Spirituality and Recovery by Carolyn Costin and Keesha Broome

Intentional Living in the New Year

"Just like a single cell, the character of our lives is determined not by our genes but by our responses to the environmental signals that propel life."                

"Learning how to harness your mind to promote growth is the secret of life"    

                             -The Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton

 

Your beliefs become your thoughts

Your thoughts become your words

Your words become your actions

Your actions become your habits

Your habits become your values

Your values become your destiny

                                      -Ghandi

 

Intention:

1 : a determination to act in a certain way : resolve

2: concept; especially : a concept considered as the product of attention directed to an object of knowledge 

Even though it's really just a day like any other, there's something symbolic about New Year's Day that inclines us to make new beginnings, to set out on new paths of exploration, or to resolve to make changes in ourselves for the better.

One of the keys for me was to fully accept that staying focused on my desires was absolutely critical, not optional.  Regardless of whether I think the universe is objective or subjective, I know that my dominant thoughts are the key determinants of my results in life.  My thoughts control my decisions, and my decisions over time control my results.  When I really understood that, I assumed a new level of responsibility for every thought that went through my mind.  I decided to take conscious control of my thoughts no matter what.  I saw that I could no longer afford to have my mind haphazardly dwelling on things I didn’t want.

 In his book, “The Five Things We Cannot Change,” David Richo outlines certain facts of life that we cannot change—the unavoidable "givens" of human existence: 

(1) everything changes and ends

(2) things do not always go according to plan

(3) life is not always fair

(4) pain is a part of life

(5) people are not loving and loyal all the time

Richo says that by dropping our deep-seated resistance to these givens, we can find liberation and discover the true richness that life has to offer. We can do this by blending Western psychology and Eastern spirituality, including practical exercises.

We must learn how to open up to our lives—even to that which is frightening, painful, or disappointing—in order to discover our greatest gifts. 

The Power Of Intention

It’s time to change the way we think and speak about our dreams. Transforming a conversation, just like manifesting a dream, begins by setting an intention. Your intentions will assist you in taking greater control of your life.

A working definition for intention is: “to have in mind a purpose or plan, to direct the mind, to aim.” Lacking intention, we sometimes stray without meaning or direction. But with it, all the forces of the universe can align to make even the most impossible, possible.  

When you set an intention and then act on it to demonstrate your commitment, amazing things occur. 

Intention can also give us fortitude for dealing with tough times. I am currently rebuilding my home. I simply wanted to add on a new bathroom, but with all the surprises an old (and charming) house can offer, every turn has been a shock, sometimes even a nightmare. It looks like the entire building may need to be rebuilt. My intention is to live through this process with dignity and grace. I am tested daily. It’s often not easy, but this intention has helped me maintain composure, sanity, and on a good day, a sense of humor. 

Intention can be used for community or social issues, global events or (literally) in your own backyard. 

• Before you get out of bed, you can intend to have a fun or productive day.
• Before you leave the house, you can intend to have quality time with your family or roommate.
• Before you start your car, you can intend to have a safe ride to work.
• Before you enter your workplace, you can intend to learn something new or be helpful.
• Before the meeting begins, you can intend to be brilliant or calm. 

First Steps:

1. Get clear about something you want and write it down.

2. Share your intention with someone in a way that will supportively hold you accountable to taking action.

3. Do something today to demonstrate your commitment to your intention.

4. Acknowledge that you did what you said you would and then, take the next step.

By setting an intention, you make it clear to yourself and others, just what you plan to do. Set an intention to redefine what it means to be serious about what you would like to have happen.

 

 

 

 

Food, Feelings & the Holidays

Holidays are supposed to be happy times, so why do so many people get stressed and depressed?

Some reasons include: expectations of how it's supposed to be, strained family relationships, not having a loved one, not enough time to do all the holiday stuff, money troubles and food fears. Every situation is different, but it’s all in one’s attitude as to how one makes it through difficulty and stress.

When the holidays turn into something to “get through” rather than something to celebrate, it is time to take another look because something is wrong.

Find ways to think differently about what the holidays can mean to you. Rather than break down under the stress and expecttions, the holidays can be used as a time to be creative and do things you like to do and wouldn't ordinarily take the time for : Acknowledge friends and telling them how you feel about them,  bake goodies to give to others, give clothing to homeless shelters, get together for singing, make homemade cards and gifts.

