I am speaking in Las Vegas on Wednesday, June 3rd. I am so excited about this event, because the topic is: What Does Recovered Really Look Like? Since you guys posted such great comments on my last blog entry, I wanted to get your feedback regarding this topic as well.
Being recovered means something different to each of us. I used to think that I would be fully recovered when I reached a healthy weight and ate in a balanced way. I have since learned that, for me, "recovered" means much more than just that.
I am a healthy weight, and I eat in a balanced way today. But I can finally say I am recovered, because I have found joy and peace in my life as well. Before I reached this point of freedom, I experienced many versions of what I call "mediocre" recoveries. These "mediocre" recoveries were stepping stones (necessary pieces of the puzzle) for me to get completely better.
I am grateful to the people in my life who encouraged me to move past mediocre to "fully recovered." Please share your comments here about what recovered means to you. Also, share any versions of "mediocre" and what you did (or are doing) to move past them. Thanks so much!
For those of you who live in or near Las Vegas, please join me:
Center for Change Las Vegas Open House - Wednesday, June 3rd
6-7 pm: Meet and Greet
7-8 pm: Presentation: WHAT DOES RECOVERED REALLY LOOK LIKE?
Place: Center for Change Las Vegas
7455 W. Washington Ave., Ste 160
Las Vegas, NV 89128
702-252-8255
Open to professionals, family, and friends.
Shuttle service available for BFI Conference Attendees: Shuttles will leave Green Valley Ranch (Hotel Lobby Valet) at 5:15 PM to arrive at Center For Change at 6 pm. Return shuttle service will leave Center For Change at 8:15 PM, returning to Green Valley Ranch by 9 PM.
Food is part of it, and an important step, but ONLY a start- recovery isn't about what you eat or what you weigh, but how you think, how you view things, how you feel about yourself (both inside and out). For me, it has meant a huge shift- letting go of perfectionism, accepting myself (and my flaws), facing difficulties head-on without having to numb them out through my eating disorder. Being recovered, to me, means being able to stand up and say, "I'm here and I'm not scared anymore". So much of my eating disorder was tied into fear (of failure, of upsetting people, of responsibilities, life itself) and recovery has meant a lot of changes- the main one being that I don't judge myself anymore. I am who I am and am at peace with that. I don't look to other people for approval/acceptance and I don't base my self-worth on what they think/feel about me. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, in recovery or not, and it IS hard and it IS scary and things do still very much hurt at times- but that's life and I handle it as best as I can without running from it.
Posted by: ellie | May 31, 2009 at 12:38 PM
So can someone be in recovery and still be underweight? I'm trying to change my views on food and incorporate new foods, etc. But still not willing to let go of the weight thing. I am enjoying life and work and am happy. Is this recovery still?
Posted by: jd | May 31, 2009 at 12:59 PM
^ I think you can be IN recovery (ie, working on it), but I don't think a state of being "recovered" involves any desire to remain at an unhealthy weight. Just my opinion...
Posted by: ellie | May 31, 2009 at 01:22 PM
^ also want to say that everyone's definition of recovery is different but that if there are still distorted attitudes towards food/weight, it's likely a reflection about how you feel about yourself so progress still an ongoing process...but a completely do-able process (far from easy, but SO worth it)
Posted by: ellie | May 31, 2009 at 01:45 PM
I used to have a very skewed perception of what recovery was. How could I not?
I had a skewed perception of the eating disorder - something that had been a familiar crutch in my life for well over a decade, so being off on what recovery meant, well, that has been a very eye opening experience.
So,
What is recovery?
Recovery is about being flexibile. Recovery is about being honest, open minded, and willing.
Recovery is about being realistic.
It is about learning how to just be.
Be with thoughts
be with people
be a PART OF
instead of apart from.
Recovery is about not giving in
but knowing the difference
between taking a step back in order to breathe a little easier
and stepping back time and time again.
