Lies...

On Father’s Day a couple weeks ago I spent a great deal of time talking to a dear friend’s father who we’ll call Mike (to protect his identity). This man has a daughter in-law who is struggling with an eating disorder. She has, in his words, been “confronted, talked to, and threatened, and yet she still continues to lie and do what she wants!” he said angrily.

I looked into his downturned eyes, so wanting to help; to explain so he could understand.

This conversation happens frequently in the work I do, and it happened frequently in my own life when I was in an abusive relationship with Ed (eating disorder).

For me the eating disorder was what I needed to not feel. It was the drug I took to keep a happy face, make others happy and not make waves. I would do anything to protect Ed, who in my eyes was the only thing that could protect me.

The dichotomy was that growing up I ALWAYS got caught in lies. ALWAYS. Yet, when I was in relationship with Ed, he convinced me to lie daily about what I ate, how long I exercised, and any other thing that would protect my addiction. In my relationship with Chris (my boyfriend at the time)  Ed made things very difficult. I was very open with him in the beginning of our relationship because I thought I was on the road to recovery. But, as we got closer I became more afraid and to me the only thing I had was my eating disorder. So I began to protect it…with lies.

The lies gave my eating disorder more power because it was in the secret keeping that Ed could take me deeper. And the shame I felt about lying made me feel unworthy of  love.

The battling in my head was exhausting! I didn’t want to lie! But, yet I would still lie! So what advice did I give Mike?

I told him to confront his daughter-in-law every time he felt she was not telling the truth. In order to do this, he needed to learn to separate Ed and his daughter-in-law. This is the only way to fight Ed. When Chris would say to me, “I love you, but I hate your eating disorder,” it would send Ed out of the room.

An eating disorder is like having a third person in all the relationships, with family, with friends, and with your partner. So support people need not ignore the elephant in the room…but call it what it is! Say it out loud!
“We love you ____…and we hate Ed.” Then get in the army and fight Ed.

You see, the one struggling with Ed CANNOT fight Ed alone. Have you ever known someone in an abusive relationship? Many times they can’t see what we see. It is the same with Ed. The person in relationship with the eating disorder can’t see what loved ones see. And if everyone walks around not talking about it, then how will they ever know?

So, I encouraged Mike and his wife to get real with his daughter in law. To get in the battle with her. They love her deeply and care about her not because she is their son’s daughter, but because they consider her part of the family. When the conversation first started, Mike was angry. He was thinking that she was a liar and a fake. But, as we talked he realized that yes, she needs to be accountable for her actions AND she is really in a battle with an abusive lover (not her husband…the EATING DISORDER).

It has taken me years to recover the trust that Ed stole from me, from Chris, my family and my friends. I am more vigilant now more than ever to be honest to Chris, to my family and to God. Ed does not get a foothold that way, there is no room for him to sneak in.

The sooner this happens (calling Ed out), the sooner the elephant in the room is talked about openly in a loving non-confrontative accusing way, the sooner Ed will loose some of his power. Of course this is only one piece in the puzzle of recovery, but if you are worried about someone you love…get your head in the game and keep loving them and help them fight to get ED out!

Lee

Comments

[Laura]

So many lies...

Lied about what I ate
Lied about how long I exercised or if I exercised at all.
Lied about what the doctor said.
Lied about my plans for the day.
Lied to my doctors, my family, my friends.

One time, a friend told me that she felt like she was the only one (out of the two of us) who hated my eating disorder.

One time, a friend told me that if she couldn't see through the eating disorder lies then she would have thought that I didn't like her. I'm so grateful she was able to separate me from the eating disorder.

The worst, though, is when people believe the lies (or at least appear to). Because then there's no one to initiate the fight against the eating disorder.

[Amanda]

This was a great article Lee. You are an inspiration, and it helps to know that relationships can fight through an eating disorder.

[Alyssa]

I finally decided a couple of months ago to open up to friends and family, as you and many others have advised me to do in the past. It is defiantly a lot harder than I thought it would be. Because I have been untruthful for so many years it is still very hard for them to believe me. This is incredibly frustrating because I am now doing very well and could use a pat on the back but they still get angry as if I were being deceitful. I don’t blame them as all of my lies throughout the years have come to the surface relatively quickly. Because of this I have to make an even bigger effort to be truthful with everything and back my words with actions.

[Laura]

I used to get mad that I was watched so carefully. They had learned not to believe me, so I was watched instead. Even at times I was being truthful, I was still being watched. I felt so insulted until I realized that this is what happens when you've had and ED and people care about your well being. So, I have to live with being watched for a while. And I guess that's fine. I mean, if I were my own family member or friend, I'd still be watching (not believing) too.

[Jamie]

I connected so much with this article. I can relate to the others who have left comments before me, in that once you get the courage to admitt your problem with ED to someone you love and trust, they tend to lose a little trust in you. My boyfriend cannot understand my ED, and whenever I confess to him that yet again I "had a bad day," he is so dissappointed in me. It doesn't help my problems at all when someone you love so much hates your ED just as much as you. Hopefully soon I will get the courage to seek help from a professional, one who will understand instead of be dissappointed.