For families and support people of those struggling with an Eating Disorder
The holidays can be extremely difficult for those with eating disorders. It can also be stressful and worrisome for family members of those struggling.
Here are a few things I highly recommend doing so you can make Thanksgiving (or any Holiday) relaxing:
DO Have a discussion now with the person in your life battling Ed. Ask them what they are worried about, what brings them anxiety during holidays, and what kind of thoughts they are having. Don’t fix…just listen and the repeat back with, “I hear you saying that…”
DO Ask what you can do to help. Bring a piece of paper and pen and write down a few tools that you decide on together that YOU can do to help the person struggling.
DO stay away from conversations about how the person looks! For example; when you say to someone struggling “you look healthy,” the person struggling interprets it as “I look fat!” I know it doesn’t make sense to some, but that is usually how it is interpreted for someone struggling with an ED. You are better off not diving into those kinds of conversations.
DO agree on strategies that will create a relaxing day for everyone. Examples are: Ask them to show you their meal plan (if they are willing) and discuss ahead of time what foods fit into that plan. Agree on some sort of code word during the day (This works great for husbands!) You can ask them; “on a scale of 1-10 how strong is your eating disorder right now?” Come up with “Exit Strategies” or a “Tool Box” with things you can do to help the person if they are a 6 or higher.
DO try (subtly) to not let the entire day be about food. Do something else together as a family. Play a game, watch a holiday movie, or take a walk...something other than standing in the kitchen or sitting at the table all day.
**It helps if there is a scheduled time when the meal will be served, so your loved one can plan their meals accordingly.
**If you are the spouse of someone struggling and you are visiting family for the day, set a time limit for how long you plan on being there. Stick to that plan.
DON’T Please…don’t partake in the very common habit of the family skipping meals all day and waiting until Thanksgiving meal is served to finally eat. Then the family sits around discussing “how full” everyone is. For those who binge this becomes very very difficult.
**Everyone should eat breakfast, eat lunch, and plan on your T-giving being dinner. There is no reason T-giving needs to be an all out time for American Binge session. And if you have someone with an eating disorder in the family it makes it even more difficult. Of course, you can’t control Grandma Betty who talks about food all the time and eats too much at dinner. But, those of you acting as a support person for the one struggling, what do you have to lose by being a little more flexible with what you eat during the day and with your choice of conversations during the day??
DON’T let Ed control the holiday (easier said than done), but the eating disorder can easily ruin everyone else’s holiday too!
DON’T tell the family to not talk about food or exercise…etc. Although it is helpful to talk about other things, there is no reason the family should walk on eggshells either. But, if you notice the conversation heading South…a little redirection can be helpful! (see my post about walking on eggshells).
DON’T comment on what he/she is or is not eating during a large family gathering. If you notice they aren’t sticking with the meal plan you, address it after the meal in private.
DON’T forget to enjoy the day and take care of YOURSELF too. Remember, that you can’t help anyone unless you are taking care of yourself too. When the plane is crashing, the mother is told to take the oxygen first BEFORE she can help her child. Please take care of you TOO!
And finally, I write all of this with the final line being…some of it might work, some of it might not work, but it can’t hurt to try some of these!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Lee