It's about feeling proud and empowered when you are right,
and
having humility and integrity when you're wrong.
It's about asking for help,
admitting and embracing the fact that there's always room to grow.
Recovery is a dance.
Sometimes it's beautiful and free flowing,
other times there's alot of toe stepping (even sometimes trampling).
But that is life itself,
and really not specific to recovery.
Recovery nor Life is Perfect.
Recovery is about having faith.
Putting confidence in something that is not tangible,
but putting confidence in it anyway because the alternative
holds no desire.
Recovery is about chance.
And about change.
It's about stepping out of the box
creating new and healthy boundaries, for that box - that if ever you need to retreat back in to the box, the boundaries are no longer constraining, they are safe.
And the box is breathable.
Recovery is about talking
and about knowing when not to talk,
moreso
knowing it's okay to let things go.
It's okay to just be.
I have realized that recovery is not innately knowing how to feel at peace with stressful situations.
Stress, Fear, Anxiety
are human emotions;
and as long as we are human
we will at one point or another come across those feelings.
There is no way to realistically expect otherwise.
But feelings can just be feelings.
We can accept feelings
we can feel them
and we can take a step back.
At the end of the day it's not about feeling good all of the time
it's about taking the ebb and flow of life in stride.
In recovery I have cried more then I ever did before.
I used to view crying as a sign of weakness, and embarassment.
Today, I embrace my tears. Sure I still have this cooky habbit of "forewarning" others when I'm going to cry, but I do not appologize for my tears. I do not cut them off. Why?
Because it's cleansing and it feels really good.
I have a voice today.
A voice that actually speaks from my voice box, from where voices are supposed to speak.
My voice is not demonstrated through my body.
Recovery is about looking in the mirror and seeing a person.
It's about seeing life behind your eyes, and walking away realizing that you do not tie your weight in with what you see in the mirror, or how you respond to what you see in the mirror.
Recovery isn't about always accepting every part of your body - that is not realistic either. If you poll one-hundred people without eating disorders (especially women) I bet you there would be very few people that could say they loved every aspect of their physical body. We live in a society of plastic surgery and hair dye. Of teeth whitening trays and tanning oils. It seems as though everyone is doing something to change the way they look, and everyone has a very valid and logical reason for it.
When is it that we stopped being beautiful
just as we are?
I think the most important part of recovery is realizing that while one can completely recover from an eating disorder
one cannot recover from life
Life will always hold some level of discomfort, there will always be "something", but it's amazing how much easier and brighter living life is, when there is actual living involved. Things just cease to be so damn complicated.
That doesn't mean that life is without complication, it just means that it's doable. It's not suffocating. There is always breathing room.
And, ofcourse, the obvious.. it feels good when food is just food.
A means for nourishment. It feels good to go to bed night after night as a person. It feels good to be able to sleep, because back in the day ED and my ever drowning self esteem would keep me up for way too long for way too many rediculous reasons.
And it's certainly a rest-easy notion to go to sleep without shame or guilt !! That, perhaps, is one of the nicest things of all .
Recovery is not easy, but it's worth it. Recovery may not always be beautiful, but it is a beautiful ride.
Posted by: Jessica | May 31, 2009 at 04:16 PM
This is a good question for today, because today sucks. Truly. But compared to how "sucks" used to be, today is fantastic. I have not purged in over a year, and that was a single event with more than 5 years behind it. I have not starved in, well, I think close to 10 years. Nice. In general, my relationship with food is pretty good, but lately...I've been disconnected, uncomfortable, a little bit isolated (because I'm isolating a little bit)... my own program of recovery has taken a backseat to work, school, a recent divorce.... And I've let it. I was taking a lot of steps forward. A lot. And now I'm taking steps back, but you know, I think this is still recovery. At least I get to be aware of what's going on before I slide all the way back down the hill. At least I know that I can take ownership. That I can do something. So today sucks. But today is pretty cool too, because today, I'm going to stop sliding.