For those who struggle with food issues, the holidays pose an additional anxiety and pressure. Food is often a big part of holiday celebrations, which go on all month. It is helpful to have some general guidelines for yourself to make it less overwhelming.

 

# 1    Don't say anything about anyone else's weight or food intake, and don't react if someone says         something to you. Don’t let one person’s opinions make or break your holidays.

 

# 2    Put things in perspective.

 

• Remember that a holiday party, and the holidays in general, are really just a short period of time. It’s often easier to get through things when you realize there’s an end in sight.
• Issues of food and weight should be put in perspective. Remind yourself that weight and body size don’t have to be the main focus of your life. Remember all the other important things in life.
• Ask yourself what is the worse that can happen if you gain a couple of pounds.

 

# 3    Balance is the key.

 

• Focus on cans not cant’s. There are no bad foods, no certain food will make you fat, but there are bad eating habits. Eat in moderation, but don't deny yourself something you want.
• Avoid all or nothing/black or white thinking and behavior.
• Plan to indulge on some yummy treats. If you don't, you’ll have unrealistic persecutory expectations if/when you eat something you hadn’t planned for.
• Don't be on or off a diet. Diets don’t work anyway. Instead be on an overall balanced and healthy eating plan.
• Add physical things to your routine. Take walks with friends, dance, ride bikes with the kids.
• Make sure to find your favorite creative ways to celebrate the holidays without involving food.

 

# 4    Plan ahead.

 

• Plan special time for yourself to "get away" from the holiday stress. Get a manicure, go to the park, take a bubble bath.
•  Bring treats your feel comfortable with to a party as a gift to your host or hostess.      

 

# 5    Be on the offense not the defense.

 

• If your relatives are coming to you,  you can take control and be responsible for the food and activities.
• Have plenty of things to do to take your mind off of food – trimming the tree, movies, walks, holiday shopping, picnics at park/ beach.
• If you have a problem with a relative but have to see them over the holidays, take responsibility for making it better/livable – write a letter or take the person aside and talk if you need to. Otherwise…let it go and be your best self.
• Create your own image of family not the idyllic t.v. family. Know what is realistic for you and your loved ones.
• Let the people you love know what a gift they are to you.
• Don't see things as an obligation, if you can't… then don't, or if possible do things differently.
• Spend time spreading good will and showering people with love.
• Pretend that peace on earth is directly tied to your good will and to your behavior.

All the above guidelines won’t ensure happy holidays, but they will help make things merrier and less stressful. It’s important to figure out what works for you and to remember that you have a part in making the holidays all that they can and are supposed to be.

 

Full of Gratitude

A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues.  ~Cicero

Thanksgiving can either be something to face with fear and anxiety, or it can be a day to remember all with which we are blessed. We can be thankful for the light because we have seen the dark. May you all have a day filled with love, laughter and gratitude. May your hearts overflow with thankfulness. And may this thankfulness allow for all other virtues to appear.

Flow

I love this quote and don't think it really needs an explanation. Wishing everyone a free flowing day, week and month.

 

"Everything that comes to us comes to pass or, more accurately, for us to pass on. Not just the money in our pocket, but wisdom, objects, ideas, even opportunities, all come to us, so that, at the right moment, we can pass them on. This is called flow. Being in the flow means accepting whatever comes and putting it to good use before passing it on. Going with the flow means allowing whatever comes to move on freely, without holding on in any way. If we do not pass on, we are trying to block the flow, and that's when we feel pressure in our life; pressure is always self-inflicted. Every time you feel 'under pressure,' look at what you need to release and to pass on to someone else. Once you do you can relax...again."

                                                                                                                    -Anonymous

Spirituality as Healer

The spiritual component is a large part of our treatment philosophy. Here is what one client recently wrote about her knew found connection to spirituality:

Spirituality has played a huge role in my ability to sustain hope and even assert a desire to experience a life outside of my eating disorder.  Learning about the soul and really beginning to distinguish what I refer to as the ego or eating disorder self from my soul self, is what has allowed me to step outside of my “body consciousness” and see the multiple other dimensions that define me. 

