I used to gravitate toward one type of guy: loser.
At least, that’s what my friends said about my dating life. Meanwhile, my therapist preferred instead to use the more politically correct word, “underfunctioner.”
Here are some examples: a 30-something guy who still lived with his parents and a forty-year-old man who never seemed to have a working car. Then, there were the men I dated who were “finding themselves.” This phrase, I have learned, is often synonymous with, “I don’t have a real job.”
Don’t get me wrong. These guys had some positive qualities as well, including being funny, attractive, and smart. One man I dated was actually quite brilliant. With him, I would rationalize, “Well, someday, he will utilize his genius skills.” I was dating this man’s potential, not him. And there lies one of my big problems: I would focus intensely on a guy’s good qualities and tend to (at least in the beginning) ignore the red flags that screamed, “Run, run as fast as you can!”
To be fair and honest, I was far from perfect. In fact, these guys probably had friends who called me a loser. When we were dating, I rarely spent significant time with them. I would conveniently fit the relationship into my schedule, meanwhile insisting that what we had together wasn’t, in fact, a relationship at all. My walls were tall and wide and protected by a moat with alligators. These men didn’t have a chance, as I was a walking red flag (or maybe even a banner) myself.
On an unconscious level, now I see that I chose these kinds of relationships, because they were doomed to fail, or rather, to not even start. My best friend used to say that I was a pro at getting out of a relationship before it even began. By choosing a certain type of man, I felt safe on some level. I didn’t have to be invested or risk a broken heart. And I was ultimately in control of the relationship. At any moment, I could easily jump ship and go back to my familiar, single gal life, which I loved.
But, in my single life, I had begun to wonder, “Is there more?” If I wanted to continue to grow as a person, what might that look like? The answer I kept hearing back was, “You need to explore being in a relationship.” And this voice was not talking about with friends or family, but specifically with men. I began to see that continued growth in my life would mean facing my walls head-on and making better choices in the dating arena. I made an appointment with a therapist, specifically to talk about love and relationships. I knew that if anything was going to change, I was going to have to do things differently. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I signed up for an online dating service. Unlike times in the past, I actually logged into the account from time to time. I forced myself to sit down and respond to “winks” when what I wanted to do was write, play guitar, or hang out with friends. I tirelessly weeded through the annoying emails to find the wonderful ones. I even sent some messages of my own, connecting only with men who I actually thought might be a match. I met some great guys—not underfunctioners. This change had nothing to do with the specific online service but everything to do with me. I was shifting my perspective and opening my heart.
And then the strangest thing happened. While I was living my life hanging out with friends (in Las Vegas of all places), I met an amazing guy. When we met, I expected my dating walls to come up and say, “You can’t do this. You will be smushed just like in a trash compactor.” Yes, my walls used to say scary things like that!
But there are no walls in sight. I don’t feel trapped. I never thought it was possible to feel free in a relationship, but I do. Maybe this difference is because I have been working on myself. Or maybe it is because I can completely be myself with Bruce (That is his real name. Please refrain from Facebook stalking!) and don’t need walls to protect me. Our ability to connect might have something to do with the fact that both of us are on a similar trajectory in life as far as career, happiness, and even knowing who we are as individuals. I am guessing it is a combination of all of this.
Everyone’s dating path is different. I don’t specifically recommend joining Match.com or going to Vegas. What I do suggest is listening to that little voice inside, your inner compass. Some call this intuition or even God. Maybe this voice is telling you to take things slowly or on the opposite end, to sign up for speed dating. (Yes, I’ve done it.) Only you know what is right for you.
Whether you are single or married and regardless of your sexual orientation, we can all learn from one another. So please share your thoughts on dating and love here. One thing is for sure: I still need all the help I can get.
All the best,
Jenni
To be fair and honest, I was far from perfect. In fact, these guys probably had friends who called me a loser. When we were dating, I rarely spent significant time with them. I would conveniently fit the relationship into my schedule, meanwhile insisting that what we had together wasn’t, in fact, a relationship at all. My walls were tall and wide and protected by a moat with alligators. These men didn’t have a chance, as I was a walking red flag (or maybe even a banner) myself.
On an unconscious level, now I see that I chose these kinds of relationships, because they were doomed to fail, or rather, to not even start. My best friend used to say that I was a pro at getting out of a relationship before it even began. By choosing a certain type of man, I felt safe on some level. I didn’t have to be invested or risk a broken heart. And I was ultimately in control of the relationship. At any moment, I could easily jump ship and go back to my familiar, single gal life, which I loved.
But, in my single life, I had begun to wonder, “Is there more?” If I wanted to continue to grow as a person, what might that look like? The answer I kept hearing back was, “You need to explore being in a relationship.” And this voice was not talking about with friends or family, but specifically with men. I began to see that continued growth in my life would mean facing my walls head-on and making better choices in the dating arena. I made an appointment with a therapist, specifically to talk about love and relationships. I knew that if anything was going to change, I was going to have to do things differently. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I signed up for an online dating service. Unlike times in the past, I actually logged into the account from time to time. I forced myself to sit down and respond to “winks” when what I wanted to do was write, play guitar, or hang out with friends. I tirelessly weeded through the annoying emails to find the wonderful ones. I even sent some messages of my own, connecting only with men who I actually thought might be a match. I met some great guys—not underfunctioners. This change had nothing to do with the specific online service but everything to do with me. I was shifting my perspective and opening my heart.
