Your Write to Health

DECLARING INDEPENDENCE

 

Our country celebrated its Independence Day this weekend with spectacular fireworks bursting in the night sky. I was lucky enough to see fireworks on both Saturday and Sunday. I find myself reflecting on the weekend, the symbols, and on Jenni Schaefer’s Declaration of Independence from her eating disorder.

A Declaration of Independence is an important statement. When it was clear that our country needed to determine its own direction, our founding fathers crafted a statement of beliefs that define who we are as a people. Jenni’s Declaration helped define who she was and how she wanted to live her life unencumbered by her eating disorder. A Declaration provides a chance to reflect on what is important in life. It allows us to define who we are and what we want our future to look like. When our country declared its independence from England, we clarified that we didn’t want decisions made about us without our ability to have a say—no taxation without representation. So consider your eating disorder—is ED acting as much if not more of a tyrant than the King of England was to our young country?  Does ED push you towards decisions and actions and beliefs about yourself that are not in keeping with how you want to define your life and your future? Does he really represent your true ideals? When I ask clients in my groups whether they would tell their best friends some of the critical statements that they tell themselves, they all respond that they wouldn’t. Why allow ED’s tyranny to define you and determine what you tell yourself? Where is the representation of your true ideals?

The fireworks this weekend reminded me about one element of our country’s revolution which relates to recovery. Fireworks are a bright burst of color. They are fabulously fun to watch. They make us ooh and aah and then they’re gone. But the hard work behind preserving our independence goes on long after the fireworks have died away. When our country declared its independence, it was a burst of determined action which, no doubt, felt decisive and strong as our founders signed their names on that parchment. But then came the long years of the war to truly win our independence. This truth applies to recovery. With a flourish you may craft and sign your Declaration of Independence and that is a fabulous statement. It is decisive; it is a burst of optimism and commitment. But after that initial act, you will need to fight the long war against ED. He will be sneaky and launch stealth missions to try and penetrate your defenses. He may use tricks and seductions; he may pretend to be a friend while he is slowly killing you. He may hold you as his prisoner and try to tear down your morale and stamina by telling you everything bad that he can. That is just another trick. It is another tactic of the war.

Our Country’s fight for its independence was long and hard, but so worthwhile. Your fight for recovery—for your independence from ED—is worthwhile, too. Within the field of combat, people talk about losing a battle, but winning the war. This is an important concept to remember in your recovery. If you experience a slip, that may be a battle lost, but the war is still being fought. The most important thing is to not give up, to not surrender, and to continue to fight for your independence from ED.

Continue your fight for your recovery.

·         Write your own Declaration of Independence. You can craft it using the guidelines of our Country’s Declaration. If that helped us gain independence from tyranny, it may be able to help guide you. Or craft your own. If you need to, start by jotting down your thoughts about what will be important to include in this document. You do not need to craft the declaration perfectly—jot down ideas, cross them out, discover you own true thoughts. Even our founders changed their language again and again, crafting it until it more clearly spoke our truest beliefs. You do not have to craft your document perfectly—even our country had to add amendments as we discovered additional truths and further beliefs. So craft the best that you can now and then refine it as often as you need to, but discover your truths—what you believe, not what ED is telling you to believe. Discover the things you would advise your best friend or a young child, not what ED would want you to tell them. Find the truths that will make you and your life stronger and that will burst with the beauty of independence.

·         Craft an inspiration journal or collage—collect thoughts, beliefs, pictures anything that inspires you. When you need a burst of energy to keep the war of recovery going, turn to this journal. Include things around you that make you grateful—birdsong, the brilliant color of butterflies, fireworks lighting up a night sky.

·         Work to develop your war plan. If ED sneaks in and wins one battle—that doesn’t mean he has won the war. But you’ll need a plan, reinforcements that you can call in. Defenses (i.e. coping strategies) to any of his sneak attacks. You’ll need some offensive techniques—if you know certain situations will trigger ED, then develop a strategy to help stave off the attack. Sometimes the best defense is a good offense, take control of your recovery. Gather the strengths and techniques that you need to face down ED. Take this chance to journal your beliefs and goals and focus on them so that ED can’t keep getting into your way. And if you get into trouble—fire up a flare—ask for help. There are some battles that you don’t need to fight alone.

Go, on now, Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.

THE ART OF IMPERFECTION

It has been awhile since my last blog and I apologize. Life seems to have gotten in the way with the end of a school year, my son’s birthday, a family trip, and a very busy clinic with some enthusiastic medical students trying to pursue research.

