thing to ponder for the day...

Laura, your idea of being an "inner monologue" for someone else is cool. Now...

Here's something to ponder as a next step to your idea: how do we get someone to believe what someone else is telling them is true and "positive" about them?

Everything you said to leanonme may be absolutely correct-  she does seem like a fabulous person to me also. What we know though, is that you guys can tell each other all kinds of accurate, realistic and positive stuff about one another- but the really brutally hard thing for each of you to do is BELIEVE any of that good stuff about yourselves!!!!

I'm not pretending I have any brilliant way to quickly get anyone to believe what's real about him/her. I mean, I spend lots and lots of my time with people working to change their views and beliefs about themselves, and getting them to understand and believe that they are worthwhile and decent human beings.

I thought it was worth posing this out loud so we can give it some concrete thought together. And while we work on it, you guys can continue to be an accurate inner monologue for each other- a skill each one of you is very, very good at!

Comments

[wendy]

I don't know how to answer the question for sure. In our support group on Thursday we were talking about this very thing...how differently each one of us saw the other than the individual saw themselves. Part of me thinks that part of it is hearing the positive more than once because it has to get past the negative internal dialogue. I think it also has to be a bit of the person's choice to begin to believe that there might be something to what someone else is saying. At times I want so badly for some of the gals to begin to see the good or the beauty that I see in them. A few times we have actually have girls almost get angry or look at us as if they are going to hold on to the negative messages for dear life...I suggest when that happens that they figure out why they would want to hold on to that message. some have figured it out.

I did a collage on my thought life awhile back for my therapist. I found a picture of a little girl sitting on a very big chair. Around her I put thought boxes for all of my negative thinking and the conversation boxes of the negative things I had heard others say to me or about me...it was so obvious that if someone said something good it had to make its way past the negative mess in my head. I did write out some of the stuff...for example, I always thought I was defective. So I wrote, "I am not defective, but___________" I wrote it over and over until I ran out of buts. I did it with several of the negative things and at the end I realized it was a matter of giving up some perfectionism and accepting that I was human just like everyone else and that is okay. Some times the negative thoughts come back, but I can counter them better and not stay there as long.

[Ann]

My T worked with me this past Wednesday on this very thing. She had me draw a representation of myself in the center of a blank piece of paper. I hate it when I have to draw in therapy, mostly because I get really perfectionistic and it becomes extremely hard for me to start drawing anything. Anyways, I ended up just drawing a stick figure to avoid the anxiety that was building. Then she had me write down the negative thoughts I have that make feel so unlovable. After that she had me cover them up with sticky notes. Then we took turns writing positive messages on the sticky notes. My T wrote more than I did, it was way harder for me to come up with anything. In order to come up with anything to write she had me imagine I was writing messages that I would tell a young girl who hated herself and felt completely unlovable. Instead of being able to say/write anything I just wanted to weep for the little girl. Its the closest I've ever come to crying in therapy. That in itself makes me feel totally defunct.

Anyways, it is totally difficult for me to believe that anyone could actually care or love me. Or to believe the I am actually someone that could be loved. My T says its difficult to believe we can be loved by someone else when we don't love ourselves. To me this is like the which came first the chicken or the egg. I guess either way the positive messages have to break through the negative messages. I feel like I need the positive messages spoon fed to me, right now I'm not able to develop any positive messages for myself. My brain hurts just trying to think of one.

[Courtney]

This is a mess. If there's no way to help someone believe these things then what's the point in trying? If there is a way, how long is it supposed to take? It seems like a never-ending battle.

You can't tell someone to believe these things about themselves. Ok. So then what?

Johanna, you say you try to get them to understand they are worthwhile and decent human beings. Ok. What if that doesn't work? What if years later they still don't get it? I've been in therapy for so long and I still feel like crap so much of the time. When does it end? When does it get better?

(Ok, sorry for my rant)