Advice for Parents

Interview sound bites

2008-09-04T11:23:01-07:00

Please forgive the length of time between my recent posts. Never did I realize the amount of time and energy it takes to plan a major fund raiser! Hopefully, life will return to "normal" after September 13th!

In the last few weeks I've had the opportunity to be interviewed on numerous television and radio stations--for those of you in northern California I'll be on "View From the Bay" on Channel 7 at 3PM today--wish me luck! One show asked a number of important questions to which I'd like to share my answers with you:

Your 19-year-old daughter, Andrea, died 9 years ago after just one year of bulimic behaviors. This had to be a shock to you--what do you think caused her eating disorder?

There are numerous causes and although no one thing can be blamed, the biggest contributor for Andrea and for the majority of those who develop an eating disorder is dieting. Dieting and excessive exercise are not benign activities--they alter brain chemistry. Dr. Ovidio Bermudez, the Medical Director for Laurette, an eating disorder treatment center, calls dieting "the gateway drug" to an eating disorder--that's how dangerous dieting is.

If dieting is so bad for us, why is that not common knowledge?

The diet industry is currently estimated at a $50 billion dollar per year industry...it depends on and encourages self-blame when its products fail. When I began looking at the research done on dieting I found that many of the studies were paid for by the diet industry. Those few researchers, like Dr. Linda Bacon, a University of California at Davis researcher, who attempt to tell the truth about the consequences of dieting often have difficulty getting their research funded. Losing weight is BIG business. As dieting has increased over the past 50 years so have our waistlines...we are heavier now as a population than in the past. In a recent study on teens who were tracked during their high school years it was shown that those who dieted (and none of these were "overweight" at the time) were heavier at the end of high school than when they began. Dieting causes weight gain. That is not something the diet industry wants us to know.

To be continued ...

Blessings until next time,

Doris

Not cute enough

2008-08-18T22:12:09-07:00

I had a doctor’s appointment today—a routine check-up, nothing serious. At one point I shared with my physician our upcoming fund raiser and gave her a copy of our flier. As I’ve mentioned before, we’re hosting the northern California premiere of the award-winning documentary, “America the Beautiful: Is America Obsessed with Beauty.” My doctor read the movie’s title out loud and replied, “Well we know China is.” It took me a moment to figure out what she was referring to.

Ah…I remembered. The little girl with the amazing voice who sang in the Olympics’ opening ceremony could only be heard. A prettier youngster was chosen, merely for her looks, and lip-synced the words to the song sung by the little girl with the amazing voice, but, according to the Chinese powers that be, not such an amazing face.

To quote today’s Kansas City Star reporter, Aaron Barnhart’s article, “Olympics so far: Is it live or is it CGI ?"[Computer Generated Images: According to the London Telegraph, the opening fireworks were fake and took nearly a year to make in the lab]:

The Chinese cover-up deepened when the New York Times revealed Tuesday more fakery, this time involving Lin Miaoke, the 9-year-old girl seen in the ceremony gliding through the stadium suspended by a wire. She’s seen singing into a microphone. As it turns out, it wasn’t her singing. Officials decided that the original singer, 7-year-old Yang Peiyi, was not cute enough and replaced her with Miaoke, but dubbed in Peiyi’s voice.

Joe Bua, a blogger and reader of mine, summed up the resulting outrage of many viewers: “I knew the footprints thing was CGI, but the swap of the little girls is beyond the pale. Years from now, one girl has a video record of the event, the other has the memory of not being cute enough.

“Whoever decided that is evil.”

“…The other has a memory of not being cute enough.” That is a heart breaking thought…yet, how many of us have a memory of “not being cute enough?” Maybe America and China are both obsessed with beauty…most likely many cultures are and as the world becomes more westernized the definition of beauty becomes narrower and less attainable.

We counter this less than healthy approach by walking our talk. If Joe Bua really believes that “whoever decided that is evil” I hope he is looking at his own behaviors, words and thoughts to assure that he never excludes someone because of “not being cute enough.” I hope that none of us do.

Blessings until next time,

Doris

To read the entire article go to: http://www.kansascity.com/782/story/750177.html

"Clear, Undisturbed, Firm, and Funny" (C.U.F.F.)

