closed feedback award

A closed feedback award isn't as fun as some of our other awards, like the Perfection Deflection Award. Maybe we won't have it as an actual award, but I do want you guys to have some ways to identify when you're stuck in a closed feedback loop.

So maybe what we'll do is say it out loud when we notice that someone's stuck. And, identifying closed feedback loops is not about judgement, failure or anything else you little perfectionists are going to suddenly imagine it's about... so don't even go there. It's simply about being conscious about what you are doing, what you are thinking, why you are thinking it, and about then being able to make decisions about how useful/not useful the thought process is. So there- I had to add that little disclaimer or your eyes would glaze over and you'd get all panic-stricken about this...

A powerful (and painful) example of a closed feedback loop was provided to us by Ann, who's closed feedback loop managed to mutate a logistical fact into "proof" that she's unwanted by therapists and a bad person.

This feedback loop reared it's ugly head in Ann's statement, which was something like, "why doesn't any therapist want to see me for more than a year?" But from what you tell us, Ann, you have been involved in therapy through your university's counseling center, which is structured for relatively short term therapy (which is typical of university counseling programs). The structure of a university counseling center has absolutely nothing to do with you (or any other student)- it's designed according to the school's schedule and the way staffing/internships/supervisors are employed.

Logically, how could the university's schedule be "proof" that Ann is bad and that no therapist wants to see her for more than a year??? In fact, how could the university's schedule have anything to do with Ann at all? It can't. It doesn't.

But that's how closed feedback loops work- they take information, facts, that have either nothing to do with us, or certainly nothing bad about us, and make us think that the facts are indeed about us personally and that they for sure mean bad things.

Thanks, Ann, for a painful and clear example of how these rotten closed feedback loops work. Closed feedback loops are always painful. They're also damaging, self-perpetuating and isolating... all reasons for us to identify them and work to open them up.

Comments

[Laura]

My therapist has pointed out to me how I sometimes go "data collecting" to "prove" my "thesis" and, in doing so, end up in a closed feedback loop. So, we end up in these cyclical conversations where she says "I see why you end up at this conclusion, but consider the fact that that might be wrong and these other people who tell you positive things are right." And my answer is always, "You, therapist, are telling me my negative conclusion about myself is too black and white and is not accurate..... BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW! no one knows but me. I'm the only one with me all day long so no one really knows the truth about me." When people tell me good things about myself, I think that I did something to "trick" them into thinking I have talent/good qualities, etc. When I used to get positive feedback about my teaching, I'd think "No, they're wrong. I'm the only one in my calssroom all day long. No one but me really knows what's going on in there." My therapist points out evidence (other people's actions towards me or statments) that would suggest my "thesis about myself" is wrong. But I always combat it with "no one knows the truth about me except me. anyone who does something complimentary or nice to me... that just means I TRICKED them into thinking I did something right." Then my therapist tells me that I'm not giving other people much credit.... and I just say "yeah. I'm not. But it's because I can't! No one else is inside of me and with me all day long except for me. So no one knows the truth except for me." I don't know where I'm going with this.... oh... maybe just to say that in order to break this closed feedback loop, I have to give other people more credit. But it's not that I'm not giving other people credit... it's just that I take the blame if other people do something nice or say something positive about/to me.... because that means I TRICKED them into believing I'm someone better than I am. (This, by the way, is my therapist's explanation as to why I started restricting more recently since my relationships and connections have noticeably improved... restriction tends to change my focus, zone me out, give me a barrier b/w me and other people.... and, since I'm getting closer with people, I'm worried that people are only closer with me b/c I'm 'tricking them,' so I need to put up a barrier to make sure they don't see the 'real' me. this is at least part of the theory)

I hope this made sense - I haven't read it over before submitting it...

by the way, writing all of this makes me feel crazy b/c I feel like it makes me sound like this super low-self image person, but I don't go around all day feeling horrible and depressed.... but then i write this stuff which is accurate... and I think "ok, that person has self-image problems... oh "that person" is me....")

[Ann]

Laura, it makes total sense.

Johanna, I understand that the university scene is the way that it is and I understand how I've twisted the evidence to feed my closed feedback loop. Its just so hard to believe the truth, to believe that it doesn't have anything to do with me. I mean when I really sit back and try to look at it from an outside perspective I see that the first therapy-relationship ended because it needed to, it was not a healthy situation for me. The second ended because she moved to another state and the current one will end because I'll no longer be a student. Which is going to be a huge transition for me, since I've been in school forever!! I'm starting to freak out a bit, trying to finish up student teaching, apply for jobs, trying to recover and trying not to think too much about only having like 3 sessions remaining with my T. I've just realized that the new transition is starting to really bother me. It looks like I'm going to have to move to another state in order to find a job, which means I have to leave all of my close friends and church family behind.

[Ann]

I've been thinking more about this closed feedback loop, its actually starting to make a lot of sense. When you first mentioned it I didn't really think much about it, I was just like ok another way to classify how I think. I'm not even sure I read it all that closely, to be honest. I can't remember. Anyways, after my session with my T yesterday it all started to seem a little clearer. First, I'm seeing how badly I've become entrenched in this closed feedback loop (which makes me think of physiology and negative & positive feedback loops). The closed feedback loop reminds me most of the positive feedback loop, where one thing increases the initial change and it continues to stimulate that initial change. On and on it goes. The closed feedback loop is like that because once I get into that funk, everything seems negative and seems to push me further and further into that thinking that I must be a horrible, terrible, worthless person. When in reality, I've completely ignored all of the positives that are happening around me, I've dismissed all the evidence from those that care about and love me. I've dismissed evidence that I've presented to myself. It seems that the Ed only focuses on what will keep me close to it instead of turning the other way and it makes it difficult to give any credit to the positive evidence. I'm not calling it negative and positive in a black/white thinking way, just that the negative represents all of those thoughts that put me down and destroy any self-worth that I might have thought I had. And the positive represents all the evidence that points me in the opposite direction, things/thoughts/actions that could possibly build my self-worth instead of tearing it down.

We've been really working on trying to believe all those positive messages that are floating around me each day. Its totally not easy by any means and I don't know how long it will take, but I'm starting to feel a little better just knowing that I'm trying. That I have a plan and that equals hope for recovery. And for now I've decided that I am going to make the most of the time I have left with my T. It might not be too much longer, but I wont give up! I will continue to fight even if I end up without a therapist! That's the thought right now anyways, it'll probably change but it makes me feel good to try and think positively.

Okay, I've rambled enough.