How to respond when ...

In the last few weeks my husband has pointed out to me a number of Carolyn Hax columns. In the Feb 22nd piece I so appreciated the clear understanding she had of the damage that can be done by "innocent" comments. A mother asked how she could best counter jokingly delivered "criticisms" to her one-year old daughter made by her mother-in-law. Evidently the Grandma, while patting her granddaughter's belly exclaims, "That's disgusting! Look at that round belly! How horrible!"

My heart breaks that some of us are so entrenched in and victimized by our culture's "thin" ideal that such comments seem acceptable...how mean! How rude! As stated in a number of previous blog postings, I am always impressed with Hax's insightful suggestions. The steps she outlines for this young mother to take are clear and precise. She begins with a statement of the dual tasks required of this mom, "Your job, as you know, is twofold: to protect your baby from the awful, ingrained and destructive, and to teach her eventually to protect herself from it."

I appreciate fully the second point made in the quote above: that we must "...teach [our children] eventually to protect [themselves] from it." We will not always be around when insensitive comments are made but each time our children witness us set firm respectful boundaries we are modeling precisely how they can one day protect themselves as well. 

The rest of Hax's answer outlines how to deal with this unenlightened (although I assume well-intentioned) Grandma:

While your daughter is still oblivious, set the boundary with Grandma, and reinforce it through smiling but unyielding repetition: "I think it's a beautiful belly," while taking your daughter out of Grandma's arms. That tells her (1) I won't embarrass you or overreact; but (2) I also won't let you say that to my kid.

If Grandma doesn't get the message as your daughter approaches a more comprehending age, then state your limits more clearly, again while removing your child from Grandma's arms or even from the room: "She's perfect the way she is. Besides, society is tough enough on us; we don't need harsh words from family." That tells your mother-in-law (1) I see you as a victim, too, of such cruelty; and (2) it stops here. And it says to your daughter: This is how to show loved ones they can't step on you. [emphasis added]

Hax goes on to explain how to deal with the situation if the comments become "unrelenting:"

...Invalidate your mother-in-law openly -- "Grandma has strange ideas" -- and tell her clearly, away from your daughter, "I would appreciate only positive words about her appearance." All visits at this point must also be tightly supervised.

And if Grandma attempts to disagree because she feels she's "telling her [granddaughter] what she needs to hear," or any other argument, Hax urges the mom to take "drastic action" because, "...Body hang-ups are easy to acquire, nearly impossible to shed, and the gateway to some serious health problems." Hax suggests delivering an ultimatum, coming preferably from Grandma's son," The negative body comments stop, or the visits do."

All of this may be old news to some of you but I was delighted to see the steps so clearly outlined. My knee-jerk retort tends to lean towards over reacting. It's good to have the words and actions that will allow me to respond more humanely. The task before me now is to remember this helpful guidance!

Blessings until next time,

Doris

Comments

[Dietcolagirl.blogspot.com]

I love this. Too often people keep their mouths shut or bite their tongues to be nice. I wish I stood up for myself more but it's never too late to start!