2008-08-07T11:55:39-07:00

I’ve been going just a little crazy getting ready for our non-profit’s first major fund raising event on September 13th and find myself spending way too much time working way too many hours. I received a comment last week from a mother, Jill, to one of my blog entries and have not been able to stop thinking about it. I wanted to respond immediately but had deadlines that had to be made. The beauty is that I’ve had time to mull over my response. The words Jill wrote sounded like words I would have used while Andrea was still here. About the fact that her daughter is suffering with an eating disorder Jill wrote, in part:

I almost feel like she's selfish for wanting to be thin, when I see how it hurts so many in so many ways and all she seems to care about is being skinny and having little clothes. … I worry about our future. Her future. Will she be able to keep up with college. And our finances with these extra costs. How will she be if (and hopefully when) she does put some weight back on and will need to get rid of some of her little clothes? It's all so very painful and stressful. We are in the beginning stages of dealing with this…

Two years ago I attended the Academy of Eating Disorder's International conference in Barcelona. While there I attended a workshop that contained some of the most helpful parental guidance I’d seen to that point. Since then I’ve carried around a slip of paper with a note on it that reads, “Order Off the C.U.F.F.” Sadly, I could no longer recall why I’d written this note or even what Off the C.U.F.F was. It was during my friend, Gráinne Smith’s visit from Scotland that I remembered. Gráinne (author of numerous ED books mentioned in a previous blog) had purchased the manual and declared it one of the most helpful parent guides she’d seen. I ordered Off the C.U.F.F the next day.

Off the C.U.F.F. is “A Parent Skills Book for the Management of Disordered Eating” written by Nancy Zucker, Ph.D., at Duke University Medical Center. Dr. Zucker has taken her years of experience working with ED patients and compiled an incredibly useful and helpful guide for parents. How I wish this guide had been available when Andrea was here. It is precisely what I recommend Jill read.

Dr. Zucker admits that the “#1 problem I run into with parents is that they do not stop and learn.” This so resonates with me…often in parenting I wanted to fix things—make them better and if things didn’t get better then somehow I blamed myself for everything. Yet it seemed too overwhelming or exhausting to take the time to read something that might just help me see those situations in a different way. During her Foreward Dr. Zucker provides us with a “Pep Talk to Self:”

Ah yes, I am remembering now. I have actually been a pretty caring and thoughtful parent. This disorder has just thrown me off balance. And you know what? I am actually a pretty nice person. Stuff happens to everyone for a variety of reasons. If I had enough power to independently cause an eating disorder in my child, then I could cure it, right? I can only help him and guide his recovery. Therefore, I must not be the cause….

The Key Points in this book are paramount for us parents to understand:

1. Life is a process. Focus on learning from where you are rather than using so much energy worrying about where you have been and where you are going. It will help both you and your child to be more effective in the moment.

2. You can be most effective and helpful to your child if you role model healthy coping strategies and good self-parenting! [emphasis added]

3. Your child’s illness is a coping strategy, we need to teach your child better ways to cope. [It is not selfish acting out, a vie for attention, a need to be skinny or an over-riding need to be fashionable]

4. Be patient with yourself. We learn with each step [even the steps backward]

If we find ourselves being “thrown off balance” by our child’s eating disorder then Off the C.U.F.F. is a must-read!

Blessings until next time,

Doris

For an order form for Off the C.U.F.F. go to: http://eatingdisorders.mc.duke.edu/pdf/C.U.F.F.order_form.pdf

“Heal thyself first”

2008-07-25T09:32:03-07:00

Because we run a non-profit we are always in need of skilled volunteers to help our organization attain its goals. I often receive emails from those who are somewhere along the “healing continuum” who desperately want to give back to the world in a meaningful way. I applaud their courage.

The concern I have in these instances is the amount of time away from ED behaviors and disruptive thoughts. So often those who suffer with an eating disorder tend to put others before self. It can be difficult for them to comprehend that focusing on healing is not selfish nor does it lack great value.

The oft repeated airline attendant quote, “Be sure to put your mask on before helping others with theirs” has real merit in this situation. Too often those who have just recently reduced their ED behaviors or have been free of behaviors for just a few months want to jump into helping others without considering the deleterious effects this may have on their own healing process. Or, that jumping into helping others may provide a convenient place for them to hide from the real need to heal themselves.

