Your Write to Health by Martha Peaslee Levine

Burdened By Memories

This past weekend was Memorial Day. A day dedicated to the remembrance of service men and women who have given their lives for this country. We need to make time to contemplate our thanks to them and our connection to each other. We need to appreciate our lives and the temporary nature of our time here on this Earth. It can be daunting. I was once at a conference where the speaker asked the audience, “Who here is going to die?” There was a very reluctant show of hands. No one wanted to acknowledge his or her mortality even though intellectually we know that we aren’t going to live forever. Just as we honor the birth of individuals as they enter this world, we need to stop and
honor those who we have lost.

We need to recognize the service and sacrifice these individuals offered our country. Many of us make sacrifices in our lives and we have other holidays to honor those efforts—Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. My kids once asked me why there wasn’t Children’s Day? I told them that every day was children’s day. I even wrote an Op-Ed about that for the Patriot News. What I meant is that once we make a commitment to have children, we need to put them as a priority. That doesn’t mean that we don’t also focus on our own needs, but we need to consider our kids. I see too many young adults in my program who are often overly criticized by their parents. What ends up happening is that these children become burdened by those memories. They start criticizing themselves. They feel inadequate. They worry that they are going to fail. They sometimes find it easier to not try rather than try and not succeed.

Other memories that individuals are burdened with include past traumas. When a trauma occurs, individuals are often haunted by the memories, flashbacks, and nightmares for years to come. Even family and friends of those who died and are honored through Memorial Day can experience vivid and challenging memories. This can be especially true for individuals who served in the same conflicts and survived. They can struggle with survivors’ guilt. They can struggle with intense memories of events that occurred during those conflicts. Closer to home are individuals affected by other attacks—for example, the Boston Marathon Bombing.

So what writing prompts does this reflection lead us to…?

• What are your thoughts about Memorial Day? Think about the significance of the day…but
  also consider people you have lost within your life. What memories do you have of them? Sometimes we need to appreciate the positive influences and memories to realize ways that they are still with us. And sometimes, if we have painful memories of others in our lives, writing can help us let some of the negativity go.
  
• What activities would help you to honor those in your life, present or gone, and help you
  reflect on their impact on you? I often have my clients tell me about family members in only three words. It is often interesting what I can learn about their parents and their relationships. This exercise can give us a sense of traits that we may have gotten from our parents or others in our lives. Reflecting on this, can help us understand ourselves better.
  
• Write about your parents, your kids, or both. What sacrifices have you had to make
  for them? What has that meant for your life? How do you feel about it? If you find yourself getting resentful, do you need to reevaluate your priorities and goals? We can’t do everything. When my kids were small, I wasn’t able to write as much as I wanted. I limited my work hours. That may have affected some potential job prospects, but I still value the decisions that I made. Yet sometimes when we consider sacrifices, we need to think about whether they are still necessary. We need to make certain we aren’t clinging to a sacrifice that is no
  longer necessary, maybe even getting resentful, just because change is scary. Staying stuck can feel easier, but may not be the right thing to do. We need to be true to our authentic selves—write about what is important to you.
  
• Write about any past traumas you have struggled with. Writing about the event and
  your emotions can help decrease the negative power it has over you. Organizing the event so that you write the story of it can help you release some of its hold. We often struggle with events and continually obsess over details when they remain scattered in our minds. We need to acknowledge the negative effect, but also recognize the fact that we survived. Celebrate our power and resiliency. When you write, think about what helped you get through. Look at and discover your inner strength.
  
• Write your memories…just start with “I remember…” and write for five or ten minutes. It
  can be a reflection on the day. Sometimes it can help us connect with small miracles from the day that we would have missed if we didn’t stop and think about them. When my kids were little, I would try to write down 3 to 5 images or memories from the day. It would help me savor their playing with the hose and the shampoo bubbles and funny hairstyles and how my daughter twirled her fingers in my hair. Savor some images from today. So far mine would be the sounds of laughter drifting in from a lake across the street, my cat rolling on his back to get his tummy scratched, and my daughter sharing a reflection about horseback riding that had me there with her back on some of my past rides. These images connect me to this minute, to this day and help me celebrate my life.

