necessary changes

Sometimes we have to make a change or changes that we might not want to in the short run, but are important in the long run (or even before that).

I think Ann, you're in that exact position right now. 

I know how all you guys feel about change- and very few people really love difficult changes anyway, so you're not alone. But sometimes we have to consider doing it anyway.

If the situation we're in isn't sufficiently meeting our needs we have to readjust. Ann, in your situation, you need more help and more support. From what you say, the schedule of the therapist you see now doesn't allow for you to meet with her often or consistently enough. Given the state of your anxiety (which, as far as I can tell, is becoming increasingly intense over time) you need to be seeing someone very regularly.

I know you've already been through a therapist change recently, but I'd recommend you consider (strongly consider) finding a therapist who can meet with you often and regularly. This has nothing to do with whether you like your therapist (I know you do), whether or not she's skilled/talented (she apparently is)- it isn't anything personal about your therapist at all (and remember, I don't even know who your therapist is, where she is, or what school you are at, so this is definitely not personal on my part). This is only about meeting your needs.

University counseling/health centers are set up to meet the needs of students, staff and faculty. The center will be able to match you with someone who can be available enough.

I'm not saying this will be easy. I can tell you though, that when people get into places like you sound like you are (serious anxiety, self-doubt, wanting to quit what they're doing) it can quickly turn into a crisis. You want to do whatever's necessary to avoid that. And having the right kind of treatment in place is a crucial aspect of doing that. 

Comments

[Ann]

Thanks Johanna. You are right, I know you are. The anxiety is definitely increasing every day and becoming an obstacle in my every day life. I do need the increased support. And yes it will be incredibly difficult for me to switch Ts. I have anxiety just thinking about it. There are a few things that I need to do. First, I need to ask my chem cooperating teacher if I can give back the chem I class. 3 preps is simply too much for me right now, completely overwhelming and anxiety provoking. Second, on Monday during my lunch/prep I'll call my counseling center and see if I can get in to see one of the one call therapists. Then, when I see my T on the 15th I can talk to her about finding me someone that can give me the increased support. I love my T and it will be very hard for me to goodbye to her. I'm crying now just thinking about it all. I know that I can't go on the way I am forever or I'm going to crash and burn, I already feel as though I've lost control and am seriously close to smashing into the ground.

[Sarah]

Ann, good luck with finding a therapist who has the time and availability that you need and deserve!!

[Laura]

Ann, I felt this exact same way when teaching for a long time. I had to make so many necessary changes during this time. Let me give you some examples: I had to force myself to stop working (even if I wasn't done) by a certain time; I had to lower my expectations of myself and the quality of my lessons; I had "mandatory relaxation time" every night (therapist's hw); I started checking in with my therapist by phone and seeing her for a double session in person - which meant I had to cancel hw club on that day; I had to start saying "no" a lot more; ... there were other changes that I was encouraged to make that I didn't. There were changes that I tried to make, but I never made consistently. I don't want to discourage you - and your life is not my life - so just because I had to do this doesn't mean you will - but, ultimately, I was just so self-doubting... my self esteem was plummeting from feelings of failure from teaching... my self-criticism was increasing to an out-of-control level(no matter that other people told me good things about my teaching) - my ED behaviors were getting too hard to keep in check- I was literally running out of physical energy due to stress/ED - so, this year, I chose not to go back to teaching and, instead, increase ED treatment and just recover my personality, my confidence, myself. I had to take a break from the full-time work world in order to puff back up, in order to get better and get healthy... in order to feel normal again... in order to remember who I am, remember I have strengths, and remember that I'm worth self-care, food, friends, fun, etc. Now, looking back, I may not have had to take a break from the work world and increase ED treatment had I been able to actually prioritize my own health over that of student achievement. I never was fully able to lower my own expectations of myself. Every ounce of my being was devoted to being the best for my students. I cared soooo much, but felt like I was just always screwing up. So, I was just never able to live fully for myself - I was living for them. I never was fully able to feel satisfied with my performance. I never was able to accept myself. I was never able to draw boundaries between my personal and professional life. I just became my profession. The result? The type of crisis that Johanna is referring to. I took more than 6 months off the full-time work force, had a ton of therapy and RD appts, had family therapy for ED stuff, had to really just focus on getting better. ....andI have now re-entered the full-time work force. (still working with kids, still in education... but in the type of environment that I thrive in as opposed to suffer in). So, why am I telling you all of this? Maybe so you can learn from me? If I could tell you one thing, I'd tell you that if you really want to teach long-term, you have no choice but to 1) lower your expectations of yourself; 2) Put self-care as the absolute priority; 3) don't, don't, don't, don't, don't lose yourself to teaching (i.e., keep other things in your life besides teaching - keep friends, keep hobbies). You cannot get your confidence solely from teaching. That's why you have to keep other parts of your life active, so that when teaching is hard, you don't feel like a bad person.

I am thisclose to just posting my phone number on this website so we can talk!

