Spirituality and Recovery

Boundaries

"When the soulful life is being threatened, it is not only acceptable to draw the line, it is required."

Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves

A Leap of Faith

"Sometimes the only available transportation is a leap of faith." 

Margaret Sheppard

Faith is a hard concept to hold on to when someone is in the throes of an eating disorder. It can feel impossible to look on the bright side when you feel stuck in the dark. But faith is a pre-requisite for recovery. Faith is the foundation for the work that is the path to recovery. You must believe that something better is on the other side or you'll never cross the bridge. It's funny, though, because the "grass is always greener" mentality doesn't seem to apply to eating disorders. People struggling with eating disorders are perfectly content to stay on their itchy, dead plot of grass. But this is because they can't see the greener pasture of recovery. It's like a mirage, something talked about in metaphor but that doesn't exist in reality. Or it might feel like a foreign land that is impossible to get to, and they don't speak the language. The greenness can even feel like astro turf - too good to be true. And at least, the familiarity of the current grass provides a sense of safety and security. The confines of a single familiar blade feels safer, more doable than a whole yard of grass. And sometimes, the person feels like they don't deserve a pasture. They feel like they are only allotted a little and can't imagine having a lot. 

So, part of my job as a recovered therapist is to be the travel agent and tour guide for recovery. I have to use my experience of crossing the bridge, of knowing what it's like not to just visit but to live in the land of recovery. I stand as a model of possibility, of hope of finding a net after taking a leap of faith. ...... teaching clients that they deserve the greener pasture......teaching them that they're invited to join the club of recovery. There is no magic password. Just faith and hard work.

As therapists, you often have to hold this flame of faith for your clients. You have to encourage them to keep going through what can feel like endless months of pain and strife. You have to help them believe in things that can't be seen, touched or understood. 

As someone trying to recover, you have to make the choice to take the leap or to stand on the precipice forever. Recovery can't be something you dip your toe into. For it to be fully felt and completely comprehended, you have to immerse yourself. 

The Way to Happiness

 “Western culture says that the way to achieve happiness is to change our external environment to fit our wishes. But this strategy doesn’t work. In every life, pleasure and pain, gain and loss, praise and blame keep showing up, no matter how hard we struggle to have only pleasure, gain and praise.  Buddhist psychology offers a different approach to happiness, teaching that states of consciousness are far more crucial than outer circumstances.”

Eating disorders can often be the tool people use to avoid or protect against the negative. Bingeing and purging or restricting food can create the illusion of protection and comfort from pain, loss and blame. Thinness can be seen as a shield or even as measure of a successful life where pleasure and praise abound. But it is just an illusory and elusive idea. The success is fleeting and inevitably the difficulties of life come creeping back in. Healing does not mean finding a way to live a life without strife. It means learning how to tolerate, accept and utilize all of our circumstances. It is not what our life looks like but rather what our outlook is like. Maya Angelou says it this way – If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.

People often hope that healing from their eating disorder will mean that their families get healthier, their job is easier and life is less of a struggle. But unfortunately, this is rarely the case. Families sometimes don’t change and people sometimes have to remain in circumstances that are less than ideal. This doesn’t mean that healing is hopeless or that recovery is worthless. It is learning how to be healthy in the midst of malady and peaceful in the midst of chaos. Approaching our circumstances from a mindset of openness and ability is what will move us forward into goodness and light. We have the power to name our experience. We can bottomline it as good or bad. The choice is ours. Letting go of an eating disorder can be scary. It can feel like letting go of a life raft in the middle of a storm. But we have the choice to look at the waves as overwhelming or to see them as a ride to safer shores. We can acknowledge the role of pain, loss and blame, appreciating their value in teaching us how good the opposite can be. We can be thankful for the rain because without it there would be no rainbow.

