finding common ground about what's real

There are different things that can all be real at once. When I'm working with people, I try to find realities we both can agree on- to find common ground.

Because if we can find common ground we won't feel as if we are adversaries- fighting against each other. We can feel we are on the same team- a much nicer, and more productive state!

Here's an example: say I'm working with Susan (totally random name- first thing I could come up with this morning...) who is significantly underweight and having a terrible time eating enough and not purging 2 times per day. So, we're talking, and I'm stating the obvious, that the way things are going isn't in her best interest. She's busy denying what I'm saying. We're getting nowhere. It's not fun for either of us.

It's true that it's real she's significantly underweight and that she's purging 2 times a day. AND, there are also other things that are simultaneously true- and I decide to focus on them for the moment. I say, "ok, let's see what else is true for you right now, because fighting about your weight is getting us nowhere. I think it's true that you feel scared and threatened. What do you think?" She gives me the look... but then she acknowledges that she is scared and feels threatened. And, by the way, she's majorly glad that I noticed this.

Yay for us!! We're now on common ground, working together on a common project- Susan's fear. We get to explore this fear and we come up with a bunch of helpful stuff, some of which has to do with why she's purging 2 times a day and having so much trouble eating. We got to where we needed to- dealing directly with the ED behaviors- and we also got to feel connected to each other and like we were partners. I'm not saying we changed Susan's weight or eating instantly. But, what we did do, was acknowledge a bunch of things that were real for her (we looked at things holistically, not solely focused on the narrow reality of the eating disordered behaviors).

Maybe the motto could be something like: look for common ground (realities you all can acknowledge are real) with those who care about you. And, try to notice everything that's real. And, everything that's real is worth exploring and acknowledging...
Ok, so that's 3 mottos... but that's ok, mottos are good :)

Comments

[Super Egg]

dude, far out!

[Lisa]

I like this idea. I hadn't considered it before though. But now I can see that there are some people in my life and treatment team who do this and some who do not. My dietitian is a good one-every week, before she passes judgment on what I have eaten, she spreads it out in front of me and asks what I see. Then from there we can talk together to come up with goals for me for the coming week. This way I don't feel like she is just telling me what to do all the time, and I'm more likely to follow her suggestions.

[PTC]

Wow, that's a very good plan. I felt like the third paragraph could have been written by my T about me (minus the purging and being very underweight). She and I could sit there and argue about my weight and how she thinks I'm "underweight" and I "need to gain weight" and how I don't want to or need to. Or we can find something to agree on and work on. Good pointer.

[Laura]

I feel like my therapist/nutritionist do this very well - the finding common ground thing. I just have a tendency to recoil into "just let me live my life" denial type of feelings. Earlier this week, for example, I was feeling strong dissatisfaction with myself, disappointment with myself, and I was also making a renewed commitment to more restriction. My nutritionist had e-mailed me asking how I was doing and if I was able to eat all my meals. I emailed her back a very honest email, expressing how I was feeling about myself and how frustrated I was that this was never ending and admitting that my eating had been restrictive in the last two days and was becoming more so. She called me the next day and helped pull me out of that place. The following days I had lunch/dinner meetings with people, plus got confronted by a friend, plus the nutritionist called every day. All of these things helped pull me out and get back to the place where I felt like I could connect with myself for long enough to get myself to a place where I was out of imminent danger of getting stuck in that restrictive place. So, today, when I had my appointment with her, she asked me "how severe did that feel?" and she asked me to remember how awful I felt and how scared and frustrated and terrible that all was. I mean, I knew I did feel bad. I knew I had written her an honest e-mail. I knew I had been more restrictive. But, now that I was out of that, I just felt like "oh, it wasn't that bad." So, unless I'm in a moment of crisis or something, I find it hard to identify what's real - b/c my feelings, thoughts, and behaviors change so easily.

I also guess I just sometimes feel like no one's aware of the positive changes that have been made in my behavior and thinking.

[Laura]

Maybe I should add (I do this a lot, add after I comment).... that I've been working with people for over 2 years now. After 1 year, I realized that only half admitting to a problem and never following advice was getting me no where. So I decided to committ to the process of "recovery" and do what I was supposed to do. so for the last year, I have held the meal plan as if it were a religious text. I've done my very best to eat it all even when I wasn't hungry and didn't see the point. I didn't know what the point of therapy was, but I listened and thought and participated anyway. And that helped me make a ton of progress. But now, I can't just follow blindly like that anymore. I need some more autonomy. And in my experiments with autonomy, I end up falling backwards. So I need some balance between total autonomy and blind follower of therapist/nutritionist. IF my nutritionist gives me a goal, I used to willingly agree. Now I think all goals are stupid. It's like "Why? Why would I randomly try to do that goal. I know how to feed myself. How about I make the goal of 'just eat normally.'"

Maybe it's that I'm just really sick of there being a problem that I don't want to work on anything anymore. It's like... isn't this over yet? Do we have to do more goals? If I admit to you that yes I'm scared, does that mean we have to work on it? Can't we all see that I know how I should think/behave and I agree that I want to do that and I'll just keep working on doing that on my own? I feel like I have a zillion tools in my toolbox now and I'm aware of what tools would help me when, sometimes I just don't feel like using a tool - it's just too much effort.

I sometimes wonder what would happen if I just quit therapy and nutritional counseling and just forgot I had an eating disorder and just tried to live fully. (Well, I already tried that a couple months ago and what happened was a level of restriction that I hadn't reached in quite a while).

I guess I sometimes just feel like talking about all of this gets in the way of happily living life.

Wendy, it was nice to see you comment in the last post that you live your life but still check (or checked) in with your dietitian every night and still woke up in the morning and thought about goals or a plan for the day. I easily fall into all-or-nothing thinking when it comes to recovery. I think "If I have to still check in every night and make a plan for every day, then ED stuff is taking over my life." I guess I never considered just seeing that as part of my life - a necessary part for now - but still trying to live the other parts of my life fully and happily. Lately I've been thinking things like, "Oh. Even normal healthy people do stop to ask the question ' When should I eat dinner tonight? What should I have?' I guess asking that question isn't annoying ED work; that's just human thought."

Super long comment over.

[Wendy]

I did what I did solely for my support team at first. I think I was so cheap that I thought if I was paying them to help me I would at least follow their advice. My therapist asked me one day if the goals we had were just her goals for me or were they my goals too. I did not answer her truthfully about that at that time. But I sure thought about it. Now I would say that the mature part of me is in an alliance with them and that I have adopted their goals and even a few times come up with a healthy goal myself. :) The disordered part still wants to do her own thing, but she is starting to accept some of the goals too. I remember two times that stand out as a movement in the right direction...both were stressful times. I was walking and praying and trying to figure out what I could do and the thoughts came to me that I could eat healthy, get plenty of rest, and share what was going on with a friend (instead of binging or restricting.) Another time my body image distortion was strong and I did the opposite of what I wanted to do and ate healthy, but also went to my closet and cleaned out the anorexic size of clothes I was secretly trying to get back into...I was proud of that one. Both times I surprised myself...but I realized by hearing healthy people's perspective on healthy goals over and over they have begun to become my own...don't get me wrong the unhealthy side is still raising its head...but part of me wants to fight it.

Johanna...I like this perspective!