this week's Bumper Sticker...

Our Bumper Sticker for this week, brought to us (without permission, so I hope she's ok with this :) by Laura's therapist: People try to get out of the eating disorder by going farther into the eating disorder.

How true is that??? When you read it it seems like, 'duh, why would anyone dig themselves in further when they're trying to dig themselves out?' But when you think about how the ED works, it's not so hard to see how this happens.

Since the eating disorder is a coping strategy that especially gets kicked up when we are under stress, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that someone would gravitate towards the ED when under any kind of stress, as opposed to away from it. It actually seems totally counter-intuitive (and stupid) to the person to try to go away from the ED and not towards it.

I think the key when this happens is to acknowledge what the disorder is trying to do- it's trying to help you cope with stress/anxiety/emotions/etc. It's doing it in the only way it knows how- ED symptoms, right? I've found that if you can give the ED some credit for what it's trying to do, it won't feel "disrespected" or "ignored" by you, and it will have an easier time allowing you to "climb out of the hole" you've fallen into. 

Remember, the ED is like a child in a lot of ways- it wants to be seen, heard, understood, respected and acknowledged for its efforts at helping you with life (despite how primitive, ultimately counter-productive, or physically damaging those efforts may be). When it 'feels' it gets these things from you it tends to be "calmer" and less aggressive. I'm not saying you have to like or love the ED. I am saying, as usual, that if you hate it and try to push it out of the way as you are climbing out of the hole, it will only dig itself in deeper and you'll be stuck using it more and more. If you can try to "discuss" the situation with it, you can better "collaborate" on getting you out of the hole, by turning to strategies for dealing with stress etc that actually work (and don't hurt you).

Comments

[Laura]

My therapist will love that it's the bumper sticker. She doesn't know that I read/comment on this site. For all I know, she doesn't even know this site exists. (Or she does... Um, therapist, if you're reading this, will you tell me! Thanks!) But, since she helped with the bumper sticker, I kinda want to tell her about it. I see her in 2 hrs... maybe Ill tell her.

Her cul-de-sac/try-to-go-up-by-going-down/try-to-get-out-by-going-in discussion yesterday (she's had this discussion with me before, but I never really understood it until yesterday... or maybe I just never believed her that it was incorrect logic... anyway).... using that information yesterday is what kept me on track. I was tempted to skip breakfast and lunch and just get to the place where I felt comfort in hunger and smallness. But then I thought "Wait, if I do that, I'll be attempting to go up by going down. Wait, if I do that, I'll just go deeper into the hole that has no backdoor. If I make this decision, I'm heading towards the cul-de-sac." And, just in remembering that that's what I was trying to do, I was able to make a different decision.

AWareness and knowledge is not enough to recover from an eating disorder, but it sure does help.

[Laura]

Wait... let me add on. I don't want to sound like "Look how awesome I am. All I needed was awareness to get back on track." Full disclosure: I also had a TON of frequent support from my therapist and a friend. It was like an intensive day of support + awareness that helped. Ok... just wanted to clear that up so it wasn't like I was saying "it's so easy" and making someone else feel bad that they're having a hard time not using behaviors...

[wendy]

I can so relate to that...I tried for years and just sunk in deeper and deeper! Until i started therapy and had an outside perspective!

[Ann]

Laura, I just want you to know that I totally think you are AWESOME!!! And am so glad you were able to turn away from the behaviors with support and awareness! Way to go!! By the way, I didn't think you were saying "Look how awesome I am".

[Laura]

Thanks Ann! You are the best! I think you're pretty AWESOME yourself :)

[runforjoy]

Hm. I've been thinking about this lately. My ED really did serve a function-it protected me from feeling a lot of really overwhelming things growing up. And at the same time (I didn't use but!), it also caused me pain as a result of not feeling things and hating who I was. Now that I am away from the scary situations, I can see the damage that the ED has caused. So now I am learning to take care of myself in new ways. When I encounter something upsetting, it is still my instinct to turn back to the ED, but it helps to know that the ED is trying to protect me again. From this perspective, I can tell the scared part of me that I have new ways of caring for myself, that I appreciate the ED's efforts and that he helped me survive the past, but that I am now an adult and I will protect the scared part of me. Writing that out sounds grown-up, which is interesting because with the ED I was always afraid of growing up. Lately, it doesn't seem as scary or impossible and I'm starting to think that maybe I can handle it.

[Laura]

I wanted to show you all something I've been thinking about. I've been thinking about the phases I go through. Even though I cycle through these phases more and more quickly and in less and less of extreme ways, I realized recently that I am still cycling through them. this awareness helps. anyway, here's what I'm talking about.

