Last week we presented to over 250 professionals and students at a southern California college. At the end of our presentation individuals from each group approached us. One of the organizers of the event, Alice (not her real name) begged, “Please just give me the words to use with my daughter.”
Alice shared with us that throughout her life she’s struggled with weight and food. Her desire for "words" comes from watching her young daughter who is now experiencing this same struggle. Alice fears that she is responding in ways that, based on our talk, may be less than helpful.
During our presentation, we’d shown a brief video combined with a clip from a radio interview I conducted with Evelyn Tribole, RD. Evelyn is the author of numerous books as well as the co-author of the ground breaking book, Intuitive Eating. In the interview clip I asked Evelyn to describe the effect of rigid family rules on a child’s ability to self-regulate their own eating. Evelyn talked about how a well-meaning parent (and she repeated that phrase “a well-meaning parent”) “can implement well-meaning, rigid rules: It may be something like, ‘No desserts allowed in the house, no sugar, things like that.'” Evelyn then explained why this may not be a helpful approach:
There’s so much research that’s out there especially from Leann Birch’s work in Pennsylvania that [shows] that the more a parent interferes with the child’s eating, the more likely they’re going to have a problem with eating. The more likely they’re going to have a weight problem and the very foods that the parents are limiting are the very ones the kid starts to obsess about.
It was this quote and a number of stories Evelyn told that grabbed Alice’s attention (actually this segment surprised all the professionals in attendance). She desperately wanted me to tell her precisely what to say to her daughter about food and weight in ways that would be more helpful than hurtful.
I realized that I could suggest numerous sentences (i.e. "My body knows when it's hungry and when it's full...I listen to its wisdom," etc.) for her to dutifully memorize and regurgitate in her child's presence. I also knew the futility of this approach. Our children know when we’re not being genuine, when what we say is not truly what we believe. I had to tell Alice that what her daughter needed was a mother who was doing her own work around her relationship with food and her own body. I explained to Alice that as she came to truly embrace and practice eating intuitively along with respecting her body and walking the “Health At Every Size” philosophy her approach with her daughter would naturally change. However, she did not have to master this process prior to changing her ways with her daughter…they could embark together on this journey of discovering the joys of eating well and moving daily without worrying about weight…trusting that their bodies would eventually morph into their biologically determined sizes.
This was difficult for Alice to hear. Repeatedly she asked me for the recipe, the magic bullet that would put into balance her relationship with her daughter around food and weight. My mantra became, “We must do our own work.”
It is through the very difficult task of self-discovery and questioning the status quo that our perspectives change. Within a family “system” we are all affected by the actions and reactions of every member within the filial structure. There is no way a paradigm shift of this magnitude within me will not affect everyone else in my family, whether they join me on my path or not.
Blessings until next time,
Doris
Wow. That is really powerful. I met a nurse a few weeks ago at my doctor's office who described to me the beginnings of an eating disorder in her daughter. I could see that the mother's own attitudes towards weight were definitely affecting the daughter and contributing towards the disorder, but I couldn't think of what to say to her. It really broke my heart to hear her story. If I find myself in a similar situation in the future, I may try to gently encourage the mother to examine her own relationship with food and have a conversation with her daughter about what is helpful or hurtful. I may also point her towards this blog! Thanks
Posted by: runforjoy | May 24, 2010 at 07:49 PM