Your Role by Tony Paulson

The "Salesman" Metaphor, Continued

In last week's post, I introduced readers to the notion of the "salesman" metaphor, which can help families understand the role of the eating disorder in their loved one's life. Below is the second installment of this post, pulled Why She Feels Fat (co-written with Johanna McShane, PhD).

 

Although it’s tempting to view him as such, the salesman isn’t a horrible, reprehensible creature. He is a sincere believer in the product he offers. And in fact, in his own way, he is assisting your loved one by helping her cope with her fears, insecurities, and lack of self-confidence. For this reason, while it’s easy to vilify her eating disorder, it’s important not to do so. The relationship between your loved one and her illness is complicated. She really does experience it as a friend. Her main focus is on how much it helps her and how consistent and reliable it is.

It will never let me know. It’s always there for me.

It won’t ever surprise me.

I know how it behaves, and what it wants from me. It has rules and as long as I follow the rules, I get the benefits.

I do what it says. And it does what it promises.

Not surprisingly, your loved one’s relationship with the anorexia or bulimia (the “salesman”) takes a lot of time and energy. As she relies more and more on that relationship to feel good, she will begin to withdraw from her relationships with other people. She may still participate in some activities, but her friendships and connections to family members will become increasingly superficial. Eventually she will no longer have the time, energy, or even the desire to be with people or to be social in any way, spending the majority of her time alone.

This is how the eating disorder turns into her primary, if not sole, relationship. Again, try not to take this personally. It has nothing to do with how much she cares about you. She’s not withdrawing because she’s annoyed with you or doesn’t love you. It’s that the eating disorder demands her complete attention and “loyalty.” For this reason, a key component of recovery is to carefully examine the relationship with the “salesman,” which ultimately will result in strengthening her connections with other people and with her healthy self.

Helping Families Understand Eating Disorders: The “Salesman” Metaphor

Loved ones often find eating disorders difficult to understand and accept. There is nothing more difficult than watching a loved one struggle with illness, particularly an illness that takes control of the mind as well as the body and causes extreme disturbances in an individual’s behaviors and feelings. Often times, the use of metaphor can help treatment professionals explain the eating disorder and communicate the role of the illness in their loved one’s life. Below is an excerpt from Why She Feels Fat, a book that I co-wrote with Johanna McShane, PhD, which explores the “salesman” metaphor.

Your loved one sees danger in many places. Life is neither fun nor safe, and her fears can be paralyzing. She is afraid of losing control of her emotions and of getting hurt in relationships. She is afraid and exhausted by her own thoughts. Something has to happen…and then it does. She discovers the safety and predictability of a relationship with food.

To conceptualize this process and why your loved one doesn’t resist its onset, we find it helpful to imagine the eating disorders as a “salesman.” Although having an eating disorder is a personal and internal experience, visualizing it as a separate entity can be useful for the purposes of clarity and understanding.

Imagine this salesman recognizes that your loved one is in desperate need of a way to cope with her life. This particular type of salesman happens to have a “product” that bolsters feelings of confidence, power and invulnerability. He knows he has just what she’s looking for and offers her a deal she can’t resist.

In return for minor changes in her behavior, such as eating less fat or no sugar, or exercising an hour everyday, he’ll help her feel terrific. She doesn’t think he’s asking too much of her, so she unwittingly accepts. In the early stages of the agreement, you might not notice any changes; it may appear that your loved one is just trying to eat in a healthy way or lose a little weight. In fact, at this point, she herself might not feel different, believing she’s only making minor adjustments to her lifestyle.

Soon though, the salesman returns to demand more: If she wants to continue to receive the benefits he offers, she must make increasingly dramatic changes to her food and/or exercise behaviors. And each time he returns, she agrees to whatever he commands her to do. The result is that the eating disorder becomes more and more entrenched in her life and begins to exact a greater and greater toll. Over time, her dependence upon the food and exercise-related behaviors escalates to a point where she becomes exceedingly resistant to letting them go, largely because she believes she can’t without suffering dire consequences.

"It’s the only thing I can trust. It helps me deal with all my [stuff]. It has never let me down, it has never lied to me. I mean, what else could you ask for?"

Read more about the "salesman" metaphor next week.

Treatment

I believe recovery is most likely when you combine family support with treatment in a way that prevents you from engaging in your ed and encourages you to develop other ways of managing and coping with life.

Approaching recovery one step at a time

What's your plan for recovery? Do you have one? I have talked to many people suffering from eating disorders who want recovery but have no idea how they are going to get there. Often times I hear from them that they are in treatment and somehow this will lead to the end result of recovery. Not sure if this is the best approach versus working with your treatment team and developing a plan for recovery. What to include in that plan may differ from person to person but consider the following:

1. How are you going to stop your ED behaviors? Who will be on your support team and what role will they have in helping you stop your ED behaviors?

2. How will you cope with life struggles withour your eating disorder? In other words what alternative will you have to ED?

3. How will you maintain your recovery?

I believe having a plan in place addressing these issues will help you stay focused on building your recovery.

Part of recovery involves being mindful of behaviors that feed your sould versus behaviors that feed your eating disorder. As you go through the holidays pay attention to your behaviors and choose those that feed your soul. With daily practice you will get better at this and it will eventually become second nature.

Keep feeding your soul

To feed your soul and to create separation from your eating disorder you need engage in behaviors that are reflective of your soul. This entails becoming mindful of your actions and to recognize when you are engaged in soulful behaviors. These behaviors are toward others as well as toward yourself. Think about a well that is never replenished. People constantly come and take from well which will eventually lead to an empty well. An empty well is of no use to anyone. Now imagine that same well that is connected to an endless supply of water. When someone takes from well the water level does not change. The well becomes an endless support of water for anyone who may be thirsty. You are the well. Through kindness, generosity and love you will enhance your own life and in turn have the opportunity to enhance the lives of others.  

What are the characteristics most associated with your eating disorder and how do they get expressed in your day to day life? How are they consistent or inconsistent with your values?

Soul versus ED

Each time you engage in behavior that if reflective of your soul it becomes stronger at the expense of the eating disorder. Conversely, each time you engage in behavior that is reflective of your eating disorder whether it is direct eating disorder behavior or not it strengthens your eating disorder at the expense of your soul. Recovery starts when you stop feeding your eating disorder and start feeding your soul. What are some behaviors that reflect your soul versus refelct your eating disorder.

Convictions

Convictions are strongly held beliefs. They are the rules you attempt to live your life by. Convictions are direct reflections of your soul. When you are aware of your convictions and are living a life that if consistent with them you are feeding your soul. How do your convictions compare to what is importanct to your eating disorder?

Your eating disorder is dependent on you. Without the connection it has with you it cannot survive. Consequently as you create separation it slowly withers away until it is no longer there.