one other thought about touch

Someone said to me today that "touch is overrated."

So not true (although I do happen to know why this particular person holds this view). 

Not only do we instinctively gravitate towards touch and intuitively know it's something we need and want, there have been some pretty interesting studies about the effects (benefits, to be specific :) of touch.

There's strong empirical evidence that touch (for instance, if we pet an animal or hold someone we care about) decreases blood pressure and stress.

It's such a shame that touch has been a distressing, disappointing thing for some people. In and of itself, it's such an amazing thing we have available to us. Watching people get used to, and learn to trust touch is one of those WAY cool things therapists sometimes get to do.

I've worked with a fabulous young woman who had terrible experiences with touch as a kid. I understood this from the minute I met her, and realized it would take a long time for her to trust me and to see that I would never hurt her in any way. It did take a long time, but within the last year or so, she has begun a very sweet tradition of tapping her fist against mine when she leaves my office. She's kind of a tomboy anyway, so this tough-girl type gesture totally fits her. It's been wonderful to see her find a kind of touch that she knows is safe and comforting.

I have to say, just for the record, touch is definitely not overrated :)

Comments

[Ann]

I agree it is not overrated. However, I still find touch to be stressful sometimes. Even guilt inducing, which may sound weird to some. I'll explain a little. The last guy I dated, we dated for 3 months. To be honest we would most likely still be together if I didn't struggle so much with touch. Every time he would touch me I would shy away. Every time he'd give me a kiss I would freak out and feel completely guilty. I'm trying really hard to break this pattern, and it seems totally strange but in the beginning of a relationship its been easier for me to be more okay with the touch.

I talked very briefly with my therapist about this yesterday, but we just touched (no pun intended) on the subject before it was time to go.

I believe that one of the reasons why touch is so difficult for me is because it has so much to do with connecting with someone and opening up to someone and trusting someone. And I struggle with all three of these.

I can say that I'm making progress in this area, but I have a LONG way to go. I would love to hear more on the subject.

Right now my list of acceptable touch ( i think that was the list) only includes a few kinds.
1. holding my nieces and nephews.
2. sometimes a hug from a parent.
3. a hug from someone I really trust, when I need it.
I don't know this is really hard, I think I'm going to have to do this during my appointment next Tuesday.

[Super Egg]

very nice!
i think i do like touch yet i feel so ashamed to even think this is true...so then i just try not to think about it.

[wendy]

I agree with ann's list, but also would add holding hands, an arm around my shoulder, cuddling with my husband, a hug around the leg from my grandchildren. This will sound wierd, but a couple of them who remember when I broke my leg, will come up to me when I am sitting down and look at my surgery scar and so gently rub it. The gentle caring look on their faces makes me smile...infact they are the only ones who can touch it.

Johanna, I have been working on trying to learn to listen to what the eating disorder is trying to tell me and it has helped tremendously. I recently lost a friend and have had a lot of stress the last month. I have struggled some with E.Dis. and all of a sudden the anger at self and self-contempt returned. I had gotten where I wasn't experiencing that. Is that a part of the voice of E. D.? An example is, that I ate desert with some friends and after one serving all of a sudden I was experiencing those negative emotions. First I was angry at myself and woke up the next morning with the self-contempt, which I had not for awhile. If it is part of the disorder, what kinds of things is that "ugly" part of me trying to tell me? The messages that come with that feeling are negative of course...I can fight the messages, but it seemed like the feelings came first this time?

[PTC]

When I go home to see my parents I always get hugs. They're nice. I miss hugs. I get big squeezes from my nephews and sometimes tell my mom I need a big hug. I do, however, hate when someone touches my side or my arm. I just feel like they're feeling all of my fat and it freaks me out. I hate it.

[Tiger]

I recently found myself needing to address an issue with a dear friend, stemming in part from touch. What I found interesting, was that the first time we tried to talk, I found forming words to be impossible--I couldn't speak. He hugged me, and we didn't end up talking that day, and also created more of an issue between us. (he kissed me; he has a girlfriend) When we finally did talk, after I spent almost a week wondering why he was ignoring me, and engaging in major eating disorder behaviors, a good portion of the conversation was physical--but in the usual safe ways that our communication is physical. A hand on my arm, a big hug, brushing my hair out of my eyes, my head on his shoulder, holding onto his arm with one hand--these are ways in which he and I both know that no matter how hard right now is, there's still a shared history, and all will eventually be ok. I am so thankful that I can experience touch as so reassuring when I need it to be--words aren't always the right thing.

[Pauses4Paws]

I've discovered something kinda neat about more touch after years of fearing it/pushing it away. I'm the one who wants to hold the hands of gravely ill friends and family members when they end up in hospitals. I put the dots together this week after visiting a friend last Saturday and then reading this blog. I know that touch isn't all about the patient. Nope. It's a connection thing for me too-feels like just about the only thing I can do for my friend, the patient. But it's a gift to me to have that hand accepted(even though the few times I've found myself in these situations, the patients were in such dire straights that they couldn't exactly push me away)as if they're saying "I care about you too."