Shells, you're so funny... There's definitely a Mad Props Award. And great idea to bestow it upon Laura yesterday.
The ways relationships change and evolve along with someone's recovery is so important to talk about. And surprisingly, I find it doesn't get talked about enough- in families, with friends, romantic partners, employers... whoever...
We should predict these evolutions in relationship- just as we predict evolutions in any relationship over time. If you have kids, or are around kids, you know well that the relationship between you and the kid changes and evolves pretty much continually as the kid grows.
Those changes are not always easy to get used to- and some require more adjustment than others.
Here's an example of just one of these types of changes/evolutions: a friend of mine told me the other day that her 8 year old son had informed her that morning that she was no longer "allowed" to kiss him at school, and that he was grown up enough for her to walk him only to the school gate instead of all the way to his classroom. As far as my friend was concerned, this was WAY too early to have to be giving up the "have a good day at school" kiss, but she did understand that he is experimenting with being more independent and more grown up, and that, if fact, this was an important phase in his development.
They made a compromise: she would kiss him before they left the house (and he said she could kiss him "a million" times at that point) and she'd walk him to a place by the gate where she could see he'd get all the way into school. This way, he gets to try out some more independence and she gets to know for sure that he's made it safely into school.
This is a change in logistics AND an evolution in the relationship between mommy and son. And this change was no doubt easier for the son than for the mommy! It's been about a week now, and it sounds like both mommy and 8 year old boy have adjusted quite well.
One of the things that makes a change like this hard on the mommy is that she doesn't know exactly what her son is thinking. Is he pushing for this change because he's truly ready for the experiment? Does he feel he needs to do this only because other 2nd graders are walking by themselves? What's his motivation? Should the mommy take him at his word and let him try this out, or say no, because he doesn't really want to get to try it?
The son in this example really did want to make this change, and apparently had been thinking about it for awhile. But the change seemed a bit sudden and out of the blue to the mommy.
Laura, this may be how your parents and/or friends feel.
They have been with you for the duration of your treatment and recovery- but they haven't, of course, been present for every thought, change, feeling, or experiment that you've had along the way. How could they, right? They couldn't.
So, you may need to talk to them about how much has changed, and that it's normal for all the relationships to evolve (and to have growing pains along with that, since evolution isn't always easy), and that, in fact, this is all a sign of great progress! It's easy for people in the life of the sufferer to get a little fixated back at the point where things were really scary, and to have trouble learning to believe that things really, honestly have changed.
And try to be a bit patient with loved ones about this kind of thing- especially if they haven't been directly involved in your treatment. I mean, think about it, you may have been intensely involved in working on yourself for awhile, thinking about recovery and practicing recovery 24/7. Unless they've been involved in their own work along the way, they may not have an understanding of what happens as we humans change and evolve. You can help them by talking to them, by predicting that evolution occurs and isn't a bad thing (remember our Bumper Sticker- Different Doesn't Necessarily Mean Bad).
It's worth paying attention to these evolutions in all our relationships. Relationships with clinicians evolve over time also. I'm working with someone right now where the relationship is evolving as she gets stronger, and she has lots and lots of growing pains about this- she keeps thinking she's falling apart, when really what's happening is that her relationship with me is changing- she doesn't need me in the same way as she did a year or so ago because she's in stronger relationship with herself- but she hasn't quite gotten used to this idea yet and there's quite a bit of panicking these days. She'll get adjusted to it, and she and I will proceed. It's an adjustment for me too- we just cut the frequency of her therapy down because she was ready for that. But now I don't get to talk to her as often! We both have to adjust. And we will.
Ahh, evolution... it's that old "flower pushing out of the ground" thing... not always easy... but doable, and important :)
Johanna, thank you for this post. I guess patience, time, and communication will help the evolution being a little less painful.
I do understand friends/families fears. What's hard about this is that my development of self and sense of self is increasing at the same time that my weight is decreasing. It's hard for my friends/families to trust that I'm just "evolving" and not lying/hiding when I'm also put on "gain" again and just increased frequency of sessions until I restore my weight. My body has slipped (which, true, does cause some mental slippage and is super triggering), but it was an accident. I followed my mp like 98% and my body still has been slipping over the past few weeks. I haven't recovered the slip yet because I don't want to eat over my old meal plan consistently - which is just making the slip worse and worse. And, somehow, my old meal plan isn't enough anymore. I just thought these metabolic issues were over... guess not. I feel like I want to individuate in a lot of my relationships, but people (mostly parents) want to stop that from happening (partly and also partly want me grown up and out of their life) because they're scared the ED will sneak back in and steal their daughter away again. It's hard to reassure them when they can see my weight changing.