And then the strangest thing happened. While I was living my life hanging out with friends (in Las Vegas of all places), I met an amazing guy. When we met, I expected my dating walls to come up and say, “You can’t do this. You will be smushed just like in a trash compactor.” Yes, my walls used to say scary things like that!
But there are no walls in sight. I don’t feel trapped. I never thought it was possible to feel free in a relationship, but I do. Maybe this difference is because I have been working on myself. Or maybe it is because I can completely be myself with Bruce (That is his real name. Please refrain from Facebook stalking!) and don’t need walls to protect me. Our ability to connect might have something to do with the fact that both of us are on a similar trajectory in life as far as career, happiness, and even knowing who we are as individuals. I am guessing it is a combination of all of this.
Everyone’s dating path is different. I don’t specifically recommend joining Match.com or going to Vegas. What I do suggest is listening to that little voice inside, your inner compass. Some call this intuition or even God. Maybe this voice is telling you to take things slowly or on the opposite end, to sign up for speed dating. (Yes, I’ve done it.) Only you know what is right for you.
Whether you are single or married and regardless of your sexual orientation, we can all learn from one another. So please share your thoughts on dating and love here. One thing is for sure: I still need all the help I can get.
All the best,
Jenni
I'm so happy for you Jenni! Not just that you are in a relationship but that you have been able to release those walls. It sounds like you have gained freedom from your walls. Beautiful.
Your openness and vulnerability are inspiring as well. Shining light on your own life gives everyone of us the opportunity to shine it on our lives.
Becky Henry
Hope Network
Posted by: Becky Henry | October 28, 2011 at 08:25 AM
Jenni, I'm thrilled for you! i had some similar tendencies to put up walls when i was in recovery. sometimes i think treatment is so self-focused that it causes us to think it's healthy not to ever need anyone or let anyone in. i thought i was totally self-sufficient and that i would probably never get married.
but an incredible man came into the picture and i felt God telling me to give the man a chance. i was terrified, but i let him become my boyfriend and he fought my walls down and changed all of that. i'm realizing that part of loving myself is allowing myself to exist in relationship to another person. i'm learning so much about myself, my needs, what i'm good at and what i need to work on from the relationship i'm in. it's helped me to accept my emotions too...both the bad and the good.
again, i'm so happy for you and am excited to see what's in store for you.
Posted by: Elizabeth Ann | October 28, 2011 at 08:51 AM
Becky and Elizabeth Ann -- I absolutely love your comments! Thank you so much for sharing. I am excited to hear more from you guys. And I will definitely keep you posted:)
Posted by: Jenni Schaefer | October 28, 2011 at 09:37 AM
Whew, Jenni, good for you! Taking risks. Next week I'll be married for 22 years and I still don't have it all figured out.
Everyday I get to grow in love and gratitude for my wonderful husband who has stood by me through it all.
Take care.
Posted by: Cindy B. | October 28, 2011 at 10:14 AM
Cindy - Great point! We ARE always figuring it out...aren't we? Congrats on 22 years! That is wonderful. I appreciate your mentioning gratitude, which is very important.
Posted by: Jenni Schaefer | October 28, 2011 at 11:02 AM
Hi Jenni, another important principle that I learned is partnership. My marriage is a partnership not a tally sheet. It's not about who does more or what, etc. It's about just doing what needs to be done. We each have our strengths, things we are good at.
This has worked very well for us and can work in any serious relationship.
I am grateful I am in recovery.
Keep it simple.
Posted by: Cindy B. | October 28, 2011 at 11:19 AM
I think to make a relationship work, the couple should look in the same direction and both should always be honest about what they want in life and in the relationship.
Posted by: Cristian Cortes | October 28, 2011 at 12:55 PM
Hi Jenni,
Havent talked to you in awhile.Im sooo happy for you.You are a very special lady and have been through alot.All that you have done to help people is amazing.Kathy would be proud of you.You soo deserve a good guy and I told you there was one out there for you.It just wasnt the time for you to meet him.Enjoy and have fun.Take care and talk to you soon.
Sue Cleland
Posted by: Sue Cleland | October 28, 2011 at 06:08 PM
Congrats Jenni!
Im so happy for you! :)
It's really great that you were able to find someone.. yay you!
Posted by: Katie | October 29, 2011 at 05:38 PM
Thanks for all your efforts that you have put in this. very interesting information. i like with express my support of your ideas in your article, and looking forward to your next article.
Posted by: Christian Louboutin Outlet | November 17, 2011 at 10:32 PM
You are correct, you weren't invested. It's easy to risk others feelings..and not your own. Happy everthing worked out for you. Losers make great research..
Posted by: Mark Burge | November 27, 2011 at 09:15 PM
haha i laughed so hard at the "finding themselves" = not having a real job. I realized recently that i date "losers" because they make me feel awful about myself: who I am and what I am doing with my life. Even though I should be really proud to tell everyone how great of a person I am. Losers are on ED's team - if ED has a team? And thats why I take on and then the next, and then the next. I choose what I think I deserve, as do alot of people <3
Posted by: Jess | December 26, 2011 at 02:32 PM
relief from the drudgery of my cubicle existence. These days, the word “date” means that we have a babysitter for a few hours, giving us time to grab a cheeseburger and a beer.
Posted by: Tips by Ning Club | December 11, 2012 at 01:43 AM