Yes, it is important to give but a lesson that I continue to struggle with is that if I run my own energy reserves down then I have very little with which to give…which helps no one.

My recommendation: one full year of sustained wellness must be under one’s belt before volunteering to help others. There should be absolutely no more important task than attaining this level of wellness. My perspective is that this task IS a way of giving back to the world, thus it must be undertaken with the same drive and dedication that one would put toward helping others do the same.

An email I received a few weeks ago stated:

As I continue on with recovery, I have this strong and compelling feeling that there is something I am supposed to be doing, beyond just going to school.

I also believe that being a part of something important and feeling a sense a purpose is key in my recovery. It would keep me less isolated and more connected with the outside world as well.

This individual is still in recovery. What is not being recognized is that he IS doing “something important” and his “sense of purpose” needs to be focused on achieving at least one year of absence of behaviors and disruptive ED thoughts before “doing” anything else. I would even argue that going to school may be a distraction to healing and that being “connected with the outside world” can be achieved by reaching out for mentors who have successfully walked the healing path.

Our daughter, Andrea, volunteered on her college campus to help those who suffered with eating disorders. She took care of an elderly woman and counseled others in need. She did not focus on herself or her own healing. My response today is to insist that those who want to help with our efforts in her name not follow in her footsteps.

Blessings until next time,

Doris

What is it…??

2008-07-16T10:44:33-07:00

In a conversation with my husband the other night I asked him the names of his elementary school teachers and what he most remembered about them. He did far better than I, recalling all but his third grade teacher. When it was my turn I was struck not so much by my inability to name as many of my teacher’s as he but by the one memory that instantly popped into my head. My first grade teacher (whose name I DID recall) continually made derogatory comments about her body. Once she remarked to another staff member as she came out to collect us from the playground, “I’m as big as a barn!” Her comment puzzled me. My grandfather had run a dairy farm…I knew how large a barn was. This teacher was tall but she certainly did not come close to being the size of a barn.

Although by that point in my life I was a fine story teller, this teacher taught me by example the heights to which exaggeration could be taken. She was not a kind teacher. I never wanted to be like her, yet I found myself exaggerating my perception of my own body as well. If she thought she was huge then I needed to reevaluate my own size. This happened nearly 50 years ago and yet the memory is as vivid as yesterday.

Knowing what I know today I realize how lasting and sometimes damaging negative remarks about our own body or looks can be. At dinner with friends a few nights ago they shared with us the excitement and preparations around their daughter’s upcoming nuptials. The wife, a woman who has heard our presentations nearly a dozen times said, “I got my mother-of-the-bride dress yesterday…I’ve sworn off desserts until the wedding.”

My heart gets heavy with how difficult it is for us to change our thoughts and behaviors…even when we know (but obviously forget) their potential to do harm. What is it that prompts us to buy a dress that we must worry about fitting into on the day it’s to be worn? What is it that allows us to make derogatory comments about our bodies, especially in the presence of susceptible ears? What must we do to change these realities?

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Blessings until next time,

Doris

Ways to help our young children with body woes

2008-07-02T15:41:49-07:00

Last week I received the following comment on one of my blogs:

I am reading all of this in great fear. My beautiful 8 year old daughter is beginning to see herself as "fat", she only wants to sit and eat. I have not wanted to face the fact she may be started down the road of an eating disorder. But I think I may have to acknowledge this. Are there resources for a child this young? Thank you for having the courage to tell your story.

This question prompted me to do a bit of research on the web. I was reminded of a number of phenomenal resources for moms worried about how their very young daughters and sons feel about their bodies.

There is a wonderful book out there that helps us with this task, Full Mouse, Empty Mouse: A Tale of Food and Feelings by Dina Zeckhausen (available through Gurze at http://www.gurze.com/productdetails.cfm?PC=1535 –there is also a curriculum for teachers and parents of children in grades k-3 titled “Love Your Body Week” http://www.gurze.com/productdetails.cfm?PC=1260.