This is why I feel guilty. And I feel fearful that people around me will think I'm lying. I'm telling my famly that I'm stable enough to do X or Y in my life and they're worried. I tell my T that I am eating everything and she says "I know, but your body isn't acting like it." She also says, "This isn't a game. You don't get to just not gain the weight back. You have to. and if you can't do that in the next few weeks, I'm afraid you're going to end up in a program again." I feel like it's my fault somehow. She told me not to blame myself and that it's not my fault... but still... it's freaking triggering and it makes me so tired of this. I really thought I was at a stage in recovery where I was comfortable eating my mp, adding on some, and I was on a sloooow path to intutive eating. And now - wham - suddenly I'm supposed to be increasing my mp, stabalizing my weight again, etc. I feel singled out and like this is unfair. I was telling my T today that I don't even know how this happened... like I hardly restricted! And my mp is already pretty high so why does my body act like this even when i cut back a little? She just told me that EDs are super sneaky and even when you're doing well for a long time, at this stage, and with my history, you just don't know what to expect and you ahve to always be watching. But, it's worth it, and I'm sure i'll learn something good in all of this.
that was off topic... kidn of. it realtes to how my own food/body situation is kind of undermining all my arguments to my parents/friends about my being ok and able to handle life. They say "I'm worried," And I want to say, "I'm ok now though. I understand why you're worried, but i'm okay now." Ecept, when I say that, they're like "really? you're okay? then why is your weight changing?" And that is jus tsuch a let down to me b/c I feel like it's not my fault that htat's happening. but i guess it is my fault if it keeps happening, and i have to come to terms with my body's new needs. (I always eat with my T when I see her - every session - but today she surprised me with a normal snack + extra stuff + a caloric drink.... my response was "this is a snack. not thanksgiving lol" her response was "humor is important, but this is not something to laugh about righ tnow." ooook. yes maam.
i guess i'm just disappointed.
i just want to be farther along than i am.
i am a lot farther along than i was.
but i want to be even farther than i am.
i want to be past the weight part of this.
you knwo what though? at least i have an awesome team. lots of people don't. and i've had to gain weight before without a team... adn that SUCKS and is chaotic and messy and scary and... at least it's not like that anymore.
i'll be grateful for what i have.
Wendy, thanks for your comment on the last post. i look up to you so much, and what you said was helpful. Also, it's really comforting - REALLY COMFORTING - to hear that you have gone through this metabolism thing too. and that you, too, found it triggering. seriously. i feel singled out in this... it helps to know you've been here.
thanks for letting me post my long winded hopefully not too triggering ramble.
Posted by: Laura | May 25, 2011 at 11:39 AM
Johanna - I am finding what you say re relationships to be true. Especially in terms of my hubby. He sees a lot of the angst but doesn't often hear from me about the small steps forward or the plans for trying to address the issues. He seems to get less fearful if I continue to give him reports after each of my appts w/RD, T and MD and explain next steps. When I don't do that he gets into the "you didn't eat enough - have another serving" mode which only makes me not want to eat more even if I'm still hungry. I am hoping that as things progress and I have a more solid team that he will get more comfortable and need a little less reporting in. He feels very helpless right now and wonders often if his opinions or suggestions "count".
Speaking of team - I saw my MD this morning and she has talked to my RD. They seems to be in favor of me seeking out and seeing a psychiatrist and an ED therapist. I made an appt with a psychiatrist to talk about meds and anxiety a couple of weeks from now. I haven't gotten email responses from any of the ED Ts. So today before I leave work I must leave some voice mails.
Laura - I just ran into the metabolism road block for the first time when I saw my RD on Sunday. The thing that shocked me is that I only gained a little bit (we are talking a very tiny amount)about three weeks ago and I'm eating more now than ever and the numbers haven't moved for two weeks. My RD talked to me about ideas for where we can fit in more. My reaction was "but I am eating my meal plan - why are you doing this to me". She tried to explain but I'm still confused and a little resistant as I feel like it's a stretch to continue what I'm doing let alone add. I show up at just about every work meeting w/food (I'm a VERY slow eater so it takes me a while to get through each meal/snack). I guess I need to tell myself it won't be like this forever.
