Last weekend was an emotional roller coaster for me. We were with my husband's family for the wedding of his father (my mother-in-law died two years ago). It was a very happy occasion and not the main reason for the feelings I experienced. There were two other events that contributed to my heart's up and down ride.
Because it is rare to have all the siblings and in-laws together at one time, we were told to take the opportunity to claim any of the items in my father-in-law's home that we might want as remembrances. He and his new wife will be moving into a third home not large enough to accommodate their combined belongings and will be donating whatever is not taken. Although I understood the reasoning and the need to accomplish this task as the moving day is drawing near, it felt so odd to be doing this right before a wedding...so often this difficult chore takes place after a funeral. I think we were all feeling a bit like vultures and it added tension within me, which made it difficult for me to deal with the second reason the weekend was tricky for me.
It has been a very long time since anyone has attempted to have a conversation with me around weight or calories, specifically the numbers related to them. The very few times an acquaintance or stranger has brought up these topics, in relation to themselves, me or another person I simply say, "Oh...I don't talk about weight or calories" and redirect the conversation into an area I think may be of interest to the other person.
On the final day of our time in southern California a relative, whom I love dearly, actually brought up the topic of calories during our final breakfast. I was a bit stunned and not thinking well (in addition to being emotionally drained, I was pretty sleep deprived too). I tried to redirect the conversation (I think...my memory is hazy) and when the conversation persisted I made a pretty inane statement, "We don't talk about calories in the eating disorder world." Well, anyone on a meal plan knows that is not true...the treatment team must look not only at the nutrients needed for a patient but the optimum number of calories as well. My relative felt insulted by my comment and I worked at climbing out of the small hole I'd dug...soon the topic changed and we finished breakfast.
Later that day, this same relative brought up weight. Dang...my shock prevented me from responding intelligently. I was amazed at how triggered I was by both of these conversations. My mind was hijacked and I was immediately taken back to hurtful times when family, both mine and Tom's, spent time commenting negatively about the weight of those around them...or couching their "negativity" in thinly veiled questions of concern for someone's health because they'd gained weight. So many thoughts and plausible responses ran through my mind yet none of them were actually spoken.
This made me realize that I must be ready with a statement. I suspect that the one I use with strangers would either feel insulting or be challenged by family members and I really do not want to get into an argument or conversation on the topic. I've decided that I will instead reveal what's going on for me. If my mind doesn't down shift into its brain stem it may sound something like, "I have to tell you, I feel pain when the topics of weight or calories are brought up...they trigger thoughts of Andrea's final days and of unpleasant past experiences and it hurts. This is mine...it is how I am affected and it is not your fault. It is what is real for me, though." If the person persists, I can gently excuse myself.
I share this experience with you so that you, too, can be ready with a response if the need should ever arise.
Blessings until next time,
Doris
Dearest Doris,
I have been in similar situations numerous times and have said probably wrong comments, due to the pain I have felt having had a child that continues to deal with an eating disorder. I find it very difficult to not respond when so many of my friends and some family frequently discuss peoples weight etc. Thank you for sharing your feelings.
Posted by: cathie Ovando | January 23, 2010 at 12:32 AM