Couple of things tonight.

First, Runforjoy, we can't choose how we feel about something. What we feel is what we feel. So, the object in your case isn't to pretend you aren't hurt by limitations in the relationships with your family- of course it hurts when we can't have what we need and want. We don't have any control (nor are we supposed to) over what we feel.

We do, however, have power and control with regard to what we expect and how we prepare ourselves for situations. Where you can work is to adjust your hopes and expectations so they are realistic to the circumstances. I know it is hard and sad to accept what's real sometimes; but if you can work to do this regarding your relationships with your family you will be able to  be clearer with yourself about what you need and how to achieve it.

Ok, now, second, Ann's situation. I'm sorry it is so rough. At the least, I hope you feel some support from all of us here. I also have a couple of ideas for you to think about. For one thing, (and this is the same idea as what I wrote above) it's going to be really important to adjust your expectations of your recovery so they are reasonable. It's imperative that you don't hold the same expectations you did for yourself that you did a month ago, before the move. 

One way to do this is to make a list of what's truly possible. And you have to be scrupulously honest. If it's helpful, you can make a comparison list- what was reasonable before the move and what is reasonable after the move, at least at for now. 

It may be that for now, what's reasonable is to make it through the day, to try to reach out to people who understand (as you did by writing on the blog), and to work towards not letting the eating disorder behaviors become too intense. These may seem like small goals, but if they turn out to be realistic (and I'm not saying they are- only you can determine what the answer is for you) it would be a mistake to ignore them. 

This is also a chance to practice non-perfectionism: the success here is to tell yourself the truth, to work toward not getting isolated, trying to eat as well as you can. Doing the best you can is the success, not being perfect, not keeping your recovery exactly where it was before the move or progressing at the same rate you were before the move.

Hang in there, and keep asking for support and telling your truth. Isolation is so damaging, and we want to avoid it at all costs.

Comments

[PTC]

What happens when you hate feelings? Oh right, I guess you develop and eating disorder. I think that one finally clicked with me when I read the first paragraph. I don't think I "got" an ED b/c I hate feelings, but I guess it helps. I feel like no one should see if I'm sad, unhappy, mad, etc. I hide them all, especially from my parents, the people I should be able to be most myself with. Ugh...feelings.

[Laura]

This is a good reminder about expectations and the importance of avoiding isolation and also about setting realistic, small, concrete goals regarding what you can realistically do every day to stay as peaceful, happy, and healthy as possible. Thank you.

Ann (and anyone reading this who is also struggling today), I'm thinking of you and hoping you can find a way to be on your own side today, to do things that will make you feel alive and calm, and to take everything moment by moment - each moment separate from the one before and the one after.

[runforjoy]

I really appreciate the opportunity to be honest about how I was feeling here. And leanonme, your words were really comforting too, and they did make me feel less alone.

I don't like the whole not being able to choose how I feel, because sitting with the really heavy feelings that I've used the ED to numb for years is almost unbearable sometimes. And yet I'm really proud of myself now for surviving the sadness! Yesterday morning, the disappointed, lonely feeling was just too much and I decided I needed to numb it, either with restricting or self harm. I was considering calling my therapist to tell her I just couldn't take it anymore, and I remembered that she said I could call her but the idea was to eventually be able to use other ways to cope. And that is what I ended up doing! I texted a bunch of friends from college (about light, fun stuff), called a friend and talked honestly for an hour, went out to lunch with my mom and told her why I am so upset, and spent the night with friends talking around a campfire. Instead of numbing out, I survived the feeling I thought was impossible. I also saw the levels of the circle in play. I shared different amounts of myself and what I was feeling with different people. The friend with whom I was most honest at one point told me it was a huge accomplishment that I was feeling so down and so far not using any eating disorder behaviors. I just acknowledged it then, but now I see that it really is true and I'm pretty excited about that progress!

[leanonme]

Great job Runforjoy, Its amazing how you took the tools and put them to use right away. And also could acknowlege how proud you were that you did just that with good results. Im impressed:)

[Ann]

That's AWESOME runforjoy!! Congrats!

I'm also very thankful for this blog and how I can be me, honestly and not the pretend me I show most of the world. Today for the first time in about a month, I had three meals. After I had supper tonight, with some amazing old friends, I felt satisfied. Not hungry, no stomach ache, no ED voice screaming in my ear. It was so nice. I would love it if every meal was that way. I wrote the list this morning and found it helpful. I've been trying something my T suggested I do too, not cleaning up my parents and sister's mess. Its not my responsibility and I don't need to feel obligated to do it. I worked most of the day today and then I spent the entire night with friends. Last night I spent most of it with friends. I think this is going to play a big role in my recovery right now, in fact it's on my list.

