people aren't random

Wendy, I'm glad you commented about your realization that your negative self-image served a purpose for you as a child.

What you say is a perfect illustration of how we human beings aren't random. We do things, think things, believe things, because they make sense to us in one or more ways. Your self-image (negative as it was) made sense to you, and, as you point out, served the purpose of seeming to protect you and organize your world view.

That things serve a purpose for us (and because of that, make sense to us) is why we become attached to thoughts, actions and beliefs, whether or not they are particularly "good" for us in a universal sense (eating disorder behaviors and thoughts processes are also examples of exactly this phenomenon, as you guys know).

And, Leanonme, for our work here, we can use self-esteem, self-concept and/or self-image pretty much interchangeably. There are people who have very specific definitions of what each of these are/might be, but for what we're working on here it's fine to use any of the terms. I tend to use self-image because to me it feels like that term captures the physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual aspects of us as human beings.

Whatever term we use, the fundamental fact is this: we become attached to whatever we have (Ok, so that isn't very gracefully put... but it's the truth, so cut me some slack...). As Wendy points out, we need our world to make sense and to figure out how we fit into it. So, we cling to our sense of who we are- whatever that sense is. 

The exercise here is to ask ourselves, whenever we get a chance (meaning- whenever we notice we're thinking, believing and/or acting in a way that 1. feels yucky or rigid or controlling or narrow-minded  2. people tell us is harmful to us or 3. seems very odd to us even though it feels familiar and makes sense "in a weird way), "what does my thought, behavior and/or belief mean to me? What makes it make sense to me? Where did I learn to think, believe or act this way? What purpose/s might it be serving?" (those are some sample questions- feel free to continue to add others of your own).

Some people are into "positive affirmations" and the idea of of telling ourselves positive things until we can learn to believe them. There's definitely a place for these, and many people find them helpful, including me sometimes. I also like the idea of questioning what we believe right at this moment (as opposed to trying to change it or telling ourselves something different). Because we aren't random, because what we do is purposeful and meaningful, I think we need to understand what the meanings and purposes are- it's in this understanding that we can then evaluate how accurate and productive and useful our thoughts, behaviors and beliefs really are.

Comments

[Courtney]

This makes some sense. The problem for me is changing these thoughts/ beliefs. I used to think of myself as a strong person but it seems like compared to the outside world I'm not strong at all.

You know how it's kind of cliche that parents tell their kids they can do whatever they want when they grow up. I used to just think that about myself but then my dad told me that wasn't true. He wasn't trying to be mean, he's just very realistic about things. I mean, I guess it's true that I could never grow up to be a dad for example (and yes, I did want to grow up to be a dad so it's not a totally random example).

The point though is that when my dad (or other people in my life) said stuff like that I didn't look at it in the realistic way. I took it to mean that I wouldn't be able to do what I thought I could and that I was a weak person.

Now it's like it's not really worth trying anymore since I know that I'm not actually as capable as I believed.

So if I ask myself your questions I know where I got my thoughts/ beliefs about myself and I know that doesn't really mesh with what I believe about myself but the good thoughts aren't the thoughts that win out in the end.

[Wendy]

In order for me to begin to loosen my grip on the negative thinking is that I had to accept that all people including me are a blend of strengths and weaknesses and that all people including me are growing people and be okay with that. That means loosening my grip on perfectionism. I had to look at why I developed that, because it contributed so much to the negative self image. It was funny I found several reasons I had developed perfectionism...it is funny it had logical (to me) reasons behind it. If I was perfect I did not get in trouble, push a parent to the point of leaving (they threatened divorce several time, didn't draw attention to myself from perps, sinned less (or so I thought), and avoided bad memories and feelings by focusing on everything in my world I was trying to control.

Johanna, in therapy we worked on the idea of what the voice of the disorder is trying to tell...and I realized that under the negative stuff are messages I need to take care of myself and for the first time I believed I really could overcome this disorder and not just white knuckle avoiding the behaviors if I can look for those messages and train that part of me to talk a different language...Thanks for talking about these two topics!