When we feel stuck, going nowhere--even starting to slip backward--we may actually be backing up to get a running start.
-Dan Millman

Soul Food for the Holidays, Part 3

Rather than give in to an inevitable feeling of impending doom it is time that YOU take

back this Holiday Season.  Make your holidays be what you want them to be.  Turn this

season into a time when you do special things you wouldn't ordinarily do.  Acknowledge

your friends, let them know how you feel about them or any special things they have

done over the year. Be creative and pro active. For example, instead of just celebrating

traditional holidays the way your church or synagogue has taught or the way those

who sell merchandise want you to, learn about the original celebrations of the winter

solstice and how people celebrated the longest night of the year. In Eastern customs,

the ancient Chinese believed that the yin qualities of darkness and cold

were at their most powerful point at the winter solstice, but it was also the

turning point that gave way to the light and warmth of yang. Predating Christianity,

ancient winter solstice celebrations included rituals of light and fire which both

helped beat back winter's ominous gloom and actively recognized that brighter

days were just ahead. If you celebrate Christmas or Hanukah, find ways to

add your own meaning and symbolism to the customary traditions.

 

These tips are useful for anyone who wants to make their holiday experience the best it

can be.

 

Tip # 1             Don't focus on the food.  Make a list of all the other things that you can pay attention to at holiday parties or family gatherings such as, seeing old friends, singing together, decorating things, making gifts.

 

Tip # 2              Put things in perspective.

·      Remember that a holiday party, and the holiday gatherings in general, are really just a short period of time. There is an end in sight.

·      Be aware that things do not have to be perfect

·      Even if you feel like you make mistakes, over eat or don’t handle things well, you can use these incidents as lessons to learn from.

Tip # 3            Balance is the key                 

·      Focus on cans not cant’s.

·      There are no “bad” foods, just bad eating habits.

·      Don't deny yourself, but don’t ignore body signals such as fullness.

·      Avoid all or nothing/black or white thinking and behavior.

·      Plan to indulge some.  Take some risks, eat things you usually don’t “allow” yourself to, but take small steps in doing so.

·      Don't be on or off a diet. Instead be on a healthy, balanced overall eating plan.

·      Take/make the time for fun activities, invite friends to decorate, go to the pumpkin patch or tree farm, or caroling.

·      Bake with your kids or friends and bring the goods to homeless shelters or others who are need.

·      Make sure to find other festive ways to celebrate the holidays without involving food.

           

Tip # 4       Plan ahead

·      If you are going to attend a party, plan your food accordingly if you know it will be a problem, for example you might be able to skip your afternoon snack and have dessert t a party instead.  If you are in treatment be sure to check this out with your dietitian or therapist.

·      Plan special time for yourself to "get away" from the holiday stress. Get a manicure, go to the park, take a bubble bath.

·       Bring food treats to a party that you are comfortable with as a gift to your host or hostess.

 

Tip # 5            Be on the offense not the defense

·      If your relatives are coming to you,  you can take control and be responsible for the food and activities.

·      Have plenty of things to do to take your mind off of food – trimming the tree, movies, walks, holiday shopping, picnics at park, time at the beach.

·      If you have a problem with a relative but have to see them over the holidays, take responsibility for making it better/livable – write a letter or take the person aside and talk.

·      Create your own image of family not the idyllic t.v. family. Know what is realistic for you and your loved ones.

·      Let the people you love know what a gift they are to you already.

·      Don't see things as an obligation, if you can't…. then don't, or if possible do things differently.

·      Instead of going commercial, make your own cards……this is much easier with computers and printers these days …..but even get out your old, our your child’s, colored pencils or crayons or water colors and really “make” your own.

·      Spend time spreading good will and showering people with love.

·      Know that peace on earth starts with you and how you handle your relationships

 

These tips won’t ensure that there will be no problems or that your holidays will be

exactly as you would like, but they can help things be more enjoyable and less

stressful. It’s important to figure out what works for you and to remember that you have a

part in making your holiday all that it can and is supposed to be.

 

 

Soul Food Part 2

Thanksgiving...

For people struggling with eating disorders and food issues, Thanksgiving is perhaps the single most stressful day of the year. Thanksgiving has seemingly become a day wholly devoted to food with the part about giving thanks being a convenient vehicle for the food focus. 

