the 2nd guarantee

Sarah, you're really struggling with this 2nd guarantee about body size. I'm sorry it's so hard.

You may accidentally overwhelm yourself with how big the whole idea seems (that's what happens to many, many people, and then they feel like it's so big that they can't even deal with it, and then they sort of give up), so perhaps you could break it down into steps.

Your therapist can help you with this I bet. The first step is simply having whatever reactions you are having to the idea of trusting your body. You and your therapist could probably have a bunch of good discussions about the reactions you're having! 

The steps that come after that will become apparent as you become familiar with everything you are feeling. I'm not trying to be evasive here- it's really true that the next steps will show themselves to you.

You're getting too far ahead of yourself, worrying about how your body will turn out, what will happen... all that kind of stuff will only freak you out.

I know this isn't easy. Working on this stuff can be such a challenge! Keep at it though, because it's crucial, and you're doing a good job. You are sooooo not alone in your struggles with this :)

Comments

[Ann]

So, feelings are totally confusing. Is it possible to feel bad for feeling good, because I know that I allowed Ed to decide what I would and wouldn't eat for lunch today. I feel good, just because I can't explain it. My students did pretty good on their exams, One of the students gave me a hug after she saw her grade, it was cute, the endocrine lesson I did today was interesting. The cooperating teacher said he thought it went well, so I guess that's good. I have a lot to prepare for tomorrow, and the next couple days and weeks, this is where I get overwhelmed and then I start questioning myself. Anyways, I'm rambling.

I just wanted to say that its nice to feel good, to not have my chest feel like its going to rip in two. AND at the same time it sucks to feel, I guess I would use guilty as my "bad" feeling, not that I think the feeling is bad just that I feel bad. I feel bad for feeling good. When I know I stumbled today. Wow, I think this is pretty confusing, feelings...they make me feel alive, but it doesn't mean I always enjoy having them. Which is "normal" though, right?!

[Laura]

Ann, I'm happy for you that you're getting positive feedback from your students and partner teacher! I know you have a lot to do for tomorrow, but take care of yourself and trust yourself that you are a good enough teacher to pull it off once you're in the room, in front of hte students.

I often feel bad for feeling good too... THe thing that,for me, caused a recent slip was that I was feeling so good (mostly due to progress in recovery, yadi yadi)... I started to wonder "wait, is it really okay to feel this good? I dunno about this...." And then I stepped on the scale and flipped because the scale gave me "concrete evidence" that "no, I shouldn't have been feeling good." "No, my newfound confidence was undeserved." Of course I know, intellectually, this is false reasoning. But that's what caused my recent regression into some behaviors... I really think none of it would have happened if I had just been okay with feeling good...

[Laura]

Johanna, question... So I was thinking about your post from a few days ago where you said that, often, people with eating disorders have "tried everything." And by "try everything" we mean "try everything eating disordered," but we haven't yet tried just listening to our bodies. So, okay, I want to give this a go. I really want to try to just listen to my body. I have gone through phases of doing this, and, in the moment, it feels wonderful. Then I get scared and I run back to the eating disorder rigidity and rules. Why do I get scared? I think I get scared that I'm not "hearing" my body correctly. Like, what if I just THOUGHT it said "eat" but really it didn't?! (catastrophe! lol - kidding). Anyway... my point is.. I trust my body.. but I don't know if I trust myself to "hear" my body. [And yes, I know my body is myself and myself is my body and there's not really a separation here, but hopefully you know what I mean...] So - how do we KNOW that we're "hearing" our bodies correctly? How can we trust ourselves to hear our bodies? [Assuming we're at a stage in recovery where we do actually have hunger/fullness signals and cravings]. I hope my question is clear. I guess I'm just.... I want to trust my body, but I'm afraid.