Posted by: Laura R. | May 25, 2011 at 12:32 PM
Laura R, things with your hubby remind me of things with my roommates. I used to have a roommate who wanted to check my lunchbox everyday when I came home from work to see if the food was gone. She also wanted me to report to her every day if I ate everything. At that point, I saw how upset my ED made her, so I was willing to report to her, summarize appointments from her, etc. This went well... unless I didn't report "good news" to her. Then she didn't know how to handle it. We had to do a lot of open communication to handle this. She really did have a limit on how much she could handle knowing - otherwise she would crumble emotionally. I think it's cool that you summarize your appointments to your husband. I think that's very considerate of you and probably gives you the best shot at the quickest recovery too.
Laura R, the metabolism thing won't last forever. promise. I have gone through phases of it... but i thought my body physicallyr ecovered and was chill again... but i appear to be in another bout of it. so i guess it requires patience... but i am positive it won't last forever. Another thing, though, is that we have to own up to what our body needs - even if we don't understand how it can possibly need this much, it needs what it needs and that's that. After what we put our bodies through, we owe our cells all the nutrients they want, right?
Also, good job on increasing your intake. I'm impressed. You're one strong woman!
Posted by: Laura | May 25, 2011 at 12:44 PM
haha - as I posted that I jut got another e-mail from my RD. "Hi Laura, I'm glad your checking in after every meal/snack. I'd like to increase your mp again, but I don't want to wait until our next session to do it. Please add on X as a 4th snack every day." haha... this whole situation is just becoming too humorous to be true. Wasn't I done with meal plan add ons? for serious!
Posted by: Laura | May 25, 2011 at 12:46 PM
i'm in a really goofy mood... and i kind of feel like plugging my ears and closing my eyes and saying "blah blah blah blah i can't hear you" while people talk to me about my mp - haha. i should just really annoy my team and keep saying "what? what eating disorder?" to them. jk jk jk... i just responded to my RD and said, "wow, thank you, that was helpful. ok, i just ate X like you asked and will eat the rest of my mp as normal today. i'll keep eating X between lunch and snack everyday until our session." (i swear this e-mail seh sent me was a result of my T calling her. I get weighed by T too.)
ok
ready.....
set......
GO BE PRODUCTIVEEEE
(what meal plan? what eating disorder? hah... cracking myself up here. anyone wanna come play hookie from work and hang out with me. we could have a meal plan picnic! or go jump on trampolines. that'd def be fun!)
Posted by: Laura | May 25, 2011 at 01:01 PM
I would love to comment more on the post and on the comments, but I have to say right now is that Laura, I would love to meal plan picnic with you, jump on trampolines, and then re-fuel appropriately from all the jumping (you KNOW we'd have to, admit it, and we'd be stronger the next day because of it).
I am pretty sure that 98% MP is not "fine" in residential... Right? 100% is what our bodies NEED just to SURVIVE. Someone remind me of this in about a week.
And parental relationships... That's going to be a series of interesting conversations for me and my parents, I think.
Posted by: Shells | May 25, 2011 at 01:37 PM
Shells, true, I was in residential and 98% def wouldn't ahve been acceptable.... you got me! ok ok ok... but for the record i have actually increased my meal plan today! true, i had my morning feast with my Threapist and my add on snack came as a result of an email from the RD.... but still. My T promises me that once I start eating more, my thoughts will be less resistant and questioning, and it'll all make sense in hindsight. i know she's right.
