Letters

I am writing a book called "True Companion." The book tells the story from both my perspective and my husband's perspective of Ed. We were dating when I was deep in my struggle with an eating disorder.

The other day I was sorting through a box of his letters, attempting to find my letters to him deep within the pile of love letters. I was finally at the end of the crumpled mess of paper when I found four small sheets of white paper.

He wasn't sure if he had saved it. 

He said he couldn't remember if he had. 

He did. And here it was.

These were the letters I left to my friends and family when I felt like giving up. I slowly unfolded the paper and read the dark words. Words written from my own hands while I was suffocating in darkness. Above me, the sounds of my three boys crashing monster trucks into the wall echoes through the walls. 

Now ...All I could think about was this...I would have missed this.

Later that evening I sobbed tears of joy as my husband of 13 years held me in his arms. I was telling him of the letters and both of us cried. Tears of unexplainable grace. Tears of love. 

I am telling you this because I want you to know there IS HOPE!! Lately I have been feeling despondent. Frustrated by those trapped in their eating disorders and feeling hopeless about their recovery. I can get sucked in; as well to thinking there isn't any hope. 

But, I know PERSONALLY that there is! People do come out of the darkness. People CAN live life on the other side of it. I am a living example that it CAN happen. The joy of hearing my children laugh, feeling their hugs, or looking into their eyes...is a daily reminder of this hope. And every day I am struck by the thought that I would have missed this! All of it! 

Had I stayed in the darkness of Ed I would have missed the real roller coaster of life. And I am beyond grateful that I got a second chance. So, I urge you...if you are trapped in that dark pit. Reach out, ask for help, and be HONEST about your struggles. And believe what I am saying...that there is hope. It starts with taking that first step out of the pit. And you get there ONE STEP AT A TIME!! 

It is possible dear friends. It IS possible! 

Comments

[L]

Lee, I'm so happy you found your way out of the darkness. So true that you just have to go one step at a time. Beginning each step is so hard but (in my experience), carrying out each step is never actually as hard as the idea of doing so is. At times, I didn't feel worthy of doing any steps that would lead to being pulled out of the depths of an eating disorder, but when the steps are small and bite-sized, I was able to do one of them at a time - and it made all the difference. And most of the time the steps aren't large huge things - they're simple things that have to do with taking care of yourself. I think I had a turning point once that started with one seemingly very small irrelevant step, but it wasn't. that one step was washing the sheets on my bed, making my bed with clean and warm sheets and lots of pillows, and slipping into the bed that night - feeling a little pampered :) That was one small step of self-care that led to others.

[bambi413]

Thank you for sharing such a powerful moment. Im so glad you are still here today to share it with us.

[caloriesdonthavefangs]

Thank you so much for your positive and encouraging message. I'm dealing with anorexia right now, and it is so so hard to get through every day. Your message brings a lot of hope.

[air jordan 13]

Studies this matter, lacks the time, but is lacks diligently#.

[ugg shoes]

Oh I do hope to visit some day! What a great place to work!