Go….Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, MD

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-write-health

http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/your_write_to_health/

http://www.beamaia.com

 

Why Do We Have To Hurt Someone?

This past week, a number of people gave me a “slightly” hard time because I haven’t been posting. They pointed out that my last post had questioned where I was and then I disappeared again. And I did…for all the reasons that I listed before. But I am back today because I realized that
people are reading. People are writing. People are thinking and starting conversations. And that is really important.

This last week a horrific act took place with the bombings at the Boston Marathon. We have friends in Boston—they were fine. Just as we had friends in New York City who survived the Trade Center attack—at least physically. I don’t think any of us can survive these experiences without being
changed.

So the question is…how are we changed?

I had been listening to NPR prior to the marathon. They had talked about the runners from Newtown who were hoping to run in memory of the children killed in that senseless attack. And the next report…the bombings.

I don’t think we can ever understand bombings or shootings. Can we intellectually discuss reasons? Maybe. But understand it? Never.

That is not what this blog is about. This blog is about healing.

It has been clearly demonstrated that writing can help individuals heal from trauma. This includes writing about traumas within one’s life—direct hurts, job loss--and natural traumas. Individuals who suffered a natural disaster and wrote about it experienced less post-traumatic symptoms.
Writing is best if it includes describing the event and including your emotions about what occurred. Individuals who heal often craft a story. They merge descriptions of the event along with their feelings about it. The fact that they survived. They write about how it changed them.

Within these past days of violence, I have also been working with fabulous, intelligent, wonderful women who continually criticize themselves and berate themselves. Often if we aren’t hurting someone else, we’re hurting ourselves.

So…

• How is life going? Mine has been busy and chaotic. I feel like I’m running too fast, keeping track of too many loose ends. What does that mean? I need to write and discover my priorities. I need to understand—am I saying “yes” to things because they are things I want to do? Things I need to do? For myself? For others? Often we say “yes” to things not because we want to, but because we think we have too.
• What challenges have you dealt with in your own life? Write about the issues. What happened? How did you feel about it? What did you take away? What helped you survive? What did you learn? Would you handle things differently now? How? Why?
• Write about the events in the news. How have they affected you? What thoughts and reactions do you have? What worries?
• Write about how can you help add to the light of this world instead of the darkness?

But, do, Go and Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, MD

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-write-health

http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/your_write_to_health/

http://www.beamaia.com

 

 

Where Is...?

No, this is not “Where is, Waldo?” although I did always love looking for his red and white striped stocking cap with my kids. I also enjoyed trying to find the hidden objects in a collage of pictures. But this is a “Where in the heck has Martha been?” kind of question. One that even makes me wonder.

Because I am not at all certain where the time has gone and where I have been over the past weeks and months since my last blog. I do know that I started a couple of blogs, got them almost completed and then something in my life pulled me away. So now I promise that blogging is on my calendar and being built into my schedule. That is part of what happened, and probably what happens to us all, we get too busy, make too many commitments and then parts of our life drifts away.

Where have I been? I have been working to help my daughter who is still recovering from the concussion that I blogged about before. I have been working with another therapist to write a chapter about neuropsychological testing and Anabaptists. I have been teaching and taking on the responsibility of an extra class because of a colleague’s illness. I have been working extra hours. I have been trying to enjoy the holidays. I have been trying to help rearrange the house. I have been dealing with emotions of an upcoming divorce and I have been working to nourish love in a new relationship. I have been working to be a good mom, friend, “sister”, partner, daughter, clinician, teacher, writer and probably other roles—although that mostly covers it. And I love all of those roles in my life. But I find, and maybe you do too, that as we add and add, we can get distracted and overwhelmed. And maybe that is partly where I’ve been--in the land of running too fast and trying to do too much.

What does that mean for this blog and this prompt? It means with this New Year, we can each make new commitments. I will focus on writing here—hopefully every week. And that promise and this prompt will lead you to, hopefully, make your own commitments.