But shells... yup.. yes maam... 98% is not okay. I can so find ways to rationalize it in my head though. my mp increased after residential at one point, so 98% is still above my residential meal plan (where I was not allowed to stand up or walk around ever b/c apparently i was "pacing" psh... haha... oh, shells, they are soooooo goonna call you on your running! beware beware beware. i know you and your team say it' sseparate and healthy... but watchout... the residential wrath is gonna be like "no, sister, it ain't! you gotta throw out those running shoes for a while!" and if you try to run the stairs instead (not saying I did this.... lol) then you will also get the smack down (not saying this happened to me..... wink wink)... oh man oh man. no, not trying to scare you... i'm thrilled for you and you're oging to get so much out of it. i really want to know where you're going. I wonder if I've been there or know anyone who has.) ok, what were we talking about again? oh yeah.. the 98% thing. so.... here's the dealio...i can find ways to rationalize the 98% thing... like, for exaple, i didn't eat a fruit with my breakfast today. it's freaking fruit! and my T is like "you have to eat!" and i'm like "fruit?! even the fruit?! i mean - hey! at least didn't take out like... the main course! it's just the flippin fruit! i wasn't in the mood for a fruit!" and she told me that this is how EDs are sneaky, they try to convince me I can be normal.... and normal ppl are welcome to not feel like fruit and therefore skip it. but i'm not. and i was really good at treating myself like i'm "different" and "not normal" and all that.... but when do i get to back off? ok, ok, in a long time... i know....
ok you totally called me out on my 98% thing.
i will make a promise to you that it'll be 100% from now on. i'll tell you later that it was. and i won't lie to you.
sense, making, am i? maybe?
ok.. off to do stuff. holy bajeezal.. it's almost time for the next snack. let's rephrase: yummy oh yummy! what delicious food I get to eat soon! yay! so happy! i love flavor!
no, but for realz: here are reasons for me (and anyone) to eat their full mp even if they don't understand how in the holy mother of grocery stores it can include as much food as it does:
1) b/c i want to be proud of myself.
2) b/c i'm hungry. (duh. so eat!)
3) b/c i want to be a person who eats when they're hungry
4) b/c I want my life to move forwards. I want to not have weight/food be something that makes my life go on pause while I go into intensive treatment again. so maybe my mind isn't slipping as much as my body, but it doesn't matter. point is. i have to take care of myself. part of food recovery is learnign to self regulate around food. so this is me practicing that.
5) b/c my cells are like "please? just a little more?" i mean, my cells are kinda cute... i should give them what they want.
6) becuase i trust my RD and T with my life
7) because i want to listen to that small, guiding voice inside of me. and that small, guiding voice of side of me might sometimes be softer than the ED voice... but the guiding voice knows i need to just buck up and recover my weight and increase my cals.
let's make a list of things i'm thankful for in regards to the ED:
1) my life. having 2 friends who have died this year treatment right now, i'm thankful for my life.
2) my metabolism. i know i say i have a love/hate relationship with it at the moment, but, i mean, come on, i'd rather it be here working like this than be completely dead, right?
3) my T and RD and MD. They are the kindest, most talented, most trustwrothy people ever. i'm so glad i have them.
4) the lessons i've gotten through recovery.
5) food. i mean, hey, lots of ppl would be like "wait so your problem is that your mp got increased? so... doesn't that mean you get more ice cream? so.... wait... isn't that awesome? i mean, what's the problem? i don't get it." Maybe those people who would say that are onto something. heck, if i have to eat more food, might as well enjoy it!!
6) i'm grateful that i've had this less intensive year to work on recovery. (i took a medical leave about a year ago to go into treatment. my boss even suggested it so that was pretty easy haha). and this year has allowed me to grow leaps and bounds. and i'm glad i'm not busy in school right now.
and that's all for now.
shells, contact me if you want advice on the parental stuff. i have had to deal with that a lot int he past year. i have some advice on "what not to do" haha!
Posted by: Laura | May 25, 2011 at 02:02 PM
I don't like this post. I feel like evolving relationships means ending relationships- at least that's how it's always gone for me.
Posted by: Courtney | May 25, 2011 at 02:04 PM
On the running, I knoooooooowwww. It's my BIGGEST most HUGEST fear EVER at the moment (aside from leaving my research for X weeks, but that's a whole different anxiety). I don't wanna run stairs, I wanna RUN to RUN. I'm not going to lie, I am secretly interested to see what happens when the running does go a way for a bit. Like, how much of it was eating disorder related? Scary, but interesting.
The thing is, I'm going to want to train as soon as I get back. I need to learn to eat normally, yes, and I need to learn balanced exercise, yes. But I also need to learn -and practice with supervision- eating and training together. My athletic goals are not going to go away just because I learned how to eat and be okay with it. They were there before I ever got ill in the first place. They're one of the reasons we (team) know I really need to go to treatment now.