The origins of Thanksgiving date back to the origins of the United States. The earliest settlers of this nation devoted time each year to express gratitude. LIfe was hard, food was scarce and therefore each year when the crops were harvested and the livestock made it through, they recognized their blessings and took time to give thanks. Thanksgiving was an informal holiday for several hundred years but the idea was continually recognized by the leaders of our country. Then on October 3, 1863, Abraham Lincoln proclaimed, by an Act of Congress. that the last Thursday of November would be honored as a day of "Thanksgiving and Praise."

Today, life is still hard and stress is still high. It is in times like these, that the idea of Thanksgiving is most needed. At Monte Nido, I have dedicated the month of November as a time of gratitude and giving thanks. My hope is that we can make the day of Thanksgiving about more than just food while also acknowledging that one of our blessings is that we have food on the table. 

During this time of year, take a moment to reflect on what you DO have in your life and on what blessings with which you have been bestowed rather than obsessing over what you don't have. Focus on that for which you are grateful rather than on that for which you are ungrateful. See if shifting your focus shifts your mood. I hope you find that this Thanksgiving will mean so much more than food.

Soul Food for the Holidays, Part 1

When the holidays turn into something to get through rather than something to celebrate, something is wrong. Holidays are supposed to be happy times, so why do so many people get depressed, frustrated and stressed out? People start wondering how will they avoid the Halloween candy, or how the heck they will cook a fabulous meal for 30 people at Thanksgiving, or if they can buy all the gifts they are supposed to, or if they will look great at the New Year’s Eve party.  This can be daunting. Combine this with the reality for some of strained family relationships, not having a loved/special one, or money troubles and it can add to the distress. And then there is the FOOD.  Daily my eating disorder clients exclaim things like….“How will I get through it all…. starting with Halloween candy in the store calling out to me for weeks, followed by the pumpkin scones at Starbucks, then all the food that goes with Thanksgiving, followed by the Christmas Holiday cookies, pies, cakes, tins of candied popcorn, seasoned nuts, See’s candy and of course Egg Nog. What am I going to do?”

Most people struggle with food issues during the holidays, but for those who struggle with eating disorders, the holidays pose additional anxieties and pressures to an already dysfunctional relationship with food. One key in helping my clients through this time is to take the focus of of the food. I try to make the holidays more meaningful by helping clients turn each holiday, and the whole season, into something special, more soulful. Nothing I teach is meant to take away from family or religious traditions but to add something new and interesting. I teach my clients the ancient roots of holidays and the meaning these holidays have had over the centuries in relationship to ancient people and the planet. Studying the roots of each holiday and how they relate to the planets’ seasons can help you to feel more in touch with your existence on the planet as well as your own changes or the  “seasons” of your own life.

Lets look at Halloween……

Halloween's origins date back to the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain held on November 1^st - which marked the end of summer and the harvest and the beginning of winter. The Celts believed this time of year was associated with human death and that on the night before the new year, October 31^st, the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead became blurred. Celebrations were held during this night and the Celts wore costumes, typically consisting of animal heads and skins. They also attempted to tell each other's fortunes.

By the 800s, the influence of Christianity had spread into Celtic lands. In the seventh century, Pope Boniface IV designated November 1^st All Saints' Day, a time to honor saints and martyrs. The celebration was also called All-hallows or All-hallowmas (from Middle English Alholowmesse meaning All Saints' Day) and the night before it, the night of Samhain, began to be called All-hallows Eve and, eventually, Halloween.

Knowing the origins of Halloween allows it to become a time of year for honoring those loved ones who have died or even those we don’t know who, from war or in poverty or sickness, have died. This can be a time for deep reflection on the two worlds of the living and dead. This could also be a time to honor and be grateful that you are among the living!

Stay tuned for part 2…Thanksgiving.

Carolyn Costin Clinical Director

Keesha Broome Assistant Clinical Director

Monte Nido Treatment Center

 

 

Mermaid or Whale

This is an email I received, therefore I can't take credit for the content. But I will make sure that the message reaches more than just me. It is the perfect conceptualization of the choice we have as women - reality or fantasy. And if we choose reality, we get so much more. 

