Your Role by Tony Paulson

The process of separating yourself from the eating disorders starts with clearly identifying the two and understanding the differences. It’s important that you are able to see both in your day to day life.

Creating Separation from ED

The process of recovery involves creating separation from your eating disorder. This separation is created by engaging in behaviors that are more congruent with your soul. For example, being loving, kind and generous not only to others but to yourself. Conversely, creating separation also involves not engaging in eating disorder behaviors or behaviors associated with the eating disorder such as isolating yourself, entertaining negative thoughts that lead to negative behavior, being selfish or dishonesty.

Soul V ED

Full recovery means living a life that is congruent with your soul. As you do this your soul becomes stronger at the expense of your eating disorder to the point that your eating disorder can no longer survive.

Creating an environment of recovery

To recover from your eating disorder you need to create an environment in which engaging in your eating disorder is not possible. Your treatment team may be part of that environment but the most important component is your family, friends and loved ones. The combination of your treatment team and your family in a way that produces abstinence from your eating disorder is what you are looking for. Sounds easy but its hard because your eating disorder is going to try and convince you that you dont need the support or dont deserve. Dont fall into that trap!

The role of your support team

Imagine that you are at a large international airport and you realize that you are looking for gate 75 and you are at gate 2. As you begin the long trek to your where you are catching your flight you come across a long corridor that at the time seems endless. After an initial feel of dread you notice that the long corridor is equipped with a moving sidewalk. An escalator that transports you down the long corridor closer to your gate. As you step on the moving sidewalk you are relieved that the long walk to your gate wont be so long. As you stand there letting the moving sidewalk take you to where you need to me you notice people are yelling at you to get off the moving sidewalk. Imagine your family, friends, even your treatment team is frantically yelling at you to get off. You cannot imagine why they would want you to get off and beside that because of the railings you are not sure how you could get off.

 

What your family and support team see that you don’t see is that at the end of the moving sidewalk is death; death from an eating disorder. Yes, eating disorders are potentially fatal. Instead of the moving sidewalk being a convenience meant to take you to where you want to be, it is taking you to your premature death. Others see this but often those suffering from the disorder do not.

 

The job of your family and support team is to physically remove you from the moving sidewalk. What this translates to regarding the eating disorder is for them to do whatever they can to prevent you from engaging in behaviors related to your eating disorder. Once you are removed from the moving sidewalk they do what they can to prevent you from getting back on. Once separation from your eating disorder occurs they get in between you and the eating disorder.

A script to use when asking for help

Below is a script you might want to utilize when reaching out to others. Surrender to the help that exists in your life and be honest! You deserve and need the support.

Script

I have an eating disorder. Specifically, my eating disorder consists of (describe behaviors). I need your help. I cannot get better without help from others. Others like you. If I don’t get better the consequences include the loss of my life. 

I need your help not engaging in my eating disorder behavior. My recovery depends on stopping my eating disorder behavior. With support its more likely I will not engage in my behaviors.

For those who engage in binge and purging behavior your script may include:

There are times that I binge eat. This means I eat more than I intended. Afterward I intentionally make myself throw up (or whatever your eating disorder behavior is). I need you to be with me during meals and for at least 1 hour after each meal. With you there its very unlikely I will purge. Be careful not to let me out of your sight for that entire hour. I can be sneaky and left alone for any amount of time will give me an opportunity to engage in my eating disorder behaviors.

For those of you who struggle maintaining a healthy weight your script might include:

I have a hard eating enough food to maintain a health weight. The health consequences of this behavior include the possible loss of my life. I need for you to eat with me and make sure I am eating enough to maintain a healthy weight. I likely will be resistant to your help and I might try and trick you into believing I am eating enough. Please do not let my eating disorder trick you. Tell me if you think I am eating enough and encourage me to eat enough food to feed my body.

You Are Never Going to Want to Ask for Help

You are in a fight for life. Either you win or your eating disorder wins. Your eating disorder will do whatever it takes to win so be careful of its tricks and manipulations. Recovery happens when you surrender to the idea that you need help and that you cannot recover on your own. Your eating disorder knows that its chance of winning this war increases dramatically when you try to fight it alone. So it will try and convince you not to ask for help, to avoid support and go it alone. It will tell you that others are too busy, or asking for help would burden them unnecessarily.

 Yes, asking for help is a lot to ask but you are worth it. The people you ask to be on your support team will gladly do what you are asking especially if they know the consequences to you not getting better.

Surrender to the help that exists in your life and be honest!

Creating Conflict

What I mean by this is that one of the initial steps in recovery is creating conflict between what your brain wants and your behaviors. In other words your brain, because of its dependency on your eating disorder, wants you to engage in eating disorder behaviors and the task is not to comply. This conflict like most other conflicts does not feel good. Not many people enjoy conflict but conflict is a necessary part of recovery. The conflict is specifically between the wants of your brain and your behaviors

Its time to ask

This may seem like an overly simple statement but recovery does not happen until you stop the behaviors that are directly and indirectly related to your eating disorder. The entire process starts with your acceptance that you no longer wish to have an eating disorder as part of your life and that you alone cannot stop engaging in your eating disorder behaviors.

How do you go about stopping the behavior? Realize you need help. Surrender to the idea that you need someone to come into your life and prevent you from engaging in eating disorder behavior. Most people will not engage in eating disorder behavior in front of others so the more accountability you have to others the less likely you are going to binge, purge, skip a meal, etc.

Who in your life are you going to ask to be on your support team? The requirements to be part of this support team include a willingness to do whatever is necessary to prevent you from engaging in your eating disorder. That may mean sitting with you during meals, being with you after meals, being available to talk when the eating disorder is tormenting you, or even in some situations spending every moment of the day and night with you to insure you do not engage in your eating disorder. 

 

Your immediate response to this requirement likely is a strong “no way!” Often times people feel that others are not willing to help to this degree or they do not want to be a bother to them. This initial reaction or rejection of the idea that others need to be in the role of support in order for you to recover comes straight from the eating disorder. Remember, either you win this battle or the eating disorder wins. Because of this your eating disorder is willing to do whatever it takes to win. By keeping you away from a support team it increases its chance of winning dramatically.

 People in your life love you. Let them love you and help you recover from your eating disorder. Your death at the hands of the eating disorder would be devastating to them. Their lives would be forever impacted by losing you. Secondly, realize what it must be like for your family and those who care about you watching you struggle and feeling helpless to do anything about it. We naturally want to come to the aid of those we care about who are suffering but you have kept your family and friends on the sideling as observers. This is a battle you cannot win alone. Bring them off the sideline and let them join the battle. If the situation was reversed its likely you would be the first to come to the aid of someone struggling. Stop being hypocritical and let others help you- you deserve it!

Life is hard. Yes, I know thats not overly profound but maybe some days, some events are just going to be hard. ED is there to help with hard days but maybe that day was meant to be hard. No one wakes up in the morning hoping for a tough day but like everything it eventually passes and you are off to the next challenge in life. I am saying all of this because maybe next time you are having a hard day instead of immediately reaching for ED you can pause and realize life sometimes is really hard and what you are experiencing in that momoent will eventually pass even without ED.