Here's the thing about the circle exercise: it has to be what really is; it can't be what we wish it could be.

Actually, it might be a worthwhile exercise to make a "wish circle chart" where we put people/relationships where we'd really like them to be on the circle. That kind of chart would give us a chance to ask ourselves what, if anything, we could do to get those relationships to the circle we wish they were in.

But when we are making a circle chart (not a "wish" circle chart) our job is to be scrupulously honest. (It's important to note that all of us get to define the characteristics/criteria of/for each circle, and that we might each define the circles a bit differently. In general, though, the more inner the circle the more truthful,vulnerable, honest the relationship is.)

For instance, Runforjoy, you may wish your mother could be in the innermost circle; whether the relationship with her truly meets the criteria for residing there is another matter. Only you can assess where that particular relationship sits on the chart, and, if it doesn't sit where you want it to, whether there are any changes that can be made to move it to where you'd most like it to be (sometimes we can make changes, sometimes there's nothing we can do- in relationships like those we talk about on this blog it generally takes both parties to effect change).

The circle chart ends up being illustrative and helpful. It also can be illustrative and evoke sadness, disappointment and/or grief. I tend to think the helpfulness of it creating it outweighs any potential discomfort that come as a result. 

Comments

[Super Egg]

oh. and to think i was having a blast just drawing circles. doh! a circle was my 3 year old's very first shape she could draw and recognize. ok, i will try to be more serious. ;=)

[runforjoy]

Wow. I was actually talking with my therapist about this today, about how I just cannot get the closeness I want from my relationship with my mom. She just isn't in a place (of emotional health) where she can give me what I need, so I need to find it in other ways. I've been really down all night thinking about it because I really am sad, disappointed, and grieving the relationship I want but can't have. I think my therapist's point was that I have to accept my family for what it is and what it is not and stop letting myself be hurt when they cannot live up to my expectations. But it is really painful and I feel like I'm mourning and so dreadfully alone. I feel like the truth hit me harder than I was ready for, like a wave in the ocean that knocks me over.

[leanonme]

Runforjoy, Im so sorry for your realization that your family can not meet you where you need. It is a terrible loss to say the least. I do know that when i realized this about my own relationship with my mom i could begin to see the relationship with her for what it "CAN" be. Its not all i would long for but i began to realize the things where she could be there for me. I am finding other relationships that are healthy and can meet the needs i have. Those inner circle relationships i define as being those where i can be ;well " just me" I am very grateful for those people i can securly place in my most inner vortex.They are rare and most cherrished.Hope this helps you feel not so alone in your experience.

[Laura]

Upon thinking about this, I think I might keep people out of my "inner circle." I don't really want to do that. I don't know really why I do that -- maybe b/c I don't want to have to tell people my needs. And I feel like, if someone's in your inner circle, then you are able to tell them your needs. And I don't know if I am able to tell ppl my needs right now. I'm so tired right now and am having trouble being articulate...

[Ann]

Ok, not about the topic at hand, however I'm struggling and don't know where to turn.

Since I've moved in with my parents, I've had a major backslide. I feel like I've lost months worth of work. In the past 2 - 3 weeks I've dropped quite a bit of weight, which is pretty unusual for me. I can't seem to get back on my goal intake for each day. Its especially hard if my parents are home with me or I'm alone. If I'm at my best friend's house, I'm much better. I'm so lost right now. Every day that I continue to backslide I feel worse about myself and my self-hatred increases, I start thinking I'm a terrible person and I don't deserve things(like food or friends or a good job or good things). What happened to the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm totally in the dark, ED has taken my hope away.