I could beat myself up for falling down on my responsibility. In the past, I might have done that, but I’m working hard to not put energy into things that are not worthwhile—I’m not talking about the blog, but the beating up on myself. Some of this is because life functions better if I’m not self-criticizing—but some of this is for my kids and my patients. If I encourage them to accept mistakes and missteps without being too hard on themselves, then shouldn’t I walk the same walk?

In a recent article in a psychiatric newspaper, the author described her depression as a gift. Sound unusual? Her view of her illness was that through medication and psychotherapy, she learned more about herself. Through her work to conquer her depression, she found new insights and new acceptance of herself and her challenges in life. She came to an understanding of the benefit of doing things well even if they were not done perfectly. Life cannot be perfectly organized, but it can function well enough so that we live, we love, we accept others and ourselves, we care for others, but also care for ourselves. Trying to live a “perfect” life is a myth and it is the cause of a lot of guilt and depression. When we strive only for perfection and don’t accept “good enough” then we find disappointment and reasons for self-criticism in every sphere.

Perfection was the discussion of a recent journaling group. We started with the Mary Oliver poem, Wild Geese. The first line is “You do not have to be good.” When many of the women wrote about this poem—that line triggered thoughts about perfection. While many individuals in my program have been able to agree intellectually that perfection is impossible—emotionally, they are unwilling to relinquish that goal. So they strive not to just be good enough, but perfect. This makes it hard to try new things because when they make mistakes then they are not perfect. This can lead to more and more limitations in life--trying to avoid mistakes. When perfection is not possible, depression and guilt gets fueled.

Isn’t it better to celebrate what we accomplish rather than condemn what we haven’t achieved? Isn’t it better to love ourselves in our good enough state rather than despise ourselves because we aren’t perfect? Isn’t it better to live—really live—an imperfect life than try to control and craft everything around us to try and design perfection? Perfection is a myth—we’re here in reality.

So…

• What does perfection mean for you? What about being “good enough”?
• What can you celebrate about yourself and your life? Start with the prompt, “I celebrate…” and write. It might be simple things or something large, but writing about it can help remind you about what you have.
  • I celebrate my dogs who have a pure view of life and wag their tails so fast when I come home that their whole bodies wiggle. I celebrate my daughter who giggles and my son who keeps me on my toes with his sarcastic wit. I celebrate the opportunities that I have to write and learn more about myself and hopefully help others. I celebrate the coolness of the evening and fireflies and flowers bobbing so heavy on their stems that they can almost touch the ground. I celebrate dancing clouds and rainbows and the crescent moon in the crisp night when I step outside to take the dogs out.
• Check out Mary Oliver’s poem “Wild Geese”. Take the first line—Instead of good, what would you put in? You do not have to be….? What? You do not have to be perfect. You do not have to be self-critical. You do not have to put yourself down.
• And what do you need to do? You need to treat yourself as nicely as you treat others. You need to pursue your dreams. You need to be yourself—your true self.

So discover your gifts, embrace your imperfections and go Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.  

OUT OF GAS

The other day, my husband called—he had run out of gas. Well, actually no, not him, but his car. He was getting ready to walk to the gas station and wanted to know if I could swing by and pick him up. The kids and I found him filling a one gallon gas can. We drove him back to his car—he put the gas in, got ready to start the car and….nothing. Maybe not enough gas? Back to the station, another trip back to the car. Still nothing. One motorist stopped—the problem, he suggested, was that the car was on an angle—more gas was probably needed. Back and forth we ferried gas, one gallon at a time—no other gas cans were available. With each gallon, my husband tried starting the car again—still no luck. Another motorist stopped and told us that a hybrid has to sit for a couple of hours in order to “reset” itself. B y this time with all the driving of gas back and forth, it had been a few hours and still the car was unwilling to start. My husband called the Toyota dealer—no one there was sure how to get the hybrid happy again. Did the battery need to be recharged? Would leaving it to sit quietly convince it to restart? 

It was getting dark, the car was at the bottom of a hill; we couldn’t just leave it. A policeman who stopped to help made the observation that if the car remained where it was, it would be trashed before long because someone would come flying over the hill and hit it. And still the car wouldn’t start. So AAA was called and the car was towed. It was days later before the Prius specialist was back at work. He had to reset the engine. His sage advice? “Don’t run out of gas.”

Why bring this up? I think there are a few things to learn from this event, (in addition to the fact that my kids felt that if they had been blogged about, it was fair play for Dad’s antics to get recorded). First thing to note is that there are times that something that seems like it should be easy can often be very, very hard. The car runs out of gas—you should just be able to put gas in it and that’s that. Sound like any advice you might have been given—just eat? It sounds easy, but it’s not. Just as the Prius needed a specialist to help make it work again, in your recovery, you may need specialized help. You may need tools provided by others to restart your recovery if you stumble or reach an obstacle.

