Familiarity being more comfortable

It's a funny thing, familiarity. It's so, well, so familiar.

Duh, right?! And there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, familiarity can be a great thing. There's nothing quite like seeing a familiar face in a crowd, or putting on a familiar pair of shoes, or visiting a familiar city or park... We humans (all us animals I bet) really like familiarity. Sometimes we like it SO much though that we cling to it. Sometimes we cling to it so much that doing so is detrimental to us. Sometimes we even know it's detrimental to us and yet we are too afraid to not cling to what's familiar. This accounts for a lot a why we stick with things long after we become aware change would be good for us. Fear is such a powerful thing. Fear of the unknown and therefore fear of changing at all towards what's unknown is sometimes enough to keep us right where we are. Even at GREAT cost to ourselves. What can we do when we know some kind of change is the right thing? Like the kind of change Courtney is talking about- that she may know she's not yet on the right planet for her but she doesn't know how to move-she's too afraid to leave what's familiar, even though she realizes being on the current planet isn't ideal for her. This won't surprise anyone you, but I think one of the key ingredients is Non-perfectionism. Because one of the quickest ways to get us too afraid to move (in any way, no matter how big or small) is to have thoughts like: well, once I go I can never come back; I have to make s clean break from this planet; I have to make the move ALL at once, and FAST... Any of this type of thought is a recipe for becoming paralyzed with fear and then not being able to even wiggle. The good news is that there exist ways to be systematic, organized, methodical, and (gasp!) moderate about a change. An enormous change like experimenting with, and perhaps eventually deciding to move to, a new planet, needs to be broken down into many steps, with data and evidence gathered at every step. When you think about it this is so obvious, right? But so often people think they should somehow magically and instantly make some big change. Oh yeah, like in the movies, where one scene ends and magically and instantly the character has moved across the world, has a new job and hair cut, and a totally different life... At least on Spongebob there's a little caption that says "6 years later" to inform us that time has passed- and yes I am aware that in that case it's usually because Spongebob is doing something ridiculous that you could never believe he'd be doing for sooooo long... But you get my point I know! In terms of Planet Investigating and Choosing you'd want to find out about other planets- you know, like go online and search Google; ask Facebook friends; Tweet about it... There are millions of ways to get info about planets these days. You couldn't possibly choose a planet to live on without exploring it first- so, over time, start visiting the new planet/s. See what life is like there, what the creatures are like, how you feel hanging out with them. Only after lots and lots of experience would you make the commitment to move yourself and your life there. (sometimes we do have to make big changes fast, and that's a different thing than I'm talking about here- there's a whole other way to approach and manage those kinds of situations). This process works well for practically ANY change we want or need to make- wether it be finding a new planet, a new house, a new way of relating to food and eating, just about a new anything. The key is in the breaking it down into reasonable steps and assessing what you find out at each step. And in letting yourself get used to (familiar with:) each step along the way. One of the fabulous things about being orderly like this is that we get to feel more in control (because we ARE more in control!!, and that's always fun :)

Comments

[Courtney]

I'm interested in thinking about this stuff. This is a fun concept for me- not being stuck in the planet I'm in now forever. I'd kind of given up on anything changing; the idea of being able to move to another planet is exciting for me!

[leanonme]

I like this quote and i think that it might suit this post, despite its Challenge.

" What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguide" -Oscar Wilde

[Pauses4paws]

With food this gets me a lot, I think. Sounds like you're saying that instead of eating a whole ice cream cone, it's okay to just eat a tiny sample spoonful? And then a whole spoonful, and then 2 spoonsfull, and eventually I might feel safe enough to eat a whole scoop? Truly that sounds "wrong." Eating "just a bite of something" brings concerns: 1)If I only eat a little portion of something, how do I "count" it?
2) What if I like it? Then I might want it again and how do I fit it into my "strict" food regimen and what do I have to take out to make room for it?
I mean, if I do this "try this thing, try that thing" too much, instead of measuring calculated portions, it's gotta add up to a significant increase and then I'll surely turn into Pillsbury Dough Boy.

Still, I want to keep in mind that there is supposed to be steps along the way to "all-out." May need to start with non-food items. If it makes sense for new planets then maybe it makes sense for other "new" things.

[Laura]

Pauses4paws... your brain works just like mine in regards to the food thing. Something I've been trying lately is to consider the idea that I don't have to understand everything I eat in order to eat it. I don't have to understand exactly what my body will do with it in order for me to eat it. I don't have to understand what's in it in order to eat it. This is what I'm trying to train myself to think. I've had a belief that I must "count" and "keep track of" and "perfectly understand" everything I eat or else... or else I'll get fat... i'll lose control... i'll have to hate myself..... . But what if that belief is wrong? You know? I mean... what if our beliefs are wrong? The way I see it is the only way to find out if our beliefs are wrong is to do the opposite and see what happens. So, what if you take one thing you eat today (or some day) that you don't understand - maybe it'd be a random bite, or maybe it'd be an ulabeled food with no nutrition facts.... and STILL eat everything else you're suppose to eat (no compensating "just in case") ... what if you do that and feel anxious and worried while you do it... but then, after 1/2 a day or a day or a week or whatever has passed, evaluate yourself: are your pants really all of the sudden not able to button? are you really so full you can't even think? did your belief prove to be true or untrue?

