In my part of the world it's summer now, and a predictable summertime ritual at work is for me to have the "swimsuit conversation" about 754 times.

Many of you know some version of the "swimsuit conversation." It goes something like this:

Very intelligent, and otherwise reasonable human being who happens to be sitting in my office: "I can't wear a swimsuit until I have a perfect body"

Johanna: Who says? And why?

Client: (looking at me like I'm a complete idiot) Because I'm fat.

Johanna: Well, I think evidence has demonstrated that you are not, and aside from that fact, who says everyone shouldn't get to wear a bathing suit if they feel like it? Really, what law says body size has anything to do with wearing a swimsuit? Show me the law...

Client: (now looking quite exasperated and often rolling her eyes) Because that's not the way it is.

And on it goes for awhile. There's no "winning" this discussion. Neither of us has a real chance at getting much of anywhere. But the thing I find interesting about this discussion is that, like eating disorders themselves, it's only a little about the bathing suit itself- and a whole lot about life and the person's relationship to it.

I do have to say this: I am perfectly aware that swimsuits can be contentious things in our society. I really do get that. I also really get how our culture idealizes thinness and demonizes bigness. And we all face that awful pressure, and a lot of us often end up feeling pretty crappy. And it's just plain wrong. Just plain wrong.

Aside from that awful and unfortunate reality though, the hidden message in the "swimsuit conversation" is this: I can't have a life until I'm perfect.

Think how many times this message floats around- whether consciously or less consciously, explicit or a bit hidden. "I'll can go out and make friends when I've lost enough weight" "I'll can go on that vacation I've always wanted to once I've gotten thin enough" "All my problems will go away once I'm thin"

You know all these statements, and probably many more.

It's such a trap. The idea that we aren't allowed to have a life (to proceed in/with our lives) until we have achieved perfection is so wrong, so limiting, and so demoralizing.

Hey, it makes a pretty good Bumper Sticker: "We Get to Have a Life. Period"

No qualifying it with "I get to have a life when I've achieved..."

Nope. Just: Period, we all get to have a life, right here right now.

Comments

[Super Egg]

well at least we get to wear a swimsuit. what if we lived in a nude society? man i don't even want to think about applying sunscreen if that were the case. and yeah we all "should" have a life johanna. but our lifespan may not be long enough for us to actually see that. maybe next time around i always say.

[Ann]

I just wanted to share something. First, I had the best session with my T, sadly we only have 3 sessions left together :( I'm going to really miss her.

Anyways, I've not smiled so much in I don't know how long its been seems like forever. I couldn't stop smiling in session, it was crazy. It was like I was a different person for at least that one hour and I really enjoyed that person. My T called our session today a celebration session, haha. I took in all of my blogs and lists I'd made in the past week. She wanted me to make a list everyday of steps I took toward being healthy. I made a few of them and I shared each of them with her. It was awesome hearing the feed back and realizing that I am actually starting to recognize some of my progress. I also shared with her how I am starting to distinguish my voice from Ed's voice. And I've noticed a few things that I need (that is a huge step for me). I really appreciate everyone who participates in this blog, you all truly touch me and are making an impact on my life. And in this moment I'm really looking forward to LIVING my Life :)

Thanks Johanna for being so Awesome!!!

[wendy]

I can so relate to the swimsuit discussion in that I have it in my head quite frequently. But, the crux, is as Johanna says that I thought I could not live until I was perfect. I have been both anorexic and obese. I remember not wanting to go on vacation and visit family when I was obese, but oddly enough when I lost the weight I still thought I was fact and would not go. When I kinda of thought I wasn't fat as I moved back towards anorexia I could not do those things, because I might gain weight. For me it isn't really about the body size, but what I avoide really dealing with by believing I was or by believing I need to become perfect first, not just with body size either.

Way to go Ann in recognizing your growth...sorry you only have a couple more sessions with that therapist.

[PTC]

I thought I posted but I guess it didn't work. I actually find jeans shopping to be more triggering for me than bikini shopping. Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe some of that has to do with the fact that I am short so the inability to find a pair of jeans short enough gets me mad, and then I see my butt and thighs and get enraged. I don't think the mirrors and lighting in dressing rooms help.

I would love to understand how the whole "distorted body image" thing actually works. I "get" it, but I don't get it. I don't understand how what I see is not really what's there. It makes no sense, yet when someone says to me that they're "fat" or whatever and I can clearly see that they are not, I can see how they have a distorted perception. I just don't get it. And how can I look at a picture and not see what's really there? Pictures don't lie.