Beyond Ed: What's below the surface

I have heard that 90 percent of an iceberg lies below the water. I saw this phenomenon firsthand on a recent boat ride near Juneau, Alaska. Traveling solo, I signed up for the boat ride, in part, to think and reflect on next steps in my life, specifically in regard to career.

After fully recovering from anorexia/bulimia, I have felt a calling to do more --- to go beyond my work with eating disorders. In true black-and-white form, I used to think that I had to dissect that part of me and start anew. I thought I could either talk and write about eating disorders or not. What I realized clearly on the Alaskan boat ride (specifically after seeing the iceberg below) is that I do not have to do either/or. I can do both. My work with eating disorders is deeply fulfilling, and I don't have to let that go in order to "add to." I am an iceberg!

So far, you guys have only seen the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my writing and speaking. You have seen the part that is above water, which is mostly about food, body image, and eating disorders. In branching out, I will be revealing more to you (what's below the surface). For instance, soon I will post that piece about dating that I mentioned in my last blog entry. And I actually have a guy to write about now. I know: gasp! Stay tuned. This process of sharing more is definitely scary for me. So, if you notice that I am not doing what I say here, please bug me about it. I give you full permission to keep me accountable! (Find me anytime on Twitter, Facebook, or comment here.)

In writing this, I am realizing that we are all icebergs in one way or another. We often reveal certain things about ourselves to some people and not to others. Sometimes, this is smart. We are creating boundaries to keep us safe. But sometimes, we get stronger and don't actually need old boundaries anymore. This happened with me in eating disorder recovery. Toward the beginning of my recovery, I set strong, necessary boundaries in my life. Ultimately, when I became healthy and more secure in myself, I didn't need such ironclad walls around me anymore. It took awhile for me to let my guard down and to let people in on a whole new level, but I finally did it. (See Smashing the Box: Letting people into our lives.)

I have learned that, for me, the most important thing is to be true to myself. Whether I decide to reveal a part of myself or all of me, I must be authentic. You have known the real Jenni for years. Now, you are just going to know more. (When you think about it, the tip of the iceberg may just be a small part of the whole, but it is still 100 percent iceberg. I have always tried to be 100 percent me in my writing, speaking, and singing, and I thank you for supporting that.)

I would love to learn more about you, too! If you feel comfortable, please share something about yourself here --- possibly beyond Ed. It can be as simple (or complex) as your favorite color or food to deeper thoughts on love and happiness. Feel free to share thoughts about what you would be interested in hearing me talk about as well. (What would help you in your current life?) You can share these thoughts on my Author Facebook page, too. (This new page is becoming a place of positive support and getting to know one another.)

Thanks, in advance, for your support in my new endeavor!

Wish me luck :)

Jenni

 

 

 

Comments

[Cindy B.]

Best of luck to you Jenni. We are more than our ED. and every day we get to live that. I'm glad to learn more about you.

A bit about me beyond the ED is living in the reality that my father is ill and my role as a daughter is changing. I am fearful of the uncertain future. But what I get to learn and practice is 1. ED will not help at all so that is not even an option. 2. The fear is 'normal' and living in reality of that is so much easier than living in denial. So I get to lean into my friends for support and TRUST that all is well and will be exactly as it's supposed to be. That a Higher Power gives me the strength and courage to simply show up and be a grown up (I am 50! -- ha ha). I like the self-affirmation of "I can do this," as many people do this. Another reality is life is hard. I pray constantly to stay present and not to fall into projected fear and negative thinking. But this is the way out and I'm grateful I am willing to do it.

P.S. I'm the one who won your CD. I want to say I love it. I love all of the songs, but my favorite song is It's OK to be Happy. I know all the words and use that as a positive affirmation as well. It's OK to be Happy.

Thank you.

[Jenni Schaefer]

Hey Cindy- First and foremost, thanks for sharing so openly. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family during this difficult time. You might know that both of my parents have been battling cancer. I, too, do my best to live in the moment and to realize that fear is normal. I also like the self-affirmation: “I can do this.” I have used that one a lot in the past year.

