what does it mean to skip a panel?

I woke up this morning thinking that someone was going to ask details about the panels. So, thanks, Paws, because it's probably a good idea for us to define and dissect this a bit more.

I thought I'd just take your questions and try to answer each one... so...

Paws: How do I learn to define panels? Are they different in every relationship or are there "standard" panels and THEN "extra" panels depending upon what type of relationship is in play?

Johanna: A very good place to start. The progression of panels represents the development and deepening of a relationship- which is "standard" because it's the way relationships develop, no matter what type of relationship they are- they all begin at "just met each other" and go from there, right?.

In this way, there are "standard" panels (progression of panels is what we are really talking about- with each panel representing a "step" on that path) that go from something like "just met each other" all the way to "very best friend" or "spouse" or something else that's very intimate. Some relationships "get to" their "destination" (level of intimacy) before, or long before "very best friend" or "spouse" or other very intimate kind of relationship- and there's nothing wrong with that- each relationship has it's own path (so no fair getting all judgmental about your relationships while reading this and thinking "oh no, I'm failing because not all my relationships are at "very best friend" level...). Not all relationships are supposed to get to "very best friend" level- it's not possible, not the way of the world.

Your general soccer ball has an alternating pattern of colored panels. We'll call that a "standard" soccer ball. Having said that, there are myriad combinations of colors that can exist- pink and white, black and white, red and black... What this tells us is that while there may be general trajectories to the development of relationships of all/most types, the color of each soccer ball's panels is specific to that relationship itself. (remember that each relationship we have is illustrated by one soccer ball)

Paws: Is there any way we can break down the panels so we can know what goes where? 

Johanna: The basic idea of moving from panel to panel is that we want to challenge ourselves to progress in the relationship- but we do not want to totally overwhelm ourselves by taking on more than the relationship is ready for. Maybe we can talk about this with regard to Tiger's date (hope you don't mind, Tiger!). Let's say this is a first date, with someone Tiger hasn't ever met before (you'll forgive my taking a bunch of editorial liberties here, Tiger, since I have no idea what the real circumstances are :)

So, Tiger and her date are at the "just meeting" panel. The "just meeting" panel and the ones surrounding it are all about testing the waters- just finding out whether this person's someone you want to even spend time having coffee with for an hour or two. You gather basic info- like, where did the person grow up, what does he/she like to do, is he/she at the same school or job as you... those kinds of things. Once you've gotten answers to those kinds of questions, you'll have an idea of whether you want to proceed to the next panel. There's no time limit to how long this all can take- Janis, it's SOOO fine to test out each side of each panel and to take any amount of time to satisfy yourself with information before moving on
to another panel. You don't want to rush this process.

The next panel might be something like telling the other person something about yourself- something you may want him/her to know, but not something that feels like it may over-expose you if the person isn't interested or isn't able to understand what you're talking about. For instance, and I'm totally making this up, say you had a very bad accident when you were 10 and it left your left thumb paralyzed. Talking about that accident is likely not part of the first couple of panels- because that's a pretty intimate thing in your life. You'd probably want to wait for several panels- until the other person has demonstrated some trustworthiness and endurance and compassion- before beginning to talk about more intimate, personal things. Each relationship has it's own timing. Sometimes it takes us a long time to move from even the first panels, and other times we move quickly along- it totally depends on the individual relationship. Again, this isn't a right or wrong thing... it's a staying conscious and aware and paying attention to what we are observing thing.

Paws: How do you tell if you're skipping over a panel? 

Johanna: You know you're skipping a panel if you have the feeling you're a lemming blindly running off a cliff! Ideally, in relationships, we create a strong foundation by moving sequentially from panel to panel. When we do it this way we have a sense of stability and predictability- because we've tried out a bunch of things and gathered data from these experiences. We've learned what to expect, how the relationship "behaves" and "reacts" over time.

An example of skipping a few panels is if Tiger goes out on her first date with someone she's not met yet- and asks that person to marry her that very night! It may well be that Tiger and this person will ultimately get married- but at very first meeting it's really impossible to make an informed decision about that (and yes, I know all about that love at first sight stuff- and I even believe in it... BUT love at first sight doesn't mean you still don't need to move through the panels so you can develop the relationship by giving it a good, strong foundation).

I suddenly have the strong desire to go buy a pink and black soccer ball :)

Comments

[Super Egg]

holy moly! is there a pink and black soccer ball? one must be made soon!

[Pauses4paws]

Thanks for the thorough answers, Johanna! I'll be reviewing, pondering, wrapping my brain around this one for a while I bet. I know there isn't a "goal in mind" for every relationship started, but it would be nice to have a map so that if I met somebody who I planned to have as my very best friend, I could map out the panels so I don't end up missing clues that tell me this person isn't someone I want to have as a very best friend. That lesson seems to come too late sometimes, no matter what the type of relationship. I suppose that's why connection with other people doesn't feel so good sometimes.

[Janis]

Johanna, I love the way you always come back to your commentors & interact & answer or explain...thank you! I have an ongoing reply to my support team when I feel inadequate or awkward in a relationship..."I don't do relationships". Think I say this because it somehow lessens the pain.

[Tiger]

1) Love the editorial liberties, Johanna!

2) I'm terrified about tomorrow night. I don't think I'm even close to stable enough to *think* about getting into any sort of romantic relationship--so, we'll see how this goes. However, I really do like this soccer ball idea, particularly in terms of this whole date thing. It seems less daunting to think about it as just little panels that are getting utilized.

[Laura]

Tiger, dont' know if this helps or not... but I've recently been going on a few dates (for the first time in.... forever...) as well. My T gave me some really good advice. She told me to think of boundaries before hand, to help me feel comfortable and in control during the date. EX: last night my boundaries were: 1) I wanted to drive (I did not want to get picked up); 2) I wanted to be home by 10pm; 3) Walking around the area after dinner was fine, but getting in a car and going somewhere was not fine. Knowing that these were my boundaries made me feel a lot more relaxed and safe.