Full Mouse, Empty Mouse can open a valuable dialog with all children, especially in today’s thin-addicted culture. The final pages of the book contain a “Note to Parents” that provides excellent suggestions. Best thing, though, are the discussion questions that follow that can help guide us through our talk with our child.

In addition to writing this terrific resource, Dr. Dina Zeckhausen is the founder and executive director of The Eating Disorders Information Network (http://www.myedin.org/Home.html). This site provides a wealth of information for parents, especially for parents of young girls. I would check out their M.O.D. Squad (M.oms O.f D.aughters) pages, especially their seven principals.

Another wonderful resource for moms of young daughters is The Body Positive (http://www.thebodypositive.org/) ) lots of great information there.

Let us not forget fathers in this equation. Thankfully there is an organization devoted just to dads: Dads and Daughters created by Joe Kelly (http://www.dadsanddaughters.org/home/index.html) New Moon Magazine is another terrific resource (https://www.newmoon.org/specialoffer/?source=GOOGLE) and speaking of media, we must educate ourselves to the messages we and our children are bombarded with daily. A great place to begin that education is with Dr. Peter DeBenedittis’ article “Seven Progressive Steps to Protect Children from the Harmful Effects of Media” at http://medialiteracy.net/pdfs/7_Steps_Parenting_Around_Media.pdf

I could go on and on but this list of resources can help us get started on the path of helping our young children feel good about themselves. The first step though if we are ever concerned about specific behaviors in our children, especially unexplained weight gain or loss is to have them evaluated by a physician who is savvy in the arena of eating problems—not an easy thing to find but worth the search. Ill-placed comments from ill-informed doctors can trigger the path we are hoping to avoid.

Parenting is tough. Teaching ourselves how to do a “good enough” job at it takes time we may feel we just do not have. As a parent what I’ve found in the area of positive body image is if I don’t put the time in now to learn what I need to learn, I’ll be putting the time in later when my child may be in crisis and I am attempting to “catch up.” When it comes to positive self-esteem and learning how to focus on health not weight, it is never too early to start.

Blessings until next time,

Doris

Allowing others to “make” us feel responsible

2008-06-18T21:57:35-07:00

Not too long ago, in the psychological community, the first step in treating someone suffering with an eating disorder was to attempt to perform a “parentectomy.” It is now generally understood that when parents are educated to the ways in which they can help, they can be the most valuable first line of defense in their child’s healing process. The world of psychology has come a long way in seeing the value of parent involvement in the treatment of eating disorders.

A mother heard me speak at our local high school and, in a comment to my previous blog, shared that she left the talk feeling “…very responsible for my daughter’s illness and it really hurt!” I try to begin each of my presentations with the announcement that parents do not cause eating disorders—these are complex illnesses and a myriad of factors are involved in their development. I must have neglected to make this statement on this occasion.

I do know, however, that if we do not take the time to look inward and examine the ways that we have bought into our culture’s toxic messages about food, weight and looks that we may well be contributing to the continuation of the illness once it has developed.

A few days ago I was hiking with a woman, whom I’ll call Sue. I’ve gotten to know her only through occasional sharing of the same hillside. On this particular morning, I met her as she was descending the mountain and she elected to continue her hike by joining me on my assent. Within minutes she revealed that her motivation to continue to hike came from the fact that she’d gained two pounds and needed to work off the weight.

This is the same woman who has expressed concern for a young relative living with her who suffers with bulimia. It was apparent that Sue was completely unaware that her need to keep track of her own weight and then engage in some sort of compensatory behavior (two rigorous hikes, back-to-back) to work off any gained weight was different from her relative’s bulimic behaviors only by degrees and method of purging.

On the “For Parents” page of our web site, AndreasVoice.org, I state:

We may ask, “Then whose fault is [the illness], if not my child’s?” Assigning blame is so very seductive … it makes things somehow more tidy and manageable and far more comprehensible. It, again, wastes valuable time and energy. . . time and energy that should be focused on the healing of our children. As parents we all make mistakes but there are factors over which we have no control: the combination of genes our children inherit, their specific temperaments and how they interpret events around them, the messages they receive from peers and the culture at large, and so on and so on.

We may not cause our child's eating disorder, but we can be one of the contributing factors toward its development through our attitudes, lifestyle and inadvertent comments.