I truly appreciate your nice words about my music as well. "It’s Okay to be Happy" is such a fun and, well, happy song! I can’t sing it without smiling ☺

Thanks a million for your continued support of my work. Keep in touch!

[Jess]

Hi Jenni,

I'm so excited to learn more about you! :-) I can empathize with it being scary to share more of yourself and to put yourself out there more and be more vulnerable- but you've got a lot of support here, and it sounds like it will be very rewarding for you! <3 Good for you!

I'm excited to hear what you have to say about relationships and your own journey surrounding them, because as I am pretty close to Recovered these days (!!! Couldn't have done it without your inspiration!), I too am working on below-the-surface stuff, and a lot of it has to do with my relationships with other people. I really want to learn to develop relationships based on mutual trust and respect, where I feel safe opening up and taking risks emotionally. I think a lot of people will be able to relate to the direction your writing is going.

Beyond ED- I'm still young, only 21, but I really want to make a difference in the world. I've done a lot of volunteering in my community and in other countries surrounding issues of violence against women. Empowering women and fighting injustice is truly my passion! (I love your song "She Blames Herself", by the way. It has helped me through a lot and inspires me to advocate for other women!)

Thanks for being such an inspiration in sharing your journeys with us!

[Lisa]

I think this is a great idea and the iceberg thing makes a lot of sense.

I'm 18 and just started college and I am beyond thrilled at the fact that when stress gets to me I have not turned to ED. This is amazing to me considering I struggled since 16 and have only technically been recovered for a couple of months.

I was heavy in middle school and I am still embarrassed to look at old pictures(something I am working on). I thought losing weight would make me this whole new outgoing person. It only led to anorexia and even more exclusion and unhappiness.

So here I am, a college freshman with my whole world ahead of me. And now I am at the weight I really should be, but to be honest I'm lonelier than ever. I see everybody around me making friends and dating, but still I can not seem to connect with anybody. I am terrified I'll be alone forever and if there was one thing I think ED really stole from me it was opportunities to actually go out and have fun in high school. I feel like I've missed out on learning how to socialize I am truly clueless and shy beyond belief. I was just wondering if anybody else had this happen after an ED.

You're books are truly inspiring and I love how you are so open in sharing your stories.

[Cindy B.]

Thank you, Jenni. I will keep your family in my prayers as well. Hope to see you in Miami in February!

Lisa, it's never too late to start socializing. It's hard, but little by little you can put yourself out there and find some safe women to hang around with. To get to know. To trust. (I hang out with women who don't drink or do drugs.)

Socializing was hard for me as well, so here's a funny story: I was at a function with some friends. I have always been a hider, not liking to eat in public. But that doesn't work for me anymore, so at this function there were some chicken wings (hope it's OK to mention food) and I wanted one. However, I did not know hot to eat it in public (ahhh, ED, you stole so much....). So I fumbled around with it with a fork, which wasn't working. Well, a close friend, who knows I'm recovering from an ED, must have been watching me because without judgment, this is what she said: "Here's what you do, you pick it up and you eat it." So Simple! And I was so grateful for the help. I still chuckle about this. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and survived! You can too. But it takes time. Just start.

Take care.

[Jenni Schaefer]

You guys are so great. I love what you have written here.

Jess, it does seem that for lots of people, relationship "stuff" is just below Ed. I have been amazed to see how fulfilling my life after Ed really is in regard to friendships, etc. Ed did his best to keep me from everyone, but not anymore.

Cindy, you are right: it is NEVER too late. (Thanks a lot for your prayers.)

Lisa, I really wish I would have gotten into recovery earlier than later. (I waited until I was 22-years-old.) You are way ahead of me. In college, I didn't socialize much at all due to Ed. I grieve those lost moments. But you have college ahead of you! I have learned that many people in college feel out of place in some way (whether they've had an eating disorder or not). There are great ways to meet people in college whether it is through class or various organizations.

