Event in Boulder, CO AND An Inspirational Story

If you live in or around Boulder, Colorado, please join me for a FREE event this Thursday, January 28th.  Details: http://www.jennischaefer.com/hello-wheres-jenni.htm

I recently met an amazing woman named Jennifer Garcia. She said I could share a story she wrote for her high school paper. Thanks, Jennifer! Here it is:

“No thanks, I’m full.”

This was my favorite phrase when I was at my worst.

I am Jennifer and I am in recovery from Anorexia Nervosa, an eating disorder characterized by the obsession of body image accompanied by restriction of food and fear of gaining weight. I have been struggling with my eating disorder for about three years now. As time grew on I became a slave to my eating disorder, and at the mercy of its relentless torture. After realizing this and seeking help I am now coming up on my first year anniversary in recovery. I have come a long way from where I was, and still have a long way to go.

I started noticing differences in my thoughts about myself in eighth grade. Thoughts of not being good enough, thoughts of frustration towards my own imperfection, and thoughts of self hatred. I didn’t know the path I was leading myself down or the agony I was about to face down this journey.

At first, it was only thoughts of restricting food, it then led to smaller meals, then skipping meals altogether, and onto restricting down to hardly anything. I was starving myself.

One of the biggest misconceptions of an eating disorder is that it’s about food. This is not the case, for eating disorders, whether it is restricting from anorexia, purging for bulimics, or binging for over eaters. It is a coping mechanism for underlying issues. My anorexia was a way to cope with certain emotions I didn’t know how to handle, whether it was sadness, anger, or anxiety.

I felt out of control, and the only thing I knew I could control is the way I eat. The only thing I fed was my detrimental strive for perfection. Slowly depriving myself of vital nutrients, I became incapable of deciphering between rational and irrational thoughts. What once were small complications throughout my day became overwhelming obstacles.

Night and day I obsessed over my imperfections and how to fix them, as a result I would elevate the unrealistic expectations I demanded of myself. I became good at my eating disorder, thinking and pursuing creative ways to fool other people, and to ultimately hurt myself more.

Lose more weight, make better grades, be a better person, gain self love, and never be seen as weak. I now realize that most of these were unobtainable goals with a lack of nutrition, sleep, confidence, and medical treatment.

I did a lot of self-research on what I was putting my body through, and determined what I thought was a step toward perfection, was really a step toward death. This eating disorder has several effects. To list a few outcomes, there is bone loss, heart failure, muscle deterioration, hair loss, malnutrition, mental instability, emotional instability, suicidal thoughts, and overall organ failure. I have suffered from most of these few consequences. It terrified me to see how badly my body was corroding.

So many others witnessed my struggle for my life. My family and friends who love me had to look in helplessly while I destroyed myself from the inside out because I was too ashamed to ask for help. My parents had to endure the emotional pain while they saw their daughter being slowly taken away from them. Thankfully due to some truth and fast action I will never know how close I came to my death bed.

January 21, 2009 at midnight, I accepted the fact I needed help. This was the beginning of my recovery. At first I thought I could recover on my own, thinking I was strong in my greatest moments of weakness. I learned the hard way it was impossible. I started by building a much needed support team. I had friends and family, but I needed professionals; to have a doctor, psychologist, and nutritionist is crucial for recovery.

Recovery is the hardest thing I have ever done, and possibly will ever do. There have been many lows and few high points in recovery so far. I have gained weight, I have relapsed, I have built up confidence, and I have starved. It is a constant battle, one that takes patience, with yourself and others. It takes determination to get through the hard times, and it takes endurance to bear the emotional pain.

Before my recovery the scale in my bathroom measured my self-worth. The scale told me how good of a person I was or if I should eat that day. I let it bully me into starvation. It was more than just a household item, it was my life. It grew into an obsession. I would weigh myself almost 35 times a week. Even at dangerous lows, I was never satisfied with my weight and at times lost several pounds a week. I still have some trouble separating the number on the scale from my self-worth, but I have overcome tremendous strides in recovery and am proud to say it has been a while since I have stepped on the scale. I refuse to let an inanimate object kill me any longer. Today that scale holds minimal power, and with more time it will be, like it is to everyone else, just a scale.

Scales are not my only enemy in this fight; my mind is the thing I fear most. Between the severe depression, the malnutrition preventing me from moving, and the suicidal thoughts, recovery seems impossible at times. It is very hard to carry on in recovery during relapses, but they pass and I get back on track hoping to make more progress before the next relapse hits. Eventually after enough setbacks, I realize what I am doing wrong and try to fix it, making the period of time between the setbacks grow greater each time.