I have decided as of this morning, to view my time in residential as an extension of my teammates. I just might walk in there and as I meet all of my team there on day 1, say "It will be great to have you as my teammate!" to remind myself I'm not giving up control, I'm not going to prison, I'm not trapped. I'm getting control BACK, I'm gaining freedom, I'm getting un-stuck.
Cells are totally cute! I look at them under the microscope regularly. It can easily be argued that I take care of my cells in culture better than I take care of my cells in my being. Sad. But really, they get to incubate and grow and divide in a nice warm incubator bathed in 100% nutrition at all times. They don't even have to feed themselves. They just get to BE and do their thing!
Courtney, I understand what you're saying, but maybe evolving relationships can also mean growing and fostering new ones? And that's pretty nice!
Posted by: Shells | May 25, 2011 at 02:49 PM
Why Courtney? What happens?
Posted by: Laura | May 25, 2011 at 03:04 PM
Boy, this theme seems to have resonated with everyone. I know this issue of changing relationships has affected me at every turn I've taken including right now where it is a huge stressor for me as I try to figure out what to do about some of the people who have been significant in my life, but who aren't necessary the best in terms of recovery. I can identify with Courtney's sentiment a lot. Someone once told me that only some friendships are meant to last a life time, while others are seasonal. And it can help to think of a friend as a special spring that helped us to renew and grow, or as a winter who helped us weather the coldest of storms. But they all helped to influence who we are. (And yes that seems trite, but it is true. I know I carry around a big piece of me from a friend with whom I haven't had contact in a few years). This issue of evolving relationships has been one of few issues that can bring my normally stoic self to tears.
Posted by: Jacquie | May 25, 2011 at 04:12 PM
All I can say is that this blog community is definately working for me!
Laura & Shells - your meal plan accountability dialog just whacked me in the you know what and I reached for the yummy Mix1 supplement (right now I like it better than Boost or Ensure) and started chugging it down to make up for the afternoon snack I didn't eat because I got distracted by work (poor excuse).
I also felt guilty for not making those phone calls I said I'd try to make today so I just left three voicemails with two ED Ts and one psychiatrist.
Relationships are wonderful and hard and rewarding and disapointing. I think it's harder for those of us who are so afraid of being judged. I definately have had a hard time learning that sometimes when relationships get rocky they CAN be repaired and other times they CAN NOT. I think one of the most wonderful feelings is the "coming back together" part after there has been an adjustment or a rupture in a relationship. Getting through that part can be terrifying though. People at work tease me a lot because I always want harmony and drive for consensus.
Regarding parents - my mom continued to check in with me by phone almost every day until she died to ask me about my health and whether I was taking care of myself. Although it was a little annoying some times, I now miss it terribly since she's been gone. My sisters and I now check in on eachother. And even though I am an adult and my dad is in his mid 70s - he still has this amazing ability to modulate his voice in a particular way and ask me to do something for him or my sisters and I just can not say NO to it. I'll be working on that forever!
Posted by: Laura R. | May 25, 2011 at 05:28 PM
Shells, I had to give up my running when I went residential too. It was hard. Let me tell you what I experienced: Super urges of "must move now!!!!" Massive fear of food in me. A lot of worries. I kept a journal every time I wanted to run. Lots of times the reasons were healthy reasons - I was in a good mood, I was feeling happy, I just heard good music. Othertimes the motives were questionable - because it was my routine, because I felt angsty. And sometimes the motives were disordered - b/c I wanted to make space for food, because I didn't like feeling full. But really I just looked at it as information about myself. As time went on, my urge to run decreased. I still am determined to run again one day. I still have times I WANT to run. I sometimes tell my RD I'd gain 5 pounds if it meant I could run. Sometimes she has said, "If you want to exercise, you have to increase your food more. So do you want to cut the exercise or increase your food?" and I tell her, "I'll increase my food!" And she says, "What?! No you won't! Let's talk again in 6 months." Anyway, I really hear that your running is important to you. I haven't raced regularly like you do - but I have run competetively before and I still find msyelf thinking "I just really want to sign up for that half marathon!" My RD has let me run a few 5K races only if I agree to no training and if I have a special meal plan on that day. And, it's sad... my team tells me that it's just the number one relapse sport... but, like you, I'm determined to figure out how to run one day without relapsing.
