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November 09, 2011

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wendy

Laura R, when i developed anorexia in high school that was once of my strongest beliefs. I can remember thinking and even saying that I didn't want to grow up. Its wierd, because at the same time I was assuming a lot of adult responsibilities that weren't mine to assume! What your wrote makes a lot of sense!

Laura

Laura R - Sounds like a good session and like you're onto something important. Keep up the brave work!

Also, thank you for asking about my friend and I. My friend is hanging in there, but I promised my T and my psychiatrist and my RD that I would stop sending encouraging texts to my friend all day long and I promised I would stop having these lengthy conversations with her all day because I'm "too enmeshed." My T did help me though by saying, "Laura, we can't save everyone. FRIEND may die, may keep slipping, and you will grieve, and you will deal with it, and you will also keep living and go on to become a great therapist, and continue on to have a family and to develop your own life." That was helpful to hear.


As for me... I'm frustrated right now. I feel so recovered in so many ways, but my weight is not cooperating. To try to give me a reality check, my team told me my weight b/c I wasn't taking them seriously when they told me my weight was slipping. I was pretty freaked out when I heard my weight, and I don't know how this happened. My team called my former residential place and my former php and iop place, and I've gotten all kinds of phone calls lately from a giant network of professionals basically saying, "WTF, Laura! You have to maintain your discharge weight. This is not okay!" It's frustrating b/c I'm so sick of being on everyone's "red alert list" permanently. I am frustrated b/c I truly don't feel eating disordered and I really feel like I'm not even restricting... My T is telling me about how we all have the responsibility to eat up to our metabolism, which is an individual thing. My T and psychiatrist and RD are all telling me that my body is still in refeeding mode (i swear it's been here for foreeeever) and I have to be patient with it and just accept that it needs more than someone not in refeeding mode. So, I don't "feel" eating disordered - so that's good. It just stinks that now i'm on the "red alert list" again. My parents of course are glad b/c it means my "red alert system" is working... Anyway, I'm willing to gain weight and I will. Now that I know my weight, I'm totally on board with gaining some back... it just stinks that i have to do this AGAIN. But, I have to b/c otherwise, I'm too close to Danger Brain Will Go Crazy zone.... I wish I could just press a button and be at my proper weight. So, I'm doing good but pretty bummed that i'm back on the red alert gain weight list.... especially when I don't even know how I got there in the first place. I swear I didn't restrict....

courtney

Laura. i heard you complaining a lot about this red alert list thing in your last post. Maybe you should be thankful to have so many people care enough about you to make a big deal about you. Not everyone had people who make a big deal about them.

Laura

That's a really really good point, Courtney. Thank you for reminding me to be grateful. That's such a great perspective. Good point, and point taken!

Laura

Also, I'm sorry for being so thoughtless and inconsiderate. I was worked up in the moment and bitter about *still* being an "ED patient,* but no excuses...

Laura R

Laura - At the same time that I see Courtney's important point about being thankful, I can also understand why being on the "red alert" list would be really frustrating. Especially because you were doing all the right things. I know having people trust you and acknowledge that you are an independent adult has been something that you have been longing for as part of your recovery. I think you have been doing an awesome job in your recovery with all your new experiences and you have been showing all of us that you are a responsible adult. I believe you when you say you didn't restrict. Maybe this is just your body's way of trying to compensate for all the new activities you've worked in to your life. Way to go for being "totally on board with gaining some back". BTW - I love your idea about the push button :) I'll take one too!

Laura R

Laura - I forgot to ask..."refeeding mode"...is that when your body is still trying to get healthy and your metabolism is fluctuating? Since I haven't been in any type of treatment program I am still not up on all the terms. One thing that RD keeps telling me is that I am not yet at the bottom of the BMI for my height. I thought BMI was not a very accurate way of targeting weight. I keep hearing about IBW but don't know how the two compare. Maybe it doesn't matter and I just need to stay focused on eating right? Every time I go into the hubby's bathroom I have to by-pass his scale (I put mine away a long time ago) and usually it doesn't bother me but today I thought about using it for a mere second. Then I thought about how ashamed I'd when when I had to tell you guys!

Traci

I haven't written in awhile, because I feel like I am always long-winded and way too negative . . . but I was thinking about everyone here and all the amazing support I get here - so I'm sending some virtual (((HUGS))) to everyone - love you guys and so greatly appreciate your honesty and wisdom.

Laura R

Traci - I want to hear how you are regardless of whether it's positive or negative. I always learn from you. I care how you are.

Ann

Hi all, feel like I need to check in. Life has been crazy busy and I feel like there's never enough time in the day.

Johanna, thank you for answering my question!! I found it very helpful. I do have follow-up questions, but too tired to ask tonight.

I hope everyone takes a moment tomorrow to breathe and notice the beauty of the world around us..

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