Without realizing it and with no malice intended, Sue may be supporting her relative’s bulimic behaviors.

In our book, Andrea’s Voice: Silenced by Bulimia, I talk about my journey through guilt. Initially, I felt completely responsible for our younger daughter Andrea’s illness—even though while she was still alive she assured me it was not my fault. At one point in the book I am once again decrying my poor parenting skills to our older daughter, Jocelyn. Her response was an eye-opener for me.

After commenting for the hundredth time about how I seemed capable of only remembering the bad things I did as a mother, Jocelyn switched gears. She reminded me, “You know how you’re always going on and on about the behaviors you modeled for Annie, Mom? How much they hurt her?”

“Yes.” Half a dozen examples skipped through my mind.

“Well, what are you modeling for me, right now?”

This question forced me to look at the purpose “guilt” was serving for me. This feeling allowed a convenient hiding place: I could avoid looking honestly at my actions by feeling guilty about their perceived affects. This became an ingenious way of avoiding the hard work of changing behaviors that inadvertently supported our culture’s drive for thinness by wasting time on lamenting.

Is the message I bring to parents difficult to hear? Yes. Is it radical given today’s standards and expectations around food, weight, and feelings of self? Yes. Does it need to be heard? I think yes but I have also learned that we cannot hear what we cannot hear.

I have come to realize that no one has the power to make me feel anything: happiness, anger, guilt, sadness. These all come from within me. My reactions are based on my life experiences—my biography. My job is to recognize the feelings and from whence they’ve come, allow myself to experience them fully and then let them go.

I have also come to know that the more intense my reaction, the more carefully I must look within to discover what is going on for me to cause such an intense response. My reaction has nothing to do with the other person—I am responsible for how I feel. I will not abdicate that responsibility. And with that, I send you…

Blessings until next time,

Doris

Musings triggered by mosquitoes

2008-06-08T15:32:47-07:00

When Guillain-Barré Syndrome hit our daughter Jocelyn last year we had to cancel our flight to Florida and our first-ever cruise. While going through paperwork a few weeks ago, I came across the cancelled flight information. The refund had to be used by June 4th or it would be lost. Thus we found ourselves in Raleigh, North Carolina last week for a quick get-away to an especially green and lush part of the country that we’d never before seen.

We began our second evening sitting outside on our B&B's expansive wrap-around veranda. Relaxing and reading was interrupted by the sudden appearance of a slew (a flock, a herd, a gaggle, a LOT) of mosquitoes. Settled back inside, we noticed a DVD player in our room. The innkeepers had a shelf with a small selection of films, some very old. There were only a few we hadn’t yet seen. We chose the one that looked the most innocuous and non-violent: The Bachelor.

Actor Chris O’Donnell, the protagonist, must marry before his 30th birthday—a few days away—in order to inherit millions of dollars from his patriarchal (read: controlling and selfish) dead grandfather. This was truly, at best, a C-grade movie and very sophomoric, yet one scenario stuck with me. Chris O’Donnell is standing in a church facing a congregation of brides (a flock, a herd, a gaggle, a LOT!) The sea of white is urging Chris to enumerate his criteria in order to weed out those who won’t even be considered. From the balcony a fat woman (and that is a word of description not of derision) shouts something to the effect, “We know you want someone skinny—give us a number…” She was asking for the weight over which candidates would not even be considered.

I was curious as to how the screen writers would have Chris respond, especially since he’d originally maintained that his decision would be more about personality than looks (a claim the balcony woman was probably tired of hearing). After hedging a bit he conceded, “I guess … 150…”

This movie was made in 1999. I wondered what the number given today would be…much less I’d imagine, a notion supported by Jean Kilbourne’s powerful video, Killing Us Softly 3. This documentary illustrates the abuse and manipulation of women’s self esteem by mass media. It was also produced in 1999. It is shocking to see how much thinner today’s models are when compared to just under a decade ago.

In the Spring 2008 Renfrew Connections publication, Adrienne Ressler, Renfrew’s National Training Director, writes about body image. She offers some suggestions on how we can “get on the road to being as good to [our]selves as [we] probably are to others in [our] lives.” For the “woman in the balcony” inside each of us I share a portion of Adrienne’s tip number six:

Keep yourself surrounded by people who love and appreciate who you are—not because you have met certain conditions to be worthy of their approval or love. At the same time, reduce your interactions with family members or acquaintances who are negative or critical of you. ...