Mermaid or a Whale

Recently, in large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym..  It said:

¨THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?¨

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans)..  They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales.  They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.  They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.  They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.  If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis.  Fish or human?  They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either.  Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my friends, a good dinner with my partner who makes me shiver and a piece of chocolate with myself.  With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.  So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.  Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good gosh, look how smart I am.¨

Songs for Recovery

Music is an integral part of our program at Monte Nido & Affiliates because we believe it works well for eating disorder clients. We use songs to awaken, connect, inspire and reflect, and we have music flowing through our treatment centers on a regular basis. 

Below are the words to two songs by Kirtana that we used at our Monte Nido alumni retreat this past year. The theme of the retreat was Love, Courage, Hope, Strength and the Source. We feel that they speak for themselves. We encourage you to find them on iTunes or to buy the CD - to be used in your practice or just for yourself. Enjoy!

HOME by Kirtana

Beyond the sorrow and the hardships I've endured,

deeper than my inner child,

is a part of me, untouched and free -

innocent, undefiled. 

Despite the ignorant and callous acts of man

and all the hurt that they can bring,

my attention has been drawn, 

by the grace of God upon

what has never been affected by such things.

A stillness underneath the chaos -

the ground in which events appear.

Some call it presence or pure awareness.

I call it home now. And I live from here.

And no, this does not shield 

my heart from future pain,

or take the trauma from my youth,

or exempt me from all rage 

at injustice on life's stage,

I just pledge allegiance to a deeper truth.

A truth that underlies the chaos,

a peace from which events arise -

elusive to the mind,

but never hard to find -

always here to realize.

It's a peace that passeth understanding -

the very ground in which our lives appear.

Some call it Self or even God.

I call it home now. And I live from here.

DEATHBED SONG  Kirtana

If I had the chance to live life over,

I would go more slowly - that's for sure.

I wouldn't put up such a fight

to have my way or prove I'm right

or overlay the world with my agenda.

I would open each day like a present,

tender toward what ever came my way -

every texture - joy or pain -

searing sun or healing rain,

for I have seen the masks of my Beloved.

I would not be so restless,

so eager to mess with

the nectar of what is

that I over-think the kiss

or turn my mouth away.

I would not take a single breath for granted.

And I would spend much more time on my knees.

For once you've strewn the ashes of

the bodies of the ones you love,

you learn something about what really matters.

And I know that love is worth the wounding

And that this dance is too brief to sit through.

So even though my heart would break,

what a deep, exquisite ache.

I would always be a fool for love.

Surviving vs. Thriving

"Being able to say that one is a survivor is an accomplishment. For many, the power is in the name itself. And yet comes a time in the individuation process when the threat or trauma is significantly past. Then is the time to go to the next stage after survivorship, to healing and thriving. ... One can take so much pride in being a survivor that it becomes a hazard to further creative development. ... Once the threat is past, there is a potential trap in calling ourselves by names taken on during the most terrible time of our lives. It creates a mind-set that is potentially limiting. It is not good to base the soul identity solely on the feats and losses and victories of the bad times." 

Women Who Run with the Wolves

This quote calls to mind the need in our society to name things as a means of quantifying or qualifying them. People derive their identities from this naming process, for better of for worse. With eating disorders, people quickly become categorized by their illness or their behaviors. This adds another layer to the eating disorder problem – people deriving their identity from their eating disorder. A person becomes known as the anorexic or the bulimic or the thin one or the exerciser. If someone has tied their identity to these labels it makes it difficult to let go of the eating disorder for fear of who they will be without it. For this reason, in my practice I say that someone has anorexia or bulimia not that they are anorexic or bulimic. I want to extricate the disorder from the person. It is a part of the person but not the entire person. I want clients to identify with other things, to find healthier attachments.

I work with clients to help them discover and reclaim parts of themselves that have been buried under the eating disorder. When this happens they can then strengthen these parts thus forming an identity based on health rather than sickness, on truth rather than fear. This is an integral part of healing, letting go of the eating disorder distinction and choosing self-acceptance.