In my travels, I have learned that counseling in college can be so important for people. I wish I'd have taken advantage of counseling at my university. It would have been the only free therapy I'd ever received in my life! I might not have talked about Ed then, but I might have spoken about my trouble with connecting.

Hang in there - you guys are all inspirational with powerful voices that make a difference. Keep speaking out like this.

I wanted to include some resources you might find helpful:

http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-college-hope.html

http://www.mentorconnect-ed.org/

Please stay in touch. I really appreciate your words here.

[Ohgina.wordpress.com]

Hi there,
I'm a long time reader/follower/fan, although a brand new commenter. =P
I'm excited to continue to learn more about you! I'm working on figuring out what more exists to me outside of Ed. Here are a few things:

I'm about to graduate college with a BS in Chemistry, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to do chemistry forever. I'm applying to MPH programs for grad school and I'm really excited. The fact that I'm graduating is a big deal to me, cause at one point, I wasn't sure I'd make it to college (due to Ed, of course.)

I'm struggling with a slip/much more than a slip/relapse. Despite putting myself into the hands of a great treatment team, I've been pretty stagnant for the past few months (mentally and physically). I'm kicking myself into high gear ( being kicked into high gear =P) starting ... now. Here's to taking the plunge (4th or 5th or 6th time is a charm...)

I truly appreciate that you share your story and have been so successful. I'm trying to get my store/thoughts out there.

Keep on keeping on.

Gina

[Simie]

Hi,
Thanks tonz,Jenni. You are such an inspiration to me. Whenever, I'm in one my moods, I read your stories of recovery and listen to your music. I actually feel emotional right now after having read the above. I would really love to meet you in person. Do you ever come to New York? Thankx for your continued support. I'm amazed that you still want to be there for others with ED ,and not stay as far away as possible. I appreciate that. Anyways, a little note about me besides for all my issues, is that I love kids, they cheer me up and make me feel loved. I'm currently working towards getting a degee in nursing

Thanks Again,

Simie

[June Alexander]

Hi Jenni, I developed anorexia at age eleven and regained 'me' forty-four years later. That was five years ago. Life since has been truly amazing. Worth the fight! I would like add my voice to yours in assuring adults of all ages that they can break free of their eating disorder, they can soar like the sea eagle, be like the beautiful ice berg, have a full life, both above and below the 'surface' - the life we share with others, and the precious life we live within. Having the courage to be true to our own self makes all the difference. I look forward to catching up at the NEDA Conference.

[Jenni Schaefer]

Thanks again for your comments! Gina, so cool that you are a brand new commenter:) Way to use your voice! And hang in there - never, never, never give up.

Simie, I do get to New York quite a bit. (I LOVE NY!) I don't have anything scheduled at the moment, but my calendar is regularly updated here: http://www.jennischaefer.com/goodbye-wheres-jenni.htm I also post event updates on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/lifewithouted.

June, it was lovely to see you at NEDA. I only wish we'd have been able to talk more. I really appreciate your kind words of support!

[Marcie]

Thank you June for the words I so needed to read....I've been anorexic since I was 16 and in 'denial' until I was 54. I ended up in residential treatment and are now struggling with it all at the age of 56 -- thank you for your encouraging words....

Marcie

[Erin Rose]

Jenni you are such an inspiration!
I'm 15 years old and in the UK and have had anorexia for the past 18/19 months but similarly to you, Ed has been talking to me for years- maybe since I was 6?
Anyway, I've been seing a family therapist for the past 18 months and as great as they've been, I have had no motivation to change- absolutely zilch...but upon reading your book which I asked my mum to order, we've read sections after each meal and my mind is changing! I am separating myself from Ed and beginning to really hate him!
He stopped me getting the grades I could have achieved in exams last year and if I don't kick his butt hard soon, he could do it this year too...but luckily I am finally feeling positive, and motivated...dare I say it maybe even happy! Weird feelings that I haven't felt for so long!
Thank you so so much for writing your books! I really cannot thank you enough! :D
Before all this, I wanted to be a clinical psychologist and now, I want to help people more than ever! :)