This past Saturday, I returned from a writing conference. When I arrived at the airport, I tried calling my family but got no answer. I figured they were out having fun. When I drove up to my house, I was surprised to find all the lights off. Then I noticed some garage doors were open, my husband’s car was in the garage, and my garage door wouldn’t open.
Yes, the electricity was out.
Luckily, I had a flashlight easily accessible in my luggage—the conference was in the New Mexico desert. (This, of course, was the flashlight my family had been looking for just a few hours earlier.) I grabbed the light, turned it on, stepped towards the darkened garage and—as if by magic—the lights came on.
This led me to two areas of thought.
First was the sense of how I brightened my family’s life by coming home.
The physical display of the lights turning back on as I stepped towards the house illuminated this fact. People can often downplay the impact they have on others. Individuals with eating disorders can, with their perfectionist tendencies, believe that they always disappoint others, or that they are not good enough. Critical of themselves, they often underestimate their role in families and in friendships. This can also be true for individuals who struggle with depression. But often the presence of just being there is enough. Witness the exhilarated barking the dogs brought to my homecoming. They were happy just because I was home. I didn’t need to do anything special, be anything special, just being me and being there was good enough.
Second was the serendipity of the lights turning on as I walked towards the house. Part of me wanted to interpret this as the power of my homecoming. I arrive and—poof!—the lights come back on. Silly, right? But how many times do you take the blame for something that is larger than you? Apologize because someone had a bad day. Feel guilty because of situations outside your control. Criticize yourself because when someone is brusque in a store—it must be your fault. You must have made them cranky. Any of that sound familiar? People often take the blame for things over which they have no control. That would be like my taking credit for the lights coming on as I stepped into my house. Tempting. The thought of being all-powerful is seductive, but not realistic. And just as I couldn’t take credit for the lights turning back on, I shouldn’t take the blame for everyone’s moods, expectations or disappointments. Make sense?
So writing assignment time…
1) Work on a gratitude journal. Sometimes people lose sight of things in their life that they are grateful for or positive influences that they have. Identifying these elements can help you see a broader and warmer aspect of your life. Are you grateful because the sun is out and you were able to smell blossoms on your way to work? Or if it was raining, rather than focusing on the gray clouds, are you grateful because gardens are being watered? Can you identify any ways that you know others noticed you and appreciated you? Did your dog jump up when you came home? Did a friend send an e-mail or exchange a phone call? Looking back on today, can you find something, even if it is little, that you feel grateful for?
2) Is there a time that you took the blame for something that you couldn’t control? Or that was the result of someone else’s action? If I can’t take credit for the lights coming back on, I also shouldn’t take the blame because the dogs regressed while I was gone and were challenging to care for. I don’t control the dogs’ behavior. I can sympathize with the difficulties that my family faced, but I can’t rack myself with guilt. Are you racking yourself with guilt? Write about the situation--how much control did you really have?
Remember, we are not all-powerful.
So things you can’t control and ones that you are grateful for. That’s what we’re hoping to find—some balance in our lives.
So go…
Write on!
~Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.
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