feeding the negative self-image

Why would we feel compelled to do things that reinforce horrible and inaccurate beliefs about ourselves?

Well, it's not because it's fun or entertaining to do so. In fact, it's pretty awful. But people with eating disorders (and assorted other people as well) do it anyway. And we know that as a group, they are smart, insightful, purposeful people. So, it must serve some purpose.

I'm not saying it's a rational purpose. But here's the purpose: over a period of time (through no fault of your own) you've become attached to your self-image, the one that's full of all that lousy stuff you guys think about yourselves (I'm lazy, fat, ugly, dumb, slow, weird...).

We all need to feel stable and feel like we know ourselves- and one major way we do that is to be attached to our self-image. We want to feel as if we are the same person all the time, and being attached to our self-image gives this stability. This works our just swell if our self-image is accurate and positive. No problem at all. We get to feel basically ok about ourselves, basically fond of ourselves, basically glad about who we are... But if our self-image is negative and inaccurate... big problem. 

But just because our attachment to our negative, inaccurate self-image causes us grief and misery doesn't mean we're able to change it or give it up. We've still become attached and dependent upon that self-image to "tell us who we are" and to give us "guidance" and "structure" (an enduring sense of what to do with ourselves, how to run our lives, how to view ourselves and our place in the world).  

Our attachment to our self-image is self-perpetuating, whether it's positive or negative, and we are protective of this image (since it provides us with structure and security). We regularly do things that reinforce the self-image, so if we have a positive self-image we do things that perpetuate the positiveness, and if we have a negative self-image we do things that perpetuate the negativeness.

At the end of the day we all want/need to feel safe, stable and secure (feeling good, happy, calm... these are secondary to feeling safe, stable and secure) and we will go to great lengths to make things feel consistent. 

This was a bit of a long stab at an explanation. And it's been a bit of a long day. So, I hope it makes some sense. As always, please ask questions if you have any!

Comments

[Laura]

That makes sense - especially the part about how we do things to reinforce our self image. I see this in lots of different situations.

Sometimes when I'm running and feel myself getting tired, I say "I am an athlete" to myself and, immediately, I think "Well, athletes run even when they're tired." And so I keep going.

Right now, I could say "I am a person who closes the computer and goes to bed at a normal hour" and I'd probably be more likely to do that.... hmm....

Or, when I had a problem with bingeing (a result of restricting), I would always think "I never have any control over myself," which would just make me more likely to binge b/c I'd be "proving myself right."

I can see this "image" working (against me) in favor of restricting too actually.

Hm, I'm sure if I thought about it I could find some instances of this reinforcing healthy, good behavior - but I sure find lots of instances of it reinforcing not so healthy or helpful behavior (over working, not resting, not eating enough, exercising a lot, bingeing, not being open about 'problems' to people, only showing happy/excited emotions......)

Well, time to "redefine myself" okay, back to the drawing board.

I'll start with: "I am a person who GOES TO BED ON TIME." Oh, I better go to bed on time! That would be "in line" with my identity.

Night!

[Ann]

speaking of feeling safe. I've been in vancouver on vacation visiting friends. I leave for the airport in less than 4 hours and my friend that was going to take me to the airport texts me the number to the cab company and says sorry don't think I'll wake up. I just spent all of my canadian dollars yesterday b/c I knew she was taking me to the airport. Now at quarter till 3am I have to figure out how to get to an ATM and feel safe about getting there and back to where I'm staying before I leave for the airport. Definitely not going to get anymore sleep tonight. and not going to feel safe until I get to the airport :(

Also, about reinforcing the neg self image, totally get that I do it all the time. I've been doing it all week. And Laura, you're not the only one that does the running thing. I did it the other day. I'm not suppose to run bc of my torn ACL, but everyone here's been running or cycling and I really wanted to so I went for a run. I ended up running just over 6 miles. I wouldn't let myself stop until I got back to my starting point. I was in so much pain, it was not a smart move yet I kept telling myself that I could beat the pain, that I could ignore it. Pain's one of those things that makes me feel in control. If I can feel pain and not react to it then I feel better about myself some how. I even got a tattoo yesterday just because I wanted to see if I could take the pain without flinching or reacting to it. Feeling like my brain wires are crossed or something.

[leanonme]

Joanna,
Is our sense on self, and self image one in the same? Or is it that if we have No sense of self we create a self image that suits our surroundings and creates a forum of safety for us? I would imagine that in seeking safety; as you are talking about we find that we need to look outside ourselve to see what it is that we need to do or be. Much like the chomeleon effect you had describe in an earlier post.That is ,if we have No sense of self.

I guess that a healthy self image is developed from an early age.( if you are on of the lucky ones)But does that come from your innate sense of self or from your surroundings? Ie: family, peers, friends? Im just wondering why some of us use unhealthy behavior and some dont.

Thanks for the insight answers to all our questions. It is so helpful. I love this Blog :)

[Wendy]

As I was reading your post Johanna, I realized for me the negative self-image as a kid did serve a purpose...it was easier and less scary to think there was something defective or wrong with me than those around me who hurt me cause if I figured out what it was then I could fix it, where as I could not fix others to get what I needed or wanted. The consistency part makes sense now, cause I don't like imperfection and inconsistancy in myself...so if I can allow myself to be human...a blend of strengths and weaknesses and a growing person I do not need te disorder to feed my belief about who I am....it is so easy in words...harder in life. :)