what NOT to do with anger

In response to Ann's question about what to do with anger, I thought I'd take a crack at it with some thoughts about what not to do with anger.

Just a bit of a different way to coming at the idea.

Number 1 thing: don't turn it inward. Just don't. Anger turned inward has such bad consequences- it leads to lots of things you guys know about, like starving, over-exercising, bingeing, purging, harming yourselves in other ways, depression, anxiety... lots of yucky, painful, and damaging stuff.

Number 2: don't let yourself ignore it or pretend it doesn't exist (see Number 1 for reasons why :)

Number 3: don't tell yourself that anger is an abnormal emotion that no one (especially "decent, good people, perfect people") else but you has. It IS a normal human experience to feel anger sometimes (how people learn to express anger is where problems come in, not with the emotion itself)

Number 4: don't berate, criticize, demonize or otherwise be hateful to yourself for feeling anger (or any other emotion of course!)

Ok, so I do realize that while this list is accurate and worthwhile, it isn't always easy to accomplish. SO, in the interest of making the list as doable as possible, here's a little list of things TO do when you feel anger:
do acknowledge your emotion
do remind yourself that everyone, yes everyone, experiences anger
do tell a friend what you're feeling
do give yourself a pat on the back for being brave enough to feel what you feel
do take care of yourself in expressing anger- write, draw, talk, text, email, dance a jig (if you are healthy enough to be active, so there...), cry, yell at a tree... don't let yourself express anger in ways     that are damaging or dangerous to yourself or others
do let yourself eat, sleep, have fun, be silly... all those good, normal daily life things.... even, yes even     if/when you feel angry (in other words, don't make yourself "compensate" for anger by depriving
    yourself of other normal life things- doing so is a way of punishing yourself for feeling anger and     you don't at all need to punish yourself for feeling any feeling)

Ok, that was off the top of my head. It's one of those add-on lists that we do, so feel free to contribute to the list!

The most important thing, of course, is to remind yourself that it's ok to feel whatever you feel, including anger. Emotions are normal. And then you get to work on expressing that emotion in ways that are life-enhancing to you instead of restricting and damaging.

Comments

[Super Egg]

my slogan for the week is, "just feel it," then go to J's blog from any month and find out what to do with it.

[wendy]

I have used a boxing bag, play dough, made bread and kneaded the dough, and colored with crayons. I have some friends who went to a salvage yard and got permission to take baseball bats to the cars there, the batting range, and went and bought cheap cups at the dollar store and wrote down what they were angry about and found a safe place to break them.

Turning anger in was my worst habit...I even used my eating behaviors to do it. As soon as I felt anger at a situation or person I would binge and then I would feel anger at myself. It was easier to tolerate and more familiar...now that I understand that love and anger can co-exist and that anger doesn't have to be destructive I am a bit better at sitting in it.

[Ann]

The #1 things not to do is exactly why I'm reaching out. I'm an expert in #1. Hopefully I can become more familiar with the things to do list. Thanks for the advice! I really, really hate this emotion!!!!!

[runforjoy]

Wendy, I LOVE the idea of whacking cars with baseball bats (with permission of course)!

Lately, I've been realizing that, when I feel anger, I want to express it physically. I'm normally a very peaceful person and with the ED I expressed no negative emotions, so this is rather new. But when I am angry, I find I have to DO something-like tear up phone books or go for an "angry run".

The other day, my friend was really angry. We were sitting in an empty classroom, so I took out some silly putty and we started throwing it with all our might against the walls. It would bounce off and ricochet off all the desks and chairs. Watching her, I could see her put all her anger into wielding the putty. Soon, we were laughing, and the room was not any worse for wear.

Silly putty has kind of been my thing for dealing with feelings over the past few years, whether it is anxiety or anger. Somehow, I usually label any feeling I don't like as anger initially. I usually keep an egg of silly putty in my backpack, and over the years, I have given some to many of my close friends when they were upset. Last week, we were finishing up the semester, finals were about to start, and our track championship was starting the next day. I looked around me in class, and at least five of my friends had their silly putty out, including me! I may have started a trend!

[Ann]

That's awesome runforjoy! I love the silly putty idea, I think I'm going to have to go out and get some now :)

And Wendy, the idea of smashing cars sounds exhilarating :)

I'm enjoying the healthier alternative list that's building here.

[Tiger]

Anger scares me. Talking about it, thinking about it, feeling it. I avoid the word like the plague. Steven Levenkron says in his book "The Luckiest Little Girl in the World" "You may not want to call it anger, you may want to call it spinach" and goes on to say that as long as it is communicated, it's okay. I don't want to communicate anger, I don't want to talk about it, feel it, think about it. It's big and scary and often leads to bad things. I don't "do" anger. It's just too all-consuming. Anxiety is also all-consuming, but it *feels* safer--less likely to explode into harmful behaviors.

[PTC]

Is it okay to punch the hell out of a punching bag, even if you don't have gloves and know your hands will end up with some broken blood vessels?

Punching always makes me feel better. I think I need a punching bag. I think I tend to not eat as well. Oh well.

[wendy]

We are getting ready to remodel our kitchen...I got to take a hammer to the tile counter top...and it felt really good for some anger I was feeling.