tolerance

Yep, Courtney, we're definitely using definition #1.

Definition #2 works in some situations (I tolerate going to the dentist... for example- no offense to my dentist, he's a nice guy, but the whole potential cavity thing just freaks me out!), but definition #1 is how we want to use the word Tolerant in our work on ourselves.

Tolerance and things that go with it (such as: flexibility, compassion, patience, open-mindedness, perhaps even humor) are antidotes to that nasty Perfectionism thing (that comes along with things such as: rigidity, impatience, harshness, isolation, judgmentalness, narrow-mindedness...).

In fact, turns out these two things are a bit mutually exclusive- you can't really be tolerant and perfectionistic at the same time... interesting, isn't it :)

Comments

[Laura]

Then it is really worth it for me to work on the tolerance thing if you can't be perfectionistif and tolerant at the same time! I feel SO FAR from being able to be tolerant with myself though. I can't even imagine it. I feel like that's just letting myself get by with "not good enough." Am I really supposed to be tolerant of that?

[Laura]

I'm sorry I'm having such a hard time with this topic, but I have a question:

Why do we need tolerance? What is the point? Can't i instead just work on being a better person or being better at x, y, or z? Then i don't need to be tolerant!

I guess tolerance makes your self image better, and there is a point in doing that... Maybe you're more likely to improve or become a better person if your self image is better....

Maybe I should read the posts at normal hours of the day and I'd have less confused reactions?

[Super Egg]

i was taught that if you could not tolerate, you were worthless. and if this were to occur you were useless, and then powerless.

[wendy]

Laura, I struggled so much with the not good enough...then I began to ask myself questions like "Not good enough for what?" "Not good enough for whom?" One of the things I realized is I thought I would get good enough to get certain things or if I reached a certain point that I would start being happy, start living more, etc...so much wasted time. The not good enough for me was like being anorexic in that I would be happy if I lost 5 more lbs...then I got there and it was not so I lost five more and five more, etc. Now I try to set goals for personal growth. I still want to be a kinder, more compassionate, less sinful, more loving person, but I am becoming more content with growing in those areas. (And many others). By staying in the present and asking myself things questions like "how can I take care of myself?" "What can I do to show love to this person in this moment?" "What can I do to overcome this selfish thought in this moment?" It seems like when I stay more in the moment and not look at my whole life and try to grow one step at a time I do better and not living in the perfectionistic tendencies I have had for so long. So much of what I was trying to achieve through my tendencies was really not about me but the other people. If I am perfect enough they will love me, accept me, respect me, see me, affirm me...when they were as broken and incapable due to their own dysfunctions.

Laura, I appreciate your honest posts about the "good enough" as they reflect so much of me and how I lived for so long...I am still working on that part of myself, and your posts are helping me clarify what helps me...I can still very easily fall back into it.

I think the tolerance is more than just being tolerant of ourselves, but being tolerant of life as it is...imperfect, unpredictable, and with relating to other imperfect people who are struggling to grow.