A major contributor in what keeps me pushing forward is the fact that I know I can fully recover. Thousands have done it and have set examples for others in recovery. Jenni Schaefer, the author of “Life Without Ed” and “Goodbye Ed, Hello Me” who has fully recovered from a fight with Anorexia and Bulimia, was my first recovered role model that has and continues to help me overcome so many relapses through her writing and her music. Shannon Cutts who wrote “Beating Ana” and all of my friends at Mentor Connect, an online support group for recovered or recovering people with eating disorders, are also huge inspirations that are needed to get me through the day.

Through rough moments in recovery, I learn to take things one step at a time. Recovery can be very overwhelming with so much to work on, but the way I figure it is, I have a lot of progress to make, but then again, I have a lot of time to do it in.

I've also began to try to work on and accept imperfection with coloring books, coloring the pictures the “wrong” colors, coloring outside the lines and learning to deal with the awkward feeling of looking at the imperfection and knowing it’s okay. I have now learned to love my imperfect coloring pages.

I'm learning things about myself for a change. My favorite color is blue, and my favorite flowers are white daisies and sunflowers. I like taking pictures outside at the beautiful nature, loving and accepting it the way it was created.

Although through recovery there is a lot of pain and suffering, I know the outcome is far greater than I can imagine. At first I began recovery mostly for my friends and family, but as I grow healthier, I realize I am now recovering for myself. I refuse to be conquered by my anorexia, I refuse to give up, and I refuse to die without being able to say “I am recovered.”

Comments

[di d]

Thank you so much for posting this and so very well written!

[Janis]

Jennifer's story truly is beautifully written & inspirational to all of us as we move thru recovery. Thank you for your courage to share, Jennifer!

[BRIZORFC]

My beloved wife has been battling this illness now for many years.She's in the most exspesive Hospital in the country and over 100 miles away from us.I have been of work for a long time trying to help and support her.It is so so hard for her to beat this Evil Evil Illness,she wants too be normal again.Can someone tell me does something just click like a switch in the Brain that makes you win this battle.I can totally relate to this story and so can my wife,We need all the help we cam get too get throught this Dark horrible time.

[sammey]

I thank I might have this and I don't know what to do.. I don't want to ask for him.. I am scared I will be in trouble my mom.. You can email me at sammey96@yahoo.com no space or caps

[Vicky Garcia]

Jennifer, you are a beautiful soul. We are praying for you and your recovery. Thank you for breaking the silence. Stay strong in your recovery.

[Jennifer Garcia]

Thank you all for the wonderful compliments! :) I had a story and great editors that helped me get my point across.

BRIZORFC- for me, it was like a switch. but i think everybody is different. it was when i finally realized I couldn't live like that anymore, I was strong enough at that time to ask for help and took immediate action before i lost my courage.

Vicky- thanks mom, I love you :)

[Liz]

Thank you for sharing Jennifer. Tears were streaming down my face as I read your story. I share a very similar story. I too am in recovery from an eating disorder - I just hit my second anniversary of recovery...I still have a long way to go, but I feel myself getting stronger everyday. Because I too, decided that I couldn't live like that anymore. I was so far removed from the world, and I decided one night that I need to reach out to all those people who loved me and ask for help.

I have found that sharing my story and working to fund eating disorder research - being an advocate has helped my recovery. I feel less alone, that I am not the only one that struggles. My ten year struggle with an eating disorder has taught me that anyone who struggles on a daily basis with an eating disorder and those who decide to do the hardest thing anyone can do - recovery - are the STRONGEST and most POWERFUL people I know.

So, please continue to share your story - you are an inspiration to us all. I wish you all the best in your recovery. Live, laugh, love...

[Jennifer Garcia]

aawww thanks Liz! :) you are totally right about sharing my continuing story furthering me in my recovery, so true :)

Stay strong!

[Traci]

My daughter was diagnosed about 5 months ago. She is in out-patient treatment 1 time a week but doesn't give them anything. She won't talk or offer any of her thoughts. I'm not sure where to go with how her father and I should handle it. We love her so much and will continue to do whatever we have to do. She has always been such a beautiful and happy child, then things took a horrible turn. We realized she was skipping meals, saying she was full, angry outbursts, flat affect. She and her sister have always been very close but this has torn them apart. She is so mean to her sister and treats her so badly. My daughter Maya is only 12. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this would happen. In what seems like such a short time we have gone from happy and loving, outgoing and a chatterbox to an empty shell of a girl who doesn't want to talk or share with anyone of us. The doctors at childrens are so wonderful and yet I worry how long they will continue to be like that when she won't even talk to them. I just want to understand how she feels and try to come to an understanding from where she is. I want to be that mother that helps not hinders. Any thoughts are appreciated.
Traci