I've said it before, and I'll say it again (probably many, many times): you guys rock. I absolutely love how you support each other. What a fabulous community you've created here.

Instead of a Bumper Sticker this week I'm going to go back to that one a couple of Sundays ago: Good enough is enough. Before I went away I said I'd return to it for further commentary.

First though, want to say in response to Ann's question- if it's perfectionistic thinking to wonder about why a really good day can be followed by not so good ones. Here's the deal I think: we can wish, hope for, want, and/or fantasize about having every day be exactly what we'd like it to be- none of these are perfectionistic. If we EXPECT every day to be exactly what we think it should, that is perfectionistic. And that applies to life in general, not only to eating disorders and recovery from them. Life (at least in my experience) is SO like that- we have some good days, some ok days, some that totally suck, others that we can't even believe we're lucky enough to get to have... the whole range of things. We can strive to create good days. As Laura points out, we can put ourselves in situations or design our days in ways that have a good chance of making it a good day. But we can't control everything- and it's perfectionistic to think we can or should. 

"Good enough" is, of course, about perfectionistic thinking also. It's a big topic, so I'm going to start with a couple of thoughts and you guys are going to tell me what else you want me to comment on (or, you know me... I'll come up with more things I want to say even on my own!).

A long time ago I was working with a client who was a gifted crafts artist. She made all kinds of things and totally amazed me each time she brought something in that she'd just completed. At one point, a friend of hers asked her to create some invitations for a wedding shower. The request was a mixed bag for my client- she was honored and happy to have been asked, and simultaneously panicked at the thought that she'd "never be able to make anything good enough" to be sent out to the invitees. 

As you can imagine, the invitations gave us a huge opportunity to explore this good enough idea. I asked my client to bring in the plans or prototype as soon as she had one ready. She did in a couple of weeks. I almost fell off my chair because the invitation was astonishing- beautifully crafted, attention paid to every single possible detail. I asked her how long it took her to create this one invitation- 8 hours. Now, this woman works full time, has many other commitments to fulfill, AND there were about 50 people being invited to this shower. I just stared at her and didn't say a thing. Then I gave her my best "really?" look... "really, you think it's truly necessary for you to work that hard on every single invitation? something that many people won't look at more than a few times and will often end up in the recycle bin? really?" 

Her first words to me: but I have to.

Me: Why do you have to?

Her: Because, otherwise it's not good enough.

Me: Ok, well, truthfully, after 8 hours of work, looking at it now, is it good enough?

long pause...

Her: well, no.

This got her my best eye-rolling look.

We worked for weeks on this- and not one second was a waste of time. She learned so much about herself in these weeks- how ridiculously hard on herself she was, how outrageous (and unfulfillable) her expectations of herself were, how rigid her thinking was... Wow, did she have a good look at herself.

We also worked to come up with a plan (especially since she wasn't even wholly satisfied with the product after 8 hours of work) for how to cut down the time involved and still come up with an invitation that she could honestly feel ok about.

The next prototype took her about 4 hours, and I thought it looked terrific. She noticed differences in details, and I could see her point (barely... barely, if I strained to look like with a microscope or something!). She also could acknowledge though that she was far less exhausted by this try than the first, and that if she was honest, the invitation still looked very, very nice.

We kept working at this. The final product ended up taking her about an hour per invitation to do. They came out wonderfully- she later told me that virtually everyone who received one commented to her on their beauty and her talent!

So, was the final product "good enough?"

My client says: YES. Given all the variables: the time, effort, energy she had available to put into the project, combined with what was truly needed as a finished product, she felt awfully good about the work she'd done- and the agony and stress she got to avoid by not doing it her usual way.

Now, there's an example of a "subjective" situation, by which I mean that there wasn't a clear-cut, objective standard for what the invitations had to look like or how much time was demanded by her friend to be put into the project. Many situations are like this one- and therefore WE have to decide for ourselves what is good enough. 

Here's a quick example of a concrete, clear cut-off of what's good enough and what isn't. My optometrist told me (out of the blue, mind you, not because I had asked) a couple of years ago that I'd never be accepted into the Air Force as a pilot because my depth perception wasn't good enough. Apparently, my depth perception is just fine, but not REALLY, really good, which is what they want for pilots (and a darn good idea, if you ask me!). When he did his little tests, I came up short by however many notches. Joining the the Air Force to be a pilot hadn't ever seriously occurred to me (those cockpits just seem WAY too small and I'm a bit claustrophobic, so I thought it'd be better to stay away from them- I think Air Force pilots and Air Force everyone else are pretty amazing- I'm just not cut out for it), but when he told me i simply couldn't I was suddenly pretty incensed about the whole thing! Oh yeah, then I remembered that what I really love to do is be a therapist and that was pretty much the end of it. 

So, there are a couple different examples of the idea of "good enough." You know where you guys will get into trouble is the judgement, morality, good person/bad person thing. And that's where we'll have to do some work. For instance, it didn't mean my client was any less good a person because she elected to spend one hour on each invitation instead of 8! And it doesn't mean I'm any less decent of a person because I have average depth perception instead of exceptional... 

I bet many of you will have the instant reaction that my client should have gone to the wall- no matter what it took- to make those invitations perfect. Even if you don't think you should believe that thought, I bet it will get to you a bit, a little part of you thinking, "well, if I were in that situation, I think I'd feel I have to spend the 8 hours..."

Actually, this does bring us to a Bumper Sticker of The Week, and one of my favorites, at that: Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Try that one on for size! And more examples and thoughts about good enough tomorrow.

Comments

[Super Egg]

johanna i love reading about what you think is good enough. certainly refreshing to take in your perspective. i have a bummer response though, which is that i know in my heart i just can't be good enough. and my therapist is right in that she often says i was not born this way. not much i can really do about it now though. and, not for lack of hard work to try to change it.

[PTC]

I loved the invitation example.

One big question that I don't think anyone can answer, how come some of us have that perfectionistic way of thinking while so many other don't? It can be so annoying!

I hope you have a great Memorial Day.

[Ann]

I can relate so well to the client with the invitations. I'm an artist and anytime I do a piece for someone, I'm never satisfied with it. I always think I can do better, therefore it is never good enough. My T and I just talked about this last week. She was saying that I need to look at myself when I use good enough, and ask am I looking for good or perfect. She said I'm confusing the two. I can see this. She wants me to rephrase, so when she asks is that good enough, instead of say well NO, I can always do better/improve/do more. To say I know there's always room for improvement, but ......

Its so hard for me to say I did a "good" job on something. Even in the example in the last paragraph, I couldn't finish the sentence b/c i couldn't say that something I did was good. Why is it so hard? Its like my brain won't allow me to think that way. Every time this topic comes up in therapy, when Gina asks did you do a good job or something that would be a compliment about myself I can't bring myself to say anything good. All my thoughts go straight to the negative. How do I change these thoughts? Right now I'm working on acknowledging things that I've done and making a list, not necessarily things I feel I've done well or good, just things I've done or accomplished. Apparently I'm really bad at doing that as well.

Thanks for all the insight, its really helping me think more.

By the way, Thanks for all the support, again! I love that I can share here, it really helps me clear my mind. Before I found this blog, I would suffer with all the words/thoughts in my head and that would lead to ED coping skills instead of healthy ones or none at all. So, THANK YOU!!!