Recently, I got a letter telling me that my picture book, Stop That Nose!, was going out of print. It was a hard letter to receive. The idea for this book developed when my son was in pre-school. It took eight years from that first idea until the book came out in print. Not eight years of constantly working on it, but years spent putting the idea to paper, critiquing it with friends, sending it out to editors, getting it rejected, revising it again, and so on. Then came the day that an editor accepted it-first excitement! Then the ultimate excitement--seeing it available for purchase on-line, finding it in bookstores, holding the finished book in my hands. Now after three years, it is going out of print.
Why am I telling you this?
One reason is clearly to work through my own emotions. I advocate writing as a way to self-discovery, as a way to deal with difficult emotions. Part of this column for me is walking the talk, or writing the talk as the truth would have it. No, I’m not going to take you through all my gory feelings, the sullen silence and tears that my family had to endure. Clearly that can be part of dealing with rejection. But part of writing about difficult experiences is to try and understand their effect on us, to put them in perspective, to see how we can grow and move on.
Second is to look at the power rejection has on us—truthfully, it has the amount of power that we allow it to have. When any rejection comes, we are allowed to muddle around for a bit, grieving our loss. That can be healthy because we are acknowledging the effect the event had on us. It is better to be truthful than numb all of our emotions and not admit to some inner pain. But once we have grieved, we need to get going again. How much power do we want this rejection to have? Should it define our life? Should I no longer identify myself as a writer because my book is going out of print? No. This event happens to many writers. It is a fact of writing life. There are certain challenging facts of life—we will all have disappointments, we will all experience rejections, we will all have losses. If we try to run away from those experiences, then we’ll miss out on the positive moments too. We’ll miss out on life. My book is going out of print. To avoid that hurt would mean that I would have missed the excitement that I felt before when I watched the concept develop, when I shared the story with others, when I participated in book signing events.
Third is to consider responses that I got from others in my life related to this event. Most of my family was supportive—they let me know that this didn’t change how they saw me, they expressed their love, and they let me be irritable and sulky for a few days. Friends chimed in to tell me that I was still a great writer. Others, who recently had discovered the book, chimed in to tell me how much they loved the story. A few family members, though, didn’t return the phone message that I had left for them about the news. Didn’t mention it later when we talked. I’ll admit it, that bothered me a bit. In a recent journaling group, we were using a prompt from Eating by the Light of the Moon. In the assertiveness chapter, there is a great formula about how to express your feelings to others. I had everyone use this formula to write out something that they had wanted to express, but hadn’t. And I did it too. When I was done, I realized that I didn’t need to actually tell my parents these feelings. (Although if they read this blog, I guess they’ll discover them.) It was helpful just to write them out. I discovered that probably the reason that they didn’t say anything is because they have difficulty dealing with rejection—especially my rejection. They want to watch me succeed. They have only good hopes for me. They want to control the bumps in life. And when they can’t, it is hard for them and so they don’t know what to say. (Hint to families—just say “I love you” and “I’m here for you”.)
So long post, but now it’s your turn—
· How have you been dealing with rejections and disappointments? Journal about a past or recent time and write about what happened, how it made you feel and how you dealt with it. Did eating disorder symptoms come into play? What feelings were you trying to numb with them? I know, it hurts to feel, but it’s okay. It hurts worse in the end not to feel. Let it out, bit by bit on the paper.
· What joy or excitement would you have missed if you always worked to avoid disappointment? Are there things that you haven’t allowed yourself to do because you worried about the pain of potential failure or rejection? It might be there, but there could also be the soaring feeling of happiness. If you try to limit and numb all the negatives in your life, you’ll miss out on some of the positives, too. What would you try if you knew that you were guaranteed success? Journal about that and then try one of those things even without the guarantee.
· How much power do you give to rejection? Have you given up something that you love or that’s important to you because of criticism or negative comments? Take that power back. If you love something and it failed, well, try again. Own the power, good and bad. I am not going to stop being a writer. It is clearly part of who I am.
· Who do you turn to for support? Journal about a time that maybe that person didn’t respond in the way you expected. Maybe they didn’t respond at all. Write about what happened, how you felt and what you wanted to say. Use Anita Johnston’s formula. When you…., I felt…., because…. Then tell that person if it will help open up roads of communication. Or discover through writing your thoughts about what went on. If you’re blaming yourself—look deeper. You don’t control everything. If you’re blaming someone else, try to see if maybe they weren’t trying to hurt you but if they themselves were scared. Journal what you think they might have been feeling or thinking. Or if you can’t figure it out, journal the questions you would like to ask to help you understand. Then see if you can open up a discussion. Remember discussions don’t mean attacking back and forth. Discussions are not only talking, but also listening. If you have a hard time doing that together, then maybe the two of you can journal back and forth. Each of you can write about the situation. See if you can discover and understand the feelings that caused the rift. Can you learn more about yourself and each other? Can you see things in a new light?
· If someone isn’t able to give you the support you need for your recovery, journal about that loss. But also journal about other people who you can turn to for support or other ideas or places to go. We can’t get everything from everyone. I get support from my family, but sometimes I have to turn to friends. I have to turn to journaling to discover my own thoughts. That’s okay—the journal is always there.
· Journal some affirmations now. You’ve dealt with some tough emotions—remind yourself of some positives, but do it with power. We do this at the end of most journaling groups. We use prompts like I believe… If individuals whisper their beliefs a little too softly, we make them say them again with power. So with power now—all capitals if you need to. I BELIEVE I AM A GOOD WRITER. I BELIEVE IN MY CREATIVE POWER. I BELIEVE THAT I WILL GET THROUGH THIS AND BE STRONGER ON THE OTHER SIDE. I BELIEVE!
Go on now—Write On!
Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.
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