This might be a tough writing assignment. Right now it feels hard for me to process. Others may find it even more challenging. Yet ignoring our emotions and reactions doesn’t make them go away. Sometimes they become stronger as they grow underground.
The other day I learned from another parent that there had been “swirling” going on at our school. It was a way to initiate younger students onto the sports team. Apparently most kids felt they had survived it pretty well, so is it only a few parents who are upset? Clearly not all adults were bothered by it. When things came to light, it was apparently presented by the coach as an informal ritual--kind of like matriculation which is a formal ritual. I blogged before about matriculation and the importance of rituals. They are important. But this ritual? Really? Here is my take.
Rituals are necessary to help individuals feel part of a community and to acknowledge transition from one point in life to another. This was the basis of the matriculation ceremony. But formal or informal, shouldn’t rituals be to support and empower individuals not to degrade them? Explanations have been offered that the current ritual is tamer than before when students would get “knocked around”. Less violent does not equal more valuable. Why is it that some groups feel the only way to offer inclusion is through degrading new members?
When we tolerate this behavior, does this then sanction demeaning behaviors against other individuals? We already know the level of degradation and violence that is perpetuated against women. Does acceptance of and deeming this “swirling” behavior a “ritual” contribute to the belief that it’s all right to take advantage of “weaker” individuals? Degrading someone is okay if “everyone does it”, “no one gets hurt”, or if it promotes “bonding”.
Even outside of this aspect—the effect that these acts have on the mentality of our society—the other issue that bothers me is where was the adult protection? These behaviors had apparently been reported in the past, but they were still allowed to occur. The coach relates that he didn’t know about it, but he gave the kids access to the locker room. What does it tell our young people when those in charge turn a blind eye?
Maybe I am angered about this because I hear too many tales about abuse from individuals who come through our program. I hear of adults acting not like adults but as abusers taking advantage of less powerful people. I hear about other adults who when they learn about the abuse work to keep it a secret or deny its existence or minimize its effect.
Ignoring emotions and reactions doesn’t make them go away. Sometimes they become stronger as they grow underground. These emotions get expressed other ways. Pushed into silence, they come out through symptoms. Girls end up feeling not good enough. They can work to make themselves invisible so they won’t come under other attacks.
If this blog is striking a chord with you and you decide to journal about it, be aware that sometimes writing about painful topics can lead to worse feelings in the here and now. Writing about these difficult topics can lead to improved emotions and health in the long term. Studies have clearly shown the health benefits related to writing about painful emotional topics. But sometimes, like in setting a broken bone, things hurt worse for a bit in order to achieve better health in the end. So make sure you have a support system when delving into some of these topics.
· Are there times that you have felt your own power taken away by someone else?
· Have they used their advantage to push you into a situation where you felt embarrassed or degraded?
· Have you felt unprotected by adults in your life?
· At times do you find that you do not feel good enough? What do those feelings stem back to?
· Are there symptoms in your life, either related to eating or to your mood, which are linked to past traumas? Take the sentence—My symptoms are trying to say…. You may have to write more than once to discover everything your symptoms are trying to tell you or the world. Or here are some other sentence starters that might help you discover what your body is trying to say.
o My symptoms are trying to say….
o I want to be invisible because….
o I am afraid that…
o I felt unprotected when….
Write on this if you feel strong enough or work with your therapist or someone who can support you when you write on this. Know that we need to protect each other and respect each other. I and many, many others are working to do just that. Join us. But first we all have to respect and protect ourselves.
Respect yourself. Love yourself. Know that you are good enough and wonderful just as you are.
Write On and Believe!
Love,
Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.
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