Anyway, my advice is this: Residential is temproary. You can give it up for that amount of time. And, you'll learn a lot about yourself in the meantime.
Laura R: I am STOOOKKKEED!! that you went and got your snack!! Just to let you know: I had my add-on snack that my RD e-mailed me about today AND I had my regular snack. Let's do this MP thing together okay?
one thing I learned in treatment that has been invaluable about relationships is this: There can be 3 types of relationships: 1) You don't have much of a voice. You are being "covered" by the other. 2) Two people are separate - as in, there's not much of a relationship. and 3) Two people each have their own voices, their own selves, and, yet, live in relationship together. The goal is to have relationship # 3. But if you are to have relationship type 3, it will come with sometimes you disappointing the other and the other sometimes disappointing you. that helps me to remember that in authentic, equal relationships, sometimes there are harder times (maybe this is what you were talking about, Wendy, when you said relationships ebb and flow)
Pacific Coast people.... shall we have a virtual dinner? (I'm going out with my fam for my mom's bday).
East coast people.... snack time?
:)
Posted by: Laura | May 25, 2011 at 06:18 PM
Forgot to tell you a funny story. I saw my MD today and she told me that one of her colleagues on the same floor in the same building is one of the leading ED medical specialists in the area. She said she was considering have me see him if we have more complicated interactions between ED and Lupus and meds. I checked out his profile online and it says that he not only specializes in ED but he is also certified in geriatrics...possibly a perfect fit for me today and tomorrow - ha ha!
Posted by: Laura R | May 25, 2011 at 10:41 PM
Haha, you're funny, Laura R.
Well, all, signing off for the evening - off to bed. I ate my whole meal plan - increase and all.
I went to a restaurant for dinner. It's a place where it's really easy to order lightly and not have anyone really notice. And I went back and forth trying to decide what to get. Finally, I figured out what was going on. The eating disorder part of me wanted the specific make your own salad. Not only that but lots of times I actually really enjoy that salad taste-wise. So the eating disordered part of me wanted tongiht to be one of htose times when I actually felt like that salad. But, the truth was, my stomach was pulling at me, starving, eating itself alive type of hungry. Also, I really wanted something warm. I realized my body wanted the grilled cheese with curry lentil soup. If there were no eating disorder, I'd be ordering the grilled cheese. That was what I truly wanted in my body and on my taste buds that evening. Plus, knew that now is not a time that I have any wiggle room for nutritional deficiencies right now. So, I ordered the grilled cheese and soup and it was very good.
I'm in a stage of recovery right now where, very rarely, do I feel guilty after I eat. Very rarely do I feel anxious during eating. Sometimes I get lured into eating disorder behaviors... but the urge seems to dissapate pretty quickly once I just start eating.
My T told me today that the remedy to the increase in restrictive thoughts/urges and the remedy to me questioning the fact that I have to weigh a certain amount to stay in recovery... the remedy to all of that is to eat more. And... she's right. Today was my first day in a few weeks that I've actually eaten the increaed meal plan 100% (and, actually, it was probably more than that since my T brought a feast to our session) and I actually am feeling better.
I have to thank everyone here. This amount of contact with you all, my T, my RD, and a few others in my life is what holds me up in this time of getitng used to new nutritional needs.
Posted by: Laura | May 25, 2011 at 10:55 PM
I'm just super blown away by all of the support here.
Laura- your sharing has helped me SO much. I absolutely LOVE your thing with making your cells happy cause they're so cute! That made me so happy!!!! I took advanced bio this year which was physiology and anatomy, and it helped me out with my eating disorder so much! The whole year I was just like, well crap- THAT'S what I was doing to my body!?! (we also just went to the junior college next to me and went to their cadaver lab. It was sooooo cool) But yeah, I'm always thinking now of how we need food to make our cells work to make US work, so I loved that!
After reading everyone sharing it made me want to ask for some support. My parents are leaving on Sunday for about a week (boo yah!!!!) but Ed is coming up with all of these plans and it seems so so freaking tempting. Me. All alone. With the house to myself for 6 days. I can get away with anything.
But then there's that voice of recovery that says there's not point in going back to my eating disorder. I know where that took me before, and the more I give into it, the farther away I am from making my goals.