Second, consider the evening. The kids and I thought we’d have a nice Friday night together as a family. Suddenly we were carrying gas gallon by gallon to a stalled car. Ever have plans that were completely blown apart? How about times when you have to shake your head about something that has happened—“You forgot to get gas? Our office is next to a gas station.” Now you can either get annoyed and angry and yell at the person and have them get annoyed and angry and yell back. But know what? None of us is perfect. If we let a bothersome thing pass and not get upset—then when we do something bothersome, maybe the same respect will be shown to us. That doesn’t mean that we accept someone hurting us—emotionally or physically, but that wasn’t the case. It was a small annoyance. My husband and I rolled our eyes, we laughed about it, and now I get to blog about it.

So….

·         Are there times that plans have gotten blow apart for some unexpected reason? Remember my last blog? The conference that got canceled because of swine flu? Things happen in life. We might hope for things to work out perfectly, and sometimes they will but other times, they won’t. Journal about a time when something you had been planning for or looking forward to, didn’t work out the way you expected. What was the event? What happened? What was your reaction? Could you have reacted differently? Is there any way to see humor in the event now? Sometimes it’s hard to find humor at the moment—but maybe later you can. If you practice finding humor in the ridiculous circumstances that life throws at us—maybe you’ll be able to find some humor the next time a plan goes awry. 

 

·         We talked about how something simple can end up larger than one initially suspects. It took more than some gas to get the car going. It may take extra tools to tackle some of the challenges that you’re facing. Do you ever find yourself dismissing something as not that important, but then find that it trips you up again and again in your recovery? Write about what that situation is—describe it, describe the feelings that it evokes. Does that simple task take you back to another more emotionally fraught situation? Can you discover what might be turning a simple task into something much larger? Can you bring other tools to help deal with the challenge? We needed a special Prius technician—you might need to work directly with a dietician, a therapist, both. If you’re struggling in an area, talk with others to see if others tools can be brought in to help.

The tool you can use right now is to go Write On!

 

Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.

  

CONFERENCE CANCELED

I was supposed to be in Cancun right now at the international conference of the Academy of Eating Disorders. I had two small presentations—but had been working with others on them for much of this year. Of course, our work was hardly comparable to the Board members who organized the conference. They had put in scores of hours and much energy to bring everything together and suddenly it all had to be canceled because of the Swine Flu Pandemic. They, clearly, have made the right decision.

So consider that—sometimes right decisions are extremely hard to make. Sometimes right decisions lead to disappointments. Sometimes with right decisions one thing is lost, but something else is gained.

What’s gained for the organization? One thing is comfort knowing that we didn’t add to the potential spread of the flu to all parts of the world. The second is watching the pulling together of the membership to look at ways to help our organization recover from a financially devastating decision. Support has been offered, ideas generated, clear camaraderie evident in all of the e-mails.

How does this relate to the blog and your recovery?

Well, first this blog allows me to touch on challenges in my life. I can write through my disappointment at not being able to go. I can reflect on the importance of my family who were initially working to make sure if I went I didn’t sick and who helped hug and support me and tell me they were glad I was safe when I had to stay home. Second is a moment to write and think about those who are struggling with the flu and send some positive energy their way. My husband told me about a study in which patients who had been prayed for improved whether they knew someone was praying for them or not. Consider that—if we send positive energy and prayers out into the world, we could affect substantial changes. Third, is to have you stop and reflect about this event and relate it to your own recovery.

Life has a way of throwing us curve balls—each and everyone one of us. The challenge is how we face them. Do we rally our supports and work to soldier on? Do we work to discover whatever silver lining we can, even if it’s small? Or do we fall back on destructive coping styles and end up making the obstacle worse? Consider how you face challenges—do you face them and grow or turn away from them and use symptoms?

Sometimes we do need a short break—a time to curl up and push the problem away. But during this time, it’s important to harness energy to then move ahead. We need to seek our supports, brainstorm what to do next, and look for that silver lining. I’m not in Mexico, but I’m part of an exceptional group of professionals and family. And I suddenly have five unscheduled days that I can use to get all sorts of things done!

                Journal about challenges you have faced or are facing. Can you discover supports to help you through? Can you brainstorm options—if you can’t go over it, can you go around, under? Can you find any silver lining?

                If you need a break—take a short one, discover what healthy coping skills can help you relax, rejuvenate and reinvigorate. Curling up and watching a mind-numbing movie, doing a crossword so you don’t have to think, petting your dog, sipping a cup of chamomile tea—I used to give that to my son to help his colic. But this is a healthy coping skill break. Sit and take some deep breaths, do some simple stretching exercises, settle a heating pad around your shoulders to ease tense muscles. Journal now so you have a list of helpful techniques when you need them.