Spirituality has helped me to see the person beyond the illness, to not resign myself to the shame, guilt, and worthlessness I connected with being an “anorexic.”  Rather, it forced me to see myself as a person suffering from anorexia and have compassion for the anger I felt toward my illness and the difficulty I encountered in trying to break free of its grip.  

In this way, spirituality has been a great teacher and healer in my life.  Knowing that I am more than my body and my mind precipitated a sense of self power and agency in that I became aware that I had the power to choose to live differently and to view past trauma and pain in a different perspective - one that did not necessitate me remaining in my illness. Spirituality has offered me a vital means of detaching from my illness and attending to the present moment so as to not get distracted by past regret nor trapped by future fears.  It has encouraged me to glimpse who and what I want to be outside of anorexia and driven me to continually strive to never give up on myself. For there is definitely more to me than can ever be seen or felt simply through my physicality. 

8 Keys and then some

Carolyn's latest book, 8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder, hits shelves in November. Before anyone gets too excited thinking that there is now a faster, less intricate way to recovery I must let you know that Carolyn, herself, will be the first one to tell you that there are more than 8 keys to recovery. This book is not a one-stop, recovery-in-a-bottle, miracle cure. But this book, filled page to page with wisdom and strategies, can serve as a guideline, a lesson plan of the essential steps in healing. 

If only recovery were as easy as 1-2-3 or keys 1 through 8. Often clients come to us seeking advice about an expedited way to heal. They want a quick fix for recovery in the same way that they sought a quick fix for their problems through the disorder. They want a pill to swallow, a potion to concoct or a snap of the fingers to make getting better feel better, faster. Having recovered myself, I can understand the desire for things to be easier. It doesn't feel fair that choosing to change our lives in positive ways requires so much work. Now though, I also know that my own recovery was hard won. I fought and tried and ate and cried and rested and challenged and felt and changed and accepted...until I had healed. I got on the train bound for recovery and didn't get off of it until it had finally, finally pulled into the recovery station. I feel proud of the work I did to get to the place at which I am. I feel proud that the strength I once put towards an eating disorder now fuels my passion for life and  for this work. Because I get to wear the banner of "Recovered" with pride, I recognize the value in the lessons that preceded it. I appreciate that I experienced the transition from disordered to recovering to recovered. It makes the end result feel that much richer and well-earned.

In this new book, with its 8 keys and innumerable lessons, Carolyn and her co-author, Gwen Grabb, offer a welcomed resource in assisting people in the difficult, demanding and rewarding journey of recovery. It discusses the reality that it both is and is not about the food. They present the idea of "conscious eating" - tasting and experiencing food and one's own hunger and fullness, being present, aware of and mindful about eating. They discuss the necessity of strengthening one's healthy self so that it can convincingly challenge the eating disorder self and ultimately heal it. They invite people to be an active participant in their own recovery. They encourage people to connect with something greater than their pants size. They talk about the importance of feeling your feelings. They promote the merits of finding meaning and purpose. 

Carolyn and Gwen dispense advice culled not only from the perspective of overcoming personal struggle but also from the evolution from client to therapist. They also share insights from their own client (Grabb)-therapist (Costin) relationship which allows readers a behind-the-scenes look of how these lessons lead to recovery. These eight keys, packed full of information, will hopefully provide countless readers with tangible hope.

Embracing Joy

You pray in your distress and in your need; would that you might also pray in the fullness of your joy and in your days of abundance. 

Khalil Gibran

How easy it is to overlook joy. We chalk up good feelings to chance or luck, certain that they will pass as quickly as they seemingly came. Moments of bliss get minimized while we anxiously imagine the dread that will follow. Our conviction that sorrow and distress are always looming creates a desire to take the other shoe off instead of waiting for it to drop. We offer up prayers, light candles, set intentions, cross our fingers and hold our breath hoping that our discomfort will pass quickly. Then when it does and we are once again enveloped by happiness and peace, we dismiss it. We barely catch our breath before we're holding it again. 

What would it be like to fully embrace our joy? What would it be like to count our blessings as we're experiencing them instead of in the midst of a crisis? How would life be different if we existed in abundance rather than deprivation? 

