After a one-year struggle with bulimia, Andrea Smeltzer died in her sleep at the age of 19, catapulting her mother, Doris, into a journey of self-discovery. By combining Andrea’s poetry and journal entries, mother and daughter tell the story together, capturing the bond that connected them... Read More
Our family's Thanksgiving celebration was small and sweet. Our daughter Jocelyn and son-in-law Tracy invited us to their home to spend time with them and our grandchildren. Tracy, an accomplished home chef, generously prepared the major traditionals (turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, et al) and we made the pies, devilled eggs and a couple small side dishes. Yes, it was quite a feast, but because I have spent the dozen years since Andrea's death re-learning how to eat mindfully, I was able to enjoy the variety of foods without overdoing as in my pre-intuitive eating years--something for which I am truly grateful.
Tom's beloved 90-year-old Aunt Gwen died last week. On Tuesday, he and I drove to southern California to join many others in the memorial celebration of her life. We were thrilled that we could clear our calendars to be able to witness the testaments to Gwen's well-lived journey. It was also sweet to reconnect with Smeltzer cousins, a number of whom we had not seen in decades.
In a talk I gave recently during family week at an eating disorder treatment center I shared some of the things I wish I'd known during Andrea's very brief illness. One of my points involved the desire to just get our family back to "normal." I explained how myopic this view was: the "old normal" had actually not been working for us for some time. I talked about how we needed instead to grieve the family of times past, and the past experience of, and relationship with, Andrea. How grieving would have allowed us to focus on the present as we examined how we, as a family, could work together to create more helpful, authentic ways of being in relationship with each other.
I received an email from a young woman, whom I'll call Alice, asking me about her mom's response to her recent re-lapse. Evidently Mom stopped calling and Alice wonders if this is a "normal" response for a parent (given the circumstances). She also wondered, "Is [the prospect of losing a child to an eating disorder] really that scary for a mom?" especially for one who admits to "getting" how serious EDs are. Alice wanted to know if she should attempt to "help" mom but also admits that a part of her feels she "shouldn't have to."
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