                We talked about the healing power of positive energy and prayer. Write a prayer for yourself—what you need help with and a plea for peace and strength, a thanking for what you have and for the beauty in the world. Prayers can help us gather strength at difficult times, but can also help us be grateful for what we already have.

Nameste.

And go Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.

OWN PERSONAL ADVOCATE

 

I hear a lot of doubt in group—but also power. The other day a woman was worried about whether graduate school would work for her, another worried that her sensory challenges would make it impossible to get a job, someone else felt defined as “a sick girl” and wondered if that could ever change. Many of these reflections came during journaling group as we looked at inner truth. As a group we worked to challenge whether these different beliefs were bogus or bona fide. We defined a bona fide truth as being an inner truth, one that makes us stronger. The bogus were psuedotruths—beliefs that might be presented to us but which make us feel weaker.

We looked at the different “truths” which had been raised. When the woman who related that her sensory challenges have made it a challenge to stick with a job and who worried that she’d never be able to find a job that she could tolerate, the group was quick to offer suggestions of types of work that might be appropriate—in a library, data entry on the 3^rd shift, pharmacy tech, counting out pills…. Suddenly a worry—how this condition would limit her life—proved to be bogus. She has options; it will just take work to discover them.

What about the truth that because someone has been sick for awhile—she is now the “sick girl” and will always have to have that role? What about the thought that because school or work didn’t go well before, someone is destined to fail again? No one can predict the future. The past does not equal the future.  Yes, we need to pay attention to the past, but we do not have to allow it to limit us. So what do we do?

First we can’t fall into that dangerous black and white thinking. We shouldn’t focus on the past to the extent that we believe that’s the only way things can go in the future. “I didn’t do well in school before—I won’t do well this time either.” One does not equal the other. But likewise, you don’t want to totally discount the past and focus only on the future. One wants to learn from the past so that the future can be different and better. If things didn’t go well before, what happened? Are there ways to get more support this time around? Is there a way to take a different approach which could lead to a different outcome?

The next truth was related to loved ones—the idea that they always know what’s best. Our bona fide truth was that—loved ones try, but they might make mistakes. They might not understand why a certain desire, goal, etc is so important to you. Each of us is different and we all need and want different things. Or they might have their own false beliefs or misconceptions which influence their advice. Or maybe, sadly, not everyone has our best interests at heart. I have heard enough stories of trauma to know that there are people out there who do injurious actions to others.

It is important to design a support system, but as one person in group said—the most important thing is to become our own personal advocate. Merriam-Webster defines the term advocate as coming from Latin— advocare to summon, from ad- + vocare to call, from voc-, vox voice. Let’s think about this—being your personal advocate would mean to summon your voice! It would be to use your voice to challenge bogus beliefs, to ask for support so the future can be different from the past, to advance your ideas, your beliefs, and your own special uniqueness.

So—

·         Last time we journaled to discover bogus vs. bona fide beliefs—that’s part of what led to this journaling group. Now work to look further at what bogus beliefs you carry from the past that you’re letting determine the future. If something didn’t go the way you wanted in the past, journal about it, examine it and figure out how to change the course of events in the future if you face this same obstacle. The story might have a similar beginning but it doesn’t have to end the same way.

·         Journal to become your own personal advocate. If you summoned your inner voice, what would she/he say? Close your eyes—picture your “inner voice”, listen to it. This probably sounds confusing—we have inner voices that we’ve talked about that help us understand what is important to us—for me, supporting my patients, help others discover their creativity and power, writing, my family. I have to listen to and weigh decisions based on those important areas. But sometimes I need a metaphor—I need to feel the power inside me to know that it can fuel my dreams even when my paths get rocky. You need to journal to discover the images, the metaphors that can inspire you—

·          

If I close my eyes and picture my “inner voice” I would discover that she is a white flame with blue and gold sparks that leaps and licks at doubts and disappointments. She is a fire warrior who like a spurt of dragon flame can warm me when I am lonely and cold, can slay my enemies of self-doubt, can fuel my passions. And in seeing that dragon, I can see her greenish gold scales now like the patina of copper on a glorious dome. I can see her deep brown eyes that are as warm as the richest dirt that is drenched in sunlight. Her smile can be fierce, but for me she is protective and the gleam of light off her sharpened teeth remind me that I can defend myself when I need to—I can pull up the armor, but for now, I can recline against her great huffing side and settle into a quiet confidence and believe in myself. This dragon is inside me, she fuels my creative self and can help power my own personal advocacy.