So what's recovery? It's an all the time moving downriding escalator that I'm walking up. I don't have to walk up fast, but when I allow other things to distract me, and I stop walking, well...I start moving down again. Fortunately, I have the tools to catch myself before I hit the platform at the bottom. Ed is right there waiting to catch me when I trip.
cheers, Jenni!
Posted by: Tara Moorman | May 31, 2009 at 05:07 PM
I too used to think recovery was a lack of eating disorder behavior. I went ten years with no behavior, but I was not truly happy.
I also used to think it was finally feeling like I was good enough. But its so much more than that.
I am just me. I am not good enough, because I don't have to be good enough. I am Jen. I am beautiful. I am strong. I work hard. I play hard. I love people. I laugh easily. I like to smile. I get angry. I cry. I want to be loved. I like my clothes to match. I love my Heavenly Father. I hate church. I love music. I love my husband. I care deeply for people and notice things other people don't always see. I am late a lot. I love to be outside. I like to dance. I enjoy learning new things. I like fish tacos. I have a lot of questions. I hate secrets and I don't really like surprises. I love fireworks. I care deeply for my friends. I am passionate. I am rebellious. I want to be heard. I want to help other people. I am impatient.
I don't HAVE to be any of these things. If tomorrow, I change - I'm still Jen.
I wish I had words to describe what I am beginning to feel. Its not that Jen is good enough... its that it just doesn't matter whether Jen is good enough or not. Jen is Jen... and that is so much more than good enough!
I don't think I am recovered... I can just feel changes coming. I am in the process, and I feel grateful for every little bit of progress.
Posted by: Jen | May 31, 2009 at 07:51 PM
Asking myself what recovery looks like, I actually thought of what you said when I heard you speak at Hershey last fall. I remember you spoke about being recovered with a period after it, meaning you know you will never go back to the eating disorder. So I think that is my "ultimate recovery", when I will KNOW that whatever challenges come up in life, even graduation or the death of a loved one, or anything else, I will feel the emotions to the best of my ability and will not be afraid of relapsing. Right now I am at what I would consider a very good mediocre recovery, and I'm still pushing forward, but I am still afraid major life changes or scary emotions could overwhelm me and I might relapse again. But since I started working on recovery seven years ago, I have redefined recovery many times, from just gaining a minimum weight to a place now where I never imagined life could be this fulfilling. At this level of my recovery, I am getting working on being real with people I am close to, identifying and feeling my emotions, reaching out for support even before I desperately need it, learning to actually like my body's shape, having the same compassion for myself that I have for others, forgiving my mistakes, and learning to eat intuitively without a meal plan. I think the thing that is going to most help me move toward my ultimate recovery goal is learning to reach out to others and tell them how I am feeling, because as I gain (hard) experience with this when difficult things happen, I am seeing that I actually CAN get through without the eating disorder. Learning to actually like my body is pretty cool too because the bad body image is finally starting to fade after all these years!
Posted by: runforjoy | May 31, 2009 at 08:00 PM
This is going to sound clique. I used to think that I was totally "recovered" as my weight was normal and I was being "normal" eating wise. However, in looking back, I don't know that I was really recovered. I wasn't happy and I made excuses for why I wasn't happy or eating correctly (i.e., too tired, busy, stressed, class...). I wanted to believe that I was okay so that, perhaps, others would also think that I was okay.
Where I am now...I am in recovery. I do not think that this means being totally okay with by body and myself all the time. I think, for me, this means being aware of the negative thoughts and actions and acting positively to them. To me, recovery looks like a process...I do a lot of yoga, recovery reminds me of yoga :-) It is a journey of discovery, you many not always get it just right, but where you are at in that moment, is where you should be. Because, you will continue to grow and learn and just embrace yourself.