Here’s to surrounding ourselves with people who love and appreciate who we are, unconditionally!

Blessings until next time,

Doris

Advice from a Scot

2008-05-31T11:20:28-07:00

Gráinne Smith, the author of Families, Carers & Professionals, Skills-based Learning for Caring for a Loved One with an ED and Anorexia & Bulimia in the Family: One Parent’s Practical Guide to Recovery, was visiting from Scotland this week. She had come to the States to attend the International Academy on Eating Disorders conference in Seattle. It was wonderful to have her here when a mother with whom I’ve been meeting arrived to return a book I’d loaned her. Her middle-school-aged daughter suffers with an eating disorder.

This mom sat in our family room wringing her hands with worry. “This has been the weekend from hell” she shared. Evidently, the tension around food and eating combined with the three-day holiday had frazzled everyone’s nerves and shouting matches had become the order of the day.

I loved listening to Gráinne’s lilting Scottish brogue as she gave the mom a few pointers. The thing she repeated again and again was the need to open nearly every conversation with a statement of love, “I love you. It is because I love you so much that I am concerned about you.” Gráinne advised that if the mom was met with an emotional outburst, she should state that, “Now is not a good time to talk about this…we'll talk later.” And then to be sure to come back to it later.

Gráinne also advised that the mom hold weekly family meetings in order to check in with each member to see how they’re being affected and what their changing needs may be for that week. This is an excellent suggestion, but I could tell that because of this mother’s intense worry, which has caused major sleep deprivation, it would be best if she could get a skilled professional to help run the first few sessions to model what an effective family meeting looks and sounds like. Even in the best frame of mind, it may be difficult for any family member to hold the space in a way that would not allow the gathering to degenerate into blaming and/or judging and shaming.

I will check in with this mom next week to see how Gráinne’s suggestions are working in her family. I share them with you in case they may be applicable to your family as well.

Blessings until next time,

Doris

“Either stop living or get fat”

2008-05-21T07:15:56-07:00

I finished reading Paulo Coelho’s, The Witch of Portobello last night. In an interview at the close of the book, Coelho explains that in this book he wanted to elaborate “On the feminine side of God.” I am drawn to Coelho’s books because he “writes to understand [him]self.” In reading his words, I often come to greater understandings about myself as well.

Towards the end of the book, Hagia Sofia, the protagonist’s “alter ego,” finishes a lecture to a gathering of spiritual-questing people while in a sort of trance (“alter ego”/”trance”: concepts in the book too involved to explain here). She spoke beautifully the message that has been the topic of many of my blog entries:

Today, before we close we’re going to talk about diet. Forget all about slimming regimes. We have survived for all these millennia because we have been able to eat. And now that seems to have become a curse. Why? What is it that makes us, at forty years old, want to have the same body we had when we were young? Is it possible to stop time? Of course not. And why should we be thin?

We don’t need to be thin. We buy books, we go to gyms, we expend a lot of brain power on trying to hold back time, when we should be celebrating the miracle of being here in this world. Instead of thinking about how to live better, we’re obsessed with weight.

Forget all about that. You can read all the books you want, do all the exercise you want, punish yourself as much as you want, but you will still have only two choices—either stop living or get fat.

In a recent talk at a mother/daughter health faire I told the audience, “[My body’s] size will continue to change as I grow older—that is just a simple fact of life that I refuse to expend my life energy in battle against.” Cohelo’s words provide a more succinct and far simpler version: “Either stop living or get fat.”

Hagia Sofia continued to explain:

Eat in moderation, but take pleasure in eating: it isn’t what enters a person’s mouth that’s evil, but what leaves it. Remember that for millennia we have struggled in order to keep from starving. Whose ideas was it that we had to be thin all our lives? I’ll tell you: the vampires of the soul, those who are so afraid of the future that they think it’s possible to stop the wheel of time. …Use the energy and effort you put into dieting to nourish yourself with spiritual bread. …Instead of artificially burning those calories, try to transform them into the energy required to fight for your dreams.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Blessings until next time,

Doris