 

·         Journal your own metaphor and image. Then journal ways within your life that you can be your own personal advocate. Are you supporting yourself enough? If you were trying to help your best friend, would you do more? Put up inspiration quotes around the house to inspire them? Help them design a relaxation spot? Knit a comfort scarf for them? Bead a power bracelet? As you write and discover what you would do to support others, use those techniques to support yourself. Become your own personal advocate.

 

And go on, now, go, Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.

 

 

 

 

“I GUESS YOU DO KNOW SOMETHING.”

My husband, the other Dr. Levine as he’s known in our Clinic, gave “the talk” at our kids’ school the other week. He gives the basic talk about pertinent reproductive issues each year to the 5^th graders—culminating in the lesson that “no means no”.  (An important lesson.) Because of the success of his past talks, he has been asked to also speak with the 9^th grade class to give them a refresher course as they move into the challenging adolescent years. This seemed like a great plan until my son hit 9^th grade. Suddenly the idea, that his dad was going to give even more detailed information than he had given during the 5^th grade talk, seemed truly daunting. My husband pointed out that when he had given this exact talk last year to the 9^th graders, it had been well-received and no one even snickered. “Wow, Dad” the kids replied, “I guess you do know something.”

We all got a good laugh out of that one, but it started me thinking.

1.       Do we always realize when we know something or when someone else knows something?

2.       How do we figure out which somethings are actually true?

Let me try to clarify. The individuals I see in our program are all talented, unique, amazing individuals. Yet, none of them seem willing to acknowledge that they know something. They often undercut their talents and sell themselves short. If they haven’t done something perfectly or don’t know everything, then they know nothing. The old black and white and nothing in between.

 

When they come into the program, they rely on us to know something. And, luckily, we do. But we don’t know everything. We know what tools have helped others with their recoveries. We work to improve our skills so that we can offer more and more tools. We incorporate tools that others in the field are using.  But not every tool works for every person. So we know something, but you know something, too. You know what is challenging and what is working for you.

 

People often try to tell each other what is best. We all know what works for us or know our view on life, but that might not be a view that is true for everyone. We can respect opinions, but how do we know when something is actually true?  There are probably a limited number of truths—even things that people believed were true, i.e. that the world was flat, eventually got proven as untrue. So how do we know what’s true? Well, in life sometimes there are tests—is this idea or tool going to help my recovery? Does this belief make me feel better about myself or worse? Does this comment allow me to see myself as unique and amazing or is it trying to diminish my abilities?

 

If magazine editors want to believe that photo-shopped images look better on the covers, well that’s their opinion, but it doesn’t mean it’s the truth. It’s not the truth in many ways—those pictures aren’t true, they are manipulated. Making everyone look perfect and plastic, doesn’t make them look more beautiful. When we move away from our uniqueness to one sanitized version of truth—we diminish our own true beautiful nature.

 

So….

·         What truths have you been living with? What have others made you believe that you’ve never stopped to question? Write those thoughts down and examine them in a new light. Do you want to hold onto those beliefs? Do they make you a stronger, better person or do they diminish your true beauty?

·         What truths do you know that you might not even be aware of? Your inner truth. The truth that is important to you but that others might not know about. A truth for me is that writing is important in my life. It is how I come to understand more about myself and others. This is not necessarily a truth that others in my life share—okay. They don’t need to write, but I do. There is not a one-size-fits-all truth. So try and discover yours.

Use a sentence fragment…

o   I believe…..

o   My inner truth is….

o   If my soul could speak, it would tell me….

You may need to use these prompts at different times. As you move along in your recovery, you may come to learn new things about yourself.

·         Are you using your voice in your recovery? Gathering all the tools you need? Are you using tools that don’t work for you? Write to discover your thoughts and then work with your treatment team. Work with them—you have a view of your recovery, but use their expertise. And make sure the view you’re expressing is yours and not Ed’s.

·         What are magazines, TV, videos, the Internet telling you? Are you accepting images as truth? Challenge anything that you hear or see especially if it is making you feel bad about yourself. Look to see if it is trying to manipulate you into believing something is true that in fact might not be. Ads will always suggest that something new will make us happier or make our lives better. That is the job of an ad—to sell something. It is a sales tool. It is not the truth. Write to see how these images or tag lines are influencing you. If an ad or program is making you criticize yourself—journal about what is happening. Explore your thoughts and the way the media is trying to sway you. Understanding these effects will help you decipher when something is bona fide and when it is bogus. 

o   Bona fide—We are all unique and amazing people!

o   Bogus—We all have to be the same.

So, go, discover your own truths. Go, Write On!

