Love is…

Valentine’s Day is approaching. So in group yesterday, we wrote about love. In the end, many found this to be a challenging topic to write about. It pushed everyone to think about what love is and how it has been expressed in their lives. This led to some difficult memories and realizations.

When Valentine’s Day comes, love is seen as flowers and chocolate. It is hearts and smiles and it all looks so easy. The advertised Valentine’s Day is like fairy tales. They seem so wonderful and pleasant in the moment, but what happens the next day? What happens after the prince kisses sleeping beauty? Do they really live happily ever after? They do because we don’t hear any more of the story. For real people when the cards are put away and the flowers are wilted and the chocolate is gone, life still goes on. In day to day life, love can get challenged every minute of the day.

In the group, people wrote about times that love had been used as a reason to hurt them. For example if a criticism was offered, it was paired with—I’m telling you this because I love you. If that happens all the time, the feeling is—you can hurt me because you love me. Others talked of families and family members who have their own emotional issues. Within the group we discussed how sometimes we have to grieve an ideal and accept the family that we have. None of us are going to have TV perfect families—they don’t exist. And many of us may have more family struggles than others. We need to, at times, learn to find love and support from other people in our lives. Ones who are able to offer love freely.

Within the group, we talked about qualities of love. Many people shared some of the same beliefs: Love is commitment, honesty, compromise, patience, communication, appreciation, trust, support, listening, respect, acceptance.

So…

• What is your definition of love? You can use our list. What aspects do you agree with? What other qualities would you add? You can send them to me in the comment section and we’ll start the conversation going. It is important to think about what love is or should be. Notice, love was not hurting and criticism. Sometimes we may need to offer feedback to others, but we need to remember acceptance and patience and respect.
• How has love been expressed in your life? What has made you feel loved? What has left you feeling hurt?
• Have conditions been put on love in the past? I’ll love you if….Write about the baggage and expectations you are carrying around in order to feel loved. If you think you have to please everyone all of the time to be loved, then you will never feel worthy of love. We can’t please everyone all of the time.
• Take a fairy tale and write about the next day. Try to look at how we move from story into real life. How would those characters get through a disagreement? Have the fairy godmother come down and turn the prince into a frog? Or is there a way that they can use their voices to work things out? Practice the conversations on paper—what are people in your life telling you?  If it is not supportive, then put the words in your characters mouth and try out different responses. Learn to set limits and demand the respect that you deserve.
• Write about how you express love. Is there someone you haven’t told that you love? Can you send them a short note?
• What things do you love about yourself? Make a list. If you struggle then think about if you were your best friend. What things would you love about him/her? Work to appreciate your own unique specialness.

Go on now, Write On! (And Happy Valentine’s Day.)

Martha Peaslee Levine, MD

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-write-health

http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/your_write_to_health/

http://www.beamaia.com

 

Comments

[Sandra Harst]

What has made you feel loved?

I felt real love for two and a half years with my fiance,but then all at once it was taken from me

What has left you feeling hurt?

On February 13th the day before Valentines day he had killed himself

Write about the baggage and expectations you are carrying around

Hmmm....the baggage. Well, lets see what is Valentines day. A day that is supposed to be a day for love and affection. But,for me it is a day I will never forget. The one you love so much, the one you are going to marry all of a sudden taken away. To leave for an hour and then come back to find the one you love so much that is moving in with you the day after Valentines day. The one you are going to spend the rest of your live with just taken at the blink of any eye. To get to the house and find the one you love so much gone. Taken his own life. The worst day of my life to go into the house and see him with the gun in his hand and blood all over. So,what is Valentines for me just a bunch of hurt and pain. Now Valentines is coming up and I see eveyone getting card,ballons,candy and gifts for their loved ones and I will never be able to do this on this Valentines because Rob Is no longer here.

•What things do you love about yourself?