This is just my experience. It may or may not be yours. I thought sharing it might be helpful for even just one person...

PHASE A:
--aiming for the hungry, hallow feeling. Usually this serves to help you feel good about yourself.
---weight loss behaviors and mindsets
---characterized by a general decision to "be healthier" or "be more careful about what you eat."

The goal is always to just stay permanently in Phase A. It is the continual hope. People can elongate Phase A by isolating themselves from others, by lying about their behaviors and thoughts, by going into denial, by not keeping any food in your apartment. However, ultimately, it truly is impossible to stay in Phase A always. It will not last. You might think it will last because it's been lasting for weeks (or months), but it will not last ultimately. The first time I was in Phase A, I'd say it lasted for 2 years. That is to say, I still felt in control for those years. I protected it by lying to friend and, ultimately, losing those friends. I protected it by arranging my schedule so that I never had to deal with food. It might have lasted for two years, but it didn't last ultimately - and it never will.

Phase A makes you feel good about yourself.

Even though your robust life is slipping away, you're getting a self-esteem boost so you don't care.
You like Phase A.
You can't risk letting it slip away.

So, you take action to make sure Phase A stays.
In taking action, in trying to control Phase A, you enter Phase B.

PHASE B:
---stricter food rules (ex: "Now that I ate vegetable soup once for lunch, I can never eat anything more caloric again for lunch. New rule: eat caloric equivalent of vegetable soup every day for lunch)
---Food rules are so extreme that, inevitably, your human body rebels.
---You break the food rule (i.e, you ate out of accordance with your rules)
---You feel guilt, self-hate
---You question your ability to "Stay in control"
---To make sure you stay in control, and to punish yourself for breaking your rules, you make new compensatory rules (ex: "Since I ate more than I was supposed to at the last meal, I have to skip the next meal entirely) or (ex: Since I ate more than ---I was supposed to yesterday, it is SUPER important that today, I only eat [insert stricter food rules])
---Your compensatory rules are so extreme, that they, too, cannot be maintained
---You break your rule again
---Even more amounts of guilt and self-hate accompany rule-breakage this time.
---You feel like a failure because you "can't stay in control."
---You must punish yourself by compensating.
---You make even stricter compensatory food rules
---You break these rules again because they are just getting more and more extreme

You end up in a cycle of strict food rule-->break rule-->guilt-->compensate-->new food rule-->break it-->guilt-->compensate.

--Bottom line: You feel like you're in a tornado. Totally out of control.

Eventually, you can't stand this out-of-control feeling, so you will do anything to put an end to this. I was basically in a perpetual Phase B before I ever got help. To stop the tornado-like feeling that accompanies phase B, you enter Phase C.

PHASE C:
Phase C is basically a decision to "get better." Phase C is complex and so, it is easier to get through if you are guided with motivations, tips, and sub-phases.

MOTIVATIONS FOR GETTING THROUGH PHASE C:
---You don't want to end up in Phase B again. And fully getting through Phase C is the only way that you avoid Phase B again. If you don't get through Phase C, the cycle starts again.
---You don't want to be the only one in a room of people who has part of their brain focused on their hunger level, their body size, their past and future food intake.
---The only way out of the hole is through Phase C.
---You can't get out of Phase B by going back to Phase A, because Phase A is never lasting.

TIPS FOR GETTING THROUGH PHASE C (Things to remember)
---People do not get fat by eating normal meals.
---Eating normally is not saying "pig out."
---You cannot and should not freeze your body. Your body is a flexible thing. It feels full, then it digests, then it gets hungry again. Any new physical experience (like fullness) is not permanent. Later, in time for the next meal, you will feel hungry.
---Eating normal portions of food regularly is good for your metabolism, and it is good weight management.
---Eating normal portions of food regularly is a good way to take care of yourself.
---Eating disordered logic that you will be thinking during Phase C (like fullness is bad, eating food makes me fat) is incorrect.
---If you try to avoid Phase C, you end up just going down the hole further. And there is no backdoor out of the hole. It is a cul-de-sac.

PHASE C - BROKEN DOWN BY SUB-PHASES
1) Go get food that appears normal.

2) The lure of being in Phase A again makes you consider not eating something different.

3) Remind yourself....
a) that Phase A is not permanent so you should not aim to go to Phase A.

b) that phase B inevitably follows phase A and Phase B is a million times worse than Phase C

c) The reasons you are avoiding Phase C are based on false reasoning (Phase C will not make you unspecial, worthless, or fat)

4) Eat the normal food.