 

Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.

OUT OF PRINT OR THE POWER OF REJECTION

Recently, I got a letter telling me that my picture book, Stop That Nose!, was going out of print. It was a hard letter to receive. The idea for this book developed when my son was in pre-school. It took eight years from that first idea until the book came out in print. Not eight years of constantly working on it, but years spent putting the idea to paper, critiquing it with friends, sending it out to editors, getting it rejected, revising it again, and so on. Then came the day that an editor accepted it-first excitement! Then the ultimate excitement--seeing it available for purchase on-line, finding it in bookstores, holding the finished book in my hands. Now after three years, it is going out of print.

Why am I telling you this?

One reason is clearly to work through my own emotions. I advocate writing as a way to self-discovery, as a way to deal with difficult emotions. Part of this column for me is walking the talk, or writing the talk as the truth would have it. No, I’m not going to take you through all my gory feelings, the sullen silence and tears that my family had to endure. Clearly that can be part of dealing with rejection. But part of writing about difficult experiences is to try and understand their effect on us, to put them in perspective, to see how we can grow and move on.

Second is to look at the power rejection has on us—truthfully, it has the amount of power that we allow it to have. When any rejection comes, we are allowed to muddle around for a bit, grieving our loss. That can be healthy because we are acknowledging the effect the event had on us. It is better to be truthful than numb all of our emotions and not admit to some inner pain. But once we have grieved, we need to get going again. How much power do we want this rejection to have? Should it define our life? Should I no longer identify myself as a writer because my book is going out of print? No. This event happens to many writers. It is a fact of writing life. There are certain challenging facts of life—we will all have disappointments, we will all experience rejections, we will all have losses. If we try to run away from those experiences, then we’ll miss out on the positive moments too. We’ll miss out on life. My book is going out of print. To avoid that hurt would mean that I would have missed the excitement that I felt before when I watched the concept develop, when I shared the story with others, when I participated in book signing events.

Third is to consider responses that I got from others in my life related to this event. Most of my family was supportive—they let me know that this didn’t change how they saw me, they expressed their love, and they let me be irritable and sulky for a few days. Friends chimed in to tell me that I was still a great writer. Others, who recently had discovered the book, chimed in to tell me how much they loved the story. A few family members, though, didn’t return the phone message that I had left for them about the news. Didn’t mention it later when we talked. I’ll admit it, that bothered me a bit. In a recent journaling group, we were using a prompt from Eating by the Light of the Moon. In the assertiveness chapter, there is a great formula about how to express your feelings to others. I had everyone use this formula to write out something that they had wanted to express, but hadn’t. And I did it too. When I was done, I realized that I didn’t need to actually tell my parents these feelings. (Although if they read this blog, I guess they’ll discover them.) It was helpful just to write them out. I discovered that probably the reason that they didn’t say anything is because they have difficulty dealing with rejection—especially my rejection. They want to watch me succeed. They have only good hopes for me. They want to control the bumps in life. And when they can’t, it is hard for them and so they don’t know what to say. (Hint to families—just say “I love you” and “I’m here for you”.)

So long post, but now it’s your turn—

·         How have you been dealing with rejections and disappointments? Journal about a past or recent time and write about what happened, how it made you feel and how you dealt with it. Did eating disorder symptoms come into play? What feelings were you trying to numb with them? I know, it hurts to feel, but it’s okay. It hurts worse in the end not to feel. Let it out, bit by bit on the paper.

·         What joy or excitement would you have missed if you always worked to avoid disappointment? Are there things that you haven’t allowed yourself to do because you worried about the pain of potential failure or rejection? It might be there, but there could also be the soaring feeling of happiness. If you try to limit and numb all the negatives in your life, you’ll miss out on some of the positives, too. What would you try if you knew that you were guaranteed success? Journal about that and then try one of those things even without the guarantee.

·         How much power do you give to rejection? Have you given up something that you love or that’s important to you because of criticism or negative comments? Take that power back. If you love something and it failed, well, try again. Own the power, good and bad. I am not going to stop being a writer. It is clearly part of who I am.

·         Who do you turn to for support? Journal about a time that maybe that person didn’t respond in the way you expected. Maybe they didn’t respond at all. Write about what happened, how you felt and what you wanted to say. Use Anita Johnston’s formula. When you…., I felt…., because…. Then tell that person if it will help open up roads of communication. Or discover through writing your thoughts about what went on. If you’re blaming yourself—look deeper. You don’t control everything. If you’re blaming someone else, try to see if maybe they weren’t trying to hurt you but if they themselves were scared. Journal what you think they might have been feeling or thinking. Or if you can’t figure it out, journal the questions you would like to ask to help you understand. Then see if you can open up a discussion. Remember discussions don’t mean attacking back and forth. Discussions are not only talking, but also listening. If you have a hard time doing that together, then maybe the two of you can journal back and forth. Each of you can write about the situation. See if you can discover and understand the feelings that caused the rift. Can you learn more about yourself and each other? Can you see things in a new light?