So…

• Where have you been? Look back over the past few months and journal about some of the vast number of moments. What were the high points? What were the lows? How did the holidays go for you? Write about what you remember from them—Now look at your writing. If you found happy recollections, great! Enjoy and savor them! If you remembered challenges, then maybe dive deeper into them. Write about what your expectations had been. Write about the gap between your hopes and the realities. Write about how these holidays compared to those in the past. Do you keep thinking things will change and yet they remain the same? Is that where the disappointment comes from? Some things can change, but sometimes the change has to come through our expectations. We need to learn to accept aspects of ourselves and of others. That doesn’t mean that we can’t shift anything, but we may need to find ways to meet our desires through other avenues. If your family members don’t always listen, find a friend or a therapist who can lend an ear. Write to discover what you need as you move forward with this year.
• Write to discover if there are things that are important to you but seem to have gotten lost in the challenges of daily life. One of my writing friends was talking about a woman who told her that she wanted to write, but didn’t have the time. My friend’s response was, “If it is important to you, you’ll make the time.” So think about your goals and dreams. Write about them. And if you are not making the time for them—then write about why that is. What is stopping you? Is fear getting in your way? That might be part of why you aren’t making the time. Do you feel that believing in the dream is better than trying it and facing a potential crushing of your dream? Maybe, but then you will be left in a state of limbo—always wondering what if.
• Write to discover your roles and what they mean to you. List them—like I did and then think about each of them. What does it mean to be a friend, a parent, a child, a spouse, an employee, an employer? Work to understand some of the hidden expectations and limitations that you might be putting on yourself in these various roles and relationships. Write about what you would like to get from them. Make a list of new ideas that you can try to help deepen these connections.

 

But most importantly…Go….Write On!

 

Martha Peaslee Levine, MD

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-write-health

http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/your_write_to_health/

http://www.beamaia.com

 

A Kick to the Head

The other week my daughter, a soccer goalie, got kicked in the head. She took a cleat right to the face as she blocked a goal.

The result?

A minor concussion.

Since then she has been struggling with a headache, nausea and dizziness, especially if she tries to do too much. She took a week off from school and then tried going back for part-time days. But even the limited hours increased her headache. When I talked with her doctor, he told me that in the past they tried to get kids back to school quickly. Now they realize it is necessary to take things more slowly. Kids need to stay in the calm and quiet of home and get back to activities gradually. Yesterday she and I both worked at home. She got more work done in that one day than she did during the whole past week. And she looked better—less grumpy, less in pain, less dizzy.

So how does this relate to writing?

We all have situations in life that feel like a kick to the head. We need to understand how to deal with them. Sometimes our recovery will take a long time. We need to learn to be patient.

So...

• What has happened in your life that has felt like a kick to the head? Write about what happened and how you felt about it. It has been shown that when writing about traumas, it is helpful to write a description of the trauma—what happened—and to include your feelings about it.
• Write about what you gained from the situation. Challenges can help us grow. We can discover more strength than we knew that we had. We can discover our resiliency. We can discover a new perspective on life.
• If you are still struggling, write about what you need. My daughter needed more rest. She needed quiet. What steps do you need to get through what’s going on? What do you need to heal? Write about the “ideal” of what would help get you through. Now look at your list and see how you can include some of your needs. Maybe you need to ask for help. That can be difficult to do. Another friend was recently in the ER. I know that she has a hard time asking for help, but that’s what friends and family are for. Write down what you need. Then write out a way to ask for that help.
• Write about what helps you relax. Write a list of a hundred—everything that helps you relax. Repeat things if you have to. Now look back over the list—what popped up frequently. Are you including that in your life? If not, then find a way to make it happen. Does quiet help you? Walking? Meditation? Finding a way to celebrate your spirituality? Reading? Writing? See—I think I’ve started my list.
• Write down some affirmations or words of advice that help you. There is a proverb—Fall down 7 times, get up 8. I like that reminder to get myself back up even if I have been kicked hard by something. First I might have to give myself some recovery time. That’s okay. As long as I get back up. What quotes inspire you? Consider keeping a list as you find things that motivate you. Consider putting quotes in places that you can see them—reminders that keep you going. At the Clinic where I work, we have signs and posters that remind everyone of their true beauty. I smile many days when I pass those signs. They keep me centered. What can help keep you centered and smiling?