[Laura]

To add on to this.... this is what always happens: I decide to try to trust my body. I sort of do. Or at least I do so more than before. Behaviorally, things are great. (In the last few weeks, I'm making psychological progress and behavioral anti-progress..). And then I start to question my own interpretations of my feelings. I start to think "okay, I'm trusting my body, and I don't think my weight is getting out of control. I don't think I'm getting out of control. I think I'm okay. Yeah, yeah... Okay, I could get used to this... Yup, I look normal still. Yup, I feel good.... okay, okay..." AND THEN... somewhere along the lines I say "OH MY GOSH WHAT IF I AM WRONG AND I JUST THINK I'M MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE BUT I'M REALLY NOT! WHAT IF I THINK MY BODY IS NOT CHANGING FOR THE WORSE BUT IT ACTUALLY IS! WHAT IF I AM JUST BEING TOO EASY ON MYSELF!"

So I guess what happens is that I start to not trust my own ability to interpret how I feel. Or I can't decide if how I feel is the same as reality or not.

This is getting awfully confusing, but does this make sense to any degree?

[Laura]

On a comment spree.....

Speaking of not being able to decide if how I feel is reality or not....

I hate not knowing what reality is!

I hate not being able to figure out what I look like. I look in the mirror and the image I see (or, rather, the judgement I attach to it I guess) changes every single time. I just want to know what I look like through an average person's eyes.

I hate not being able to know if I'm "listening to my body" and hearing it correctly or not.

How do I KNOW what I look like?

How do I KNOW if I can trust my own perception of myself?

How do I KNOW if just "letting go" and "being myself" is actually right?!

I hate not being able to know things.

Okay, end rant.

[Laura]

Maybe I figured out my own answer. There's no way any one else is 100% sure they are "perfectly" hearing their bodies at all moments of the day and responding perfectly to their body's calling. Yet, most people who do claim to listen to their bodies seem to do just fine. So if everyone else does just fine without knowing perfectly that they are hearing their bodies perfectly, then I/we should do just fine too. (Any truth to this?)

Also, let's say I mishear my body. In fact, I probably will. Or, I'll hear my body but due to logistics, I wont' be able to satisfy it. (Like, my body wants a sandwich but I don't have any bread. Or, my body wants a drink of water but there is no water in sight so I have to wait.) So, let's say I mishear my body... then what's gonna happen? Nothing major. I bet my body can handle some misinterpretations on my part. It's not like if my body says "nope. Don't need food" and I eat a meal anyway that I will somehow spin out of control and be on an endless track of weight gain. Instead, my body will just digest the sandwich, no noticeable physical changes will take place, and life will go on.....

So conclusions:
1) You don't have to hear your body perfectly.
2) If you are like every other human, listening to your body relatively well (but still imperfectly) will lead you to a just fine result.
3) There's no way of knowing for sure if you heard your body perfectly at that moment, so just give it up. Every one else has given it up, and they're doing fine.... So you'll do fine too by giving it up.

okay - thanks for letting me think out loud tonight.

[wendy]

You gals have given me some good food for thought! Making peace with imperfection is hard cause I want to do it perfectly. LOL It is hard to start trusting my body...sometimes I am more sucessful at knowing what I need than others.

[Ann]

Laura, you are totally not alone in your thinking. I hate that every time I look in the mirror I look completely different. I mean there's no way that I changed that much, yet that's what I see. Its really frustrating. Its so weird to not know what others see when they look at you, b/c you don't know if you see reality or some image that Ed wants me to see.

Also, I feel the same way about listening to my body. There are times when I know I'm hungry, and I'll eat and it'll be just fine. There are others when I can't tell or I don't feel hungry, but I know I should eat b/c its time.

I think what it all boils down to for me is just a lot of questioning of myself. I think that Ed likes it when I question all of these things and uses them to his advantage. So, maybe I should just sit still for awhile and not question myself so much. Not an easy task.

Time to go to school. I hope everyone has a great day!

[Laura]

Ann, - totally! Trying to "not question" myself is such a good goal. My RD always tells me I'm "over thinking" and "second guessing" unnecessarily.

WENDY - I cracked up when I read that you want to be perfect at accepting imperfection. SO true. Hilarious!

