Do You Think I’m Fat?

How many times have you heard the question: “Do you think I’m fat?”

Maybe you said it. Or maybe it was your friend or a family member. If you are familiar with this question, I think you will relate to my article below.

Best,

Jenni

Do You Think I’m Fat?
Finding truth, finding myself
by Jenni Schaefer

Ed whispered in my ear when I was four-years-old the answer to my never-ending question, “Do you think I’m fat?”

“Yes,” he said, “You are fat. You are not good enough, and you never will be.”

Ed was in my life for over twenty years. People who have an eating disorder and those who know someone suffering with the insidious illness know exactly what I mean when I say “Ed.” They know that Ed is not my father, brother, or some friend. They know that Ed is my eating disorder. Ed’s name is actually an acronym for eating disorder. Those of us with eating disorders call our eating disorders “Ed” for many reasons. In the beginning, it is just easier to say “Ed” than “eating disorder,” “anorexia,” “bulimia,” or whatever our particular issue with food might be. For a long time, I was ashamed to say that I had an “eating disorder.” I could more easily say, for instance, “Ed won’t let me eat today,” or “Ed made me binge and purge.”

I remember when a neighbor who was not familiar with the term “Ed” overheard me talking with a couple of my friends in recovery. She had a confused look on her face and asked, “Why are you all dating this horrible creep named Ed? I would never date someone who told me that I was fat and wouldn’t let me eat.”

The fact is that my friends and I all were in an abusive relationship with Ed. An eating disorder actually develops into a very close relationship. It serves the role of a best friend, boyfriend, or even a husband. I can honestly say that I was married to my eating disorder. Ed was the love of my life --- what I lived for --- when ironically he was killing me.

Psychotherapist and author, Thom Rutledge, introduced me to the “Ed” concept. Treating my eating disorder as a relationship --- rather than an illness or condition --- made sense from the very beginning. In our first therapy session, he pulled up an empty chair and asked me to pretend like it was my eating disorder. He then asked me to have a conversation with this piece of furniture, which was now supposed to be my eating disorder, Ed. I wondered at this point who was in more need of therapy --- me or this so-called expert psychotherapist. I had already given Thom my money for the session, so I decided to give this chair exercise a try.

Ed said, “Jenni, you are never going to get rid of me. Why are you even here?”

He kept talking. I could not get a word in edge-wise.

“Jenni, you are not perfect yet. If you stay with me, we just might get you there. Just stick with me, and you will be special. Without me, you will just be normal or even worse.”

Thom eventually stepped in and encouraged me to talk back to my eating disorder.

I had no idea what to say, because I had never thought to talk back to my eating disorder before. Previously in my life, I had always listened to Ed and did exactly what he said. If Ed said binge, I binged. If Ed said don’t eat, I didn’t eat. When Ed talked, I listened. I obeyed. I definitely did not talk back.

But with Thom’s help, I finally said “Ed, I do not need you anymore. I will get rid of you.”

With those words, I felt a little separation from my eating disorder --- something I had never experienced before. I left Thom’s office with real hope that I could actually recover from my eating disorder. After lots of hard work and a willingness to do whatever it takes, I was finally able to separate from Ed and find Jenni again --- someone I had not known for a very long time.

I had many falls along recovery road. With the amazing support team around me of friends, family members, and eating disorder professionals, I kept moving. I picked myself off the ground each time I fell, and I never gave up. And I hit the floor many, many times. Finally, the “one step forward, two steps back” feeling faded, and I actually started making forward progress. But even then I slid back time and time again. With lots of patience and persistence, I finally made it to the other side. Today I can breathe, laugh, and enjoy life.

I don’t worry anymore about the question, “Do you think I’m fat?” I know the answer. I am more than a number on a scale. I am more than my body.

I am good enough just how I am.

I am me.

Jenni Schaefer is a singer/songwriter, speaker, and the author of Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too (McGraw-Hill). She is a consultant and spokesperson with Center for Change in Orem, Utah. For more information, visit www.jennischaefer.com or email jenni@jennischaefer.com.

Comments

[People With Eating Disorders]

interesting post thanks for the info