Go, Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, MD

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-write-health

http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/your_write_to_health/

http://www.beamaia.com

 

 

 

Sudden Death

Last week was a challenge.

My daughter, a soccer goalie, dealt with two games that they lost in sudden death. They were heartbreaking losses. One was a game that we actually believed we had won, but time had run out. Just as overtime started, so did the rain. The wet ball slipped through my daughter’s hands. The next game went into a second overtime. Another sad loss. This one a missed kick and an opponent who slipped past and to the goal.

Since these games, though, our Team seems to be playing more effectively together. True, we haven’t had any wins, but, I think, the girls are working as a unit—nice passing, defense and support of each other. Yet right after those losses, the coach seemed to be struggling. She is young and appeared to have lost her enthusiasm for the Team. Perhaps she was trying to use some tough love to motivate her players when she told them that no one’s position was secure.  But for many of the girls, this tactic didn’t seem to be work. Her pronouncements left players unsettled. Her frustration was palpable in practices when she told the players that she didn’t have anything else to teach them and sent them off to practice on their own. I can understand her frustration, but as role models we need to rise above some of our personal feelings. Since then, she has become more supportive.  She has worked to make practices fun and has encouraged the players to communicate and work together on the field. Fingers crossed for today’s game.

Yet all this brings up a couple of questions. Does tough love work? Or does it discourage people? In our Clinic we often have to discuss consequences to help keep the focus on recovery. This can be a positive push. If tough love happens this way—it can be helpful. Once the coach told the Team that they had strengths, but also things they needed to work on—great. Once she gave them drills to help them practice their skills and made them work—great. But when she was in that place of giving up on them—that only encouraged the girls to give up on themselves.

Last week we also had a scare about a family member who had to undergo neurosurgery. Her surgery went well and she is healing. Yet when she was enduring that experience, suddenly the sudden death of the soccer games seemed inconsequential. There are times when we need to take a step back and look at the big picture. Physical and emotional health needs to be our primary focus. I saw a Facebook post the other day that said, “It is easier to build up a child than it is to repair an adult…choose your words wisely.” This is so true.

So….

• What challenges have you had to deal with in your life? What happened? How did you feel about the experience? What did you learn? In journaling group last week individuals wrote about different character traits. One woman wrote about resiliency. One thing that was fascinating about her description—she acknowledged that she can’t get back to where she was before her eating disorder when she was happy. Yet she can become happy again—just in a different place. She is appreciating and understanding her strengths as she makes it through the challenge of her eating disorder. What have you learned about yourself as you have come through challenges? What new strengths have you discovered?
• What are you experiences with tough love and/or other types of love? Our perceptions of love or responses from people in our lives can affect what we expect as we move forward. If our past failures have led to sharp criticisms or intense silent treatment, that can affect what we expect in the present. That can influence our actions. If we worry about others’ responses, we might limit our opportunities. If we think that we are going to be berated if we can’t be perfect at something—we may not try. But if you don’t try new things, think of everything you’ll miss out on!
• What kinds of words have been inflicted on you? In the past? Now? Past words can contribute to present thoughts. What kind of thoughts/expectations are you putting on yourself?
• Consider, though, bigger issues—life and death issues—have you thought about what is important in your life? Journal about your dreams…what do you want to make sure doesn’t get left undone? If you had to leave your house, what would you make sure you took with you? Why? What areas of your life feel fabulous? What areas feel that they still need to be worked on? Think about your priorities. Make certain that you are following your own unique path.

Go, Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, MD

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-write-health

 

http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/your_write_to_health/

 

http://www.beamaia.com

 

 

 

College Bound

Last week, we dropped our son off for his first year in college.

It already feels longer than a week.

But I already hear on the phone how much the experience is starting to change him.

I know it is changing me. 

