Walking the line

(Photo by Flickr)

You can walk that line. You can walk it for a very long time. You know the line, the one that keeps one foot in your eating disorder and one foot in recovery. I have seen people go years on that line. It is what I like to call a "high functioning eating disorder." It is dangerous. It is dangerous because the people around you see that you are working, that you socialize, that you appear happy.

They don't see that you keep ED in your back pocket.
Just in case.
Just in case life get's hard.
Just in case you get too stressed.

And, you can even walk the line while in treatment. Barely doing what you need to do just to get by.

I have walked this line too, and with my acting experience it was easy for me to "play well." I could pretend, put on the happy face, and appease those watching.

The reality is you can do this for the rest of your life.

But WHY?

Why would you want to only experience the edges of life, to only experience part of relationships, to only reach the edge of your dreams. I promise you, if you keep ED in your back pocket you will never FULLY experience the colorful, beautiful and sometimes painful thing called Life.

Do you want to get to the end of your life and say, "Well I just got by."
If you keep ED in your back pocket for just in case, you will just get by. Real recovery comes from fully surrendering. From fully saying, "I will do whatever it takes to do this." Then, listening to the experts (ie; your treatment team) and doing what they tell you to do. Without full surrender, without finally admitting you are powerless to your addiction, you will continue to walk the line. You will continue to play the game and continue to live life on the edges.

Ask yourself;
1. Am I walking the line?
2. Am I keeping ED in my back pocket for just in case?
3. Do I think I can just "do better" instead of listening to those who are advising me?
4. Am I afraid of these words, "ED not an option!"

Ask yourself those questions and even talk to your therapist about it. The ONLY way to stop walking the line, is to step off of it. Step off into the side of recovery. This is only done through FULL surrender and admitting powerlessness. Then reaching out for help. Stepping over the line is worth it! I would never step back. But, ultimately the choice is YOURS.

What are you going to do?

Lee

Comments

[Lauraglaura@gmail.com]

Yes, I know the line. Recently, my therapist told me to write about the progress I've made and articulate it on a continuum. It proved very helpful. I wrote in categories (progress in terms of calorie counting, in terms of body checkin, in terms of timing of eating, in terms of fear food, in terms of.... etc.) I never understood why my treatment team was so adamant that I work to lessen/give up calorie counting (If I am able to eat the minimum required, who cares if I also calorie count while I do it?). I never understood why my treatment team wanted me to try eating fear foods (who cares if I can eat the fear foods or not if there are plenty of non-fear foods around that I can eat instead? I can still be happy and avoid eating x, y, and z. I can still be happy and count calories, right?) But, writing about my progress on a continuum made me realized that, while not many things are "all-or-nothing," recovery is, in fact, all-or-nothing. I realized I cannot hang onto these lingering behaviors because of the effect they have. Writing out my progress on a continuum made me realize that these lingering behaviors are usually what end up causing unpleasant slips, miserable moments, etc. I finally saw the connection between keeping one foot in the ED and the fact that I can't quite manage to be the person I can/want to be.

Thanks for this post!

[Katie]

Just reading through your blog for the first time and this is ane excellent post that really hits home. I couldn't agree with it more. Too many of us want to get better more than anything, but always want to keep Ed "just in case".