·         If someone isn’t able to give you the support you need for your recovery, journal about that loss. But also journal about other people who you can turn to for support or other ideas or places to go. We can’t get everything from everyone. I get support from my family, but sometimes I have to turn to friends. I have to turn to journaling to discover my own thoughts. That’s okay—the journal is always there.

·         Journal some affirmations now. You’ve dealt with some tough emotions—remind yourself of some positives, but do it with power. We do this at the end of most journaling groups. We use prompts like  I believe… If individuals whisper their beliefs a little too softly, we make them say them again with power. So with power now—all capitals if you need to. I BELIEVE I AM A GOOD WRITER. I BELIEVE IN MY CREATIVE POWER. I BELIEVE THAT I WILL GET THROUGH THIS AND BE STRONGER ON THE OTHER SIDE. I BELIEVE!

Go on now—Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.

What is the Universe Telling You?

 

This past week, I was scheduled to drive to a writing retreat in Vermont. Unable to hit the road Wednesday night because of the weather, I planned to leave early Thursday. Of course, this same weather meant that my kids had a two-hour delay for school. I realized I wouldn’t be leaving until mid-morning. Then my daughter developed an ear infection with puss draining from her ear. I got her antibiotics and realized I wasn’t leaving until late morning.

Around noon, I finally hit the road. About an hour and half away, I was driving along quite happily, and my car suddenly lost power. Luckily, I was able to get to the side of the road. I tried a few more times to get the car going, but it kept dying. I had to call a tow truck. My car and I were transported to the dealership—right back where I had started from. Luckily, I was able to get a loaner car. So I started off again. It was now four in the afternoon. I called home and my son told me, “The universe is trying to tell you not to go.” I had to wonder if that was true when I passed the exit to my house. But I aimed the car towards Vermont. I drove by the spot where my car had broken down. I had to wonder again—am I supposed to be staying home?

I got to the conference around midnight. I had two and half terrific days of bonding with other authors and receiving great instruction on elements of the writing craft. I made new friends and connected with old ones. I would have missed all of this great creative fuel if I had listened to what my son was calling “the message of the universe” and had stayed home.

So how does this relate to eating disorders and recovery?

Clearly when individuals are on the road to recovery—it is rocky and setbacks occur. So what do you do with this information? Do you view it as a sign that you are not going to be able to recover? Does ED try to tell you that recovery is not going to be worth the effort? That you should get off that bumpy road and just go back home—with him.

But ED is not promising an easy life either. He might sound seductive as he calls to you, but he is like the sirens calling to the sailors. When they listen to the sirens’ calls, they end up on the rocks with broken bodies and boats.

Bumpy roads are part of life—recovery, daily goals, long-term goals. There is no guarantee that anything will come easily. What each of us needs to do, though, is identify goals that are important and make the commitment to reach them even when we face obstacles. Often the most important goals are the hardest to reach. Struggling to get somewhere or achieve something makes us appreciate it that much more. Each year, I have loved attending this retreat, but there was something different this time. A part of me listened closer to messages of friendship and craft because I had fought so hard to get there.

Was the Universe telling me to stay home? If it was, I didn’t listen. By not listening to this “message”, by overcoming the obstacles placed in front of me, I found fulfillment of other universal needs. I enjoyed friendship and a chance to enhance my creative skills.

                Now—journal about omens or signs from the universe that you are detecting in your recovery. If you have a slip, do you give that more power than it deserves? Do you feel that this is the universe telling you that you can’t get better? Write about these omens and your thoughts. My car wasn’t trying to stop me from getting where I needed to be. It just happened to breakdown. A comment, an action, a sign only has the power that you give it. Write about what power you’re giving away. Write about how to take it back.

                Write positive affirmations for yourself for when you hit up against some obstacles.

                Journal about how you interpret situations, do you give them more power because you bring unresolved feelings from past relationships into the present?

                Do you need to shore up some coping skills to get past these rocky spots? I was only able to continue on my trip once my car got towed and I got another vehicle. Sometimes you need help along the way. Journal about coping skills you can use and people you can turn to. Plan out how to get past the obstacle you’re facing or how to decrease its power the next time it rears its head.

Write On!   

Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.