It is changing him because despite some texts and phone calls to get advice, he is navigating the new experience and making decisions about classes and activities. I hear him developing more confidence and independence. For me? I am feeling a deep satisfaction that all these years of work are paying off and he is doing what he is supposed to be doing—developing his own life. Yet I also feel a sense of emptiness as I see the changes in our family. As my children develop their own lives and interests, I need to make certain that I am continuing to develop my own. I can enjoy their successes but I can’t only live vicariously through them. I need to keep developing my own life as well.

When my daughter went back to school this week, her soccer coach asked the team to reflect on their view of success. How did they define it? That makes me think about success for my daughter, my son, myself and all the individuals that I work with in my practice. My daughter said that for her success was achieving your goals and trying to do your best. I asked her what happened if you tried to achieve your goals but failed? Sometimes we shoot for things that don’t work out.  

I don’t always badger my kids, but a recent Facebook quote made me think about this. It pointed out that trying and failing was better than not trying at all.

So….where does this lead us?

• We’ve talked about change before—but it is always important to consider. Why? Because life is change. Every time you get attached to something—it changes. Journal about how you deal with change. What feelings does it bring up for you? What has been the best change in your life—why? What was the hardest change—why?
• How have experiences changed you? Both positive and difficult experiences change us. Challenging ones help us know that we can survive. Write about what skills you used to get through. Once you identify them, you can use those same skills next time. Or if something didn’t work well…that’s important to know too. Maybe next time, you want to try something different.
• Write about when you feel confident. What talents do you believe in? How can you work to develop those skills? Sometimes it is important to think about what you do well and realize areas where you might not excel. That can allow you to pursue and develop your own special talents. I can write better than I can draw. So I might play with my drawing.  But if I want to work to develop my confidence and skills, I probably want to pursue my writing. I need to understand where my talents lie. I tend to be quiet rather than able to carry on lots of small talk—okay. That’s me. I love to listen—I love to learn about others. Nothing wrong with that.
• What is your definite of success? You need to think about that. Because if you feel that you aren’t successful—that will affect your view of yourself and your life. But, be careful. If you are aiming for perfection…well…hate to disappoint…that is not possible. Too many women whom I work with want to be perfect. We need to grab Project Heal’s motto and be “Imperfectly Perfect”. What does that mean? That your imperfections are perfect! You’re perfect by being you. You need to embrace your uniqueness. Write about what you see as your imperfections. Is there any way to embrace them as part of your imperfect perfection? Or if it is not something that you want to hold onto….then how can you improve on it? I am not the most organized person. So I can try to improve on that but may also need to pull in other help. What do you need help with? It’s okay. We don’t need to do everything on our own.
• Finally write about what is important to you. What do you need to do to live your own life?

Go, Write On! and figure it out.

Martha Peaslee Levine, MD

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-write-health

http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/your_write_to_health/

http://www.beamaia.com

 

Ride to the Stars

Last week in my journaling group, in celebration of Sally Ride, everyone wrote about people who had inspired them. The rules were simple, as are most of the rules in this group. The main rule is to WRITE.  The other guideline was to write about someone who has inspired you—in your life or someone famous. Write about anyone at all, but write about inspiration.

Everyone wrote about very different people—some within their lives and some famous. But what was interesting was that within the writing, there was no focus on external beauty. The reasons that individuals were seen as inspiring were related to their internal qualities. Much of it came down to compassion. It was through compassion for others that inspiration came and compassion for themselves and their dreams and their ideals.

As I said, this writing exercise and this blog were inspired by Sally Ride. I was saddened by her death, but inspired by her life. Clearly she embodied the essence of compassion. She followed her own dreams and became the first woman in space. She then helped inspire others’ dreams by working to encourage children’s study of science. She showed women everywhere that we are capable of anything.

Dream, Dare, Do!

Yet there is an aspect of Sally Ride’s life that we didn’t get to in the journaling group, but which I think is important to consider. Ride’s partner of 27 years, Tam O’Shaughnessy, will not receive survivor benefits. This raised the question for me—how do we deal with inequalities in our lives? We all come up against them—some huge, some small. Some hear the words, “If you were a boy, I’d work to put you through college.” Some hear thoughts of what they are or aren’t able to do. We hear about benefits taken away from people. But we also hear about power being taken away or dreams.