I'm just having a really hard time right now. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I'm never freaking hungry. I'm not eating very well which makes me feel bad. All I want to do is just binge and purge, just ONE time. I would also like to Restrict and lose some weight. And I continue to fight it but I keep feeling the same way. I mean, it's exponentially better than it used to be, I'm just frustrated with where I'm at and I want to be farther. AND I WANT TO BE HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!
I guess one good thing though is I think I'm starting to feel more guys :) but I have no idea what to do with it all. Which is probably why Ed is seeming increasinglyore attractive. Graduation is tomorrow night and I'm just getting super sad. It hasn't fully hit me yet, it doesn't seem real. But it's tiny things. Like on Monday we wnt on our senior picnic and it was at this ropes course/camp in the redwood forests. And I was just thinking, omg. There aren't redwood trees in southern California. I'm not going to be able to go backpacking or hiking in these beautiful forests I've grown up in. And then I started crying! And the same day in my friends car I started crying because we're going to be far away when we go to college and I don't know what I'm going to do without my Amazonian (that's what I call her cause she's 6'3 and I'm 5'1. We're pretty awesome together)
I feel kind of lame writing all of this here... I guess it's just weird for me because I've always wanted to get out of here and now I'm feeling all of this weird stuff. And I don't know what to do. Because I'm scared I'm going to relapse when my parents leave because I want to so freaking bad, but at the same time I want recovery so. Much. More.
Also, did anybody go through the whole not hungry thing? Like at the beginning of my reocvery I did cause in the hospital they made me eat so freaking much. But I always was hungry when I woke up for breakfast and Noe I'm not even hungry for that. I just eat because food tastes good and because I'm suppose to. How do I get hungry again!?!
Posted by: Meg | May 26, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Meg, I have to go shower so not much time to elaborate - and I have a busy day so I might not get back here till later, so I wanted to say a few quick things:
1. Based on your description of your landscape, we live in the same area :)
2. I'm really glad you posted.
3. You get hungry again with time and with consistency of eating.
4. You and my sister should hang out - she's in love with cadaver labs haha. She also went to a neaby college's cadaver lab in high school and still talks about it! She super stoked for college b/c she's hoping to do more with that.
5. I relate to your feelings of "omg i'm alone... look what i could get away with" and with your mixed feelings of wanting to act out (B/P/R) and not wanting to. I want to elaborate more on this. For the meantime, my main advice would be: a) reach out a TON. post here. talk to people in real life. don't be alone. b) plan your days so there's not much idle time. c) if you wnat to b/p/r, do an ED-self vs. Healthy-Self dialogue and if you can't figure out what the healthy-self would say, come here and we'll help! d) if you wna tto B/P/R, write a letter to your cells first telling them that you're going to use your ED. e) breathe. breathe a lot.
ok, gotta run (not literally).
hasta luego!
Posted by: Laura | May 26, 2011 at 06:38 AM
Meg, I had the same feeling when I tried to attempt recovery the last time, and I asked my dietitian about it. I didn't want to eat when i wasn't hungry, even if it was "lunch time." She said I had hardly eaten regularly enough for me to expect my hunger cues to come running back. It takes time, and I have no idea how much but I bet it's different for everyone?! And it's probably different at different points in recovery, i'd bet.
Laura R, congrats for making those phone calls and for following your MP and eating your snack/supplement!
Laura, I am supremely nervous that even if they take away running that I won't be able to bring it back safely ever, so I'd ultimately like it if we could take care of it as part of my life just like work (which is much more of a trigger than running).
Also, Laura, I am very glad and proud of you for eating the snack (which probably felt like a feast but was probably actually reasonable, but I know what you mean) your T brought and continuing to follow your MP for the rest of the day!!!!! Super happy you did it. AND went with the grilled cheese. That was definitely a testament to how much you have accomplished in your recovery!
I am secretly excited to get to residential because I really want to be able to do these experiments, get the data, and not be too scared or feel to intensely about what the data says about me. Hearing about you, Laura R, Meg, Wendy, who have all done it and are fighting to do the experiments is very inspiring to me. I know it is going to be harder than I could imagine right now, but I so want to not feel as lost and out of control like I do right now!