               

               

POETRY AND NO APOLOGIES

The other weekend I was at a fabulous poetry retreat in the Poconos.  I used to write poetry, when my kids were young.  In those hectic days, I could barely grab time to put together any coherent writing. Poetry gave me a place to put down images, capture a metaphor, and feel creative. During this poetry weekend, it felt glorious to play with phrasing as if I were finger-painting. There were no expectations. We wrote, we shared and we cried when images from poems touched us.

Even without violating the—what happens in the Poconos, stays in the Poconos—agreement, I want to describe an important aspect of the retreat. Our leader, Molly, told us that we’d owe her five dollars if we apologized before reading our poems. None of—“this isn’t really that good”—or anything else. You wrote and you shared.

Each of us had to stop ourselves, or at least I know I did, from apologizing. It seems almost engrained--this tendency to apologize. We use it to create a space so that someone else won’t jump in with a disagreement or a criticism. If we already downplay our work, then we won’t be injured if someone else criticizes it. Yet, that isn’t true. It will still smart if someone puts down something that we’ve said. And by apologizing, we have already taken away our own power. We allow others to not take us and our ideas seriously.

                Think about how you operate in your life. Do you find yourself apologizing a lot? Do you put your thoughts, opinions, comments down even before you utter them. “This might be stupid, but…” It is as if people try to take away the sting of any potential criticism. If someone disagrees with them, it is easy to say, “Well, I thought it might be stupid.”

Journal about any phrases you use that either directly or indirectly disparages yourself. Even times that you compare yourself to someone else, “I don’t think I’m as good as you…”. You’re different. Everything is not black and white. Good or not good. It just is.

As you journal about these remarks that you make—try to understand where they came from. Did someone else criticize you so that you started to incorporate their words? Were you compared with others? Did you often feel that you came up as lacking?

As you write about these apologetic remarks, stay aware of how often they slip into your speech. Watch for them and weed them out.

Practice journaling your own opinions so that you can understand what you think and believe. If you’ve been trying to please others for a long time, it will be very difficult to disagree. So write to understand what you think about current events or about life. Start some sentences….I believe…and write what comes. Discover beliefs that you have been carrying around. Are they healthy beliefs? Or not? If they are beliefs that make you feel bad about yourself, then work to weed those out too.

If some tries to belittle you, set boundaries. If you can’t in the moment, then journal about it so that you have words in place the next time this happens. We need to limit others when they treat us badly or when we talk badly about ourselves.

Journal positive affirmations. You probably criticize yourself more than you even realize. Remind yourself that you are a unique and fabulous person. Because you are. We all are.

So, go Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.

INNER HURT

Many of my blogs have been inspired by my son. He has often voiced the hope that I could get inspired by someone else. So now it’s my daughter’s turn.

This fall has been a hard year for my daughter’s right leg. When she started field hockey, she suffered a bone bruise and was in a brace for a number of weeks. Right after she got out of the brace, she fell twice and banged her knee. Once again she was limping around.

At first we thought it was probably a bruise and that it would recover quickly. We used some ice and a wait and see attitude. A week later when she was still in pain and limping, our family started to evaluate the level of stress that she was under. Was stress from school taking a physical form?

We wrote a note to keep her out of gym while she recovered, although at the time we wondered why she was still in pain. Her gym teacher may have wondered too. She seemed to think that with a little encouragement, our daughter could participate and that once she was distracted, she would feel better. Many afternoons, my daughter came home frustrated because she has been told that her “team really needed her”. Encouragement had been offered that her team was in last place and didn’t she think she could help them out? My daughter was upset because she didn’t believe anyone understood the level of her discomfort.

After a trip to the orthopedist to evaluate the injury, my daughter was placed in a knee brace. Limping into school in the huge, white brace, suddenly there were no more questions about her ability to participate in gym.

This led me to reflect on illnesses especially when they are emotional without any physical evidence. Eating Disorders can fall into this category. Individuals may not show outward symptoms of their disorders, but can still be suffering significantly inside. When this is true, does it often happen that the pain and injury are not acknowledged because it is inner not outer hurt? Do people get cajoled and pushed into activities they aren’t ready for because caring individuals don’t see or understand the extent of the injuries?

So—

·         Are there times that people have downplayed your inner hurt? What was going on? How did it make you feel? Write about the situations and your feelings and thoughts. Don’t numb the feelings, put them to paper. Maybe then you’ll be able to close the book on them.

·         How did you respond if your inner hurt wasn’t acknowledged? Did you voice your feelings or bury them inside and add to your inner pain? Maybe use this additional hurt to fuel your eating disorder symptoms? Journal to understand how to best express your feelings so that you can use your voice instead of swallowing the pain.

Go, Write On!

Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.