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June 16, 2011

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Nadia

I cannot agree with you more on this one.

I've always felt ashamed for wanting love, for some reason. I still struggle with that a bit now..feeling like I dont deserve to be loved and not really knowing how to get it or ask for it.

What do you mean by "Where do you most need real love today?"

Keesha Broome

Where are you using food or food behaviors as a substitute for real love? Can you reach out to a person rather than a plate? Will you allow yourself to seek out love instead of the eating disorder?

Liz

This makes a good deal of sense. Part of my illness has been a sense of being unworthy-unworthy of attention, unworthy of the best things (my siblings received the newest and best while I received used and inferior things), perhaps unworthy of love. I do recognize a sense of pushing away all needs and a necessity of denying that I had any needs from anyone. The only way to survive a world where no one will meet your needs is to have no needs. By starving myself I could affirm my lack of any needs, not even food or life. Doing without food and/or being thin was recognized by my mom as a sign of strength-as was pretending not to need anything or anyone. With bulimia, I would binge on food and need; however, I was supposed to have no needs, so I would have to purge. Overeating was always strongly condemned by my mom, as was showing any sign of neediness or weakness (although we were allowed certain types of medical illnesses-only certain types, however). I can also strongly sense the idea planted in me from a very young age that I was on my own in the world and should not look to anyone for help because no one would help me (except perhaps my family, who was teaching me not to have needs in the first place). This is almost like saying that no one else would love me. Part of my recovery has been to discover what I really want when I think I feel hungry with respect to bingeing and learning to care for my body and treat it with love as I would treat my daughter with love with respect to the starving.

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