Leanonme, you write that you're in the middle of adjusting to a relationship that can't be what you want or need it to be. And I remember your comment from last week about having had to do that with your mom also.

Your comment regarding your mom acknowledged that when you were able to let go of what you had really hoped and wished for in the relationship, you were, in addition to being sad and disappointed, able to find and accept the things this relationship could actually offer.

Although it's easier to look for those things the farther away from still wishing and wanting what can't be, I encourage you to begin looking for them even now in this other relationship. Even though you're still very much in process of accepting its limitations.

We tend to have preconceived notions of what we want relationships to be (some of this is dictated by what society says relationships should be- and society is indeed correct about some of that). It is a challenge to keep ourselves open-minded and (of course) be scrupulously honest about what the nature of the relationship is. Being scrupulously honest gets a bad rap sometimes because when we are that honest we often are faced with things that are hard to deal with. But being scrupulously honest also allows us to see or discover things we might have missed if we weren't paying such close attention.

Despite the pain of acknowledging what this relationship of yours can't be, perhaps, as an exercise, you could try (in your head or on paper or whatever...) to let yourself observe it from that scrupulously honest place and see if you come up with any ways the relationship can have connection or commonality or any of the things you want.

Remember, these things may not look exactly like you thought they would, so keep your eyes open! 

Comments

[Ann]

Scrupulously honest. . . what a heavy phrase. I feel like this is a major area I need to work on. I struggle with not being honest with myself. If I skip a meal or two, I lie to myself and say there's nothing wrong, it's just a meal and you weren't even hungry. I've lost X amount of weight over the past month and I lie to myself about how it occurred. I feel like sometimes I let life move by so fast that I never have or take a moment to sit, relax and be scrupulously honest with myself. I think this is something I really need to work on in order to get to recovery.

[PTC]

I think "scrupulously honest" is your key phrase for the month.

[leanonme]

Johanna,
thank you for reminding me to look for the things that i can find in this particular relationship. I think that sometimes the pain and sorrow blind me from the good and i really do need to try to see it for what it is and not for what i wish it could be. Such a challenge to stay scrupulously honest with myself when it does make me feel so sad.
So here is the plan:
for now since i am just entering this challenge I have arived where i need to be, have taken this 30min for myself. Coming here, sitting by myself and trying to just settle and feel present with myself. After this the encounter with this person,or people and i am going to try to be scrupulously honest oh ya and not chamilion like:) How is that for taking you up on your amazing tools? Thanks
Anyone else up for this relationship project with me? Find who it is or what it is you need to face and lets do it together. YOU IN?

[runforjoy]

I'm in!
I'm actually working on this with my therapist right now. She had me make a list of all my needs (I felt so high-maintenance when I listed them all out!) So I'm guessing the next step might be to figure out how I can meet each of those needs for myself. My family can't meet the needs that I wish they could (and seems like families should), but as I'm coming to terms with that, it doesn't mean I have to live without those needs met at all. And I'm seeing that maybe my family can meet some of those needs, but they need help to do so-like me telling them explicitly what I need or scheduling lunch together or something where we really can stop and listen to each other.
Leanonme, I wish you even more than luck in facing your relationship project!

[leanonme]

Runforjoy,
thanks for the support. I was thinking about you actually this morning when i was out for my run it just past my mind "RUNFORJOY" so i tryed to take it as a sign, and i did run for JOY. :). Im glad you joined the project. Good luck working on this. I know when i make list they sometimes become overwhelming and feel like im taking up too much space so what i did with aproject similar to this is write them each out on a small piece of paper, individually and draw one each day to focus on. Just a thought but it was easier for me that way.
I will keep you posted on my next challenge for the day .Same people different function. Last night went better than expected.Thanks