Part II: Recovered.

Hello everyone! I recently posted Leslie’s and Melanie’s beautiful visions of “Recovered.” Now I would like to share my vision with you. I hope you like the article below titled “What is Better?” Always remember that IT GETS BETTER!

Love ya,

Jenni

What is ‘Better’: Chocolate milk and more
by Jenni Schaefer

My motto these days seems to be, “It gets better.” Even though my struggle with food and weight actually got worse before it got better, it did get better. Recovery is very difficult and oftentimes excruciatingly painful, but it does get better. I am definitely starting to sound like a broken record about this point, and people are now beginning to ask me, “What is ‘better’?”      

Some of us in recovery from an eating disorder have been told that ‘better’ is the point where we will merely be able to manage the disease. In other words, we have been informed that we will never experience any real freedom from food and weight obsessions. We have been warned that while our eating disordered behaviors might not totally consume us in our normal day-to-day lives, the disease will frequently take over during stressful times. Ultimately, this form of ‘better’ does not really seem better at all. 

When I say that it gets better, I mean really better. I can honestly say that I experience true freedom from my eating disorder. To explain this feeling to the fullest, I need to introduce my eating disorder appropriately. His name is ‘Ed,’ which is an acronym for ‘eating disorder.’ I was taught by psychotherapist Thom Rutledge to treat my eating disorder as a relationship --- rather than an illness or a condition. Today Ed does not control my mind or my body like he did in the past. Years ago, if Ed said run, I ran. If Ed said eat, I ate. Whatever Ed said, I did.

My relationship with Ed is absolutely, in no uncertain terms, changed for the better. There is that word again. For most of my life, Ed was the decision maker. Today, Jenni makes the decisions. I decide when to eat and what to eat, what to say, what to do, and so on. All decisions are my responsibility. The other day I had the opportunity to eat in a school for the first time since I had actually been a student myself. It was great to walk through the noise-filled cafeteria and make food choices in the lunch line without Ed whispering in my ear. So when making my milk selection --- for the first time in all my years of schooling --- I was able to choose the little brown box labeled ‘chocolate’! I was so thrilled that I called a friend to let her know how wonderful it felt to have the freedom to choose.

After reading a brochure discussing normal-eating the other day, I can honestly say that I eat like a normal person. (I am not saying that I am normal, just that I eat normally!) Normal eating, among many other things, is about trusting your body, having flexibility at mealtimes, and choosing foods that you really like to eat. I am still very grateful today when I realize that I am just eating like a normal person, including drinking chocolate milk out of a box. Because I had such a complicated, love-hate relationship with food for so long, each and every bite I put into my mouth today is done with a sense of awareness and deep gratitude for where I have been and where I am now. Surprising to even myself, I actually have moments of thankfulness for imperfections with my body. Surprising to even myself, I actually have moments of thankfulness for imperfections with my body. (That is not a typo ---- I wrote that sentence a second time because it felt so good the first time.) As corny as it may sound, I have experienced so much gratitude that I have actually become grateful for my gratitude. Now that is better.

Better does not mean that Ed has been magically exorcised from my body. Like most women in America, I sometimes hear his voice creeping in to make wisecracks about my hips or thighs. The good news is that his remarks get further and further apart as time goes by. While it is possible that one day I will not hear him anymore, the even better news is that does not have to happen. Thom taught me that recovering from my eating disorder was not about getting rid of Ed but instead was about changing my relationship with him. My relationship with Ed is absolutely changed today. Agreeing with Ed is not an option. Obeying Ed is not an option. Negotiating with Ed is not an option even during very stressful times. More often than not, I have actually found that I do not even think about Ed during times of crisis. I am not managing my eating disorder. I am experiencing freedom. I am connected with my heart, following my passions, and living out my dreams. I feel, I smile, and I laugh.

Ed even provides some of the humor in my life today. His occasional comments can be quite funny. For instance, I laugh out loud these days when he sporadically tells me that I gained 20 pounds overnight, which is an absolutely unreasonable and irrational remark. Then I follow up these chuckles with an even louder,  “Shut up, Ed!” I am not sure what my upstairs neighbors think about this yelling. They have no idea that my shouts actually mean that I am better.   

So what is ‘better’? It is deep understanding. It is drastic change. It is deep appreciation.  And it is absolute freedom.

Comments

[Abbie]

Hi Jenni, I truly enjoy reading your blog, and I love to hear you say that it actually gets better!! I was hospitalized for an eating disorder this spring, and something I missed in treatment was the part where you hear recovered people share their experience, strength and hope.
I have read your book and it has helped me alot.

Thanks,
Abbie

[diana]

Jenni,
thank you thank you thank you. this was really inspiring to me. I've heard the definition of recovery be explained as "never quite free from Ed's comments, but they won't be as consuming" and I really think Ed used that to his advantage.

But I have been doing a lot of work in therapy and in recovery to get a perspective that one day my life really CAN be free from Ed. I believe that place exists and reading your post gave me extra inspiration and the reassurance and motivation to keep challenging myself in recovery. Because I believe freedom exists (I believe I am far away from it at this point.. but I also believe that I can get there as long as I don't give up hope)

so thank you for posting this. Hearing about actual freedom from an eating disorder and not just half-hearted freedom gives me a lot of hope.

[Jenni Schaefer [AUTHOR]]

Thanks for your comments! It always means a lot to me to hear from you guys.

And --- yes --- real freedom is possible for everyone!!!

Love ya,

Jenni

[V.L.]

Hi Jenni,
I really treasure reading about how real recovery is possible. But I do have a question. In your entry you stated you actually trust and love your body. Being an incest survivor and then later raped by a boyfriend and husband I am having a hard time trusting my body and connecting to my body, and allowing it to be womanly. I can not allow this body to have curves.... Is it possible to really accept and trust my body again?

Hi Jenni, your words are so helpful to so many our our patients. If you are ever in Long Beach, CA, please stop by and see us. The girls at Satori House our eating disorder extend care residnece are reading your book and would be thrilled to meet you in person. Take Care.
Rachel Levi, Clinical Director of Shoreline Center for Eating Disorder Recovery
www.shoreine-eatingdisorders.com

[Jenni Schaefer [AUTHOR]]

Thanks for your recent comments. Yes, it is possible to truly love your body. I really began to love my body when I began to appreciate the amazing things my body does for me --- instead of focusing on what it looks like. My body can breathe, climb mountains, and even bear children! Appreciation helped me a lot.

Regarding California, Rachel, I will actually be in San Diego on August 11th doing an alumni celebration that is open to all people in recovery. Please stay posted for more info and/or join my mailing list for details at www.lifewithouted.com.

Thanks so much for reading my book. I really appreciate your support!!!

Jenni

[rv]

Jenni,

Thanks so much for the work you put into this blog. As a survivor of incest, I appreciate the information about body image and acceptance you put "out there." I still struggle on a daily basis with food and body image. Thanks for all you do!
survivingincest.blogspot.com