So…

• Take the prompt that we used in our journaling group. Write about someone who inspires you and why. Maybe expand the prompt. Write about someone in your life who inspires you. Then pick someone who feels larger than life. What is it that inspires you? What do you see as important qualities?
• Our group focused a lot on compassion—for others and for oneself. What does compassion mean to you? How do you show compassion to others? What compassion have you received? What compassion do you show yourself? It seems that often individuals can accept stumbles from others, but not from themselves. While we need to strive to better ourselves, we need to accept that we are “imperfectly perfect”.
• Now journal about any inequalities that you have felt in your life. Are there things that others have told you that you can’t achieve or don’t deserve? Are there criticisms that you give yourself? For inequalities that you face in life, how do you deal with them? Do you give in? Do you fight? For the inequalities that you inflict on yourself, how can you challenge any negative beliefs? Ask yourself—would you tell these same criticisms to others? Can you show yourself the same compassion that you would show to others?
• Now consider the quote which I love and which relates to this blog. “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” Journal to understand what your “moon” is. What are your dreams? If anything was possible, what would you pursue? How do you add some of your dream to your life? My dream includes writing, and here I am…putting words to paper.

Go on now, Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, MD

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-write-health

http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/your_write_to_health/

http://www.beamaia.com

 

Can We Ever Get “Freeh” From Child Abuse?

Yesterday instead of accomplishing the myriad of things on my to-do list, I spent hours reading the Freeh Report. There were many reasons that I wanted to read through all 287 pages. I work at Penn State and wanted to know how things had gone so horribly wrong. I am a psychiatrist and have had to make a number of mandated reports. And I am a mother.

I remember when the charges against Sandusky were first announced in the beginning of November. I was dropping my son off at a Model UN camp, where the only person he knew was a counselor that he had met the summer before. It felt eerie, leaving him at the hotel and I reinforced my instructions.  “Call me”, if he had any concerns or questions. I then drove to another conference where I was involved in a presentation about Ethics and Eating Disorders. Yes, we had to admit, as Penn State’s ethical failings dominated the news, we’re from Penn State and we’re speaking about ethics.

Now with this report, here are some of my thoughts and on-going concerns.

1. It was gratifying to see that the report was thorough and is out there for the public to read and discuss. Too much of the time, child abuse continues because of the shroud of secrecy. To stop child abuse, we need to be aware that is it happening. We need to understand the warning signs. We need to be willing to take a stand and protect our children.
2. It was concerning to become aware of a culture that kept individuals from reporting what they knew. What culture had to be in place that could cause three janitors who witnessed concerning events to fear they would lose their jobs if they attempted to report what they saw? But this is a concern in many aspects of our culture. Who has the power? Who will be believed?
3. It was troubling that in 1998 when a mother brought her concerns forward and individuals appeared to proceed with a report, nothing was done even though agencies that are supposed to help protect children’s welfares were involved. This is upsetting to me. I have had similar challenges. How do we help children when we report their story of abuse and the parents convince the agency that no wrong has occurred, but then won’t bring the child back in for treatment because we authored the report? It puts physicians, at times, in difficult situations. We need to report, but then we might lose the child from treatment. We might lose them from the chance to get the help they need. If through the report and investigation, we could be assured that treatment and protection would be offered to the child that could be an acceptable risk. But often, the reports are closed without any clear intervention, such has what happened with Sandusky in 1998.

Yet this blog is designed to offer journaling prompts. So how do we take this material and write towards health?

Well…..