I tell clients that this is what being recovered means. It is gratitude for what is rather than concentration on what isn't. It is accepting that we deserve goodness rather than certainty of everlasting punishment. Being recovered is being fully alive, fully experiencing both our good fortune and our bad. Today, I will practice this. I will give thanks for the bountiful goodness in my life. I will prioritize joy and place value on grace.

Dragons of the Mind

"Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love."                                                -Rainer Maria Rilke

The mind is a powerful thing. It is capable of creating diamonds out of dust or monsters out of mice. In the throes of an eating disorder, food becomes the victim of the mind's manipulation. Other things suffer this fate as well when one's eating disorder disrupts their ability to see rightly and rationally. When one begins to doubt their own ability to tolerate stress, suddenly stressors seem to grow and multiply. It can feel like we are trudging through an endless stress swamp rather than floating down the winding river of life. The eating disorder can feel like the life raft, the saving grace when really it is a mirage distorting reality. The life raft seems easier to hold on to than it is to let go of. But the eating disorder traps someone with the belief that without it, they would crumble, their spirit immune to resilience. It tricks someone into seeing a helping hand as a pointing finger, a refuge as a lion's den, an easily ascendable hill as a treacherous mountain. The catch is this, healing occurs when one walks towards and through their biggest fears. Healing happens when one stops fearing the dragon and opens their heart and mind to the possibility that it is a benign creature. It is through this courage to see things with the heart that someone can gain power over their fears and confidence in their strength. I'm reminded of the movie Shrek in which the ogre is initially deemed evil because he looks the part. But when, he is viewed with patience, beauty and courage, he is seen as a benevolent soul seeking to give and receive love. What "dragon" can you view with beauty and courage, opening your mind to the possibility of awakening a "princess?" There is a wealth of truth and love that is ours for the taking when we see through our heart instead of our fear.

Summer Solstice

Sol + stice derives from a combination of Latin words meaning "sun" + "to stand still." As the days lengthen, the sun rises higher and higher until it seems to stand still in the sky. As a major celestial event, the Summer Solstice results in the longest day and the shortest night of the year. The Northern Hemisphere celebrates in June, but the people on the Southern half of the earth have their longest summer day in December. 

Awed by the great power of the sun, civilizations have for centuries celebrated this day where the sun shines the longest of any day in the year. The Celts & Slavs celebrated the first day of summer with dancing & bonfires to help increase the sun's energy. The Chinese marked the day by honoring Li, the Chinese Goddess of Light. This was a time  to celebrate and appreciate the gifts of the sun and the abundance of life and the fruitfulness of the earth. 

On this Summer Solstice, take time to celebrate and appreciate all that you have. Recognize your own gifts and delight in all that is light and good.

 

 

When Love is Food

There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love.  ~Mother Teresa

What an interesting idea to hold onto from the perspective of eating disorders. On the surface, it may seem that someone with an eating disorder is needing nourishment on a physical level. While this is definitely true, I think that what they are needing most is soul sustenance, spiritual nourishment. What we all seem to be seeking most in this world is love, in whatever form feels most salient. 

At Monte Nido we conceptualize eating disorders as functional and relational. People seem to grasp the functional piece, but the relational one is more difficult to fully understand. It is crucial for people to recognize that they are playing out their relationship issues in their food and food behaviors. Rather than reaching out to people for support, they are reaching out to food. It becomes the safe place from which to ask for and receive love and comfort. Food analogies for this are ubiquitous - chicken soup for the soul, anyone? 

Food is the partner that never leaves, never disappoints. It is the relationship that listens, responds, obeys, the one that can be manipulated, the one that respects boundaries. Logically, we know that food is an inanimate object and can't provide these things. We realize that love can never be fully realized in a plate of food. But in the midst of an eating disorder, food feels like such a good, constant companion. In healing we realize that real relationships and authentic connections are what we are truly craving. We must challenge ourselves to be vulnerable, to ask for what we most want and need from others rather than turning to food. We must recognize that we are also responsible for loving ourselves and meeting our own wants and needs.

Love is the most basic need, the most nourishing bread. We all need it. We all desire it. We all must seek it out in equal measure so that food can just be be food. Where do you most need real love today? Can you challenge yourself to seek it out?