[Tiger]

Laura- watching you think this through was wonderful. I'm in a similar place, in that I'd like to trust my body, but I don't trust my head to enough to trust my body. That and trying non-ed-behaviors scares the crap out of me. Well, ok. That wasn't quite a fair statement. I ate three meals yesterday, and didn't compensate in any way, but today, the prospect of not restricting is really scary. I don't understand how it can change so easily and quickly. I don't even have the willingness to insist for myself that I eat something right now, though I brought lunch with me, and it will be yummy, when I eat it. I say when, because I want it to be when. I should say when/if because I'm not sure if I will eat it. I hate that my brain gets all tangled up like this, and I don't know what I think, or how I think, or even what I want. Lunch is organic butternut squash soup, and homemade breadsticks. perhaps.

[Laura]

Tiger, I know what you mean by it changing so easily and quickly. So true!!!!!!!!

[Laura]

PS: I hope you eat your lunch.

[Ann]

I had women's group today after school. Upon arriving we have to check in with the receptionist and then the leaders come get us. Well, when I got there to check in, my old T the one that gives me massive amounts of anxiety was checking people in. I couldn't make myself walk in the room. I went to the rest room and then looked in again and she was still there. I walked around the hall to see if my current T had her door open, she was on the phone. I ended up running into the group leaders and they told me I needed to go wait in the reception area. I thought I was going to cry. I went back that way and I went to the drinking fountain and when I turned around, the door to the reception area is just one door down and right next to it is another T's office, well the woman that gives me the anxiety was in that office.

I hate feeling this way, its awful. My chest hurts so bad, I want to cry. Its been going one for almost 3 hours. I can't calm down. I've called friends, I sat through group.

On top of that, when I was at school today, I went to the rest room right before 6th period which is right after lunch. And I walked in on a girl purging. This has not by any means helped my day. I feel terrible for the girl, I hate that she's dealing with this and is most likely keeping it a secret from all her loved ones. It was totally a trigger for me. I didn't act on it, I had already not followed my meal plan at lunch. My 7th hour class is stressing me out something fierce. There are two boys that are going to end up starting a rumor about me and it will most definitely not be good for my career and my cooperating teachers are out for the rest of this week and Monday. I don't know what to do. I honestly, right now, believe I can't do this. I want to just give up. My ED is taking me over, I don't feel like I'm ever going to be able to do something that is stressful, and survive and recover at the same time. I'm feeling extremely inadequate right now.

[Sarah]

Aw Ann. Sounds like a pretty horrible day that ANYBODY would be stressed about and having a hard time coping with. I hope tomorrow goes better for you!!!

[Ann]

Today was a better day. My university supervisor stopped by for a visit/evaluation. The scoring runs from unsatisfactory to basic to proficient to distinguished. I scored the highest you can score on proficient, so that was great. I definite boost in self-esteem. My anatomy/physiology lesson went great today. I tried something different, I don't like lecturing all the time. I find that students don't pay attention or lose interest. So, today when I was teaching the endocrine glands and hormones. I walked the students through the hormones/glands, literally. The students were the endocrine hormones and actually traveled around the classroom like it was the body. :) It was fun and I was super excited, the students could definitely tell, they were smiling. :) it was great! I love teaching anatomy/physiology!!! It totally rocks my socks, haha. I asked the students what they thought of the lesson afterwards and they gave back positive feedback. They definitely liked it better than a lecture, said they learned more and they like how organized I was with the lesson. I was told I did better than most student teachers, so that was good to hear.

My cooperating teacher in chemistry is coming back to school tomorrow and I am super excited!!! The boys in my 7th hour class were much better today. I felt like I could breathe a little better today. Eating lunch with my cooperating teacher, totally helps me. B/c she'll tell me flat out that I need to eat more or ask me what's going on that I'm not eating. When she's not there I eat alone and I don't really eat too much.

Sorry for all the comments. I wish I could talk to my T about this, in person instead of giving her updates over email. I've had several people suggest I find someone who can meet with me more often, but I can't imagine going to anyone else and I don't have insurance and can't afford to see anyone off campus. On top of that I can't go to anyone else at the university center due to my issues with the first therapist.

anyways, I hope you all are having a great day! As always THANK YOU ALL for all of your support!!!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

[wendy]

Ann, I loved reading about your day!!!! How fun you will make learning for students!!!