I love the fact that at my work I
enjoy talking to people and getting out of myself. I expecially love the elderly. They seen to really enjoy life and you see them holding each other than the younger generation. I have gotten to know them so well that when they are not there I worry about them when they do not come in and when I see them again I say that I missed seening you in a couple of day and they comment and say "I never thought anyone notice we were not here. You are such a wonderful person to notice." This year I will miss them as I am not working there anymore. I have so much time on my hands. I try and keep busy working in the yard but that can only be for the day, and then night comes around and I am alone in my thoughts. Have a hard time sleeping but now it is even getting worse with Valentines day coming up. I want so much to be with Rob but I know I can't be right now. I wish I could join him but what would that do to my children and grandchildren. So if there is some way to take away the pain I would love to know how.

So,to every couple say I love you every day and always give them hugs and never go to bed on a bad note. The same with your children. You never know when there last day may be. It can be gone in a instant.
The world would be a better place if we smiled more often and hugged a bit longer. Tell someone you love them and give someone a hug : )

[Martha Peaslee Levine]

Thank you for your note and for connecting. I am truly moved by your story and my heart goes out to you for your struggles.

I wish that I could offer a way to take the pain away completely. What I would like to offer are a few observations and suggestions.

First, I hear your resiliency and care for others. Those are important strengths to hold on to. Often we need to use others' support and our role in their lives to help us get through painful times. Clearly, you understand the pain that comes when someone leaves in such an abrupt and violent way. Working to stay here and involved with your friends and family is so important for you and for them.

Writing is one thing that can help when dealing with difficult feelings and with past traumas.

Dr. Pennebaker has done a lot of research on this and has a guided journaling book that can be used to work through prompts and try to develop healing. That may be something that you could find helpful.

Writing to Heal: A guided journal for recovering from trauma & emotional upheaval
James W. Pennebaker

Writing a letter to Rob can be helpful. It can be important to let him know what you valued from your relationship and the anger and hurt that you were left with. Writing about this can help to process and work through your feelings. You will need to be able to grieve your loss-which was tremendous.

It can also be helpful to realize that depression is an illness and that often individuals sink so far down into their despair that they are not able to turn away from suicide. Thinking about this as part of an illness that took your loved one away rather than just a choice can sometimes help.

The other way to write is through a gratitude journal. Keep daily observations of things that you still do have and can enjoy. I am already hearing them in your comment--others appreciating your taking note of them. Children and grandchild. When my kids were young, I would try to capture moments from the day that would remind me of my gratitude. This helped get me past their anger and temper tantrums.

Ways to help find peace in the present moment can help. Learning aspects of deep breathing and meditation can be useful. There are guides and classes that are often available.

You may find it helpful to speak with a therapist. I don't know if you have pursued that in the past. Therapy and medication, if it is needed, can help.

I am thinking about you and sending healing energy out to you. If you want to talk more, please send another comment my way.

Best,
ML

[Sandra Harst]

The only bad thing right now is with not working I find myself going back to my eating disorder. After he died it went full swing and I pretty much stoped eating all together and exercising every day for hours at a time until I could go no more. I did not think it was that bad until I had my first heartattack. But that did not stop me. One of my best friends saved my life by getting into a treatment center. Did I want to be there? No,but it was the only way I would get better. I was at a mear 82 pounds and I was almost sent to a different facility to be tube fed unless I started eating. This was one of the hardest part to go through. To actually have to eat real food not just celery and lettuce. It was a fight between me and food. I would just cry looking at the food that was in front of me. I would have to journal before during and after to say how it made me feel and why I would have so many emotions just around food as how I felt that day or just minute to minute. Now I am trying not to get back to my old ways. I am not exercising but have cut back on my food intake. I do not want to go back to where I was a few years ago. So, I am going to start this Sunday at the chuch a friend invited me to and being in a class about eating through your emontions. I need this right now to get out of myself because I see myself slipping fast. I know that I must not be a prisoner in my own home and need to get out and be with others or just go outside and work in the yard which can be so calming. I have the tools I just can not carry all the baggage because it gets heavy after a while and then I fall right back down and have to pull myself back up again.