DOCTOR MODE

I was recently at the doctor’s office with my parents looking at CT Scans that had been performed on my dad. There were two questionable masses that I was discussing with his physician and we were considering the best plan of action. It felt a little like a time warp, I was standing next to two medical students who were also intent on the scans. It had been a number of years, more than I like to count, but in some ways not so many at all since I had been wearing a similar white coat during my medical school training. As the doctor reviewed with me percentages and diagnoses, I helped translate the facts and figures to my parents, all with a calm, collected manner that was similar to when I had been a medical student looking at x-rays from a patient. But this time, the patient was my dad.

Doctor mode is sometimes necessary. It is a way to stay intellectually attentive so you can handle the situation at hand. Looking at the scans, I needed to focus on what we were facing, not on my fears. I was in a similar doctor mode this morning when my dog escaped his fence. My focus was on finding him; I couldn’t get distracted by my fear of what could happen. My husband has had to be in doctor mode many times with our kids when he assessed their illnesses and scrapes. He was in doctor mode when he had to resuscitate our son after his birth.

But once the time for doctor mode is over, then you need to feel and deal with the underlying emotions. After looking at the scans and discussing the plans, I needed to reflect at home on fears for my father’s health and his mortality. Happily, I found the dog, but I did need to collapse to the couch after the hunt was complete and deal with the anxiety and apprehension that had been humming under the surface as I tromped through the woods. After our kids have been treated for their bumps and bruises—stitches and casts placed, my husband has had to drop into dad mode and grieve for their pain. He was shaken to his core after my son’s recovery and admission to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. You wouldn’t have known it in doctor mode, but his emotions were palpable in dad mode.

Why is this important to consider? Many times individuals with eating disorders detach themselves from their emotions. They are very skillful at functioning at the tasks of life, but are not often in touch with their underlying emotions. They are operating in “doctor mode” all the time.  But just because emotions are pushed away, doesn’t mean they disappear. They bubble under the surface and can cause other challenges if they are not addressed.

Emotions are hard. Sometimes doctor mode is easier, but both modes are necessary. Doctor mode to get things done and then debrief mode to deal with your emotions afterwards.

Do you think that you might be functioning in one mode and neglecting the other? Writing is an effective way to deal with the debrief mode. It can be a way to try and understand the worries, fears and feelings related to a difficult situation.

So—can you think about a time that you were operating in “doctor mode”? That would be action mode or the-don’t-deal-with-my-feelings-right-now-because-I-need-to-get-things-done mode. After that time was over, did you ever deal with your feelings? Did you ever have debrief mode?

Why not write about that time—you can start off with I remember getting through…. (and describe the situation) but what I was really feeling at that time was….. (describe any feelings that come up related to that event).

These may be difficult feelings to experience and describe, but there are in there lurking even if you don’t deal with them. Do the feelings from this time connect with other events, other fears, other disappointments?

If it helps you can make two columns and put action mode on one side and feeling mode on the other so that you can see if you are just describing the event through what you did and not what you felt.

Or write the description of the event as a paragraph and then take two different color highlighters. Color any descriptions of action with one color and any feeling descriptions in another color. Is your paper turning more one color than the other? If so go back and add either a description of the event or your feelings around it. Studies show that writing helps when you effectively tell a story, describing not just what happened but how you felt.

It doesn’t have to be just one event.

We can have many moments of “doctor mode” but after each time we need a period of “debrief mode”.

So take some time now—go debrief.

And Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.