I've sort of been on this mission to figure out if my food beliefs are true or not by doing the opposite. So far, I haven't found a single belief that proves to be immediately true.

The other thing that's helped me is to focus only on the present. Let's say you have to gain weight. Then of course you're thinking of every thing you eat as part of some giant horrible terrible weight gain that's about to happen. Or even if you don't have to gain weight, you worry that eating one thing is going to cause you to gain all kinds of weight. If you think of this looming imminent weigh gain, then everythign is scary. But if you bring all of your attention to one bite, you realize one bite can't hurt you. What's the worst that can happen from one bite or one meal? 1) you could feel uncomfortably full. (but is fullness really that threatening? is the belief behind that true? what else do you know about fullness? you know it passes. you know that there are people who are normal weighted all over this world who feel full at least 3 times a day; therefore - fullness does not signify weight gain) 2) you could gain weight from eating (well, the most you could gain from any one meal is like 0.0000000001 ounces or something - and that's not even noticeable. Plus, think about Thanksgiving. People overeat at thanksgiving all the time. The next morning, when you see poeple... does everyone look noticeably huger from that one meal? no. --- I'm totally rambling and just talking out loud..... but i've just really noticed that when i connect what i'm eating with what i did eat or what i will eat, then i almonst never feel allowed to eat. But when I take what I keep my focus in the present, no one meal seems entirely intimidating. (As I say this, I just realized what the problem was with my lunch. I just had an ED-lunch moment and restricted too much. As I'm saying this, I realize it's because I was simultaneously thinking about breakfast and dinner at lunch. Future/past tripping is sooo paralyzing. But focusing in the present makes everything seem okay)

and now i have completely lost track of anything I was saying originally... lol. I could go back up and read it... or I could just press "submit."

[Laura]

one other thing.... when I think a/b the person I want to be, and what I want to be known for, and the way I want to spend my time in my life.... none of this includes thoughts or attention to my weight (I mean, no, I don't want to be unhealthy because of my weight... but, you know what I mean). Anwyay, so I'll be noticing my thoughts go straight towards weight and food and exercise (especially the second I worry about my ability to do something; the second I get stressed; etc.). And I'll find myself with food in front of me, convinced that I can't eat most of what's on my plate. "THis plate might as well be empty because I'm not allowed to eat most of what's on it." <-- that type of thought. And then I'll notice my attention will all of the sudden go towards my body, and then i'll confirm that i can't eat anythign on the plate. And then I just think "WOAH! THERE! HANG. ON!" And if I ground myself in how I want to spend my time, who I want to be, how I want to live, the I realize that I don't want to be someone who even worries about food or what it's going to do to me. I don't want thoughts about weight/food/fullness to take up space in my mind. I don't want to be that person. And so, I'll force my thoughts to go think about something else - something that is more in line with how I want to live. And it gets exhausting, because I KEEP having to do this. Like every 10 min it feels like... 1) notice thoughts are on something not productive to my development as a person 2) choose to not engage in thoughts a/b food/weight/fullness/body 3) force a change of focus onto somethign that is in line with who I want to be.

But, sometimes, my brain gets stunned and stuck. (Like today, at lunch, and after lunch). And sometimes when it gets too stunned and stuck, I don't even notice it being stunned or stuck... and when I don't even notice, then I hardly have a chance of redirecting myself to act in ways that are in line with who I want to be.

Also, I really don't like it when you start to notice that you're totally caught up in ED stuff... your brain has been stunned and you notice that you just acted out with the ED without even questioning it. And then you become aware. And it requires work to untangle your brain so that you'er moving in the healthy direction again. That untangling process gets annoying. But it is espeically annoying when you can't even identify why your brain got tangled and swept up in old ways in the first place.

I really believe all of this is possible with tons of support and self-awareness and work on your part. (Like, today, after lunch, after I noticed what just happened, I should have then written or journaled or talked ot someone so that I could have stopped the next thing from happening... that would have been doing the work. But I didn't do the work... I just.... let myself continue to be swept up in it). And I do believe that, eventually, with continued, persistant work, it'll eventually take less vigilence. I guess that's why I'll get back on the horse now and keep working... b/c I do believe it'll all pay off and won't require such work one day.

ok now i'm really done writing

thanks for letting me "think out loud"