• First clearly, if you have been a victim of child abuse, if you feel comfortable, you can write about the event and look at the emotional impact it has had on your life. The individuals who I work with, who have suffered from abuse, often have a great difficulty trusting others. (Very understandable.) Do you know someone who has been abused? How did that affect their lives? Or take a moment to write about subtle forms of abuse either in your family or in the work culture. Have you had individuals who made you feel bad about yourself? Have you felt powerless to stop someone from emotionally, physically or sexually using and/or abusing you? There are times in relationships that we feel like we don’t have the power to speak up. Write about a time when you didn’t feel like you could express yourself. A time when you didn’t feel like you could draw the necessary boundaries to make yourself feel safe. What happened? How could you change things now?
• Write about feeling powerless. What does that mean for you? How do you define power? What helps you feel powerful? Sometimes we equate money or fame with power, but we can each become powerful in our own lives. We do this by understanding what is important to us, how to stay true to our values, how to, at times, say “no” to others.
• Write about the boundaries that you feel are important in your life. Do you feel that you can tell someone when you don’t want to do something? Can you set limits? If not, what holds you back? Sometimes we are worried about disappointing others. But we need to keep in mind—are we disappointing ourselves? Are we going against our own values? Journal about your values. What is important to you?
• The report described a culture of silence. Journal about aspects of “culture” in your life. Are you able to speak up in your family? If you have disagreed with someone in the past, how was that received? What is the culture at your work? Are you able to express your opinions? Do you feel that you are taken seriously? Journal about your experience of the difference cultural situations in your life.
• Take this time to journal about our culture in general. The other day in my journaling group, a young woman raised the question about how can she recover from her eating disorder when our culture gives so many messages about appearance, etc., which make people feel bad about themselves. We discussed that for ads to be successful they often need to make us feel bad about ourselves so that we’ll buy the product to get whatever promised benefit. What messages are you receiving from our culture? Write fast, don’t think too much, write past your inner censor to discover what you are absorbing…Our culture tells me….keep repeating that stem to find the underlying messages that you are living with. Now work to challenge them.
• And finally, write about an issue that you feel passionate about. Write or speak up. We need to start discussions about bullying and child abuse and rape and how to help keep people safe. Ignoring and pushing these issues away is not going to help. We know that abuse happens. Silence fosters it. Let’s write opinions or talk with each other. We can’t let silence and harm continue.

So, go….

Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, MD

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-write-health

http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/your_write_to_health/

http://www.beamaia.com

A New Door Opening

 Last week my son graduated from high school!

 It was an exciting day. He was valedictorian and gave a speech which focused on determination, compromise, and fighting for what you believe in. His two lessons are part of this blog. But there is also the theme of change.

I started blogging when David started high school. One of my first blogs was when he signed the Upper School Book. That blog post examined the importance of ritual. Unfortunately, one of my next blogs was about hazing. It was then that David asked, “Mom, can’t you find inspiration somewhere else?” So I did. But with this recent momentous occasion—I have to come back to my kids’ inspirational influence in my life. A door has closed—high school is done. But another door—or window—has opened. He is heading off to college.

Here are the thoughts for the day—

                Lesson 1 from the speech: Have an opinion and fight for what you believe in. One of my favorite parts from my son’s speech was a quote by Winston Churchill. “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” Too often individuals that I see at our Clinic try to keep everyone happy, all of the time. They twist themselves into knots to keep from disappointing people. But we can’t keep everyone happy. The best we can do is work to be compassionate while staying true to our own dreams. Our opinions and beliefs may run counter to others. That’s okay. Let’s be respectful, but get some dialog going! Your view of what your future should be—what you want to do—may not mirror the dreams that others have for you. But it is your life. To understand what you believe and what you want to fight for—you may have to journal to help clarify your thoughts.

                Lesson 2 from the speech: Be willing to compromise on beliefs or actions that won’t violate your core self. Too often, we believe that our views are the only correct ones. We especially see this with politicians. My son’s lesson, taken from Model UN, is that when we get people together, we have to try and find compromises. We have to work to understand each other and come to a common meeting ground. But don’t forget Lesson 1, compromise is important but not the only requirement. It is also important to hold true to values and dreams that define you.

                And, finally, Change: As my son gets ready to go off to college, I can already envision a new relationship developing between us. We will be moving to a relationship as adults. Yes, at the moment, I still have more control in the relationship. But that will gradually diminish. Down the road, I will be able to offer my opinion, but he will make his own decisions about his life and dreams. As we move along that road, we will need to compromise on our expectations of each other. And we will each offer our own opinions and views. We won’t agree on everything. But we will agree on one thing—that we love each other.

So….