5) Feel the fullness and start to worry that you've "ruined everything" and feel a strong urge to compensate to "erase" this food and then, once your slate is clean, start over in Phase A.

6) Remind yourself....
a) Your body is a flexible thing. It is not supposed to be in a constant state of hunger. It should feel hungry, neutral, and full.

b) Your body feels food now, but that uncomfortable feeling is not permamant. It will digest and then you will feel hungry again.

c) There is nothing logical or rational about being attached to a feeling of hunger. There's no reason to seek after it.

d) People who are normal weights (and look good at that weight) eat food and feel full several times a day. Feeling full does not mean you just did something wrong and got fat.

e) Once you get used to eating again, you won't feel like this.

f) You are part of a large group of people all working hard to make the same healthy decisions you are trying to make. Together, you can make the healthy decisions. You know that it's the right decision for them. So it's the right decision for you too.

6) Next meal, get food, eat it, repeat above cycle.

7) THEN THE PAYOFFS ARRIVE: It starts to become easier, more normal.

8) You love Phase C. You feel great! Eating is fun! Eating tastes good! You don't mind feeling food in you! You trust that your body will feel full, then digest, then feel hungry again. You know you're not doing anything wrong. You feel comfortable in your body - kind of. (but watch out... because Sub-phase 9 is coming)

9) These good feelings of Phase C start to freak you about a bit. You start to wonder.... Is it okay that I'm feeling good? Am I really allowed to feel okay about myself and my body? Maybe I'm just making this all up. Maybe I'm doing something wrong without realizing it....

(I think this is where stepping on the scale screwed me up. I was already questioning if it was okay to feel this good. And the scale just gave me proof (via an uncomfortable number) that, no, it wasn't okay to feel as good as I was feeling.)

10) You consider going back to Phase A so that you can have a concrete reason (hunger) to feel good - because you think you can only feel good with a concrete reasons. Because you can trust concrete reasons (like scale #s and hunger levels)

11) You start to feel stunned that you're being tempted by Phase A again. You thought you were past this...

12) You have to remind yourself of the following things:
---You don't need a reason to feel good. You're human. That's reason enough.

----You are allowed to feel good about yourself and your body.

---It makes no sense to have hunger levels be your reason for feeling good about yourself and your body.

----You are not getting fatter and fatter without realizing it.

---You are supposed to be "normal looking." You do not need to be "borderline underweight."

---You are a normal person and that is just fine.

---You are special for reasons apart from your body and hunger levels.

---If you choose to go into Phase A, it will not last. You will end up in Phase B.

---Phase B is a million times worse than Phase C.
Might as well stay in Phase C even if part of you is unsure that it's okay to be in phase C.

---The only reasons you're wondering if it's okay to be in Phase C is because your'e not used to it.

13) Go get normal looking food, eat it.

14) Expect yourself to boomerang through these various sub-phases. Revert back to any of the sub-phases where you remind yourself why Phase C is right however often you need to in order to keep yourself from going into Phase A again.

(If you do go back to Phase A, just jump straight back into Phase C. Don't wait until you have to go through Phase B again)

Just wanted to show you... :)

[Ann]

Laura, you summed it up really well. I have to add another line for myself in phase C. It would go along with questioning if its okay to feel this way. After that I start not feeling so great, because I feel guilty for feeling good and then the good feeling goes away. Then I move into the I don't deserve this, I don't deserve to eat, I'm not worthy enough, you know all the put downs so that my self-esteem starts to drop into the toilet. I'd say that's were I'm at right now. I'm questioning myself a ton, I'm really overwhelmed with student teaching. Next week I'll be teaching three different classes, my cooperating teacher will be gone all week for two subjects and the other cooperating teacher will be gone wed-friday. I feel totally unprepared everyday, I'm not sleeping but like 4 hours at most a night. There's so much to do besides simply teaching, I don't want to be a bad teacher and the stress of this is killing me, it physically hurts. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get into all of this, I'm going to stop talking now. I don't want to be a whiner.

[Laura]

Ann, I know the feeling. That's exactly how I felt when I was a teacher. I left classroom teaching this year to a) feel relaxed and b) to keep the ED from getting worse.

[Ann]

I feel like I shouldn't be in the classroom, it is extremely, ughh, nerve racking. I can't see my T but once a month now, since I'm teaching all day everyday and she's really busy. And, ughh I need so much more support right now.

[Ann]

I should rephrase the first part, I only feel like I shouldn't be in the classroom because its so stressful and I don't know if I can handle all the pressure of trying to be the best teacher for the kids and not doing a bad job in front of my cooperating teachers and trying to balance all of that with healthy coping.

[Laura]

Yes, I totally know what you mean Ann...