Being in recovery is knowing that being in recovery in a good thing and being recovered is even better. It is not something to be scared of, it is something to be ready for and excited for and knowing that you do have an amazing life ahead of you without all that is ED.
This is the big one...for me, being in recovery and thinking about the idea of really being recovered is admitting that I have had a problem and being okay with the idea that it might now always be a perfect journey, that there can be ups and downs but part of recovery is acknowledging those times and doing something about rather than being "oh woe is me."
To me...recovery looks like yoga class...poses might now always work just right, but when you get it, right, its amazing and you continue to learn and amaze yourself at what your body can do :-)
Posted by: sara | May 31, 2009 at 10:51 PM
ellie, thank you for replying to me. I have another question in relation to my last. Can one be 'recovered' if they have a healthy view on their weight, but it is still underweight even if eating well? The whole 'its not about food and weight' thing gets to me because all the professionals say you must be a healthy weight.. yet eating 3000 calories to get there isn't exactly normal. I don't mean for this to get so detailed. But maybe for some, recovered looks like out with friends, eating those treats they once didn't allow themselves, working, smiling, getting angry, crying, going for a run, not going for a run, and being whatever weight their body is and not trying to compensate (over or under calories) to try and manipulate that.
Posted by: jd | June 01, 2009 at 05:02 AM
Recovered is being truly at peace with myself. I love who I am and what I am. I am thankful for my past because it has made me the person I am today. Today, I am no longer Jenny the anorexic, I am no longer defined by my weight or shape.
Today I am Jenny. I own my own business, I have a boyfriend who loves me dearly, and I have a bright future...mostly importantly... A future without ED!
For those "in recovery" keep going, because being "recovered" is so worth it. Life is beautiful on the other side. The fight is worth it..
xxxx
Posted by: Jenny | June 01, 2009 at 06:13 AM
Perfection! That is what I strived to become for several years. Until I let go of that cloudy view, of what life and my body should be, I was not able to experience what it actually is. Often Brick walls have the tendency of forming in my life. It is about making the most of them and putting them to use. I like to think I repel off of them now and make them fun, and worth wild. Learn something each day, and enjoy my life. ED took everything in my life and made it miserable for so many years. Yeah, I have obsessions and distortions, but it what I make of them, I try not to give them the time of day.
dismissing-should a, would a and could a from my vocabulary, and replacing with I need or I will or I did that. seems simple but remains a task.
I put my life first, and my recovery is number 1.
Take Care,
Hil
Posted by: Hilary | June 01, 2009 at 07:53 AM
It's interesting to read all these comments because I'm at the point where I have assumed I will be/feel recovered once I can consistently think about and treat food in a "normal" way and once my weight has stabilized out to whatever it's going to stabilize out to be. Based off of everyone's comments, there's much more goodness to come beyond that.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 03, 2009 at 04:50 AM
I think for me, recovering means finding about myself, who I am, what I want from my life. Not what Ed wants, I am finding out so many things about myself. It's about self independence, being able to take care of myself, being able to have the strength to take care of myself. Becoming a better person, not worrying other people.
x
Hannah
Posted by: Hannah | June 04, 2009 at 03:33 AM
These comments are BEAUTIFUL! Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.
Posted by: Jenni Schaefer | June 08, 2009 at 11:06 AM
I have no idea; my therapist want's me to say what life without an eating disorder would look like. I just sit there and can't do it. She say's I'm over thinking it and just need to say something. But I just can't imagine it. Recovery for me is being able to answer that question. Of course pleasing everyone is one of my goals so I’m really tying to but I just can’t come up with anything. I hope to be able to one day.
Posted by: David | June 18, 2009 at 05:28 AM
recovery is being able to relax. no longer stressing over what we are and what we want to be. we are who we are and we come to love it. we understand we are not fake we don't have to pretend to be anyone to please everyone. we relax and enjoy all of lifes great blessings.
Posted by: Erin | July 12, 2009 at 10:14 AM