[Laura]

Ann, I also worked with such intensity every day before/after teaching... and teachign is a profession in which you have to constantly "be on" during the lesson too. The intensity just never quits. I see you approaching the job with the same intensity I did... which is especially why I REALLY REALLY want you to 1) understand the importance of easing off and taking care of yourself and 2) not feel guilty or like a failure if you do just that.

xoxoxo

[Laura]

ps: the good news is that.... after you get through this, nothing will ever stress you out again :) ha - that's how I feel anyway.

[Ann]

Thanks Laura! " I was just so self-doubting... my self esteem was plummeting from feelings of failure from teaching... my self-criticism was increasing to an out-of-control level(no matter that other people told me good things about my teaching) - my ED behaviors were getting too hard to keep in check- I was literally running out of physical energy due to stress/ED" This is how I feel now. My students ask me why I'm so sad. I'm so exhausted all the time. My university supervisor asked me like 15 times if I was okay. She gave me a great rating for my teaching and it doesn't matter I totally feel inadequate. And my ED behaviors are at an uncomfortable level. I am not my usual upbeat self. It makes being in the classroom almost unbearable. When I finally make it to my Jeep at the end of the day, I completely break down, tears and all, every day. Its only been 4 weeks, I still have 12 to go. To be honest, I am scared that I am going to end up in a state where I physically can't make it through the day.

I understand that I need to take care of myself. I can't even think about backing off of the planning and work I do for teaching. Mostly because I struggle to even start the planning, I get so bogged down by the anxiety that I can't do anything. Like today, I am snowed in and have been trying to work on school stuff all day, yet I haven't accomplished one thing. I hope after all of this, nothing will stress me out again. That would be great.

[Laura]

Ann, my students asked me the same thing too. In march of last year, three girls skipped a class while I had a prep period to come find me and they said, "Are you okay? Do you want to talk?" That is not good when the kids start to worry like that about your teacher! Around that same time, a kid (middle school) pulled me aside and said, "What happened to you? You used to laugh and smile and refer to our goals... And now you're a different person." I said "I'm sorry." He said, "I know what happened to you... You stopped believing in yourself. You're a great teacher. You can do this. You just have to remember. You have to see what we all see - a great teacher." How amazing that a 13 yr old could say that?! Anyway... he was right. Nothing had changed except my own perception of myself. My therapist used to tell me that my students were her little spies. They could see through me, so their comments helped her. I also understand the daily tears. I taught for a few years... but my first year of teaching, every day when I closed the classroom door... I just sat on the floor and cried because "I wasn't good enough for the students."

I feel for you so much. I know how hard this is. I understand what you're going through.

Ann, you really need a break to just slow your mind down. Will you please consider taking a couple of days off of school?

It's hard to ease off, to lower the intensity, to change the expectations,... even with my new job now, I find myself wanting to throw myself 500% into it. I find myself wanting to go into work on Sundays just to implement some idea I have... I want to stay late and arrive early because I feel like I "have to." But, if I do, I risk losing my balance. I can actually tell my balance is beginning to be threatened already (this job is very new). I need to be careful because I don't want to go through what I went through with teaching.

[Laura]

Hey Ann...

Maybe this is really naive, careless, thoughtless of me to do this on a public internet site.... but I just feel so compelled to reach out to you.

my email: lauraglaura@gmail.com

If you are comfortable with doing so, shoot me an e-mail. I'll give you my #. I want to support you through this.

You have to defend your "inner peace." If I can help with that, I'd like to.

Writing on this site is great, and we can still converse via comments... but I want you to have another source of support, another contact...

So, if you're comfortable... send me an e-mail. If you're not comfortable, no worries at all! No big deal! Just wanted to offer another form of support :)

I care about you a great deal.

[Ann]

Tears are falling down my face. I am so grateful for your support!!!

I care about you a great deal as well!!

Thank You so much! Seriously, crying right now, I am so moved by your support! It is greatly needed right now.

[Laura]

:) I just woke up and saw your response and your e-mail! (HUGE HUG)

[Ann]

:) HUGE HUG right back :)

[Ann]

So, I was going to ask my cooperating teacher to take the chem I class back, but my university supervisor said no. So, I'm just going to have to bite my lip and push through. She thinks that I need to quit my Job, I only work Saturdays for like 5 hours. It is a welcomed release from focusing on teaching. And during that time I wouldn't be planning or grading anything anyways.

[Laura]

Ann, you crack me up only becuase I think we are the same person.... last year, I got another job to relieve me from my teaching job. ha. People also told me I should quit it, and I said, "No, it's a nice break." I'm sorry, but there is something wrong with needing to get another job in order to take a break from you current job - lol.....

[Ann]

haha, :) so true, lol. . .

I don't get paid to student teach, so I need the money to pay my Jeep payments, car insurance, and credit card bills.

oh man, I needed a laugh, thanks :)

I have a 2 hour delay tomorrow, YAY for sleeping 2 extra hours!!!