Meg, I promise that your relationships in high school that are worth keeping will somehow be kept in some way despite the distance. It really is like Johanna said in this post about evolving relationships and Wendy mentioned ebb and flow. I can give you several examples in my life ofn this, and I'm approaching my 10 yr high school reunion soon! Um, and Facebook, text msgs, and email make it really easy to tell someone you're thinking of them!
Posted by: Shells | May 26, 2011 at 06:42 AM
Freak-out minor... Wrapping up experiments at work, checking in Tuesday morning... Going to miss too much time in lab, I'm too fat, it's not going to work, not really an eating disorder, I'm fine, what am I getting myself into, etc... Thanks for listening.
Posted by: Shells | May 26, 2011 at 03:49 PM
Shells -- Those thoughts sound soooo familiar!! I think every time i've gone inpatient, those thoughts echoed in my head too. Just keep talking back to them, even if you don't believe it -- just keep talking back. I must confess though, I'm a tad envious because I've never had the opportunity to try residential since my insurance doesn't cover it -- but i wish you the best of luck.
Posted by: Jacquie | May 26, 2011 at 04:46 PM
Shells - I swear to goodness that people of all sizes go into treatment.
Posted by: Laura | May 26, 2011 at 05:25 PM
Shells - I just read a phrase on one of the other blog pages that I think you might like, "Your negative voice does not pay rent in your head – so please evict". For some reason I really liked that. I hope you are proud of your self for ONLY having a MINOR freak out and continuing to move forward toward your goal.
Hey Laura - I added a handful of strawberries to my breakfast this morning in your honor because you and I are in adding mode, right?!
So in the last 24 hours I've talked to two ED Ts. One called me last night. She doesn't have a weekly slot open right now. However, she encouraged me to come to a support group the second week of June when she is running the group and check her out. Right now it seems inconceivable that I would be able to get myself to drive there let alone get out of the car and walk into a room of people. I'm putting this on the "don't decide against it too quickly" list for further consideration.
Then I got a call back from another T today. She seems like a VERY direct person and asked a ton of "why" questions. She doesn't have a consistent slot open either and would have to juggle me. I decided to try to see her next week anyways to see what she is like in person. The other person she suggested I check out is also not in a place where she has a consistent slot!
Talking to the one who I am going to see next Friday was pretty frightening. My heart was pounding and half way through her questions I just blanked out. I'm not usually short on words but I sure was by the end of the call. I'm trying to keep an open mind. I think that even if I don't click with her I might learn something - right? After the call I realized I absolutely didn't want to eat lunch which alarmed me. So I pulled out my sandwich and told myself to take a bite. Once I did that my hunger came back a little bit and then my body said "feed me".
Meg - HAPPY GRADUATION. I am confident you will stay in touch with your tall friend (I think you and I are the exact same height). I am twice as old as you and I have some friendships still from kindergarten!
Re feeling hungry - When I started seeing an RD I could find my hunger at all. It took me a long time of mechanically eating six times a day until it started to show up again. Now it The only way my "hungry" stays with me is if I eat six times a day. The moment I skip it either goes away. Then sometimes it comes back so hard it scares the heck out of me. When it goes away, most of the time I don't feel it again until I take a few bites.
Posted by: Laura R. | May 26, 2011 at 05:48 PM
Laura R - I have that same experience with first bites. you don't want to eat, you take one bite, and then you're like "oh, ok...."
And, yes, we are in adding mode. Good job on the strawberries! I added my extra snack again today. I talked to a therapist who works at the old treatment center i went to today. and she told me to stop calling it my "other snack" and to just start saying "my first afternoon snack" becasue it's no longer my "new meal plan" it's just "my meal plan."
Posted by: Laura | May 26, 2011 at 06:10 PM
It has been forever but i am wanting to check in with everyone.
I am feeling really fragile and am away from home, my Treatment team and those that get me and can support me:(
I thought that maybe i would be welcomed back to this community. I really could use the support and i kinda miss all of you. Oh and for those new to the blog HI.......
Thanks alot
Posted by: leanonme | May 26, 2011 at 06:19 PM
Hey Leanonme - Welcome Back!!! I've missed you. I don't know if you've been following us lately but a bunch of us have had a rough time being away from home this last month. Are you able to talk about what is going on for you? I'm here and I see you and am sending a hug.
Posted by: Laura R | May 26, 2011 at 07:07 PM