• Journal about your opinions and dreams. What do you believe—write about it so that you can understand more about what is important in your life. What are your thoughts about family? How should family work to help each other? What are family members’ obligations? What can be expected from friends or family? What should you expect from yourself? What do you value—honesty, trust…? What will be important to you in the future—friends, work, a loving relationship, money, fame? Journal to discover what you think you need to have happen to be happy and why. What are your dreams for your life? What are your passions? What makes you feel alive? What weighs you down?
• Journal about how you feel about compromise. What compromises have worked well in your life? Are there times when you felt you gave up too much? Within your family how were disagreements settled? In evaluations, I have asked individuals about how their families dealt with disagreements when they were away on vacations. I have received answers from clear compromise to escalating fights. So journal what you remember about growing up. How did your family handle differences of opinions? If you disagree with someone, how does that make you feel? What is the worst thing that can happen when two people disagree?
• Journal about change. What does it mean for you? How do you feel about change? What is a good change that you have experienced in your life? What has been a difficult change?

So, get going, Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, MD

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-write-health

http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/your_write_to_health/

http://www.beamaia.com

 

Life is.....?

Life is change.

I have been busy living the change.  

My son finally knows where he is going to college. My daughter has moved up to starting goalie. And within our family we have a member who is changing genders. How is that for change?

 While navigating all this, it has once again become clear that life never, ever stays the same. We all like to believe that we have control over everything. We think that we can keep things on an even keel, keep them the same. Or if the “same” is not possible, then if we make the right choice, everything will work out the way we want. And sometimes it does. But even then, the “working out” is still a change.  And sometimes things don’t work out. Still more change.

How do you navigate the uncertainty that occurs in your life? Some individuals, who struggle with eating disorders, try to keep control of life by controlling what and how they eat. Other individuals try to organize everything in their lives—if they make enough lists or do things in a certain way, then things will stay predictable and nothing bad will happen. But here is the reality—life changes. We each get older. The Earth shifts. The Universe continues to expand. Remember—

“The fluttering of a butterfly's wings can effect climate changes on the other side of the planet.”  ~Paul Erlich

Things change.

Through these last few days I started to understand the overwhelming emotions that many individuals feel when they are faced with uncertainty and change. I had one patient who when we were trying to adjust her medication dose—she was on meds to help with her anxiety—said, “You mean that so I can deal with change, I first need to make a change?”

The answer?

Simply, Yes.

But for her even increasing her medication felt overwhelming and difficult.

We all have different levels of change that we can accept without feeling overwhelmed. Some of what we need to do is recognize our comfort level and then work to find coping skills to expand it. And we also need to realize that, yes, CHANGE HAPPENS! And each of us will feel overwhelmed by it at some point in time. But we can get through it. And often we come out the other side of change stronger for having gone through the experience.

So…

• Write about how you feel about change. Do you find it scary? Exciting? Both? The challenge with excitement is that it can veer over into panic. Think about the sensations you experience when you are excited about something—heart races, you get butterflies in your stomach, you may start feeling tingly and revved up. Now think about when you find something scary—your heart races, you can feel nauseous, you get revved up—part of the “flight or fight” response. Does change tip you over the edge from excitement to panic? If someone tells you that “Life is change”, how do you feel about that? Don’t write just one word—write about change for 10 minutes. If you get stuck, go back to the core sentence—“Change means….”
• Write about a time in your life that you had to deal with a significant change. What was it? How did it go? Describe the event and your emotions. What was hard about the change? What was good? What did you learn? Would you deal with it differently now? If so, how? I could write about moving my senior year of high school, or any of those other many life events that started off this blog.
• Write about excitement—what makes you excited? Why? Do you love roller coasters? I do, but I don’t like waiting in line. It is not just the wait, but during that time my excitement will tip over into panic if I think about the ride too much. Think about what excites you and why? What terrifies you? And why?
• What is one change that you’d like to make in your life? In the world? Write about a year from now, five years, what changes would you like to see have happened? What steps do you need to get there?

All right—time for a change. You need to stop reading and start writing.

So, Go, Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, MD

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-write-health

http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/your_write_to_health/

http://www.beamaia.com