The part where you wrote "It's imperative that you don't hold the same expectations you did for yourself that you did a month ago, before the move." really hit me hard. This is something I really needed to hear. I really beat myself up for not being in full recovery quick enough, which ends up making my backslide even worse.

Thanks Johanna!!

I think today was a pretty good day and a step toward recovery. I just hope I can keep it up, I'm applying for a full-time teaching position (my first one) and I've got a lot of stuff to get done in a short amount of time. I'm pretty stressed out with everything I need to get done. In order to try to not fall harder into my ED, I'm going to try to stay away from the negativity in my parents' house and instead surround myself with people/friends that are positive and full of love. At least that's the goal, and to remember that I'm successful if I try not if I do it perfectly! That's one I really need to work on.

[Laura]

I am so happy to read these comments tonight! Ann and Runforjoy, it seems like both of you were able to stay connected with people and do something that satisfied your own very important needs. You can't see it, but I'm smiling big time for you guys :)

[wendy mahill]

I agree with Laura...it is so good to celebrate the victories That Ann and Runforoy had in staying connected...that is very huge!

[runforjoy]

Thanks everyone! And Ann, I'm SO glad it was a really good day for you too and we can both celebrate together! I'm sending you a big hug via internet air-mail! I know how exciting it is to have that rare meal when the ED voice isn't there, or is so much quieter, and it feels SO refreshing. It is a little glimps of what we are working towards for the future. And while people without EDs might not even think about it, we know what a huge victory it is for us and we get to celebrate and appreciate the moment even more! Way to go!

[Ann]

Runforjoy, I'm sending you a hug right back :) Thanks, and I'm happy we get to celebrate together as well! Thank you everyone for all of your support, it means so much to me.

[Ann]

so, is it unreasonable or perfectionistic thinking to wonder why one day can be so good and full of progress and the next day be so depressing with no progress. Is that normal? Does this happen to everyone, is it ridiculous for me to be upset about it. Maybe I'm focusing on the wrong thing. This is so frustrating, I know this is a journey and not a sprint, maybe I need to keep reminding myself of this over and over again. I just wish once the good moment is here it wouldn't leave. I think I need to go make a new list.

[runforjoy]

Hm. In my experience, it is pretty normal to have a bad moment/day/week follow a good moment/day/week. Sometimes I even get afraid when things are going really well because a hard moment always seems to follow right on its heals. But a hard day doesn't mean the good day didn't exist, wasn't wonderful, or cannot happen again. The memory of the good day is something I can hold to as hope in the midst of a hard time, because I know it is possible and I can remind myself that the hard time won't last forever, even if it seems like it will. Keep pressing on, doing the little things you can in each moment and being gentle with yourself.

[Laura]

Yeah, I think it is unreasonable to expect that you'll never have depressing days that feel like no progress is being made - and to expect that a great day means that "you're done" and all the rest of the days will now be great too.

It has been my experience that I'll have a moment/day/week/weeks where I feel less "bullied" by food, where I feel more on track, more confident, and more connected and alive - more on top of my game. Following that, I'll suddenly feel very off track, very "in a haze," very not myself, and care a lot more about following food rules. The switch can happen so suddenly. It is so easy to lose persepctive and feel like the 'good times' are gone forever. But they aren't gone forever. There are more to come.

The question is, how do you speed up the process of getting the "good times" to come back faster and at the same time not be all urgent and panicky and drill-seargenty to yourself? I mean, how do you push yourself in the right direction and also treat yourself gently? That - I think - is the goal even though it's hard to do.

It's been helpful for me to know what things make me feel 'back on track' and 'back to myself.' Usually, these things are things that are consistently in my life when I am having a healthy/good streak. For me, they are things like exercise, spending time daily (on phone/in person) with friends, being in bed with a book by 9:30 and not lingering in the living room, eating 3 meals a day and 1-2 snacks that are on my meal plan, saying helpful cognitive statements to myself, frequently checking in with my RD, choosing to see challenges as opportunities for progress, taking time to relax every day. For the purposes of this comment, I'll call these behaviors that help me stay healthy, on track, and happy 'x, y,' and z' since they are different for everyone.

