A few weeks ago I sat with a mom who was concerned about her 13-year-old daughter, "Amy." The behavioral descriptions the mom shared were classic eating disorder symptoms. Amy had started dieting to fit into a new end-of-the-school-year dress. She'd lost quite a bit of weight in two months. The mom was initially a little concerned about her daughter's calorie counting and exercise but knew that it would all be over once school ended. You guessed it: the dieting and exercise regimen did not end, it increased.
The mom wisely suspected something was amiss and so begged her daughter to consent to visiting a doctor prior to heading off to a week of summer camp in just a few days. Amy agreed only because she'd been frightened by the sudden increase in her dizzy spells. The mom promised that if the doctor said Amy was fine, she could still go to camp.
After the exam, the physician proclaimed that although Amy had lost weight her BMI was "still within the normal range." The doctor then asked where the camp was located. When told she replied, "This is good. If Amy passes out she's only 15 minutes away from our nearest medical facility." The earliest appointment Amy could get to see a therapist was 30 days out and a dietitian date would not be possible for two weeks.
This mom had contacted me not because she suspected Amy may have an eating disorder but because she was concerned about how to make sure she would eat while away at camp.
We talked for quite a while. I listened and recognized throughout many of my own prior-to-Andrea's-death parenting approaches. I remembered how I, too, would bend the rules a bit to avoid an angry outburst from Andrea. I marvel at how anger-avoidant (read: co-dependent :) I'd been as a parent...I'd do nearly anything to "keep the peace." I could not judge this mom for her blind spots...several of them had been my own. Even so, I kept asking her to consider keeping her child home from camp and instead to spend that week seeking immediate appointments with an eating disorder-skilled physician, therapist and dietitian. In her "But I promised Amy she could go!" lament I heard the unspoken fear of her daughter's anticipated wrath.
My concern that Amy's illness could progress unchecked for a full week was blinding me to the fact that what I was asking from this mom was monumental. In essence I was asking her to, overnight, become a firm, calm, non-judgmental parent who could set appropriate boundaries knowing that whatever reaction they may trigger, although most likely directed at her, were truly not about her.
Out loud I said, "I've just realized that I am asking you to change 13 years of parenting practices by tomorrow. That is not something I could do. How dare I ask that of you." I apologized and encouraged her to do only what felt right to her and what she felt she could handle. I gave her the contact information for other local resources so that she could get guidance, perspectives and ideas different from my own.
This mom called me a few days later. To my surprise she had kept Amy home. What had changed her mind? She confessed that throughout our time together the thoughts going through her mind had been, "That's not Amy." "Amy wouldn't do that." "Doris is overreacting--she doesn't know Amy." "Amy's not sick." In the two days since we'd chatted Amy had exhibited every behavior I had described to her. Maybe her daughter really did need help.
Although realized after Andrea's death, I now know that the journey toward "well" must be embarked upon by every member of the family. It is an opportunity to recognize needed interactions we've been avoiding and to get guidance on how to have them in a productive way. It is a time to work on integrating into our thoughts and behaviors newly learned ways of being in relationship that better support the healing process. It is difficult work for every one involved...but so very worthwhile!
Blessings until next time,
Doris
This is my first time coming on your blog. I just wanted to say thanks for publishing (and posting) your story. I'm 16 years old and have had bulimia since I was 10. Your's and Andrea's story has helped me fight toward recovery just that much harder. So thanks, from the absolute bottom of my heart, because you're making a huge difference.
Posted by: Anonymous | July 28, 2010 at 10:26 PM
I am so touched by your story, and how much you have done for other parents through your experiences and your loss. You are truly a blessing. I have a website, www.shareWIK.com, and would love to hear from you. ShareWIK (share What I Know) is a website devoted to bringing together women from all different situations and backgrounds (as well as a few men!) to talk about their experiences and learn from each other. We are taking about Eating Disorders this week on ShareWIK, and I would love your intake. Hope to hear from you!
- Diana Keough
P.S. And keep up the great work! You're doing amazing things in the lives of others!
Posted by: Diana Keough | July 21, 2010 at 10:18 AM