you’re at bat is a whole new experience. One out does not determine whether you hit a homerun the next time. Unless you let it. You are in control of what thoughts you allow to fill your mind. If negative ones keep ending up there, find some positive ones to replace them. Even if you have to journal again and again and again.

Get out there and write on!

Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.

INNER CORE

This week in our journaling group, we worked with the adaptation of a German folktale about “Bundles”. This adaptation by Allison Cox is on the http://www.healingstory.org website. In this story a woman is trying to figure out how to deal with all of her troubles. She is told to seek assistance from that part of herself that is connected with all things. Through the story, she learns that the bundle of troubles that she is carrying is precisely the level of “troubles” that she can deal with and that her experiences and talents, both current and yet to come, will provide everything she needs to deal with her troubles.

ALL POWERFUL

This past Saturday, I returned from a writing conference. When I arrived at the airport, I tried calling my family but got no answer. I figured they were out having fun. When I drove up to my house, I was surprised to find all the lights off. Then I noticed some garage doors were open, my husband’s car was in the garage, and my garage door wouldn’t open.

Yes, the electricity was out.

Continuous Past

When I’ve spoken about writing and depression before, I’ve had people say, “Yeah, I get depressed when I have to write.” That seems to be a leftover effect from diagramming sentences in high school English. People hear ‘writing’ and break out in a cold sweat.

The kind of writing that I’ve lectured on, practiced on my own, and used in groups and individual therapy is anything but drudgery. It is not stiff, stilted, follow the rules kind of writing. It is not having at least three lines in every paragraph kind of writing. It is not getting rid of sentence fragments kind of writing. Sometimes fragments rule! Like fragments of dreams. Fragments of memories.  Fragments of fantasy. Or is that flights of fantasy? Fly me to the moon kind of writing is what we’re talking about. This is stream of consciousness, discover what I think, plumb my emotions kind of writing.