end of year resolution #1

I'm not a big fan of New Year's resolutions. 

So often people choose things that are perfectionistic and unreasonable, and this just sets them up for disappointment.

But maybe we could have some End of The Year ones- or maybe they'll be Bumper Stickers of The Year... (I kind of like that :).

Whatever we call them, here's the first: Work to be honest with yourself. It can also be: Strive to be honest with yourself. You can come up with other variations too... as long as they stick to this central point.

This one is provided to us by Tiger who reminds us how difficult it can be to be honest with others, but how often the most difficult thing is to be honest with ourselves!

Comments

[wendy]

"Recovery is a process of growth, not an achievement of perfection." This would be one of my bumper stickers because every new years I went into a funk because I wasn't fully recovered or had just struggled through holidays. I am better at accepting growth, even though a slight tinge of I thought I would be further along sometimes tries to rear its ugly head.

[Laura]

I've been being honest with myself lately - and it's really hard. I've never cried so frequently in my life it's a little bit out of control. But, in a strange way, I guess it's good too. All this stuff is coming up for me. I'm at the point where the life that results in pushing the honest feelings/thoughts away is more difficult/painful than the actual experiencing of the feelings. This sounds silly, but, truly, I never really thought I had any feelings. Not major ones anyway. Not important ones. But if I'm being honest, I do have feelings. I have a huge range of them and sometimes I feel two at once. Sometimes I feel a bunch in any given day. I am being honest about my feelings. I am letting the feelings leak out, bit by bit, and, eventually, I'll let them all leak out. It's powerful to let them leak out (HONESTLY), because I become aware of them. And, with honesty comes awareness, and with awaeness, there is no denial; instead, there is power. Awareness is scary because you can't hide from reality, but it's powerful because you are guided to create the reality you seek.

I like the bumper sticker. Be Honest. I like it a lot.

[Laura]

Oh, and Johanna/everyone - yesterday, I was crying. And it physically hurt to cry (until lately, I didn't cry very much). I know crying is emotional... but, seriously, it was physically painful too. Maybe everyone knows this and I'm just figuring it out. But crying hurts your heart and your throat and your face muscles and your forehead/brain. Anyway, I was feeling worse because it was hurting. And I thought about this blog and about how maybe I was reacting to my reaction. And I thought, "What if it's okay to feel these 'bad' feelings? What if it's just fine and i don't have to fight the tears, but I can just relax and let myself cry or feel however is natural?" And, after I said that, I still cried, but it didn't hurt as much - because I wasn't fighting it. (anyway, just wanted to share how not reacting to the reaction helped me yesterday)

[Ann]

Laura, I think its awesome how much you've grown! I'm so PROUD of you!!! I want so much to be as aware of my emotions as you are. I feel like I'm in a pretty good place right now, but I haven't been able to tap into my emotions yet. Maybe I haven't been "Scrupulously" honest with myself enough to come in contact with the feelings yet. You've inspired me to try to be completely honest with myself everyday. I think I'm going to write to myself every day like I'm writing to a friend describing how I feel. Or maybe a list or something just to help me check in with myself periodically throughout the day. Hmm, I'll have to think about how to do this one.

Anyways, I'm way excited for all your progress Laura! Way to Go!!! Keep it Up! :)

[runforjoy]

Thank you SO much for the list of things to do to not absorb tension. I really need this right now. A lot of it makes a ton of sense to me. Like, " the more time we spend exposed to fighting the more of a challenge it is to stay detached." I've been exposed to this tension my whole life, so your statement helps me see that it makes sense for me to struggle with absorbing tension and to be compassionate with myself rather than frustrated that I still tend to do it (I do the reacting to the reaction thing a lot, but I'm getting better at it). I do have some friends from school with whom I can be completely honest about how I'm feeling, which is such a relief when I may spend most of my day at home pretending I am fine to avoid more tension. But I can see that I need to stay connected with those friends. And I want to have a back-up plan for when the tension is too much. Like maybe if I need to get out of the house, I go to a certain friend's house. That way I have a way to take care of myself that I already have permission to do. I made a family therapy appointment for tomorrow, so I think I may talk about some of these things. Thank you SO much again.

Laura, what you wrote is absolutely beautiful! You must have been reflecting on this a lot because your statements are so profound. I feel like you just clarified a lot of what I have been thinking and learning too!

[Laura]

Ann and Runforjoy, thank you for your responses and your support,

Ann, you mentioned that maybe you "should" write to yourself as a way to try to feel your emotions. I just wanted to share with you that I do write every day. Mostly because my brain is always on overdrive, so writing is a nice release. I never spell check or grammar check. I write run ons and fragments. I just write. I write how I speak. I write to no one in particular. Sometimes I write letters to my therapist (sometimes delivered, sometimes never delivered). That's how this started. I didn't want to talk in therapy a/b what I wanted, so I wrote her a letter to tell her. And that started a series of letters.

Writing is usually how I stop pushing the emotions away and begin to tap into them at least a little bit. Yesterday, I wrote 5 pages (I'm wordy if you haven't noticed haha) of procrastinating actually talking about the present and how I feel in the present. IT was 5 pages talking about the past - delaying talking about the present. Then I finally started writing about the present - in a very honest way, and it made me cry - I only wrote a paragraph and I stopped. Sometimes I write things like "Sometimes I'm happy; sometimes I'm sad." (Not that verbatim but that type of thing). Sometimes, I feel so happy and joyful, and I write when I'm in that energetic mood and just record everything I'm thinking/feeling. Sometimes - like yesterday - I write when I'm in a more lonely, melancholy mood... and push myself to record what I'm truthfully thinking/feeling. I guess I don't acknowledge how I think and feel in the present very often, so, doing this - writing a/b how I'm feeling in a given moment - is a little too powerful. It usually makes me upset. And I usually stop writing. Then I continue writing later, when I feel like it. I don't make writing a chore either. I do it only when I want to. Sometimes when I don't feel like writing, but I suspect I would benefit -I'll start writing, and, after a couple sentences, I am enjoying it. If I'm still not enjoying it after a couple of sentences, I stop.

So, I don't mean to give the impression that I just tap in, feel, and let flow. Yesterday, delayed "tapping in" for 5 pages. Then I feel for a paragraph. Then I stop.

[Ann]

Laura thanks for sharing. I write a lot too. I just recently wrote a letter to myself and then replied to the same letter. I've written letters to Ed, perfection, therapists and to no one in particular.

Today was my birthday. I turned 28, don't really care that I'm this age just sharing. Its weird to me that I feel so guilty for it being my birthday. I feel guilty that I can't make everyone happy on my birthday. Why should I feel guilty for doing what I want to do on my birthday. Apparently my family bought me an ice cream cake because they wanted an ice cream cake, then when I didn't want any "dessert" they get mad at me and don't eat any. It's 10:30 at night here and I'm about to go to bed, why is it imperative that I eat the cake. I told them to go ahead they can have cake if they want cake, I just don't want any. I, Ann, don't want cake, its not Ed telling me not to eat the cake. I just don't feel like eating the cake. I've already had my dinner and a little snack and coffee. I'm getting worked up over nothing. K, I'm just going to stop now.
Sorry for rambling.
I wish holidays and birthdays weren't stressful, but were actually a celebration like they're suppose to be.

[Laura]

ANN, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!! I've sooo enjoyed getting to know you over this last year.

[Ann]

Thanks Laura!! I've really enjoyed getting to know you as well :)