Sometimes, I have a difficult time pulling myself out of a "regression." And I have to reach out to my T or my RD and use that life line. And, sometimes, it's not so easy to just pop out of a regression, even with lots of support. That's when your x, y, and z come in. What I've noticed recently is that I have to just tell myself, "Okay, you feel so, so, so off track right now. You feel like you're back to the starting line... like all progress has been erased. You feel very body conscious and unalive. You know - intellectually - that the only way to feel back to yourself and back to being on track is to do x, y, and z. I know you really don't want to do x, y, and z because emotionally that doesn't feel right. But you just have to just do x even thought it feels wrong. Then, after you've done x, you have to just do y. Even if it's not enjoyable. Even if you don't think it's working. You just have to force yourself to do x, y, and z today." Pushing yourself - forcing yourself - to do x, y, and z - even when it's going against everything that seems right at the moment is just a must.

But here's the catch: sometimes doing x, y, and z don't start positively affecting me for a few days. So, sometimes I'll be doing x, y, and z and STILL feel off and behave somewhat unhealthily. But, around day 4, it starts to pay off. So you have to ride it out. Keep doing x, y, and z even when you don't see payoffs. DON'T GIVE UP.

Another thing I've realized is that When I'm doing x, y, and z consistently, I feel great. But when I'm just starting to do x, y, and z after a regression, I don't normally enjoy doing them. But I have to do them even though I don't enjoy doing them or I"Ll never get to the point where I do enjoy doing them. If I don't make myself start doing x, y, and z then I'll never be at the point where I'm doing them consistently.

When I'm having a "good streak" I sometimes get so scared that it's going to go away and I'm going to end up struggling again. It always happens; I always struggle again at some point. And I hate that, so I know how you feel. The thing to remember (and I always have to really force myself to remember this) is that the "regression" (or bad moment, whatever you want to cal it) does not mean you went back to the starting point. All progress you've made hasn't been erased. "Regressions" are an expected part of the process. Try to calmly think your way out of the anxiety of the "regression." Try to pull yourself out of the "horror" of the moment - the tornado of the "oh no it's all bad again!" And try to focus on one action that would make you feel good. Then do that one action even if it feels wrong. That - every time - has been helpful for me (even if it doesn't seem like it will be helpful and even if it doesn't immediately start to be helpful that second/day)

[Laura]

Another little tip:

So, let's say you're experiencing an "increase in behaviors" or a "Regression" or a "slip" or a "bad day" or whatever you want to call it. You know that you have to do the next best thing. But sometimes, as we all know, doing that next best thing (whatever it may be) is sometimes the complete opposite of what we want to do.

My therapist gave me a helpful tip to get myself to do the "next best thing." Let's say, for the purposes of this comment, that the 'next best thing' is eating a "normal" sized dinner. Let's say you SEEEERRRRRIIIIIIOOOOOUUUUSSSSLLLLY do not want to eat a normal sized dinner tonight. That is like the absolute last thing you would want to do.

My Therapist told me to remember that there are tens of thousands of people out there in the world who have eating disorders. It is very likely that there are thousands of other people struggling with the exact same decision you're struggling with - should I eat dinner? What should I eat for dinner? You're somewhere in your city wondering if you should eat dinner. Meanwhile, there are thousands of others wondering the same thing. Now, you know that if you were to advise those thousands of other people out there about what to do, you'd tell them to eat a normal sized dinner that will leave them feeling nourished and satisfied. You wouldn't tell a single one of those thousands of people to skip dinner, to skimp on dinner, or to binge for dinner. Now, imagine that you and those thousands of other people are making the same decision - to eat an adequate dinner - at the same time. And you are doing it, in community, in unison, at the same time. So, you decide to do the "next best thing" (you decide to eat a normal dinner) and you imagine that these thousadns of others are all making that same decision with you. And you're going through the act of preparing/ordering and eating it all together. And, when you're done, together, you all just did that "next best thing."

I know it's just a game of the imagination, but there is some truth to it too. There really are a lot of people out there struggling with the same decision. there are lots of people feeling off track, experiencing an "increase in behaviors." And these people don't have someone to talk to about it. And you, with them, can decide to do the "next best thing." It may or may not be helpful to you guys, but, for me, the feeling of community has made me feel a lot less alone when I'm making the decision to do the "next best thing." It's a tool I've used quite frequently.