What happens when the “putty” grows out of its bounds?

Ok, so we’ve got our puzzle. 

I think for our purposes- we’re born with the puzzle built (genetics, hard-wired stuff, innate aspects of who we are…) and then during our lifetimes we can make adjustments (change out pieces if need be, draw a mustache on part of the picture, add some extra green or yellow paint somewhere…).

 The basic idea is that we’re a full puzzle; if life is stable enough and the winds aren’t too big for us we just keep being that full puzzle. If life isn’t stable enough and the winds are too big they blow out puzzle pieces and then we have to try to adjust. 

Leanonme, I really wouldn’t get too caught up in the details of “is our puzzle built at birth?” question. As Courtney, our resident literalist will (and does tell us, whenever I’m inaccurate about something :) my images don’t always hold up literally. I'm cool with that, because I’m really going after the essence in an image- more like impressionistic art than representational art. The important thing about the puzzle image is that we all are puzzles and our goal is to keep our puzzle intact throughout our lives.

So say you’ve had some pieces blow out and you’ve been resourceful enough to find or create some putty to fill up the holes. Things feel reasonably stable (sometimes they feel quite good) and you go on in your daily life.

Think of when the eating disorder first begins. You feel strong, invincible, unafraid, confident, in control... feels like you have your life where you want it. You feel like your puzzle is cohesive and not very vulnerable to wind. This is the "just enough putty" phase- where the disorder feels like its really helping. In fact, in this phase, you feel lucky to have "discovered" it and can't imagine how you'd get along without it, or why you'd have to. It seems like an ideal situation.

At this point it's as if the putty has been smoothed into the puzzle-piece hole and is flush with the top of the puzzle (so if you look side-view of the puzzle it appears that it has all its pieces and that they are smooth along the puzzle top- all the same, even level).

We all know, though, that in an eating disorder the putty doesn't stay smoothly in the puzzle-piece hole/s. Nope. It begins to grow up and over the puzzle- like an intruding plant covers the landscape. The disorder's motto is, "well, if a little putty is good, more putty must be better" (which explains things like in anorexia where once someone loses 5 pounds, suddenly he/she "needs" to lose 5 more).

As it grows over the top of the puzzle (and obscures the picture) the positive things you get from the ED seem fewer and far-er between. You start to feel as if the disorder is controlling you instead of you controlling it; you don't feel so confident anymore; you're lonely and isolated; you don't get the same "high" from the behaviors...

The first time a client came to see me she told me she felt as if she had always been a building, and that building had always had an open roof. But as the ED "grew" more out of its puzzle-piece holes she now felt as if a suffocating covering had been slapped down over the building and she could no longer breathe. What had felt helpful to her had become claustrophobic and suffocating and was jeopardizing her health significantly.

It's important to differentiate, as usual, between relatively short-term eating disorders and long-term chronic eating disorders. In short-term illnesses the goal of treatment is something like: run around as fast as everyone can, gather all the blown out puzzle pieces, and reinstall them where they originally were. That's ideal.

In longer term illnesses, sometimes the puzzle pieces couldn't/can't be located- and then you have to look for the healthiest, more efficient and productive putty. Sometimes people who've had an ED for a long time still continue to use it to some degree- and the challenge in that case is to keep track of the putty so that it stays just in the puzzle-piece hole and doesn't get a brilliant idea that it should "try to help more" by growing out of the hole and covering up the puzzle picture.

Comments

[Tiger]

I don't want to have to struggle with this for my entire life. I want to be able to talk about it with my therapist without getting super scared and spacey. I don't want to have to keep the putty in it's neat puzzle piece shaped hole. I don't want putty at all. I want to not feel guilty for having had breakfast this morning after I went ice skating for an hour, and before I walked up to campus. I am scared to learn how to really live.

[Ann]

Tiger, you are not alone. I'm right there with you. I don't want to just maintain the putty puzzle piece trying to keep it looking like a normal piece. I find it exhausting constantly smoothing it over or at least trying to. I think what I hate most about it is know I could or should use better coping skills, but yet I choose to listen and use Ed's coping skills. The word I hate the most in that last sentence is the "choose". I hate it when I'm in session and my T uses "choose, choice, chose". I don't know why I don't like it, it should give me some sense of strength to make a choice to tell Ed no. Yet, instead I feel guilty and ashamed for not making the healthy choice, for not standing up against Ed. I feel weak and well right now I feel all sorts of stupid for allowing the stress that comes with student teaching to overcome me and affect me so much. My best friend has been trying to get me to speak to my minister about everything that I've been struggling with. She thinks he can give me some perspective. But, I feel so stupid about the entire situation, I don't want to take up his time (sounds like Ed speaking) I just think that his time would be better spent with someone that really needs him. Okay so I think that this comment has gotten way off subject.

I just really wanted to let you know, Tiger, that you are not alone. That I don't want to feel or think this way any more!

[wendy]

Thanks for tis analogy Johanna...it is really helpful!

[Ann]

I am caught up in so many negative thoughts right now, its driving me crazy. I would have thought having a session with my T, and two snow days and tomorrow will be 3, I would be feeling much better at least feel refreshed. Instead, I feel torn down and just down in general. There are so many thoughts running through my head right now, I feel like I'm spinning in circles. I'm still having anxiety too, even without being in the classroom. I had anxiety tonight just thinking that I could possibly have to go back to school tomorrow.

How can I disconnect myself from these negative thoughts? How can I step back without quitting? How can I stop feeling selfish for trying to take care of myself? How can I move past this thought/feeling of just being a failure for not being able to cope with this little thing of student teaching? How do I pull through and remove Ed and Perfection from my thoughts?

I need help smoothing the putty over.

I feel really bad for taking up so much room in the comments today and over the past few weeks! Sorry, just trying to straighten some thoughts out.

[Courtney]

Yikes Johanna. I felt like I'm studying when I read your post. :) I had to read this post a few times (a few meaning three+). This was a really tough one for me to grasp.

I get that the putty grows out of it's bounds because more seems better, especially in our society. And I get that when that happens you feel out of control because the putty is taking control. But then what? How do you take the control back? How do you clean the putty out? I think I know what my problem is. No patience. I want it done now. I want you to tell me that you can just buy a special putty remover or something.

[leanonme]

I look at this putty thing a little differently. I guess because i am unable to find the real or desired puzzle pieces due to many different circumstances. I need these putty pieces to hold my puzzle together. I have been learning how to keep it from overgrowing and taking over my life but i still need( want) it to hold me together. The thought of having holes in those places unravels me and sends me into a spin of increased behaviors. Without the putty i am in a million different pieces and think i need my anorexia more than i actually might otherwise.I dont know if this makes any sense but it works for me. Everyone is different to be sure.

Ann dont think you are taking up to much space. We are happy to be here for you. And Tiger i do understand wishing to be symptom free. It is just too idealistic for my situation. I hope this for you though if this is something you long for

[PTC]

So, 17 yrs would be "short-term ED," right? :)

Ironically enough, I used to play with silly puddy while I was in my sesh. Helped me focus on that rather than looking at her or something. It calmed me down a little.

[Laura]

I like this analogy a lot, Johanna. Thanks. It's a helpful way of thinking about it.