expectations

Expectations are funny things.

They can be helpful (as in, they can guide us and provide us with a plan and some goals) but they can also be damaging and frustrating (as in the ways that Laura was commenting about).

The guy that invented expectations (let's just say it was some guy, so I can skip the whole he she thing- and I kind of doubt anyone suddenly invented the idea of expectations anyway) had something very simple in mind. Something useful, like a way for us to know what can/will reasonably happen in particular circumstances. For example, I can expect that if I get myself out of bed at 7am, I'll be ready to walk out the door for work at 8am. Now, nine times out of ten that's exactly what happens (assuming I get myself out of bed at 7, which is always a questionable proposition at best- and if I don't get myself out of bed by 7 I can't automatically expect I'll be ready to walk out the door by 8). And once in awhile something runs amok and even though I got myself out of bed at 7, I still am not ready to go by 8. But, it's reasonable to assume that all things being equal, an hour is plenty of time for me to get ready to leave the house.

You can see how this is helpful, right? I can use this expectation in the rest of my life (it "generalizes" to many/all areas of my life). I now know the magic amount of time I need to factor in to get ready- about an hour. So, say I'm having lunch with the Theodore Roosevelt (nice fantasy, I know). I don't have to worry about when to start getting ready, I just back up one hour from when I plan to leave to meet him. Pretty cool.

Now, the problem happens when we confuse wishes/hopes/fantasies/etc with expectations. Here's an example of that: say I want to run a mile really fast (nice fantasy, I know...). In high school I could run 6 minute miles, and that was a reasonable expectation at that time (and that's not nearly as fast as many people run, but that's as fast as my body's ever been built to run- and our expectations need to be tailored to us as individuals- doesn't matter what someone else is doing or should expect of themselves). That is categorically not, I repeat, not, a reasonable expectation for me now. It might be a hope, wish, a fantasy, and that's fine- I can wish all I want. But if I hold running a 6 minute mile as an expectation, I'm in trouble. I'm going to be chronically frustrated and disappointed (and feel lousy about myself probably, because I'm failing to meet my expectation). I might even injure myself, or at the least, wear myself out, trying to meet this impossible expectation. 

I need to adjust my expectation to the current reality. That doesn't mean I have to love the current reality, or even like it. I might like it, I might not... I do, however, have to accept it (if I don't want to chronically be beating myself up about failing).

When we're coming up with expectations we need to use our best scrupulously honest skills. We need to try hard to differentiate between what we wish was real and what is in fact real.

The next topic is "others' expectations for us" and that's too long for this post so it'll have to wait. 

BTW, Wendy, you're inclination to instantly block the idea that you could be a gift to your therapist is another example of how you guys perpetuate and reinforce that negative self-image. Your first thoughts were something like: oh, couldn't be true, how could I be a gift to her? She should use my hour to see someone she'd like better or who'd be a better or nicer person... 

So, when you guys entertain that I might be telling the truth about you being gifts to us therapists and other people who care about you, you're taking a step toward revising and correcting that self-image!

Bring on the llamas!!! Kidding... I really, really do want some, but I'd get in SO much trouble with my neighbors :)

Comments

[bambi413]

This is so relevant to me right now! I'm really trying to work on expecting practical, do-able things for myself right now, instead of getting frustrated when I cannot do the unattainable. I think that's where my perfectionistic thinking gets in the way most. Thanks, Johanna! (btw, hi again everyone! havent been on in awhile :P )

[wendy]

I actually liked myself this week! :)